Make Me Laugh!

[bakangizo]

Right. Shouldn't we liven the place a bit? A bit of humour now and then would be welcomed, so if you have a good joke, let's share in the laughter
Let's kick-off:

The Gender War

A teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la maison". "Pencil," however, is masculine: "le crayon".

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?". Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender, "la computer", because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine, "le computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

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[bakangizo]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

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[Anonymous]

Do Men Lose Memory Fast:?

As Mr. Etim was browsing through an old newspaper, he read aloud to his wife a news item about men losing their memory faster than women do. "It must be true", she said. "That's the second time time you are reading that article to me".


Seeing things:

A woman walks into a medical store to return a pair of glasses she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, Madam", asked the attendant. "I'am returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way".

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[bakangizo]

Oops! Posted the above without logging on.

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[gogannaka]

LOL......nice one's bakan gizo.

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[gogannaka]

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!'"

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[Anonymous]

After dying in
...The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!'"

Well, can't blame the guy. :lol:  Here's another one:

Make the monkey laugh.

During a monkey circus show, the show presenter challenged the audience that there's a price for whoever make the monkey laugh and cry. There's an even bigger price if you can make the monkey run and enter its cage. No one took up the challenge. Then after a few minutes, a haggard, scraggy looking gentleman raised up his hand and climbed up the stage. He went up to the monkey and whisphered something in its ears. The monkey laughed. He said something again and everyone was suprised to see the monkey crying.

The man finally leaned closer to the monkey, whispered some few more words and, to the shock of the show presenter, the monkey screeched, bursted out and into its cage looking scared. The presenter went up to the man asked, "Bros, wetin you tell am wey im laugh?".
The man said, "well, I just tell am say I dey work for Nigeria Railway Corporation".
Presenter: "I see. Now wetin you tell am wey dey make am cry?"
The man: "No. Me I only tell am the salary wey dem de pay me".
Presenter: "No wonder! Now, Bros can you tell us wetin you tell the monkey wey make am run?"
The man:" I no tell am anything oo!"
Presenter: "C'mon Bros tell me now!"
Man:"Anyway, I just tell say vacancy dey, make im apply".

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[bakangizo]

Posted without logging on again. :?

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[gogannaka]

Hope u dont 4get you password someday.

These are some Real 9-1-1 Calls, Believe It or Not

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

--

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.

--

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one

Caller: Hi, is this the police?

Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?

Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

--

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency?

Called: Fire, I guess.

Dispatcher: How can I help you, sir?

Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?

Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?

Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and....well.... do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?

Dispatcher: Help you what?

Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

--

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

--

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband.

--

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one.

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No.

Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the police

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[bakangizo]

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband.

That was good :lol:

GSM
When the “Power State” got connected on the GSM network, It was more than obsession especially for the Nupe man and somehow, they did pay for it. One day a Nupe man came into work with both of his ears bandaged. His boss asked him what happened to his ears. "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when my GSM phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the cellphone!" "Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?" "They called back!"

Rent
A big,burly man from the western part of Nigeria visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam", he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this area. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to N14,000.00. "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the Lanlord", he sobbed.

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[gogannaka]

We dey too!

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000
years ago.
So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists
dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists
have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that
their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000
years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After
digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found
absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their
ancestors were already using wireless!!

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[neozizo]

Teacher: You Boy, spell plantain Boy: Whish one? The ripe one or the unripe one? Teacher: What difference does it make? Just spell plantain! Boy: Teasha, If you fry the ripe one na 'DODO', if you fry the unripe one na 'SHIPS' if you roast am, na 'BOLE' All of them na plantain, so whish one you wan make I spell?

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[bakangizo]

It Pays to be a Nigerian!

A man dies and was sent to hell. On arrival at the gate of hell, he went straight to the American Hell asked how it is and was told, "they put you on an electric chair, feed you boiling sewage and the American Devil comes in and whip you 12 hours a day". The man decides he does not like that and checked out the Russian, German and Japanese Hells and found out that they were all like the American Hell.

Curiously, he noticed a long line of people waiting and struggling to enter Nigerian Hell. Suprised, the man asked what goes on in there and was told, "they first put you on an electric chair, feed you boiling sewage and the Nigerian Devil comes in and whip you 12 hour a day".  "But that's just like the other hells", said the man. Came the reply, "well, there's never electricity so the chair does not work. The contractor failed to supply the sewage while the Nigerian Devil is a former civil servant; he comes in in the morning, signs the attendance register and off he goes for his personal business".

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[neozizo]

An American man and a Nigerian
>
>
>A Nigerian and an American man are sitting next to
each other on a
>long flight from London to New York.
>
>The American man leans over to the Nigerian and asks
if he would
>like to play a fun game.
>
>The Nigerian just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and
>rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
>
>The American man persists and explains that the game
is real easy
>and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a
question, and if you
>don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me
a question,
>and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
>
>Again, the Nigerian politely declines and tries to
get to sleep.
>
>The American man , now somewhat agitated, says, "OK,
if you don't
>know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know
the answer, I'll
>pay you $100!"
>
>This catches the Nigerian's attention, and he sees no
end to this
>torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
>
>The American asks the first question. "What's the
distance from the
>earth to the moon?" The Nigerian doesn't say a word,
but reaches
>into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and
hands it to the
>American.
>
>Now, it's the Nigerian's turn. He asks the American
"What goes up a
>hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
>
>The American looks up at him with a puzzled look. He
takes out his
>laptop computer and searches all of his references.
He taps into the
>Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the
Library of
>Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his
co-workers-all to no
>avail.
>
>After about an hour, he wakes the Nigerian and hands
him $100. The
>Nigerian politely takes the $100 and turns away to
try to get back
>to sleep. The American, more than a little miffed,
shakes the
>Nigerian and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the
>Nigerian reaches into his wallet, hands the American
$5, and turns
>away to get back to sleep.


So how do U assess the Nigerian?.............

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[mlbash]

PILOTS PROBLEM


An aero plane is flying over the United States at night.

The pilot says "Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude

and all the baggage must be thrown out."

A little later, the pilot says "We're still losing altitude,

we must throw anything out that is in the cabin". Despite more

things being thrown out the plane continues its descent.

(Pilot) "Still going down - we must throw out some people".

There's a big gasp from the passengers!

(Pilot)"But to make this fair passengers will be thrown out in

alphabetical order... so

(Pilot) "A.... any Africans on board?" No one moves

(Pilot) "B...any Blacks on board?" No one moves.

(Pilot) "C....any Caribbean's on board?" Still no one moves.

(Little black boy - asking his dad) "Dad,...what are we?

(Dad) "Tonight son, we're Zulus

__________________________________________________

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