Concerning marriage: What do u tink bout dis?

[Anonymous]

PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE

I have never met a person who didn't want to be loved. But I rarely meet a person who doesn’t fear marriage. Something about the end seems hopeless, not encouraging. Marriage appears easier to be understood for what it cuts out of our lives than what it makes possible within our lives.

When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends getting married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering days and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate. And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at each other’s habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much love each other less?

The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed.  It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the onset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages. Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colours the way you see yourselves together.  It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which the relationship eventually survives or fails. You need to find a way to see beyond the initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual altogether in an attempt to get to know each other, apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.

The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept up into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality. This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately you need to look beyond it for there are keys to companionability.

One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each other's company over long time. You will have a healthy relationship to the world if your laughter together is good and healthy; and not at the expense of others. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour over time. Sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together.  After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly captivating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages, the outside world becomes important again.  If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other.

There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not reveal; and private commitments to a vision of life we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those sacred parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives. From there it is only a small jump to the cataloguing of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates. So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your heart.

I pick "M" words carefully whenever I speak of miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child.  Only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and to be lived by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex. So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow. If you have sufficient faith, that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken, and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience. Then; you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of marriage will make it worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom.

[Dan-Sokoto]

I.Waziri, what you expressed is a real food for thought. But i was kind of wondering how those thoughts really fit into a situation where a man has or is contemplating marrying more than one wife? Lets say in a case where one has four wives as permitted by our great religion of islam.

Grateful

Dan-Sokoto

[Ihsan]

I. WAziri, do you write poems?  :-/

[Blaqueen]

Waziri... that was beautiful!!!!!!!!..... i only pray that people will realize such things...

DSoks... whut would be YOUR reason for gettin' a second wife??? juss wondering!!!


and waziri..madd props to ya'!!!!.... i love the write up! i pray more people have proper mutual relationships!

[Fulanizzle]

AYYYYYYYYYYYY  IBRAHEEEEEEEM, THAT WAS JUST TOO GOOD FOR WORDS TO BE UTTERED!!!

AMORA IHSAN, HE DOES WRITE POEMS, CHECK IT OUT IN THE POETRY SECTION....

SALAM

[Dan-Sokoto]

Fyne Queen? You asked for my reason or a reason for getting a second wife?

Well for that simple reason our religion allow us to have more than one wife which i am sure you know very well.

Dan-Sokoto

[Ihsan]

Assalaam Alaikum,

Ukhty Fulanicious, I thought as much...cause that was really good and meaningful as well  :D

[fatee]

Dan sokoto  ???,
that isn't a proper reason of marrying 2 ,3 or 4. islam allowed u to,amma with conditions , and u know "ana barin halal don kunya " :-/

[Dan-Sokoto]

Fatee da FD Queen!

Ni kam sai na yi su hudu complete domin in cika lada na. Kuma a cikin zuciya ta nayi alkawalin yin justice a soyayya da zan nuna masu individually and collectively.

Don allah ina neman addu'ar duk musulmi da kiran ubangiji ya taimake ni a guri na, na yin jutice a tsakanin mata na hudu idan na yi su insha allah.

Allah ya taimake mu baki daya, kuma mu masu son auren mata hudu ya taimake mu da rika su, ya bamu ladan auren da ke ciki. Idan lokacin na, na kara mata yayi, zan nemi taimakon abokai na na kanoonline domin introduction to very good bakanuwa.

Dan-Sokoto

[Anonymous]

Good Greetings,

I think it is better we believe the author of the above piece to remain anonymous. Infact that was why I left it unsigned by anybody.

Mallam Dan-Sokoto you are perfectly right, everything in the essay goes with a strong partiality towards monogamy and sincerely speaking I for long used to think that the ideal is monogamy; and wallahu a'lamu, but I believe that was why polygamy comes with qualifying conditions. My prayer is for us all to consider the conditions when getting the 2nd 3rd or 4th wife(s). One of it is financial muscle and the 2nd is I THINK HAD MALLAM SALISU (Bakano) has four wives he wouldn't have enough time to gather us here on the information super- highway, providing us with the glorious opportunity to interact to preserve our identity, culture and civilisation. Hidiman iyali and solving controversies at family level would have taken him away from us and what a tragedOUS experience it would have been for US.

IHSAN I do try my hands in poetry but my friends think it is poor-try.

My peace

Waziri

[Ihsan]

Waziri, what u wrote there is FAR AWAY from poor...it's excellent...I like it eventhough I'm no good when it comes to poem. ;D

[Blaqueen]

the write up is soooo tyght..... too bad men nowadays are..... :-X

[Fulanizzle]

SALAM

MASHA ALLAH IBRAHEEM, U WRITE SOOO WELL, SO DESCRIPTIVE AND SO TOUCHING.... MASHA ALLAH

U KNOW WHAT....DAN S, ITS NOT AS EASY AS U THINK HANDLING ALL FOUR WIVES..... ASK ANYONE U KNOW WITH FOUR WIVES...

[Anonymous]

Correction.
It constitutes desertion from Islam to say financial reasons alone determines whether or not you want to mary a second wife or get  Kids.
I know an ayah in suratul Isra'a ( forgive me for not quoting directly) that cautions or prohibits shying away from getting kids/slaying them due to the fear of poverty caused by such Kids.
The situations are analogous and I stand to be corrected if I have erred.
That all from me.

[Blaqueen]

who said anything about slaying kids and shying away?... ah! off topic!...  :-X

dsoks.... it does NOT force u to marry 4... and trust meeh....if its about LADA!... u berra maintain with one wife... cuz the more wives, more responsibilities, and more rigima that will take place.... u'll tara alhaqi...

so chika ladan ka with one....its not that hard... newayzz... ur juss saying it... u'll prolly end up with one wife...