high rate of divorce in the north

[dan mama]

its very very disheartening the way marraiges are been conducted and ended in the northern parts of nigeria. an average hausa woman marries 2 to 3 times in her life time.while an averge hausa man keeps bringing in and sending them out as if its some kind of competetion. why is this so? is  marriage not suppose to last for a life time? why the break ups and divorces every where u go to? this goes to show that we are just getting married for the very wrong reasons. Most of us think marriage is all about sex which is never the case,its more about love , tolerance and patience. we should follow the footsteps of the prohept(P.B.U.H) who married and kept nine wives without divorcing any and and he lived happily with them. any where u go all u see is divorce and bazauria ko ta ina ka je. i dont want to throw blame or accusing finger at any of the sexes involved in this problem but all i will like to say is that our men should learn to be more loving, more respectful more caring and more tolerating to our women, while our women on the other hand too should do the same to the men. i have been round this country and the divorce rate in the northern parts is very alarming. they in the other parts too engage in divorce but its nothing compared to ours in the north. so it time we sit back think of marriage as a union between a man and a woman for the betterment of the family and the society as a whole not just as an association between a man and a woman for sex and bearing of children cos thats the way most of us look at it. which is very very wrong.

[Yarkwye ce]

I think the problem is that people don't investigate who their child is going to marry. back in the days when a girl or boy is going to marry, both parents investigate on who their child is going to marry. is he/she the right person to give your child to? does he drink, does he abuse his wife or girlfriend...u know what am sayin..but now adays people don't do that anymore. only few. everyone is just happy their child is getting marriage. and if the guy is rich (sweet!!) and when the guy starts abusing the wife, then it will be a shame on them when she comes back home with bruises on her face...wani lokacin ma da goyo..
what even annoys me the most is that a guy will meet a girl for only one month before u know it they are getting married. am like u don't  even know wani irin hali wanna mutum ke da ba, and all of a sudden u are sharing the same bed. (Allah dai zaba wa ko wani Muslim abin da ya fi alheri)

[dee]

Interesting I didn't know it's that bad. Didn't even know most families support divorce. I think the fact that a lot of families still believe in dashing their daughters out without considering how she feels about the man might be part of the problem.

[dan mama]

I will like to add here that we should try to have a relatively long period of courtship b4 we engage in marriage else  this problem wil still continue and i still maintain that we should learn to respect our spouses more and  should always remember that patience is the key to any sucsessfull marriage.

[dan mama]

Hussna i still await ur response on this issue if there is any body i respect his/ her views and opinion in this forum is you .so i still await your contributions :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

[HUSNAA]

Wai wai wai!! :oops:
Kaina zai fashe!! I can hardly make it out of the door!!  :oops:
That was a VERY FLATTERING COMMENT!! Thank you indeed.  :D
Another time, I am too tired to think at the moment!!  :D

[Nuruddeen]

I will like to add here that we should try to have a relatively long period of courtship b4 we engage in marriage else  this problem wil still continue and i still maintain that we should learn to respect our spouses more and  should always remember that patience is the key to any sucsessfull marriage.

I am with you my dear.

[_Waziri_]

Haba Nuruddeen, harda kai ma? Atleast the experiences of many among friends and relatives shud have pointed at the reality that courtSHIP, courtPLANE or even courtBUS is always a ride into pretense and makefeeling! You cannot know your suppossed partner enough when you are all in tune with the essense of your relation. You don't do things like farting, you manage running nose effectively and efficiently and atleast to the Muslims, they don't see each other in those inconvinient moments as when woken up from sleep. I am wondering, but really, I don't think long courtship could solve this problem. Afterall my portuguese friend told me just yesterday how out of every three marriages, two crash in portugal. That is to say in a place where courtship is a boat that must boarded by couples for relatively long time, before the tie be tied.

[_Waziri_]

Just plicked out one of my oldest posts at k-online. You know the issue of marriage can be said to be the most discussed issue @ k-online. I made the post on the 18th of October, 2002, that is barely, some four solid years back. Needless to say that my opinions may have gone thru' serious reformations since then, here is what I write, and the link to the thread in which many others gave their considered opinions:

PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE

http://www.hausafulani.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=108

I have never met a person who didn't want to be loved. But I rarely meet a person who doesn't fear marriage. Something about the end seems hopeless, not encouraging. Marriage appears easier to be understood for what it cuts out of our lives than what it makes possible within our lives.

When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends getting married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering days and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate. And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at each other's habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much love each other less?

The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the onset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages. Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colours the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which the relationship eventually survives or fails. You need to find a way to see beyond the initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual altogether in an attempt to get to know each other, apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.

The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept up into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality. This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately you need to look beyond it for there are keys to companionability.

One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each other's company over long time. You will have a healthy relationship to the world if your laughter together is good and healthy; and not at the expense of others. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour over time. Sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together.  After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly captivating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages, the outside world becomes important again.  If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other.

There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not reveal; and private commitments to a vision of life we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those sacred parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives. From there it is only a small jump to the cataloguing of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates. So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your heart.

I pick "M" words carefully whenever I speak of miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child.  Only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and to be lived by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex. So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow. If you have sufficient faith, that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken, and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience. Then; you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of marriage will make it worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom.

http://www.hausafulani.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=108

[Fulani Poet]

I have to agree with Waziri, the length of courtship is MOSTLY irrelevant. There is no way that your knowledge of someone at courtship could be a fool-proof guide. When the marriage is contracted, there will certainly be a few surprises waiting for you about your spouse! What is important is the decision to commit to somebody and the determination to stick to that person/decision. A courtship of one day or a thousand years will not be helpful unless there is that decision.

My friend says that marriage is more about decisions than love! I tend to agree with him. He says that usually when you hear a man says 'I love you' to a girl, he means, 'I like your nose or your voice or your figure or your smile or your teeth... etc.' Now, what happens if the nose is squashed by some incidence or accident? What happens if she loses her teeth or her voice? It is better to say 'I want to marry because I believe I love you but I decide right now that if you should change or your figure should change, I will stick to my decision and stay with you!'