The etiquettes of the wedding night
The Author's Introduction by sheikh al-albannie {may Allah's blessings be on
him}
All praise is due to Allah, the One who said in the clear verses of His
Book:
"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among
yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love
and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are Signs for those who
reflect".[al- Room 30:21]
May the prayers and peace of Allah be upon His Prophet Muhammad, the one who
said in an authenticated hadith : "Marry the loving and fertile, for I will
compete with the other Prophets with the number of my followers on the Day
of Qiyama". [Ahmad and at-Tabaarani with hasan isnaad. And declared saheeh
from Anas by Ibn Hibbaan. And it has witnesses which will be mentioned in
Question 19]
After this opening: There are in Islam, certain etiquettes upon anyone who
marries and wishes to consummate his marriage with his wife. Most Muslims
today, even those who exert themselves in Islamic worship, have either
neglected or become totally ignorant of these Islamic etiquettes. Therefore,
I decided to write this beneficial treatise clearly explaining these issues
on the occasion of marriage of someone dear to me. I hope that it will be an
aid to him and to other believing brothers in carrying out what the Chief of
the Messengers has ordained on the authority of the Lord of the Worlds. I
have followed that by pointing out certain issues important to every one who
marries, and with which many wives in particular have been tested.
I ask Allah Most High to bring about some benefit from this treatise, and to
accept this work solely for His glorious countenance. Surely, He is the
Righteous, the Merciful.
It should be known that there are many etiquettes in the area of marriage.
All that I am concerned with here in this quickly compiled work is that
which is authenticated of the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad, that which is
irreproachable from the standpoint of its chain of narration and upon which
no doubt can be cast in terms of its constructions and meanings. In this
way, whoever reads and follows this information will be on a clearly
established basis in religion, and will have full confidence in the source
and validity of his actions. I hope for him that Allaah will put the final
seal of felicity on his life, in reward for beginning his married life with
the following of the Sunnah, and to make for him among His slaves whose
statement He has described in the Qur'an saying:
And those who pray, "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be
the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous."
[al-Furqaan 25:74]
The final disposition of things is for those of pious practice, as the Lord
of the Worlds said:
As to the Righteous, they shall be amidst (cool) shades and springs (of
water). And (they shall have) fruits, - all they desire. "Eat ye and drink
ye to your heart's content: for that ye worked (righteousness) ." Thus do We
certainly reward the Doers of Good. [al-Mursalaat 77:41-44]
The following then, are those etiquettes:
1. Kindness toward your wife when you wish to enter into her
It is desirable, when one goes into his wife on his wedding night, to show
her kindness, such as presenting her with something to drink, etc. This is
found in the hadith narrated by Asmaa' bint Yazid ibn As-Sakan who said: "I
beautified 'As'ishah for Allaah's Messenger, then called him to come to see
her unveiled. He came, sat next to her, and brought a large cup of milk from
which he drank. Then, he offered it to 'Aa'ishah, but she lowered her head
and felt shy. I scolded her and said to her: "Take from the hand of the
Prophet." She then took it and drank some. Then, the Prophet said to her,
"Give some to your companion." At that point, I said: "O Messenger of
Allaah, rather take it yourself and drink, and then give it to me from your
hand." He took it, drank some, and then offered it to me. I sat down and put
it on my knees'. Then, I began rotating it and following it with my lips in
order that I might hit the spot from which the Prophet had drunk. Then, the
Prophet said about some women who were there with me: "Give them some." But,
they said: "We don't want it." (i.e. we are not hungry). The Prophet said:
"Do not combine hunger and fibbing!" [Ahmad and al-Humaidi. Ahmad reports it
with 2 isnaads - one of which supports the other, and it is supported... ]"
2. Placing your hands on your wife's head and praying for her
The husband should, at the time of consummating the marriage with his wife
or before that, place his hand on the front part of her head, mention the
name of Allah Most High, and pray for Allah's blessings. As in the statement
of the Prophet: "When any of you marries a woman ... he should hold her
forelock, mention Allah Most High, and pray for His blessings saying: "O
Allaah, I ask You for the good in her and the good with which You have
created her, and I seek refuge in You from the evil in her and the evil with
which You have created her." {Allaahumma innee as'aluka min khairiha wa
khairi maa jabaltaha 'alaihi wa a'oodhubika min sharriha wa sharri maa
jabaltaha 'alaihi} [Aboo Dawood and others. Al-Bukhari in "Af'aalul-'Ibaad" ,
Aboo Dawood, Ibn Majah, al-Haakim, al-Baihaqee and Aboo Ya'laa with hasan
isnaad ...]
3. The praying of husband and wife together
It is desirable for the husband and wife to pray 2 rakaat together on their
wedding night. This has been narrated from the earliest generation of
Muslims, as in the following 2 narrations:
First: On the authority of Abu Sa'eed Mawla Abu Asyad who said: "I got
married while I was a slave. I invited a number of the companions of the
Prophet; among them were Ibn Mas'ood, Abu Dharr and Hudhaifa. When the
prayer was called, Abu Dharr began to step forward when the others said to
him: 'No!' He said: 'Is it so?' And they said: 'Yes.' Then, I stepped
forward and led the prayer though I was a slave possessed. They taught me,
saying: 'When your wife comes to you, pray 2 rakaat. Then, ask Allaah for
the good of that which has come to you, and seek refuge in Him from its
evil. Then it is up to you and it is up to your wife.'" [Ibn Abi Shaibah and
'Abdur-Razzaaq]
Second: On the authority of Shaqeeq who said: "A man named Abu Hareez came
and said: 'I have married a young girl, and I am afraid that she will
despise me.' 'Abdullah ibn Mas'ood said to him: "Verily, closeness is from
Allaah, and hatred is from Shaitaan, who wishes to make despicable that
which Allaah has allowed. So, when your wife comes to you, tell her to pray
behind you 2 rakaat.'" In another version of the same story, "'Abdullah went
on to say: 'And say: 'O Allah give Your blessings on me in my wife, and to
her in me. O Allaah join us together as long as You join us in good, and
split us apart if You send to us that which is better.'" [Ibn Abi Shaibah
and at-Tabaraani and 'Abdur-Razzaaq: Saheeh].
4. What to say at the time of making Love
When a Muslim man is about to enter his wife, he should always say first:
Bismillahi, Allahumma jannibnaa ash-shaitaan, wa jannib ash-shaitaan maa
razaqtanna [In the name of Allah, O Allah, keep us away from the devil, and
keep the devil away from that which You may grant us (ie. offspring).]
About this, the Prophet said: "After that, if Allah decrees that they will
have a child, the devil will never be able to harm that child".
[al-Bukharee] [1]
FOOTNOTE:
[Some Scholars say that children are disobedient to their parents usually
because the parents forget/forgot to say the above duaa before having sex.
Ed. of Salaf- us-Salih Page]
5. How he should come to her
It is allowed for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her vagina from any
direction he wishes - from behind or from the front. About this Allaah
revealed the following verse:
"Your wives are a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye
will" [al-Baqarah 2:223]
There are also various hadith on this subject, of which I will give only 2:
On the authority of Jaabir who said: "The Jews used to say that if a man
entered his wife in the vagina but from behind, their child would be
cross-eyed! Then Allaah revealed the verse: "Your wives are as a tilth unto
you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will;" [al-Baqarah 2:223]. The
Prophet said: "From the front or the back, as long as it is in the vagina".
[Al-Bukharee and Muslim]
On the authority of Ibn 'Abbaas who said: "The Ansaar, who had been
polytheists, lived with the Jews, who were people of the book. The former
viewed the latter as being superior to them in knowledge, and used to follow
their example in many things. The people of the book would only make love to
their wives from the side, this being the most modest way for the woman, and
the Ansaar had followed their example in that. These people from the
Quraish, on the other hand, used to expose their women in an uncomely
manner. They took pleasure in them from the front, from the back, or laid
out flat. When the Makkans came to al- Madeenah at the time of the Hijrah,
one of them married a woman from among the Ansaar, and began doing that with
her. She disapproved of it and told him: "We used only to be approached from
the side, so do that or stay away from me!" This dispute became very serious
until it reached the ears of the Prophet. So Allaah, revealed the verse:
"Your wives are as a tilth unto you, so approach your tilth when or how ye
will;" [al-Baqarah 2:223] (ie. from the front, the back, or laid out flat).
What is meant here is the entry which produces children." [Aboo Dawood,
al-Haakim and others: Hasan isnaad and is supported].
6. The Prohibition of Sodomy
It is forbidden for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her anus. This is
understood from the verse quoted above (i.e. since a "planting ground" can
only refer to a place where something might grow), and from the narrations
cited above. There are also other hadith on the subject, among them:
First: On the authority of Umm Salama who said: "When the Muhajireen came to
Ansaar at al-Madeenah, some of them married women from the Ansaar. The women
of the Muhajireen used to lie on their faces (during intercourse) , while the
women of the Ansaar never did it that way. Then, one of the men of the
Muhajireen wanted his wife to do that. She refused until such time as she
could ask the Prophet about it. She went to the Prophet but was embarrassed
to ask the question, and so Umm Salama asked him. Then the verse was
revealed which says: "Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your
tilth when or how ye will;" [al-Baqarah 2:223]. The Prophet said: "No! (not
any way you wish) Except in one opening! (ie. the vagina)". [Ahmad,
at-Tirmidhee and others: Saheeh]
Second: On the authority of Ibn 'Abbaas who said: "'Umar ibn Al-Khattaab
came to the Prophet and said: 'O Messenger of Allaah, I am destroyed!' The
Prophet asked: 'And what has destroyed you, O 'Umar?' 'Umar said: `I turned
my mount around last night.' (An expression which means he has sexual
intercourse with his wife penetrating the vagina while mounting her from the
rear.) The Prophet gave him no answer and when the revelation came and the
verse was revealed which says: "Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so
approach your tilth when or how ye will;" [al-Baqarah 2:223] and the Prophet
said: "From the front and from the back, just beware of her anus and her
menses". [an-Nasaa'ee in "`Ishratun-Nisaa" with hasan isnaad, at-Tirmidhee
and others].
Third: On the authority of Khuzaima ibn Thaabit who said: "A man asked the
Prophet about entering women in the rear, or the entering by a man of his
wife in her rear, and the Prophet answered: `Halaal (ie. permissible) .' When
the man turned to leave, the Prophet called him or ordered for him to be
called back and said: "What did you say? In which of the 2 openings did you
mean? If what you meant was from her rear and in her vagina, then yes. But
if what you meant was from her rear and in her anus, then no. Verily Allaah
is not ashamed of the truth - do not enter your wives in their anuses!"
[as-Shaafi, al-Baihaqi and others: Saheeh]
Fourth: "Allaah does not look at one who comes to his wife in her anus".
[an-Nasaa'ee: Hasan isnaad and supported in "al-'Ishrah" ; at-Tirmidhee and
Ibn Hibbaan].
Fifth: "Cursed are those who come to their wives in their anuses." [Aboo
Dawood, Ahmad and others with hasan isnaad and is supported].
Sixth: "Whoever has sexual intercourse with a menstruating woman, or a woman
in her anus, or approaches a soothsayer and believes what he is told has
disbelieved in that which was revealed to Muhammad. [Aboo Dawood,
at-Tirmidhee and others: Saheeh].
7. Making Wudhuu' between 2 acts with one's wife
When a Muslim man has had sexual intercourse with his wife in the legal
manner and then wishes to return another time, he should first perform
wudhuu', based on the statement of the Prophet : "When one of you comes to
his wife and then wishes to return another time, let him perform wudhuu'
between the 2 times (In another version, the same wudhuu' which he performs
for prayer) for verily, it will invigorate his return."[Muslim, Ibn Abi
Shaibah and others].
8. Bathing is preferable
Bathing, however, is preferable to merely making wudhuu' in such situations.
Abu Raafi' narrates: "That the Prophet made the rounds of all his wives one
night, bathing in the house of each one. He (i.e. the narrator) asked the
Prophet: "Couldn't you have just bathed once (i.e. at the end)? The Prophet
answered: "This way is purer, cleaner and better". [Aboo Daawood,
an-Nasaa'ee: Hasan in "al-'Ishrah" , and others].
9. The Bathing of Husband and Wife together
It is permissible for the husband and wife to bath together in the same
place even though he sees her private parts, and she sees his. This is
established by a number of authentic hadith, among them:
On the authority of 'Aa'ishah (radiallahu anha) who said: "I used to bathe
with the Prophet from a single container of water which was placed between
us such that our hands collided inside it. He used to race me such that I
would say: `Leave some for me, leave some for me!' She added: `We were in a
state of Janaba (i.e. the state of having slept together).'" [Al-Bukharee and
Muslim].
On the authority of Mu'aawiya ibn Haida, who said: "I said: `O Messenger of
Allaah, which of our nakedness is allowed, and of which must we beware?' The
Prophet answered, "Guard your nakedness except from your wife or those whom
your right hand possesses." (So it is permissible for both spouses to look
at and touch the body of his or her companion even the private parts). He
said: `O Messenger of Allah, what about if the relatives live together with
each other?' The Prophet answered: "If you can make sure that no one ever
sees your nakedness, then do so." He said: `O Messenger of Allah, what about
when one is alone?' The Prophet said: "Allah is more deserving of your
modesty than are the people"."[Ahmad, Abu Dawood, at-Tirmidhee and others:
Saheeh].
10. Making Wudhuu' after Sex and before Sleeping
It is best for husband and wife not to sleep after having sex until they
first perform wudhuu'. There are various hadith about this, among them:
First: On the authority of 'Aa'shah who said: "Whenever the Prophet wished
to sleep or eat while in a state of Janaba (i.e. after having sex and before
bathing), he would wash his private parts and perform wudhuu' as for
prayer." [Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim].
Second: On the authority of Ibn 'Umar who said: "O Messenger of Allah,
should we go to sleep in a state of janaba?" The Prophet answered: "Yes,
after making wudhuu." [Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim]. In another version:
"Perform wudhuu' and wash your private parts, and then sleep." [Al-Bukhaaree
and Muslim]. And, in another version: "Yes, you can perform wudhuu', sleep,
and bathe whenever you want." [Muslim and al-Baihaqi]. And, in still another
version: "Yes, and perform wudhuu' if you wish." (This last version proves
that this wudhuu' is not obligatory.) [Ibn Khuzima and Ibn Hibban: Saheeh].
Third: On the authority of 'Ammaar ibn Yaasir, the Prophet said: "There are
three which the angels will never approach: The corpse of a disbeliever; a
man who wears perfume of women; and, one who has had sex until he performs
wudhuu'." [Abu Dawood, Ahmad and others: Hasan].
11. The Ruling of this Wudhuu'
This wudhuu' is not obligatory, but is very highly and definitely
commendable. This (i.e. it's not being obligatory) is based on the hadith
narrated by 'Umar in which he asked the Prophet: "Should we go to sleep in a
state of janaba?" To which the Prophet answered: "Yes, and perform wudhuu'
if you wish." [Ibn Hibbaan: Saheeh]. This is also supported by other hadith,
among them a hadith narrated by 'Aa'ishah who said: "The Prophet used to
sleep in a state of janaba without having touched water, until he would get
up later and bathe." [Ibn Abi Shaiba, at-Tirmidhee, Abu Daawood and others:
Saheeh].
In another version narrated by 'Aa'ishah , she said: ""He used to spend the
night in a state of janaba until Bilal came in the morning to make the
adhaan. Then, he would get up, bathe while I looked at the water dripping
from his head, and go out. Then, I would hear his voice in the Fajr prayer.
Then, he would remain fasting." Mutarrif said: "I said to Aamir: In the
month of Ramadhaan?" He said: "Yes, in Ramadhaan and in other than
Ramadhaan." [Ibn Abi Shaiba, Ahmad and others: Saheeh].
12. Making Tayammum in a state of Janaba instead of Wudhuu'
It is also permissible to make Tayammum sometimes instead of wudhuu' before
sleeping. This is based on a hadith of 'Aa'ishah in which she said: "When
the Prophet was in a state of janaba and wished to sleep, he used to make
wudhuu' or Tayammum." [Al-Baihaqi: Hasan]
13. Bathing before Sleeping is Preferable
Bathing however, is preferable to any of the above-mentioned possibilities
as is clear in the hadith of `Abdullah ibn Qais who said: "I asked 'Ai'ishah
: "What did the Prophet do when in a state of janaba? Did he bathe before
sleeping or sleep before bathing?" She answered: "He did all of those
things. Sometimes he bathes and then slept. And sometimes he performed
wudhuu' and then slept." I said: "Praise be to Allah who made things
flexible."[Muslim, Ahmad and Abu `Auwaana].
14. The Prohibition of sex when She is Menstruating
It is forbidden for a Muslim man to have sexual intercourse with his wife
when she is menstruating. This is clear in the following verse of the
Qur'an:
"They ask thee concerning women's courses. Say: They are a hurt and a
pollution: So keep away from women in their courses, and do not approach
them until they are clean. But when they have purified themselves, ye may
approach them in any manner, time, or place ordained for you by Allah. For
Allah loves those who turn to Him constantly and He loves those who keep
themselves pure and clean." [Al-Baqarah, 2:222]