I have a problem. Although am new to this board, i will appreciate all replies.
I have been married for 2 yrs now and it seems everything is collapsing all around me.
I am a second wife and i don't have any probs with the my mate though we don't live together. We get to meet frequently and we do get along.
Before we got married everything was blissful and ppl actually encouraged me to marry him cos he was so caring. The ppl who objected did so cos 'yana da mata'. Up till a year ago everything was fine but suddenly we don't talk anymore. We don't stay in the same place he only comes for weekends. He hardly calls and when i do we exchange pleasantries THAT IS ALL. I don't know when he's coming or going or even where. When i ask him when he's travelling he say's he doesn't know only for me to find out he has left when i come back from the office.
We live with some relatives of his and recently when ever i going into the bedroom we share and he's with them he starts harping......ba sallama..... or da Allah ki bamu wuri .......i know sometimes he's joking but even in jokes ppl tend to say what's really on their minds. It does hurt me when he does this but still i do as he wishes. Mostly i just go in to drop my bag, get something or even pray.
I know he has a string of girlfriends outside (I know most of the female members here will say i deserve it cos i used to be one). It doesn't bother me so much cos i believe having a good and understanding relationship with your husband is something that no woman can take away from you.
I know i have been taking a lot of things from my husband (although baya zagi ba ya duka) but may be i am old fashioned but I do believe that their is more to marriage than just sleeping together. And frankly speaking I have had it up to my neck and i would not want to go on with this marriage .........if it is going to continue like this for the rest of my life.
I have tried talking to my husband mostly zai ce ki yi hakuri amma ba zai canza ba. I believe i am still young and desirable if he doesn't want me in his life or feels he is no longer attracted to me i believe islamically it is better to divorce and let me have a life instead of just letting me hang in there.
I'll welcome criticism and i will clarify issues not clear. Thank you.
I will like to add that sometime ago my husband and i talked about conceiving and he said he was not ready that he didn't think even i was ready, anyway I said i was. Prior to that we had been practicing safe period. I did concieve and when i had tested, i sent him text and told him. Well, to date he has not acknowledged the pregnancy ko yajiki bai shiga tsakanin mu ba and i am already in my second trimester.
anxiously awaiting your response.
Salam sista WW.
I read all that you have stated. To start with divorce isnt the first step..........
Yeah I have read it all. You and ur husby are not in good terms......ok yeah he has a second wife...but she isnt the problem neither d solution. Ur husband is the problem...& wat is it? He doesnt give you that full attetion!!!(corect me if am mistaken)
2 start with.......have you ever tried to talk to him...to tell him the fact that you have noticed his changes in attitudes and that you r not really happy with his newly changed behaviour?
kinsan communication skills is d best vital link to a good happy marriage life!!!
Secondly, in all that you have stated, I c no genuine reason to start thinking about divorce. From my own point of view, there r only three ground that stand a chance 4 divorce, but b/4 I even go further......In Islam mace is not allowed to file a divorce agaisnt her husband xcept she is receiving a harsh treatment, which in ur case bayamiki....sai dai rashin kula kawai ko...cuz he neva hits nor curses u ko?...xcept that....he is not giving you that husbandly luv ko?
ok you can only file a divorce against ur husband if: he has committed adultery outside ur marriage even if he did...unless u cannot bear or tolerate livin with him...then u can file for a divorce.
Divorce is permisable in Islam if ONLY you find your husband behaviour outrageous that you cannot bear wat so eva d circumstance....which in ur case.....he is not nasty to you...juss a lil changes in behaviour ko?
Yes you r ryt when use said....ba kya ganin shi...but then again that duz not give u d prividlege to start thinking about divorce.....because had it been he is seperated for u for such a looooooooong period of tym at least two years, with an intention of deserting u,or mayb he has left u for som1 else, or both of you are livin seperately.... then if amonsgt these listed, is of which u have become a victim, then I say you can proceed for filing a divorce. if that is really want you want..........
amman tsaya........before you go.......Is it trully wat u want? Kinason fita daga gida mijin ki? If no.....go back inside & sit......listen to this: Have you asked him if there was anything wrong? Probably u did him wrong? May b he myt b going thru some sort fo personal problem, u neva know!! Mayb theres something wrong which causes his unreasonable behaviour towards you... have u tried...tlkin ,.....have u tried counsellin? Infact, u r still wat I will call a new wedded amarya...u r still young then, so isnt it quite reasonable to report these incident to him/ur parents..even though nasan shi babban ne wanda ya kama hankalinshi but still u can tell iyanshi & naki so that they can assist & find a solution
kinsan........hakuri solves everything...juss keep being strong....patience duz everything..dont go out of d bloom sum up...yeah! am filing a divorce, saboda, baya bani tym, ko kuma saboda yana tafiya baya gayamin..even when u r ryt on it.....I can understand I am absolutely with u, have every ryt 2 b mad,....angry...frustrated but then again, calm down,...make sure u r out of these.......before thinkin about any divorce issues...........
Cumin down..to this issue: i c no reason why a man.....will give u a child & indirectly deny it even when d child is still an unbron!!!.....agree 2 disagree ppl.....he is indirectly denyin his own child......ya za'ayi mutum nada mata......she txt'd u 2 inform u that u gon b a daddy.........not 2 show any happiness....ballentana remorse on mornin sickness that zata shiga......Not to even care!!! THAT is bad........Kinga idan bayaso. He doesnt want to be d daddy...u keep ur baby.....Allah has designed everything livin human ......
Here ur husband has turlly done you wrong but....I think there is something underneath anything..juss fynd out from him.........even if u r still goin 2 go on processin ur divorce......make sure u acknowledge him..so that he duz have a gud & clear intentions of such acts......
I here by stop: as am sure you will get gud responses from ma families e're.........& dont worry WW Allah baya bacci....may d lurd almyty bless ur unborn child......& may d lurd also loose the twists in your marriage life.......2 turn it 4 d better.
Everybody say Ameen......in main tym I here by welcome Worried Wife u 2 kanoonline....u wont regret putting up ur dilemma here...& inshallah u will become unwaorried or shud I say happy wife. Inshaallah!!!
Ma'assalam
Quote
Secondly, in all that you have stated, I c no genuine reason to start thinking about divorce. From my own point of view, there r only three ground that stand a chance 4 divorce, but b/4 I even go further......In Islam mace is not allowed to file a divorce agaisnt her husband xcept she is receiving a harsh treatment, which in ur case bayamiki....sai dai rashin kula kawai ko...cuz he neva hits nor curses u ko?...xcept that....he is not giving you that husbandly luv ko?
I truly agree with ummita here. I don't think your ultimate decision is divorce, as I say to so many of my client you can work out anything in this world by communicating. You really need to talk to him, I think you don't give him time to think through his problem. the best thing to do here is make up a big date you and him and talk about everything that's on your chest, let it out. I think kina jin tsoro ko wani abu, it might be the fact that you are shy, because this is your first marriage I assume and you are newly weds, you have to give it time...
by the way what makes you come up with this harsh idea of divorce.
WW sannu da zuwa k-online. Ummita ta fada miki gaskiya and i will add a few things nima:
A kullun ki tuna cewa divorce is the worst permitted thing in the sight of Allah (SWT). Life must be extra unbearable b4 you even consider it.
Patience is a virtue, Prophet Mohammed (SAW) was asked which the best virtue was and he said patience (hakuri) 3 times. For most, zaman aure especially these days is more of zaman hakuri than that of jin dadi, so dole ki tura ran ki a nisa sosai. I am not saying you have to settle for the life you find yourself in now, but most likely with hakuri, you will see him pass this phase he is going through and things will change for the better. Kuma you must endavour to make sure biki yi masa laifi ba and always know that communication is the key, never let that line cut off.
Amma bai kyauta ba ko kadan idan har yanzu bai ce miki komai ba regarding your pregnancy. I need to know one thing though, dont tell me all you did was send him one SMS! I dont know with the rest of you pple here cos several times i have been sent sms' that i havent recieve till this day, and same for some i have sent... they just seemed to have vanished in the 'air waves'... it is possible your sms never reached him. But if you are already in your 2nd trimester he should have noticed the changes you are going through. Anyhow i think you should tell him face to face that you are having his baby.
Allah ya kara bada hakuri and ki tuna a kullun that 'mahakurci shi ne mawadaci'. Allah ya sa mu dace, Amin.
haquri? she hardly sees him around.. they dont comunicate... he prolly doesnt know halin da take chiki..
HAVE U ANY IDEA HOW THAT HURTS?? ?? ?? ?? :-/
personally.. i would ask him wats up... why he's acting shady and what's on his mind... communication!
if he keeps on acting shady....i would juss call it off.. and ask for divorce... cuz aint no use in living like strangers... but thats what i think.
if i had means of taking care of myself.. y'know.. if i can support myself and my child... i would call it off.
its a pointless marriage... where is da love and happiness? :'( that's wuts marriage is about? how are u even sure he'll give ur child attention? the baby is under construction.. and he still could care less..... awwww
Worried Wife... may Allah bless u with strength and courage and patience!
FDQ ai hakuri has never been a simple or easy thing to do. This is a marriage between 2 people (2 pple that Allah(SWT) has brought together), no matter how hopeless, we cannot just jump to conclusions like that fa. There is no point raising the tensions any higher than they already are.
Take care of her baby??? Ai ba na ta bane it kadai. If by any chance (very unlikely) she gets custody of the child, imagine the pain of growing up not seeing your parents together. I think for the sake of her kid ma she should try just a little harder. Dont get me wrong, WW has been wronged seriously but taking the warriors path isnt the best solution for her at this time.
... ok, people are always sayin.. for the sake of the kids.. sake of the kids...
sake of the kids?? ?? ?? ??
but um.. how would the kids feel when they grow up seeing their dad mistreating their mother?? or they grow up in a household where the dad is never around? or the parents are bickering at each other? a household where they obviously see that their mother is depressed and a reject.
it would be TRAUMATIZING!
they would automatically hate the father, or disrespect the mother... u cant let ur kids grow up in a household that lacks love and happiness... a household that lacks family understanding!
but who knows.. maybe he'll ADORE the child after it is born... maybe the husband is going thru something he cant sure with Worried Wife....
so i SUGGEST she has a DEEP CONVERSATION! with him...
IF he refuses to change.. i dont see why she should suffer...
and since he's actually ignoring the fact that she's pregnant.. wut makes u think he'll be more than happy to have custody of the child?
Humm!
Warried wife your story is so touching being a mother myself.
what i will Advice you is try not to take it too harsh,
Think about saparation instead of divorce, go away for some time and give him plenty of space to think, becouse sometime we don't really know what we have till is gone.
Kuma inkince divorce dinne, kinsan gaba kuma wazaki samu? :-/ Lamarin Aure sai hakuri, sai kaji kakiji, kuma kagani kaki gani.
And just keep praying.
Hello,
worried wife, I rushed earlier to write my reply, because I was at work and busy. but I have since then I have seen a trend with all the people who are offering you their suggestion. and this is HAKURI/PATIENCE, they are totally right. I know for a fact that the number one thing I said to my clients is Communication. you guys are lacking that, for the simple fact that he doesn't talk to you I also think that you don't talk to him in the way you want to. you per se think that you are trying to talk to him, but the matter here is that you not letting him know... forgive me if I'm wrong, I think you feel like he should be the starter.
what I would suggest you do is jot down all the things that are bugging you right now, including your pregnancy. come to think of it, I think you got paranoid because you are pregnant right now. it's was okay before you concieve but it look like it's worrying you very much now. I have another wuestion for you.. does he have any children with the other wife? does he look like someone who doesn't like childre? ask yourself those question and you will probably come to see a light at the end of this tunnel.
I know it's hard, I'm a big communicator and believe me I get really upset very quickly, but you are only in your second year of holy matrimony don't you think you should talk to someone? I know people might think I'm crazy but I refer a lot of people to see marriage consulars but hausawa hates the idea, so as for you I will like to suggest that you seek your parents counsiling. your parents can always have meeting with him and he will know that's something ain't right in this marriage.
I have to go, but one last advice a dinga yi a na ke zuciya nesa... domin you can make matters worst, remember you are about to be a mother;) by the way I'm happy for you. so think about the counsling thingy it works.
Thank you for all your responses. May Allah reward you abundantly.
I did try talking to him but he tunes me out by watching TV or playing games on his PC and hardly listens. Besides the only time we have alone is at night and most times he doesn't turn in early till 11 or 12 and then i am too sleepy or tired to bother especially since i need to get up early and go to work.
I've called him on the phone and most times he's with ppl and can't talk or he's busy in the office. told him to call me when he has time talk and he tells me to call later and that makes me so angry and mad THAT i feel that he's just tuning me out again and doesn't even want to talk. Sometimes i call again and let him HAVE IT other times i just forget the whole thing and don't even call back. The circle is on again once more but this time around i will be patient and keep calling back cos he can't stall me forever. Eventually when i get him to listen to me i will tell him all that is on my mind. I won't ask him to divorce me or anything like that. I will ask him to tell me why he does these things to me, Cos i already asked him ko na mishi laifi ya ce a'a. To idan na mishi laifi i wonder what he'll do?
FDQ i agree with what you say (about kids) and what i firmly believe is Allah shi ke rayar wa. And i will really hate to see my kids grow to pity or disrespect me.
Borg i am sure he got my text and even if he didn't he's not blind to see the changes in me.
Ummita, gimbiya and Borg i agree with you that hakuri is maganin zaman duniya. But in my heart of hearts i just feel he doesn't want me anymore in his life why shld I ?
I believe it will be better for both of us to just go our seperate ways than to live together ana zaluntar wani.
I assume mun yi aure ne don muna son juna (both of us)
to idan mun dai na son juna we don't have to stick it out and then the love will turn to hate. In situations like this matar ita ke shan wuya cos the man can always marry someone else whom he likes ke kuma a bar ki a tasha.
Gimbiya you did ask wether he has other children he has two children whom he loves very much you need to see him with them.
AS i said for now i won't do anything drastic like seperation (as SISTER suggested) cos i promised myself cewa so long as am married to my husband ba zan bar gidan sai dai when it's over. Cos the society in which we live is one that gulmace-gulmace and kananan magana sun yi yawa that if i shld go to my parents house my marriage will be over b4 it is really over. One of the reasons why i came online with my problem is don in nemi shawara da taimako a cikin rufin asiri. Done idan ka gaya ma iyayen ka they will end up hating ur husband and being too biased to help in any constructive way. Idan ka gaya ma friends shi kenan ka gaya wa uwa duniya ........an sami abin yi ai ta gulmar ka.
Ina sauraron ku....
Na gode.
Assalamu alaikum
Mrs i can imagine how u felt by this sudden change in your husband,in my own understanding is either somebody tell him or pampered him with some stories about u that are not pleasant to his ears,or the pregnancy issue is making u see hatred in your husband's behaviour,which everway like the other ladies said be patient and try to resolve things amicably.you know the type of person he is,u know his weak sides,use the weak sides as a weopon to protect your interest,u need to talk to him no matter what,pressurised him to tell if anything was wrong but not in a harsh manner try to show him your good side,i don't want to accuse your kishiya but try to understand what kishi is all about,think of how she reacted when she first met you,she can be friendly but harm in another way,and also your dangin miji might have also played a role,don't you have somebody amongst them that you are closed to.try and squized some information from her,i am not trying to add salt to an injury but this is all theories and in our society anything can happen but before accusing anybody you have to get closer to your husband,and please stop thinking of rabuwa is too early,and will not solve anythiung remember the pain of being called bazawara,and tsegumin da zai biyo baya,and anybody that will marry you will want to know the reasoning why your husband divorce you,and also remember taking your child to somebody's house,naka ma da ka haifa a gidan kishiyoyi yaya balle kuma kazo da agola,duk wadannan suna taimakawa wurin zaman mace a gidan mijin ta,though time has changed but still our society is not completely changed.at last one great weopon is prayer this is the time to get closer to your creator,pray hard day and night,recite the holy book every morning and bedtime,Allah ba azzalumin sarki bane yasan dake kuma yasan da mijin in har baki da hakki Allah bazai bar abin haka ba,
[please where is ummulhuda?she will give you some supplication to recite,please immul respond]Allah ya wuce mana gaba.
QuoteAssalamu alaikum
Mrs i can imagine how u felt by this sudden change in your husband,in my own understanding is either somebody tell him or pampered him with some stories about u that are not pleasant to his ears,
that is an EXCELLENT point!!!!!...
Quotethinking of rabuwa is too early,and will not solve anythiung remember the pain of being called bazawara,and tsegumin da zai biyo baya,and anybody that will marry you will want to know the reasoning why your husband divorce you,
"being called a bazawara"? that juss DISGUSTED meeh!!!! SO WHUT? so whut if people are looking down on her?? ?? ?? ??
WAS SHE BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD TO LIVE UP TO "THEIR" EXPECTATIONS?? ?? ?? OR IS SHE HERE TO LIVE UP TO GOD'S?? ?? ?? as long as the sister has good intentions for HER WELL-BEING!! Allah knows her intentions.. and Allah is with the truthful!
Allah be che ku zauna a chuche ku ba!
Quoteat last one great weopon is prayer this is the time to get closer to your creator,pray hard day and night,recite the holy book every morning and bedtime,Allah ba azzalumin sarki bane yasan dake kuma yasan da mijin in har baki da hakki Allah bazai bar abin haka ba,
AMIN!!!! prayers are most definately here to keep ur heart as ease!
Quoteplease where is ummulhuda?she will give you some supplication to recite,please immul respond. Allah ya wuce mana gaba.
aaahh... like u know the person i'm waiting for to answer this... aunty ummul!
but f'real.... WORRIED WIFe, u should try and COMMUNICATE well enough... if he still wont listen... well, he's obviously giving u a hint!...
but talk to him.. maybe something personal is bothering him
i'm jus wondering.... how old is he? and maybe asking how u guys met will be a bit too much...
but analyze urself a bit...then analyze him, then the situation! WITH UR HUSBAND!
Assalamu Alaykum
I can believe man can be this cruel to his wife. Nobody forced this fellow to marry you it was by choice but i will love to listen to his side of the story, that is if he has one. May be yana da ruwan ido ne, tunda yana da Girl Friends da yawa may be he realised a little too late that it is not you he wanted to marry. Sorry if i'm harsh but it just unbelievable, why did he marry you in the first place? Plase keep your child, Allah ya saukeki lafiya ya kuma baki da na gari. Sai kuma addu'a, ki dage ki sata gaba, kullu yaumin fi sha'atun.
Ki yawaita Subahanal walhamdulillah wa la'ilaha illalahu wallahu akbar walahaula wala quawwati illa billahi alyal azim, maganin damuwa ce sossai.
Amma gaskiya yana daukar hakki, ki taimake shi ki gaya masa gaskiya. Allah ya taimakeki ya kuma kareki, Allah kuma ya shiryeshi da mu gaba daya. Yan uwa a taimakawa worried wife da addu'a.
Divorce is very undesirable, extremly so but of course Allah the Almighty says i Hadithil Qudsi that "I have forbiden opperession for myself and has forbidden it amongst you so do not oppress one another." Your husband is oppressing you, therefore there is ground for divorce. Not only that there seem to be no harmony, love is missing that is also a ground for divorce. Check http://www.fatwa-online.com/fataawa/marriage/divorce/9991120_2.htm for more information.
Assalamu Alaikum,
Thank you so much for your replies. I did speak to him and things are changing though not dramatically. I am exercising patience and asking Q's where i would have kept quiet before. I believe with Allah all things are possible. This will Insha Allah be my last post on this thread.
Jaza Kallahu Khairan,
WW
Insha Allah, all will turn out well...
one last piece of advice...
"PRAY TOGETHER"... tell him u want to pray for the best out of ur relationship... get him all emotional and feeling guilty..hehe...
Much Luv!.... i hope u settle everything... ;D
Since things r beginin 2 make a u-turn, I'd reckon u change worried wyf 2 happy wyf.........may d lurd b with u & may he showa his blessinz in ur marriege......
Sista Unknown I have this feelin that u......aniwez :-X
Ummita ???kece kuwa.well just say it out,may be it will benefit me,u know u contributed alot to my :-X :'(
bye
Worried wife,
Thanks for the feedback,
and I hope things will continue to improve.
And my last piece of advice is just keep praying
do not take your money to boka or mallam,
Allah is always near everyone he see and hear us
and always ready to help
GOOD-LUCK
And Ummita why are you afraid to say exactly?
What is't?
QuoteAnd Ummita why are you afraid to say exactly?
What is't?
See me see trouble. Sista, pastor ba ya hana jin gulma ba?
Yes I am veryyyyy afraid cuz Unknow will eat me alive........ I was only thinkin but I kidan taut rufun asiri na da kyau..it has nefink 2 du with ur story Unknown....juss comtemplatin on sum'in anyways iz all sorted out.
So sista u gave Worried wife a gud advice.......I know this boka Islam is sooooo against of...I also see no point in askin Ustaz or big mallam 2 du saukan Qur'an or help u with prayaz...I think they go hand in hand, d only diff is Boka duz d shirk biz whereas d mallam duznt...I personally think subjectin ur prayaz in ur own self 2 Allah is d best...........Sista dama I have been wantin 2 know about them bokaye/wat Islam says & if it is really thru women visit these ppl 2 help apart from sista any1 willin 2 hyhlyt sista ummita?
salam
How horrid! I must say this sought of Husband isnt what anybody needs. It is incumbent upon all Muslim, which I suppose you are, to learn our religion as much as possible especially Fiqh. For a husband to deny his wife any right she previously had in her biological home is enough reason to file for divorce ( talaq in Arabic). Khul'u is the specific type of divorce granted to women who for reason of their choosing ( legitimate of course), can invoke to dissolve a fallen marriage. As others allude to earlier, Talaq is the only lawful action that the prophet regrets people to implement. So, for a reasonable period try mending the rift btw you; otherwise, bail out.
May Allah continue to help us all.
Bissalam
Quote
See me see trouble. Sista, pastor ba ya hana jin gulma ba?
LOL Ummita!!!
POSTOR!!! ???
Yes zuwa gidan boka/mallam what ever is totaly against Islam.
Amma sai kiga when people are desperate can spend a fortune. Allah yakare.
Jazakallah sis....... Kinger I have learnt from u even though it was juss a 2 line explanation (she laffs)Its good to have ppl like you around. So indeed some women du go 2 mallams or is it bokaz...yeah as u said Allah ya kare!
Salamun Jamaa!
To duk wannan rubuce rubuce naku duk karya ce. Ba wata 'worried wife'. Wannan tatsuniya ce irin ta nasara. Labarinnan ba gaskiya ba ne. Kawai WW ta kirkiro ko kuma ya kirkiro in namiji ne domin ya wasa kwakwalwar ku da ba ku da aikin yi.
Jamaa, ya kama ta ku mayarda rayuwarku wurin magan gannu na kirki wadanda za su taimake mu, da addinin mu da kasarmu to arewa gaba daya.
wassalaam
Faisal kaikuma aikin yinne yasa kazo kana karyata mutane?
Well inma karya take ai donkanta.
Sarkin da ya hallicemu baibamu izzini karanta zuciya don gane makaryaci ko maigaskiya ba.
Huh Faisal? Thats not fair.....ba kyau karyata mutanne!!! Besides there r loads of ppl that hav told their story!!! it aint fair........thats not d ryt way a muslim shud behave....It states in d quaran that even if u think sum1 lied............u shudnt spill it out in public 2 degrade or level low a person.....
Salam
Faisal I cannot see how you can be able to distinguish btw gayb and the physical truth on an internet forum! We should take this as is. If its a lie then laifin wacce ta rubutace ba kai ko ni ba.
Bissalam
Faisal...ur post is completely unnecessary.
I'm Kinda late here but WW, I'm really sorry about your situation. My
family here have said everything to you, everything I can and cant say, now I
can only emphasis:patience, faith and prayer.[/i] These are the most
powerful weapons that you have at ur wrist, utilise them. Remember
Islam....faith is what makes us different from the rest of the world, patience is
what brings about glory and prayer is success. Indeed, ur husbands attention is
not on you, but gradually it will be insha-Allah. Avoid divorce, its the worst of
all legal things, u must only think of it when there are no more options, no more
hopes.
I'm not married but I have seena lot of families, its a digrace and nothing
but endless misery that befalls on such homes. Your husbands eyes are not
necessarily on someone else, I suggest...I know no on will like it but I suggest
you talk to smeone that knows him, that can talk to him, his mother/sister or
even his wife, who knows what shes into also. I know how difficult it is. And
dont give up talking too, be very sensitive. Keep to the prayers. May Allah help
u...and us too ga baki daya....Ameen.
Lalala, Faisal Haram Alayka.... no right to judge like that,
and I think the worried wife has better things to do than just write crap....aiight?
whether tru or not...exact or similar things happen around...
And Insha Allah may Allah help people in these kind of problems ....
A lengthy but useful contribution from a brother forwarded by me as a relevant material to this topic:
Rulings on marriage
Allaah has enjoined marriage in a number of aayahs. He says (interpretation of the meanings):
“then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.
And give to the women (whom you marry) their Mahr (obligatory bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) with a good heart; but if they, of their own good pleasure, remit any part of it to you, take it, and enjoy it without fear of any harm (as Allaah has made it lawful).”
[al-Nisaa’ 4:3-4]
“But if you intend to replace a wife by another and you have given one of them a Qintaar (of gold, i.e. a great amount as Mahr), take not the least bit of it back; would you take it wrongfully without a right and (with) a manifest sin?
And how could you take it (back) while you have gone in unto each other, and they have taken from you a firm and strong covenant?
[al-Nisaa’ 4:20-21]
“provided you seek (them in marriage) with Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) from your property” [al-Nisaa’ 4:24]
And Allaah tells us the story of how Moosa married the daughter of the man of Madyan (Midian) in return for working for him for eight or ten years.
And Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“and live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah brings through it a great deal of good” [al-Nisaa’ 4:19]
“but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them…” [ al-Baqarah 2:228]
These aayahs point to the command to marry, and indicate that it is waajib (obligatory) or mustahabb (encouraged) according to circumstances. Allaah encourages men to choose a righteous wife, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allaah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allaah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity and their husband’s property)” [al-Nisaa’ 4:34]
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Women may be married for four things: wealth, beauty, lineage or religious commitment. Choose the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” That is because she will benefit her husband in both his spiritual and worldly affairs, and will protect herself and his wealth, and will take good care of the family and give the children a good religious upbringing.
It is permitted for a man to marry four free women, and he may have intimate relationships with as many as he wishes of slave women whom his right hand possesses. But it is recommended to limit oneself to only one wife if there is the fear of treating them unjustly.
Allaah has commanded men to give women their mahr, which may be a small or large amount, and may take the form of money/wealth or other benefits. A man who has an orphan girl under his guardianship is commanded not to treat her unjustly. If he wants to marry her, then he has to treat her fairly with regard to the mahr, and not give her less than she deserves. If he does not want to marry her, then he should not prevent her from marrying someone else so that she will be forced to give him something of her property or some of her mahr, for this is injustice and oppression (zulm). He has to work in her best interests just as he would do for his own daughters.
If a woman is mature and willingly gives her husband something of the mahr, then he has the right to consume it without any blame being attached to him, so long as that is not because he is keeping her hanging [not keeping her as a wife and not releasing her to marry someone else]. If he keeps her hanging in order to get back all or some of that which he gave to her, he is guilty of a grave sin. Allaah explained the reason behind that by asking how he could take that (the mahr) when he has enjoyed an intimate relationship with her and they have gone in unto each other, and “and they have taken from you a firm and strong covenant” [al-Nisaa’ 4:21 – interpretation of the meaning]. This covenant means the obligations of marriage which include the fulfilment of all rights, the first of which is the mahr. The mahr is reduced by half if the husband divorces his wife before consummation of the marriage and the mahr has been agreed. She has the right to half of what has been agreed unless either of them gives up his or her half, which then belongs to the other. In these aayahs it is shown that the mahr is the property of the wife and that it should be paid in full when the marriage is consummated; the same applies if the husband dies, because that is a conclusion to the marriage.
Allaah has commanded both partners to live honourably with one another, treating one another kindly and refraining from harming one another. Neither of them should deny or withhold the rights of the other, or object to fulfilling those rights. Living honourably with one another means that maintenance, clothing, accommodation etc. should be provided according to ‘urf (local custom), if there is any dispute as to value and definition. It also depends on the husband’s own circumstances. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Let the rich man spend according to his means; and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allaah has given him. Allaah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him.” [al-Talaaq 65:7]
Allaah urges husbands to be patient with their wives even if they dislike them, because their nature may change, or He may grant children through them, or there may be many benefits in their living with them and having them take care of their property.
The phrase (interpretation of the meaning): “and you have given one of them a Qintaar (of gold, i.e. a great amount as Mahr)” [al-Nisaa’ 4:20] indicates that it is permissible to give a large mahr, but it is better to be simple in this and other matters, for the best of women are those whose demands are simple.
Allaah has forbidden seven kinds of relatives (for marriage): mothers, including every female in the direct line of ascent (i.e., mothers, grandmothers, etc); daughters, including every female in the direct line of descent (i.e., daughters, granddaughters, etc); sisters from all sides (i.e., including half-sisters through the father or mother); sisters’ daughters, no matter how far the line of descent; brothers’ daughters, no matter how far the line of descent; paternal aunts, i.e., every sister of your father or grandfathers; maternal aunts, i.e., every sister of your mother or grandmothers. Every other female relative is permissible for marriage, such as daughters of paternal uncles or aunts, or daughters of maternal uncles or aunts (first cousins). When there is a relationship through breastfeeding (radaa’), the corresponding relatives of the breastfeeding woman and her husband, to whom the milk belongs, are forbidden for marriage, just as is the case with blood relationships. As far as the nursing child is concerned, the prohibition applies only to him and his children [i.e., his siblings are not affected].
Allaah has forbidden marriage to four in-laws, three by virtue of the marriage contract itself [i.e., regardless of whether or not the marriage is consummated]. These are the mothers of your wives, the wives of your sons, the wives of your fathers. (The fourth category is) the daughters of your wives if you have consummated the marriage with their mothers; but if the marriage has not been consummated, there is no sin in marrying the wives’ daughters.
Allaah has forbidden being married to two sisters at the same time. The Sunnah forbids being married to a woman and her paternal or maternal aunt at the same time. It also forbids a free man to marry a slave woman unless he cannot afford to marry a free woman and he is afraid of hardship, and the slave woman is a Muslim.
It is forbidden for a Muslim man to marry a kaafir woman and stay married to her, except for chaste woman from among those who were given the Book, Jews and Christians. It is forbidden for a Muslim woman to marry a kaafir man. It is forbidden to marry a zaaniyah (woman who has committed fornication or adultery) until she repents, or to marry a woman whom one has divorced by talaaq three times, unless she has married another man in a genuine marriage, had intercourse with him and been divorced by him, and she has completed her ‘iddah.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning);
“and a believing woman if she offers herself to the Prophet, and the Prophet wishes to marry her a privilege for you only, not for the (rest of) the believers” [al-Ahzaab 33:50]. This clearly indicates that the believers are not allowed to marry except with a mahr that has been stated or agreed upon. If a condition is stipulated that there is to be no mahr, that condition is null and void. Is the marriage itself invalid because of that, or should a mahr like that of a woman of similar status be given, and the marriage remain valid? There are two scholarly views on this point. This also indicates that “quid-pro-quo” marriages are forbidden, where two men give one another their charges (daughters, sisters etc.) to one another in marriage, and the mahr of each woman is the giving of the other woman in marriage.
Allaah states that if a man marries a woman without agreeing upon a mahr, then he divorces her before consummating the marriage, then she should be given a gift – a rich man should give according to his means, and a poor man should give according to his means (cf. Al-Baqarah 2:236).
Giving a gift to a divorced wife in other cases is Sunnah mu’akkadah (confirmed Sunnah), as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And for divorced women, maintenance (should be provided) on reasonable (scale). This is a duty on AlMuttaqoon (the pious)” [al-Baqarah 2:241]
Allaah addresses women’s guardians with regard to their marriage in a number of places, for example (interpretation of the meanings):
“And when you have divorced women and they have fulfilled the term of their prescribed period, do not prevent them from marrying their (former) husbands” [al-Baqarah 2:232]
This indicates that the guardian has a say in the matter with regard to marriage.
The aayah (interpretation of the meaning): “and they have taken from you a firm and strong covenant” [al-Nisaa’ 4:21] indicates that there has to be the proposal and acceptance, because the firm and strong covenant includes the proposal of marriage and acceptance, which implies the inclusion of the rights of the wife, including the mahr, etc.
The aayah (interpretation of the meaning) “if they mutually agree on reasonable basis” [al-Baqarah 2:232] indicates that the mutual agreement of the two spouses should be taken into account, and that that mutual agreement should be on a reasonable basis. If a woman agrees to marry a man who is not compatible, then her guardian has the right to prevent her from marrying him.
If a wife is rebellious, Allaah commands the husband to advise her and to forsake her in bed [deny her her conjugal rights]. If she does not then come to her senses, then he may hit her (lightly). If there is the fear that there is a split between them and that reconciliation is difficult, then two arbitrators should be appointed, one from the husband’s family and one from the wife’s family, and they should try to reconcile them if at all possible, whether by giving some compensation or by foregoing some rights, or some other way. Otherwise, they may separate whether by khul’ or by asking for talaaq, depending on the circumstances.
Fath al-Raheem al-Malik al-‘Allaam fi ‘Ilm al-‘Aqaa’id wa’l-Tawheed wa’l-Akhlaaq wa’l-Ahkaam al-Mustanbatah min al-Qur’aan by Shaykh ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn Naasir al-Sa’di, p. 144
For our use and guidance find below rulings on divorce from the Shari'ah point of view. Your comments!
Rulings on divorce and connected matters in the Qur’aan
Allaah says (interpretation of the meanings):
“O Prophet! When you divorce women, divorce them at their ‘Iddah (prescribed periods) and count (accurately) their ‘Iddah (periods). And fear Allaah your Lord (O Muslims). And turn them not out of their (husband’s) homes nor shall they (themselves) leave, except in case they are guilty of some open illegal sexual intercourse. And those are the set limits of Allaah. And whosoever transgresses the set limits of Allaah, then indeed he has wronged himself. You (the one who divorces his wife) know not it may be that Allaah will afterward bring some new thing to pass (i.e. to return her back to you if that was the first or second divorce)”
[al-Talaaq 65:1]
“O you who believe! When you marry believing women, and then divorce them before you have sexual intercourse with them, no ‘Iddah [prescribed period following divorce] have you to count in respect of them. So give them a present, and set them free (i.e. divorce) in a handsome manner”
[al-Ahzaab 33:49]
“And divorced women shall wait (as regards their marriage) for three menstrual periods, and it is not lawful for them to conceal what Allaah has created in their wombs, if they believe in Allaah and the Last Day. And their husbands have the better right to take them back in that period, if they wish for reconciliation. And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allaah is All-Mighty, All-Wise.
The divorce is twice, after that, either you retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness. And it is not lawful for you (men) to take back (from your wives) any of your Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) which you have given them, except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allaah (e.g. to deal with each other on a fair basis). Then if you fear that they would not be able to keep the limits ordained by Allaah, then there is no sin on either of them if she gives back (the Mahr or a part of it) for her Al-Khul‘ (divorce). These are the limits ordained by Allaah, so do not transgress them. And whoever transgresses the limits ordained by Allaah, then such are the Zaalimoon (wrongdoers).
And if he has divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter until she has married another husband…”
[al-Baqarah 2:228-230]
“And those of your women as have passed the age of monthly courses, for them the ‘Iddah (prescribed period), if you have doubt (about their periods), is three months; and for those who have no courses [(i.e. they are still immature) their ‘Iddah (prescribed period) is three months likewise, except in case of death]. And for those who are pregnant (whether they are divorced or their husbands are dead), their ‘Iddah (prescribed period) is until they lay down their burden”
[al-Talaaq 65:4]
“And those of you who die and leave wives behind them, they (the wives) shall wait (as regards their marriage) for four months and ten days”
[al-Baqarah 2:234]
From these aayahs we learn many rulings on divorce, reconciliation and ‘iddah (waiting period). First and foremost, Allaah urges men to keep their wives and to be patient with them, because there may be much good in that. This indicates that Allaah loves harmony between spouses and dislikes separation. These aayahs indicate that divorce is permissible, and that it is one of the blessings that Allaah bestows upon His slaves, for it wards off a great deal of harm and hardship when necessary.
At the same time, Allaah commands His slaves, if they want to divorce, to adhere to the limits of sharee’ah which are in their best interests, both spiritual and worldly, and to divorce them at their ‘Iddah (prescribed periods). The Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) interpreted this as meaning that they should be pure and not menstruating, and that no intercourse should have taken place during that period of purity. Thus the divorced woman will be in her ‘iddah and it will be known that divorce is permitted at that time. The same applies if she is divorced after pregnancy has become apparent. This indicates that divorce when a woman is menstruating or during a period of purity when intercourse has taken place but pregnancy is not apparent, is haraam. Also, it is not permitted for a man to divorce a woman more than once (at one time), because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And treat not the Verses (Laws) of Allaah as a jest”
[al-Baqarah 2:231]
Allaah does not mention any specific phrases by which divorce takes place. This indicates that everything which could be understood as meaning divorce, explicitly or implicitly, if the intentions or circumstances indicate that, means that divorce has taken place.
The aayah indicates that the divorce which is revocable is the first or second talaaq (divorce); if the husband divorces his wife for the third time, she is no longer permissible for him, unless she marries another husband, in a genuine marriage in which he has intercourse with her, then he divorces her and she waits out the ‘iddah following that divorce. The phrase “until she has married another husband” [al-Baqarah 2:230 – interpretation of the meaning] indicates that nikaah al-tahleel (a marriage of convenience to let a woman re-marry her former husband) is haraam, because it is not a shar’i marriage and does not have the effect of making the woman permissible for her former husband.
The phrase “And their husbands have the better right to take them back in that period” [al-Baqarah 2:228 – interpretation of the meaning] indicates that the divorced woman whose divorce is revocable (first or second talaaq) is a wife who comes under the same rulings as other wives in all aspects, except that she does not have a share of her husband’s time [in the case of plural marriage]. The husband may take her back whether she likes it or not, because he has the right to do so, but Allaah has set out certain conditions for taking her back:
1- The divorce should be talaaq [not another kind of divorce]. If it is any kind of annulment, then he cannot take her back, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And divorced women [al-mutallaqaat, i.e., women divorced by talaaq]…” [al-Baqarah 2:228]
2- It should be a first or second talaaq, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “The divorce is twice” [al-Baqarah 2:229], i.e., revocable divorce. Then Allaah clearly states that if the husband divorces her again, she is not permissible for him unless she marries another husband.
3- That it should take place within the ‘iddah, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And their husbands have the better right to take them back in that period” [al-Baqarah 2:228].
4- That by taking her back, the husband should not have the intention of harming her; he should be meaning to bring her back to a real marriage.
5- Divorce (talaaq) should not be given in return for some compensation. If some compensation is given, then it is khul’ or something similar. Allaah calls khul’ a ransom; if the husband has the right to take the wife back, then there is no ransom in that case.
6- Divorce cannot take place before consummation, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “O you who believe! When you marry believing women, and then divorce them before you have sexual intercourse with them, no ‘Iddah [prescribed period following divorce] have you to count in respect of them” [al-Ahzaab 33:49]. This aayah indicates that divorce (talaaq) can only take place after the nikaah (marriage). If a man lays down a condition that if he marries a woman he will divorce her (immediately), this is not a real divorce. If a man divorces a woman to whom he is not married, this is not a real divorce.
This also indicates that if separation occurs before the marriage has been consummated, there is no ‘iddah in this case. After the marriage has been consummated, if the woman menstruates, her ‘iddah is three complete menstrual cycles after the divorce has taken place. The apparent meaning of the aayah is that this applies no matter how long or short her menstrual cycle is. If the woman is very young or does not have periods, or if she is post-menopausal, then her ‘iddah is three months. If she is pregnant, her ‘iddah lasts until she gives birth. If it is not clear whether she is pregnant or not, if she previously menstruated and has not yet reached menopause, then she should wait for nine months to be on the safe side as far as pregnancy is concerned, then she should wait out an ‘iddah of three months.
In the case of a woman whose husband dies, if she is pregnant, her ‘iddah lasts until she gives birth. If she is not pregnant, it is four months and ten days, to be on the safe side in case she is pregnant.
The phrase “there is no sin on you for that which they do of themselves” [al-Baqarah 2:240 – interpretation of the meaning] refers to the grief felt by the woman whose husband has died. So during the period of her ‘iddah, she puts aside anything that has to do with married life, such as beautiful clothes, jewellery, perfume, kohl, henna etc., as is narrated in detail in the Sunnah.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And there is no sin on you if you make a hint of betrothal or conceal it in yourself…”
[al-Baqarah 2:235]. The hinting to which Allaah attaches no blame is only in cases where a woman is irrevocably separated, whether by her husband’s death or a third talaaq or an annulment of the marriage. Clearly stating a marriage proposal is not permitted, but statements which may mean a marriage proposal or may mean something else are OK. But if a woman has been divorced by revocable talaaq, then it is not permissible to propose marriage to her, whether clearly or by hinting, because she still comes under the rulings of wives. This aayah also indicates that it is haraam to enter into a marriage contract with a woman who is still in her ‘iddah, because if it is haraam to propose to her, it is more so to draw up the marriage contract. If this takes place, the contract is invalid.
With regard to maintenance of the divorced woman during her ‘iddah, if it is a revocable divorce, then she is entitled to that, because Allaah described her as a wife and her husband has more right to her. She has the same rights of maintenance, clothing and accommodation as other wives.
In cases where a woman is irrevocably separated from her husband, if she is pregnant then she has the right to maintenance because of her pregnancy, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And if they are pregnant, then spend on them till they lay down their burden” [al-Talaaq 65:6]
If she is not pregnant, it is not obligatory to give her maintenance and clothing.
Maintenance of a woman who is breastfeeding is obligatory on the father of the child. If the mother is still married to the father, then the maintenance of the wife includes the maintenance for breastfeeding, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“but the father of the child shall bear the cost of the mother’s food and clothing on a reasonable basis” [al-Baqarah 2:233]
He is not obliged to provide anything else, but if she is not married to him, he has to pay her for breastfeeding, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Then if they give suck to the children for you, give them their due payment” [al-Talaaq 65:6]
And Allaah commands that
“No mother shall be treated unfairly on account of her child, nor father on account of his child” [al-Baqrah 2:233 – interpretation of the meaning].
This includes any kind of harm or unfair treatment.
The aayah (interpretation of the meaning),
“And on the (father’s) heir is incumbent the like of that (which was incumbent on the father)” [al-Baqarah 2:233] indicates that that it is an obligation for the relative of the father, who has a right to inheritance from him, to provide for the mother if necessary. The latter condition is not affected by whether or not the relative will actually inherit from the father or not due to the rules of inheritance as affected by children, etc.; it is determined only by whether or not the relative is of a relation that can inherit. If so, then they are obliged to provide for the mother, in the case the father himself cannot.
The aayah (interpretation of the meaning):
“then there is no sin on either of them if she gives back (the Mahr or a part of it) for her Al-Khul‘ (divorce)” [al-Baqarah 2:229] includes permission for khul’ when there is the fear that the spouses will not adhere to the limits set by Allaah. It is permitted whether the amount of money involved is large or small. It is a ransom, and is not a kind of talaaq (divorce), and there is no possibility of going back to the husband (it is irrevocable).
The aayah (interpretation of the meaning):
“And for divorced women, maintenance (should be provided) on reasonable (scale)” [al-Baqarah 2:241] includes all divorced women. Whoever divorces his wife (by talaaq) should maintain her as much as he can afford. This is the best kind of good treatment and noble good manners, because in such cases the woman is likely to be broken-hearted and usually has little wealth of her own. This is not obligatory except in cases where a man has divorced a woman before consummation of the marriage and has not given her the mahr.
Allaah commands the husband to either take them back on reasonable basis or set them free on reasonable basis (cf. 2:231). This is so as to avoid any bad consequences and to keep peace between the two sides and so that the in-laws may remain on friendly terms. Thus life will remain stable, free from upsets. Is there any better than this ruling for a people who believe?
The two aayahs (interpretation of the meanings):
“The mothers shall give suck to their children for two whole years’ [al-Baqarah 2:233]
and
“and the bearing of him, and the weaning of him is thirty months” [al-Ahqaaf 46:1] indicate that the shortest possible period of pregnancy is six months, because if you take away two years from thirty months, you are left with six months of pregnancy.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning);
“Those who take an oath not to have sexual relation with their wives must wait for four months, then if they return (change their idea in this period), verily, Allaah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
And if they decide upon divorce, then Allaah is All-Hearer, All-Knower” [al-Baqarah 2:226-227]
This aayah contains the ruling on al-‘Eelaa’, which is an oath sworn by the husband never to have intercourse with his wife again, or not to do so for a period that exceeds four months. If the wife demands her right to intercourse, and he refrains because of his vow, she should set him a time limit of four months. Then he should either have intercourse with her and offer expiation for his vow, or he should divorce her. It is understood from the meaning of the aayah that if the husband refrains from doing his marital duty in bed, or intercourse, or (his duties of) maintaining, clothing, providing accommodation, etc., with no excuse for failing to do it, and his wife insists on this right, then she has the right to have the marriage annulled.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning]:
“And for those who accuse their wives, but have no witnesses except themselves, let the testimony of one of them be four testimonies (i.e. testifies four times) by Allaah that he is one of those who speak the truth.
And the fifth (testimony should be) the invoking of the Curse of Allaah on him if he be of those who tell a lie (against her).
But it shall avert the punishment (of stoning to death) from her, if she bears witness four times by Allaah, that he (her husband) is telling a lie.
And the fifth (testimony) should be that the Wrath of Allaah be upon her if he (her husband) speaks the truth
[al-Noor 24:6-9]
Allaah states that whoever accuses anyone else of zinaa is subject to the punishment for slander, which is eighty lashes, if he does not produce four witnesses. But He makes an exception in the case of the man who accuses his wife of zinaa and she denies it. In this case he has to bear testimony four times that he is telling the truth in what he is accusing her of, and when he bears testimony for the fifth time, he must invoke the curse of Allaah upon himself if he is lying. Then she responds by bearing testimony four times by Allaah that he is lying in his accusation against her, and when she bears testimony for the fifth time, she must invoke the wrath of Allaah upon herself if he is telling the truth. When this li’aan between them has been completed, he is no longer subject to the punishment for slander, and she is no longer subject to the punishment for zinaa or to detention. By virtue of this li’aan, any child involved does not belong to the husband, and the couple is forever separated.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Indeed Allaah has heard the statement of her (Khawlah bint Tha‘labah) that disputes with you (O Muhammad) concerning her husband (Aws bin AsSaamit), and complains to Allaah. And Allaah hears the argument between you both. Verily, Allaah is AllHearer, AllSeer.
Those among you who make their wives unlawful to them by Zihaar (i.e., by saying to them “You are like my mother’s back,”) they cannot be their mothers. None can be their mothers except those who gave them birth. And verily, they utter an ill word and a lie. And verily, Allaah is OftPardoning, OftForgiving.
And those who make unlawful to them (their wives) by Zihaar and wish to free themselves from what they uttered, (the penalty) in that case is the freeing of a slave before they touch each other. That is an admonition to you (so that you may not repeat such an ill thing). And Allaah is AllAware of what you do.
And he who finds not (the money for freeing a slave) must fast two successive months before they both touch each other. And he who is unable to do so, should feed sixty Masaakeen (poor). That is in order that you may have perfect faith in Allaah and His Messenger. These are the limits set by Allaah. And for disbelievers, there is a painful torment.”
[al-Mujaadilah 58:1-4]
Here Allaah mentions the ruling on al-zihaar, and states that it is evil and false speech. If the husband wants to resume having intercourse with his wife after forbidding it for himself in a clear statement or by saying that she is to him like the back of his mother, he has to free a believing slave before they can have intercourse again. If he cannot do that, then he has to fast for two consecutive months before they can have intercourse again. If he is not able to do that then he has to feed sixty poor persons.
Fath al-Raheem al-Malik al-‘Allaam fi ‘Ilm al-‘Aqaa’id wa’l-Tawheed wa’l-Akhlaaq wa’l-Ahkaam al-Mustanbatah min al-Qur’aan by Shaykh ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn Naasir al-Sa’di, p. 147
Wow! is great but is too lenghthy,please if u can divide it into segments.jazakallahu khairan.
Actually I symphatize with you. Your story really touched me. That not withstanding divorce is never the best option. Two wrongs can never make a right. What you need is prayers and surely God in His infinite mercy will see you through(in-sha-Allah).
I believe what you are going through is a trying period. We all experience such moments maybe in different ways.
If I may recall I had bitter experinces that made me detest marriage initially. Twice I was disappointed at the last moment. And I prayed to God over it,and life goes on. I met my angel and we are now married I love her more each and everyday. That is the power of prayers.
Lest I forget the two girls that disappointed me are still single and searching. God really work miraculously. I believe prayers can move a mountain. Allah subhanahu wataala enjoin us to turn to him when we are in need. You need Him now,pray and things will change for the better.
In-sha-Allah we will help you pray. Please I beg all muslims to help our sister pray for her marriage to work. Never opt for divorce,it is a way out for loosers. I don't think you are a looser.
I pray Allah to guide us in all our undertakings amen.
Always recite Subhanallahi Wabihamdihi 100x after subhi and asr prayer Allah will see you through your hardship.
Also don't forget to always have good intentions in your mind. Never cheat anyone.
May Allah see you through Amen.