Matsayin 'ya'ya a north

[Gimbiya]

I looked around to see if there's a way that I can come with this question. I know for a fact that most people have this question in mind, because I have too many people ask me about it. the question here is that "what are children position from a parents persfectinve in the north?" I was taking to someone and one thing that I was told was that most parents from the north find their children to be something like their properties, for example I will tell you what to do or what not to do because I'm your parent and you have no rights to question me. I think I have a point here, do you think parents should be controlling thier children even after theeir adolecence years. I mean should an adult child life be controlled by parents? if so why?

[arubuta]

This is called up bringing. they want their young ones to be respectful. about the "I'm your parent and you have no rights to question me" its not always happening all the time.

What i understand is children's position 4rm parents persrective in the north is like ....i dont want my child to be of bad habit,disrespectful, arrogant nd the like so i will teach my child all i can so that my child is the child is the type that can be commended.

When you say "controlled" i think it is not appropriate.
u should think of the parents. i want those kanoonliners who r parents to respond to this matter.

[Anonymous]

I saw a documentary called 'The Testesterone Boys' about some youthful under 20s bodybuilders sometime back. It seems that just before a contest or when they are ingesting all those steroids they undergo certain hormonal imbalances which makes them more aggressive, or it is just the pressure of wanting to be physically perfect. In anycase, the program followed each young man through several days of his domestic life leading up to a 'judgement day'. There was this 19 year old kid called Jason (who eventually won the contest) who was incredibly rude to his parents. He was so aggressive I am sure I was more embarrassed than his parents who had the humiliation of having the program aired not only in the US but elsewhere around the world. He kept shouting at his mother to 'LOOK JUST SHUT UP!' And there were the parents sitting round the dining table trying to eat and keep cool under their embarrassment and talking as calmly as possible to him while all he did was answer back in an insulting manner. And this was all shown on NATIONAL television!
I guess his behavior would be as a result of letting children from an early age express themselves emotionally without restraint in the best way they know how. Letting all that anger and frustration out without due consideration to the recipients of the charged emotions.
Well I'm sorry it wont work where I come from and that is Good Old Kano! Kids should respect their parents. There is no question of control about it.
More about this some other time Gimbiya!
 

[kilishi]

This is an important issue,but we know islamically children are suppose to be trained by theeir parents,and even in the society when ever a child does something wrong the blame usually went to the parents,and so parents has to do everything humanly possible to see that their children are of good behaviour, i will continue.

[Muhammad]

Salam
Ai matsayin yaya a north should same as matsayin yaya a addinince. Annabi yace parents are responsible for tarbiyantar da yaya yensu har sai su balaga, at which point they are more or less independent.
So, for as long as your parents provide food, clothing shelter and warmth to you, you are duty bound to respect all their wished except when that conflicts how you practise ypur religion.
That is not to say abuse does not occur. No, but parent also must know that there is a limit as to what they can expect from their pikin.
Gimbiya, banajin its possible akwai wanda ke considering yayan' sa  literally as properties or commodities. I mean people do not sell or mutilate their children and that is good.
I hope the abuse will also stop.
Bissalam

[Gimbiya]

it's good that we are getting somewhere but I think people don't get the question. I like what kilishi said

This is an important issue,but we know islamically children are suppose to be trained by theeir parents,and even in the society when ever a child does something wrong the blame usually went to the parents,and so parents has to do everything humanly possible to see that their children are of good behaviour, i will continue.

but my question is should parents continue own controlling children lives even after they are old enough to be on their own mentally, physically, emotionally and financially?


with everyone else I answered this same question I put here the same way you guys answered. I always said that it's part of life.

[kilishi]

my question is should parents continue own controlling children lives even after they are old enough to be on their own mentally, physically, emotionally and financially?


with everyone else I answered this same question I put here the same way you guys answered. I always said that it's part of life.
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Yes i think is an extension of the islaminc religion that stated that children should be obedient to their parents,no matter how old they are[that's the children] and you know hausa culture is almost interwoven with religion so i think parent took that as an excuse to dominate their children's life even if the children are well matured,and also b'cos sometimes a stiif competition existed btween parents and their children's wives,which sometimes made ythe child or man to abandon his parents also contributed in the way parents treated their children soi tha t ina any circumstances the children will not abandon them.and they will have a say in their affairs

[Anonymous]

[color=redit's good that we are getting somewhere but I think people don't get the question.
[/color]

Better ask sociologists and/ or psychologists. They will probably answer this question better than us laypeople.  8)
However my thoughts on the matter is that it is sometimes not control but  understanding and love between the child and the parent that makes the child no matter how old s/he is accede to his parents wishes. It is a love and respect for the parent on the part of the child that translates into not wanting to hurt or anger the parent. In an environment like that, there must have been the right ingredients used in the upbringing of the child.

[Tukurtukur]

I had seen where a son (man) revolted against his mother because of excessive control.  She saw nothing good in the daughter-in-law.  The man decided to ban the mother from coming to his house.  I think there should be a limit to which parents should control their children especially when they are adults.  We should work within the limits of responsibilities of parents to their children and vice-versa as enshrined in the Islamic tenets.  

[ummita]

[but my question is should parents continue own controlling children lives even after they are old enough to be on their own mentally, physically, emotionally and financially?
[[/color]

No they should not!!!!!!!! Parents should in no way control their children that is if they r matured enough 2 reason between right and wrong!

I dont see any point of parents controlling their own children in a way. The time that parents could possibly control their children is wen are toddlers or teenagers, but onces a person reaches a maturity stage say between the age of 19yrs or most prefarebly 21yrs, they dont need their parents sayings. However, I know there is this thing called Tarbiyya in Islam, which is part of parenting. At that stage in a child's life, of course the parents should be in control but onces d child passes  that stage group & b'cums an adult its left 4 that adult 2 b in control of himself.

Parents have done their part, they've already led 75% of their life and its time for their own children to lead their lifes without being controlled.

In d northern parts in Nigeria.....mostly within d hausa's though I will not say I know perfectly bout d hausas...but I have seen & heard it. How can an adult of 28yrs...have his mother choose him a wife...who he must marry whether theirs likes or dislikes!!!!!! How can a father enforce his daugther 2 choose d fields of medicine which is agaisnt her free will all she wanted 2 study was interior decoration. Sometimes parents just control d children & look 4 meaningless clues such as am training my children afta all its not 4 that keen interest but 4 their own self image (like this: How can my daugther study interior deco, wen my freinds daugther is a doctor) you see what I mean!!!

Parents should not enforce but allow their children to choose & make decsions in their life time. Controlling your own self is just like being independent & even part of Islamic tarbiyya: learning to teach your child to take up his own desions & b independant & not 2 rely on anybody is part of parentage.

Those that controll their own children, theres an ill effect, their children will end up relying on others always!

D way I sometimes see it is those controlling parents r suffering from insecurity in a sense that d sort of parentage they gave 2 their children right from when they were toddlers was not of a merritted standard & its 2 late 2 correct it because they r all grown up....d parents r in fear....so they will obviously try & enforce a way of discipline which will in a b controlling the childs life. There should b a time when a northern teenager (specifically) shud learn 2 live,lead, learn, control & b independent on his own. Its so amazin and funny when I met a person of 20yrs who could not go & make is own tituition fee payment but his mum has 2 do that!!!!!!!!!! ::)
I think most northern parents have to stop enforcin & being very controllin to their children 2 do things or decide on issues agaisnt their own free

4 xample I come from 2 different background. There was a time when my parents we in control, but there also came a time when they said to me, you are no longer a baby, it your time. Of course! I have a choice, I have a say & I was allowed 2 take up what so ever desicion I prefer. I was not being forced. I was not being controlled & my parents were not dominating. However I can say that they offered me guidance & advice......& that is what is needed 4 some adults. Even Islamically, in so many hadiths...its there......."dont control but guide & advice"
On d other hand, I have a freind, d final says...always comes from her parents...she had no say..even though her future ambition was 2 bcum barrister, she was denied off that, instead d parents married her off 2 a guy she doesnt even like. Very typical of northerners  ::)

Yeah in a way our parents can control....but theirs a certain limit & xtend 2 everything. We can control & bring up our children by d law of Islamic tarbiyya.....but not 2 control adults. Am a mother of 32 children I neva control d adults.(she laffs)

[Gimbiya]

I understand what you are trying to say ummita. it's just the way I said that if parents are comportable enough with the "tarbiyya" that they have given 'ya'yen su when they were young they shouldn't be worried that the child will turn out all wrong when they are adults. I have an american white friend, very nice girl she's totally different than normal kids in America but her behavior is phenomenum, fantastic great, sometimes she makes me thinnk that she's muslim; but the point here is that even her mother has to beg her to out and have some fun do something wild but the child always tell her mom that, she need to make that choice it's her choice to be reserve because of what she believes not because of anyone else influencing her.

... Another thing with our northern parent which I think ummita already say I think all the matsi that parents do to thier children is about image not about that's good for the child, it's all about how will the society look at me how will I make my family look like they are the best thing in town. it's new era now it doesn't work that way now children know how to make decision for themselves, so at certain point the kids decide to get out of that trap and the parents lose their kids over some pitty stuff. ... A girl friend of mine was raised in the US for about 25yrs, she hardly can relate to back home(nigeria) the only language that she speaks is English, at age 29 the parents want her to marry someone from northern nigeria, obviously that didn't work so what happen at the end she moved out of her parents house and cut them off completely just because they are trying to make decision about her future, sometimes things like this worry me.
--- I don't know but I guess one we'll realize that there's a limit to everything and we can not push our kids to that limit if so we will lose everything, ...dignity...respect... and the family that we've always wanted

[Hafsy_Lady]

You are absolutely right ummita!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The way some hausa parents lead their childrens life is sooooo annoying. Our religion teaches us to obey parents. Our cultures may vary but I know there are similarities. In my culture if we are not satisfied by a decision taken upon by our parents or elders we speak up. But what I noticed with some hausa people a child has no right to disagree once thye parents have made up their minds. Which is so annoying. Its not what the parents want, its what the child wants. To be being in control of your childs life is the most selfish things some parents do, because I believe in their own times or during their days (its up to them to make a decision).
And thoes parents that control their children, it has nothing to do with training rather they are just bullying an ADULT and making his/her life miserable. As an adult he/she does not need to be controlled but its left for them to make their own decision.

This topic sef.....dey reflect me to the history of one of my aunties she is soooooo controlling tha we call her (SHE IN COMMAND) Her words is her final say. We went for a vacation & she said is was up to her to choose what we will all wear for an occasion :o Ohhhhhhhhh naso my freind talk say I dey live yuwa auntie house today today!!!!(she knows herself ;D
;) )