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Hi everyone.
Not 2 waist ur time, I just wanted 2 ask & perphaps 2 know how u go about most difficult held conversation without the second party feelin hurt!

Ok my freind asked if she cud die her hair & I told her dat Islam permits a person 2 die his/her hair aslong as its not black. She got her hair dyed in beige stricks wit a touch of PINK & styled it. She came home & asked me wat I taut about it...............(I simply replied that it didnt look nice at all) I didnt know where I went wrong she refused tlkin 2 me 4 3days. Am very unfront & straight, wen ppl want my view on a thing I say it point blank but even wen dey demselve know dat am sayin d truth dey still feel upset. Of recent I came 2beleive dat truth hurts (she laffs)

A cousin asked me of how she cud end her relationship wit a guy she neva liked but due 2 pity of how he was fallin head ova heels 4 her she went wit his flow. Even though I hardly like gettin in 2 dis kinda discussions, I told her 2 simply tell him 2 meet her up & tell him she aint interested anymore & am sure a man of worth is neva afraid 2 let go & he will accept it & move on. She said I had no heart of pity @ all, infact it turned out in2  huge argument wit d guy. But I taut she wanted d dude outta her life! Besides why is it hard 4 d guy 2 accept wat she decides & move on. So wats d best way 2 sweep dude/gul off ur shouldaz witout him/her feelin hurt?

I also witnessed where someone was tryin 2 convince another gul not 2 marry d guy she intended 2 cus he was d definition of a freak & she said her freind was juss jelous!

My lil nephew drew a pic of sum cartoony stuff & asked 4 my opinion. I creditedddddddd d drawin sayin it was absolutely perfect (as if) but added sumthin like "sweetie mayb if u make d eye smaller & paint d gul in pink it will me a gorgeous paintin. She went off 2 her mum cryin sayin I made it sound as if she drew a monster (I was totally gob smacked). She wanted my opinion I gave it 2 her.

A freind once confronted me yrs bck......2 inform me of something big, d fear d emotion, d uneasiness was written all ova d persons face. It took d person almost an hr 2 inform me dat someone dear 2 me passed away d night b/4. Since dat day I formed dis kinda of hatred 2wards d person who informed me about d death. I didnt even like 2 c site of d person not even his voice because it suddenly puts me in a state of shock & fear. It took me days 2 accept d truth. D person I hated wit a passion told me dat informin me about d death of d deceased was d most DIFFICULT thing dat he eva had 2 go thru 2 utter!

U wan2 tell ur granny dat wat she wants aint wat u want , so how u gonna tell her witout her thinkin................children of nowadays r so bloody unfront?

Typical xmaple. (Hafsy) sewed me a hausa dress.........d material was beautiful & all. She sent it 2 me & afta a couple of days rang 2 ask me if I liked it, I said I did like d material but I wasnt feelin 2 style. D dress was 2 tight, one can hardly breath in it & d skirt was 2 cut up & tight. Hafsy refused 2 ansa my fone calls 4 like 3wks!

Now u wan2 tell ur freind dat she shud stop duin wat u think is bad......no matta wat u tell her, even if its in a nicest way eva, her face reaction will give u dat "who do u think u r 2 tell me wats ryt"

A gul or a guy wan2 know things bout u. But u feel like u dnt like ppl gettin up close & personal wit u. U feel that wat remains ur business shud remain ur sole business. Wat concerns u, concerns u alone. So u tell him/her dat u wish not 2 tell dem nothing bout u. D second party gets totally upset! I taut one has a right 2 privacy & a right 2 hav his or her things left personal no matta wat!

U hav dis gul or guy in ur class & dey hav dis BADDDDDD SMELL. Mayb dey dnt wash up or brush........or ur boyfreind/gulfreind stinks how can u tell dem 2 wash up?

So hav u eva had a difficult conversations, tryin to convince someone of something, knowing that it will hurt? How do u go about it? Or wat was d best way 2 deal wit d scenarios I gave?

several scenarios , different responses. Thers nothing wrong with a little white lie, like telling the kid her painting is lovely. As for breaking bad news somebody has to do it and delaying it just makes things worse.
The best way to end a dead end r/ship is a straightforward clean break. Sometimes guys understand. In fact it,s girls that usually take it badly and come up with all sorts.

Talking about a difficult conversation i have always wondered how husbands manage to tell their wives they're marrying a second.I have heard all sorts of crazy antics by scared to death husbands going round in circles. Can you believe some don't even bother and leave it to the wife to find out one way or the other. Soe rely on friends to break the news at the last possible minit. Some send the wife on holiday, get married and wait for all hell to beak loose on her return.
What do you girls think is the best approach seeing as youre on the proverbial receiving end?

I am a strong advocate for 'straight talk' :wink: - no beating around the bush and no lies, just the honest truth. Sometimes the truth hurts but that doesnt mean we should tell lies instead... of course u can be diplomatic- for example rather than tellin someone that their hair doesnt look nice at all u could tell her that u would have preferred it another way... in fact i think most people may be hurt by the truth but they will still appreciate ur honesty and will most likely come back to seek ur counsel if they find themselves in a similar situation where they need an honest opinion... however it depends on the language u use when u deliver the message!!! so be careful.  

Most of the time when u find urself in a situation where u have to express an opinion- just imagine that u were in the other persons shoe's. or  u could also make it look like it is a problem that u urself have had...

i think the skill of handling difficult situations is something we learn and not something we are born with. there is a lot of literature on the art of negotiation on the web and elsewhere. might be helpful.


as for kitkat- i would like to imagine that u r a one woman man and that u r not pickin other peoples brains for tactics to employ????? :wink:  
anyway i think the best way to go about it is to be honest.... if i were the wife, i would rather hear it from the horse's mouth, and i would rather hear the real reasons and the honest truth despite the pain and hurt that might cause.

I,m all for being straight forward. It makes life easier for everyone.
As for being a one woman man you,re right. A true soul mate even if I have to say so myself, but never say never is the name of the game, Do you know the ratio of men to women in this country now? where would all the girls be if all of us decided to take the one woman route.
One has to put the interest of our society b4 any romantic considerations.

Think of your poor unmarried  sisters out there.

This is a very good post and honestly I would also wanna how ppl t'work out.

Kitkat and straighttalking I agree with what you both are saying But the way I feel it is the more close you are to someone the more open minded you will be in your way of breaking any sort of news. Also the more closer you are to a person the more that person understands you and would be able to take a word outta yah mouth. But news death are always the hardest to say. I cant see myself breaking a news death! very shocking.

As ummita gave the background with her freind dying her hair. If meh and my freind really click and we really tight and we deeply freind gaskiya I wont be courtecious. I will tell her straight. "Girlfreind that hairsytle doesnt suit you at all". If it is someone that am not close to I would go with "girl that hair colour does not suit your personality it doesnt show off you beautiful face, it doesnt do you justice and maybe if you dye it in hazel and brown you will look trendy and pretty". That way I have boost her ego, you know manipulated her a little making her feel like "Halle Berri" made her comfy and convinced her without really coming out direct and making her feel upset. But as I said if it was someone like a sister or a cousin boi am giving them my peace of my mind. Id go "Your hair is wack get it toned"!!!

I dont know how comes alot of ppl have smelly collegues in their classes. We also had one. But honestly its nothing to do with mockery. The guy is cute at face has a good personality very brilliant but God he smells awful. He stinks like a mucky moose & jelly fish. A lot of girls liked the guy for his looks and kindess but anytime he passes by you will think you loosing your nose. So we taught how could we tell him. Dude you stink? We taught about writing a letter but taught he will be self concious & feel bad. We taught about telling him face to face but anytime we apporach him we seem to make a u-turn (no nerves). A freind said "action speaks louder than voice" so what if anytime he approaches us lets start sniffing and using a tissue or hanky to block off our nose. I taught that was so barbaric & rude. So plan "C" was crossed out. Finally we came up wit an Idea his birthday was coming in a week or so because he informed everyone. We purchased a big Soap bar, a beautiful sponge bath foam, a small Gucci colonge (one we could afford) and a funny birthday card that when you open it begins to sing *wash me clean, wash me clean  tralala lalalah, soap me clean, soap me clean & make me smell gooood* We we so glad to get that card it was just what we needed!! We wrapped it up & on his day we gave it to him. He was happy though we could see a lil distate. So he said to us I know what you guys are on about and have infact made the nicest way to let me know. He said kuyi hakuri dani, he said he had artherities which makes the bones swell & causes pain & that he was working on a treatement. GOSH THE SHAME ON OUR FACES. We taught Allah idan yaga dama he can put us through that but then again we didnt know! So sometimes its better to keepppppppppp shut!!! For the guy now he smells real good & his chemotheraphy treatment is over and he is dating a cute chika. Now when he comes around you will think the whole Gucci perfume factory is next to you.

But mostly to speak up is the best but its the talking that the difficult conversation because you dont wanna hurt someone

Quote from: "kitkat"I,m all for being straight forward. It makes life easier for everyone.
As for being a one woman man you,re right. A true soul mate even if I have to say so myself, but never say never is the name of the game, Do you know the ratio of men to women in this country now? where would all the girls be if all of us decided to take the one woman route.
One has to put the interest of our society b4 any romantic considerations.

Think of your poor unmarried  sisters out there.

LOL LOL very funny!!! u really expect me to believe that y'all do it for genuine humanitarian concerns??!!! please stop teasing!

Why Why Why do ladies always react with disbelief to this line of reasoning. I cant say i speak for all monogamites on the underlying reasons behind there taking the plunge again and again, but I can tell you theres a whole different outlook to the issue nowadays. I,ts true a lot of guys are taking in extra wives for compassionate and moral reasons. With all thats happening out there its a civic duty. And guess what? Some broad minded women not only understand but actually encourage their husbands(dont laugh) to please please please contribute to a worthy cause by bringing in a mate. ( i,ts all the Islamiyya influence .Allah ya saka musu da Alheri)

ikon Allah, kai amma ka bani dariya...lol lol lol...  har ma bani da abin ce wa... toh Allah ya saka musu da alheri din!

Quote from: "Anonymous"ikon Allah, kai amma ka bani dariya...lol lol lol...  har ma bani da abin ce wa... toh Allah ya saka musu da alheri din!

that was me. still shocked!!

Being straight forward is the best thing a person could be!
yes no wahala just say your sincere opinion but if saying that opinion will hurt your bro then just keep quite, but dont lie to make someone happy...u hear...the bottom line is dont ever lie about what yyou feel!!!!! :!:  :!:

For example...when u re in a relationship, it is not possible to hold back if you feel you aint going any further again! the more you hold back the more it is likely to hurt the two of you...aint it better one should get hurt than two....another rule...always choose the lesser devil...if it is devil at all!! :!:  :!:

Imagine a short message sent to me by a friend almost 2 years ago when a girlfriend of mine had a fatal car accident. That very day around 9.00pm I recieve a text from him reading..'I am sorry to inform u Hajara died few hrs ago in an accident. meet u 2moro morn @ d funeral.' I felt it cos I knew she was coming back from Kaduna to Kano then. I immediately called him to confirm and then cld'nt sleep anymore!
I would have been more shocked if I discover her death after the funeral...which I must find out sooner or later...then why not soonest!!!

he said he did that so that I feel what they did anytime *I tell them the 'TRUTH'. But honestly I was happy he was coming up at last!

LEARN TO BREAK THE NEWS...like CNN!!! :D  :D  :D

Technically speaking, sometimes having a little courtesy when trying to have a difficult conversation does help. But other times its not right to say things out pop and clear. Well like ummita said, I got her a material three pipul were after and willing to pay more just to have it. I had to pay extra, took it to the tailors who was going off for Sunday service I gave him a tip the dress was ready in two days. I gave the driver to deliver it her & I had to kiss up & suck up all the attitude he was giving me. I rang days later happy to ask if she liked it. All she said was the material is gorgeous but "I DONT LIKE THE SEWING" I would not directly tell someone that! I mean whats up with that? I went all through that and this is what I got! Though she tried making me understand but I was too upset to understand her point even though it made sense & I refused to accept it. So yes sometimes its hard to accept things. Anway as for her I told her off big time. Harsh words she got. Didnt yah? (hehehe)

But I think if people where very confrontational, open and direct things would be far more better. Communication and iterraction will be greatl. If girls were open there wont be too much gossiping. I mean "look Aisha in her eyes and tell her what you dont like about her". Tell a guy who has just asked for your number that "look I appreciate it you liking me but honestly am not interested" instead of whining up a guy, making him think you like him, waisting his time rendering the situation more difficult when you deicide to tell the guy that after he is all inlove. Why not tell him right there and then. Men! you are getting second wives, why wont they approach their first wives & look them in the eyes and tell them. Pop and clear. Let her deal with it! There no point hearing it from someone. It will be a hard blow shot when she finds out elsewhere. You cheated on your guy and want to come clean, dont run round the bush, tell him straightlyyyyyy if you really feel sorry about what you did. Honestly only if people would be straight & open there will be better understanding amongst each other. But somethings gaskiya its difficult for people to understand. No matter how you best put it and how sorry you feel telling them what you really think, others dont understand especially amongst black people.
We just gotta learn how to be speak openly, kindheartedly passing your exact words no lying and being rationale about it

Quote from: "kitkat"Some broad minded women not only understand but actually encourage their husbands(dont laugh) to please please please contribute to a worthy cause by bringing in a mate. ( i,ts all the Islamiyya influence .Allah ya saka musu da Alheri)

@ Kitkat, you are so right. Yes there are women who encourage their men to bring get second wives. I mean its perfectly alright. Religion promotes men 2 marry up to 4 wives aslong as they will show equality. I hav no objection watsoeva if it will happen that a man brings in another & another & another wife makin a total of four wives, no problem @ all. As long as there will be equality, self respect & care. However, hardly men of nowadays do that. Its hard to find a house that the wives will tell you that the hubby show d same level of equality. And if am not mistaken I think wat straighttalkin was trying to point out is that men of these days do not actually break the news of dem jumpin the broom but is left for the wife to find out from other sources. And that is so not nice. I mean where is the love, unity, trust dat a man owes to his wife that he cnt break the news to her himself?
@ Straighttalking, really some of them are getting second wives for genuine, humaritarian & due to religious reasons BUT (a big stess to my BUT) Alot of them marry & marry & marry but it will turn out that they cant do equal justice. Apart from that why cant they "men" confront their wives openly, straight forward & tell them they gettin dem new mates or wat r dey scared or they dont wanna hurt another persons feelins but wat ever the case they will still do it?!!

Quote from: "ummita"

Quote from: "kitkat"Some broad minded women not only understand but actually encourage their husbands(dont laugh) to please please please contribute to a worthy cause by bringing in a mate. ( i,ts all the Islamiyya influence .Allah ya saka musu da Alheri)

[color=blueI think wat straighttalkin was trying to point out is that men of these days do not actually break the news of dem jumpin the broom but is left for the wife to find out from other sources. And that is so not nice. I mean where is the love, unity, trust dat a man owes to his wife that he cnt break the news to her himself? Apart from that why cant they "men" confront their wives openly, straight forward & tell them they gettin dem new mates! [/color]

Malama ummita, if you want to see the demonic side of an angelic wife a man marries just wait till he breaks the news of him getting married again. All of you are talking about straight confrontations. Couple of years back a freind of mine maried a second wife she nearly killed my freind with hot water saboda tsaban kishi! Sannan kuna maganar a fito a gaya ma mata. Malama straighttalking for instance, are you sure you will take it well indan ya zamanto mijinki zai yi sabon aure yazo direct ya gayamiki? Allah yasa ba zaki bishi da tabarya ba. Ai tsiyan mata, they sometimes are weak and cant control their emotions. They get so weak at knees. Nidai ba fata nakemuku amman bari lokutanku ya zo kwa gaya ma aya zakinta.

I want to make an observation.Ummita, it seems like you have the belief that breakin up with someone you love is easy........im sorry sis but maybe you have never fallen in love(i mean real love).It's a disease u know.It's not easy at all(breaking up).It can be the hardest thing a couple can do.
I think it is a very bad idea for you to tell anyone to break up a love r/ship
.The guy/girl can hate you for the rest of your life.
To be on the safe side,avoid talking too much on one's love r/ship no matter how close you are with a person...cos it's a very sensitive issue.

Assalamu alaikum,
I think Men should duly inform their wife(ves) whenever they are marrying another woman.

A friend told me his experience. When he went about taking a second wife he discussed three options with the wife (Uwargida), and the wife selected one and backed her selection with a sound and convincing reason.

Each time he is going for 'tadi' his first wife will send  some present to the lady and when eventually Amarya came home they have been living happily. Both the husby and second wife hold the first wife in high regards. Allah (SWT) ya basu zama lafiya kuma Ya albarka auren nasu-amiyn.

Quote from: "EMTL"Assalamu alaikum,
I think Men should duly inform their wife(ves) whenever they are marrying another woman.

A friend told me his experience. When he went about taking a second wife he discussed three options with the wife (Uwargida), and the wife selected one and backed her selection with a sound and convincing reason.

Each time he is going for 'tadi' his first wife will send  some presnt to the lady and when eventually Amarya came home they have been living happily. Both the husby and second wife hold the first wife in high regards. Allah (SWT) ya bazu zama lafiya kuma Ya albarka auren nasu.

Alhamdulillahi I think being honest is the way forward. whether the wife handles it the way this woman here did or not... it is a mark of respect to be truthful to your wife.... and any sensible woman will appreciate her man's honesty and not beat him up for it.... otherwise she will never hear the truth again.

Quote from: "Guest3"

Quote from: "ummita"

Quote from: "kitkat"Some broad minded women not only understand but actually encourage their husbands(dont laugh) to please please please contribute to a worthy cause by bringing in a mate. ( i,ts all the Islamiyya influence .Allah ya saka musu da Alheri)

[color=blueI think wat straighttalkin was trying to point out is that men of these days do not actually break the news of dem jumpin the broom but is left for the wife to find out from other sources. And that is so not nice. I mean where is the love, unity, trust dat a man owes to his wife that he cnt break the news to her himself? Apart from that why cant they "men" confront their wives openly, straight forward & tell them they gettin dem new mates! [/color]

Malama ummita, if you want to see the demonic side of an angelic wife a man marries just wait till he breaks the news of him getting married again. All of you are talking about straight confrontations. Couple of years back a freind of mine maried a second wife she nearly killed my freind with hot water saboda tsaban kishi! Sannan kuna maganar a fito a gaya ma mata. Malama straighttalking for instance, are you sure you will take it well indan ya zamanto mijinki zai yi sabon aure yazo direct ya gayamiki? Allah yasa ba zaki bishi da tabarya ba. Ai tsiyan mata, they sometimes are weak and cant control their emotions. They get so weak at knees. Nidai ba fata nakemuku amman bari lokutanku ya zo kwa gaya ma aya zakinta.

Yes guest. i am certain that i would rather hear the truth. ba zan bishi da tabarya ba. even if i react horribly in the beginning the little voice in my head will be telling me.... 'but at least he was man enough to tell me before hand'.....

To madalla yan mata. Ummita kema Allah ya saka miki da alheri. Never thought i would see this line of reasoning accepted by the modern day ladies of this forum. Where theres life theres hope.
So there you have it. The argument seems to be in favour of just hitting the nail on the head and telling uwargida to prepare herself for the sharing game, despite the obvious health implications of this approach due to the unpredictable nature of our womenfolk. Remember a woman scorned.....

But on a serious note there is a good case for responsible polygamy in our present society even if the women are bound to take our reasons with a pinch of salt. I mean wont you rather have a 1 co partner at home than several girlfriends outside?

Straighttalkin ba za ki bi shi da tabarya ba? et tu!!!

No matter what is said in a conversation, one should be right while the other is wrong!

The good thing about conversations is that @ the end ofit, the outcome should be a correct answer from either of the ppl involved.

The best conversation is that of religion! a hadith i learned sometime ago, but cant find any of its source.

Quote from: "ummita"Hi everyone.
Not 2 waist ur time, I just wanted 2 ask & perphaps 2 know how u go about most difficult held conversation without the second party feelin hurt!

Ok my freind asked if she cud die her hair & I told her dat Islam permits a person 2 die his/her hair aslong as its not black. She got her hair dyed in beige stricks wit a touch of PINK & styled it. She came home & asked me wat I taut about it...............(I simply replied that it didnt look nice at all) I didnt know where I went wrong she refused tlkin 2 me 4 3days. Am very unfront & straight, wen ppl want my view on a thing I say it point blank but even wen dey demselve know dat am sayin d truth dey still feel upset. Of recent I came 2beleive dat truth hurts (she laffs)

A cousin asked me of how she cud end her relationship wit a guy she neva liked but due 2 pity of how he was fallin head ova heels 4 her she went wit his flow. Even though I hardly like gettin in 2 dis kinda discussions, I told her 2 simply tell him 2 meet her up & tell him she aint interested anymore & am sure a man of worth is neva afraid 2 let go & he will accept it & move on. She said I had no heart of pity @ all, infact it turned out in2  huge argument wit d guy. But I taut she wanted d dude outta her life! Besides why is it hard 4 d guy 2 accept wat she decides & move on. So wats d best way 2 sweep dude/gul off ur shouldaz witout him/her feelin hurt?

I also witnessed where someone was tryin 2 convince another gul not 2 marry d guy she intended 2 cus he was d definition of a freak & she said her freind was juss jelous!

My lil nephew drew a pic of sum cartoony stuff & asked 4 my opinion. I creditedddddddd d drawin sayin it was absolutely perfect (as if) but added sumthin like "sweetie mayb if u make d eye smaller & paint d gul in pink it will me a gorgeous paintin. She went off 2 her mum cryin sayin I made it sound as if she drew a monster (I was totally gob smacked). She wanted my opinion I gave it 2 her.

A freind once confronted me yrs bck......2 inform me of something big, d fear d emotion, d uneasiness was written all ova d persons face. It took d person almost an hr 2 inform me dat someone dear 2 me passed away d night b/4. Since dat day I formed dis kinda of hatred 2wards d person who informed me about d death. I didnt even like 2 c site of d person not even his voice because it suddenly puts me in a state of shock & fear. It took me days 2 accept d truth. D person I hated wit a passion told me dat informin me about d death of d deceased was d most DIFFICULT thing dat he eva had 2 go thru 2 utter!

U wan2 tell ur granny dat wat she wants aint wat u want , so how u gonna tell her witout her thinkin................children of nowadays r so bloody unfront?

Typical xmaple. (Hafsy) sewed me a hausa dress.........d material was beautiful & all. She sent it 2 me & afta a couple of days rang 2 ask me if I liked it, I said I did like d material but I wasnt feelin 2 style. D dress was 2 tight, one can hardly breath in it & d skirt was 2 cut up & tight. Hafsy refused 2 ansa my fone calls 4 like 3wks!

Now u wan2 tell ur freind dat she shud stop duin wat u think is bad......no matta wat u tell her, even if its in a nicest way eva, her face reaction will give u dat "who do u think u r 2 tell me wats ryt"

A gul or a guy wan2 know things bout u. But u feel like u dnt like ppl gettin up close & personal wit u. U feel that wat remains ur business shud remain ur sole business. Wat concerns u, concerns u alone. So u tell him/her dat u wish not 2 tell dem nothing bout u. D second party gets totally upset! I taut one has a right 2 privacy & a right 2 hav his or her things left personal no matta wat!

U hav dis gul or guy in ur class & dey hav dis BADDDDDD SMELL. Mayb dey dnt wash up or brush........or ur boyfreind/gulfreind stinks how can u tell dem 2 wash up?

So hav u eva had a difficult conversations, tryin to convince someone of something, knowing that it will hurt? How do u go about it? Or wat was d best way 2 deal wit d scenarios I gave?

Ride on Baby. You are right on track. Tell people the truth about themselves. They either take it or leave it.

Quote from: "gogannaka"I want to make an observation.Ummita, it seems like you have the belief that breakin up with someone you love is easy........im sorry sis but maybe you have never fallen in love(i mean real love).It's a disease u know.It's not easy at all(breaking up).It can be the hardest thing a couple can do.
I think it is a very bad idea for you to tell anyone to break up a love r/ship
.The guy/girl can hate you for the rest of your life.
To be on the safe side,avoid talking too much on one's love r/ship no matter how close you are with a person...cos it's a very sensitive issue.

Gogannaka r u sure u didnt brush read thru wat I wrote?  Well as I said discussing relationships aint mah feild. So mayb I shudnt tell her 2 tell her boo despite all d facts. She asked for mah opinion I gave it 2 her. Ok lemme put it dis way. Gogannaka u lyk mah cousin so much. U pay her visit 3,4 tyms a day. Fone calls........mhmmm too much I say, u know.....ok deep within it u2 lavish her wit all she wants...she approaches meh 2 tell meh dat she doesnt really like u, infact she neva liked u but d reasons shes still wit u is because she feels sorry d way u luv her & she dusnt luv u bck & dats d only sole reason that shes wit u!!! So ha'z it gonna b? C'mmon u d only playa in d game lurvvvvvvv. Point to note dey r not couples, dey juss courtin. So wats hard in here ehn? Breaking up? :?  So d best thing is 2 tell her that she shud tell her boo d truth. This r mah reasons as follows:
1. She shud stop givin him false alibi
2. She shud stop waistin his tym, let him move on wit his life
3. She shud stop giving him d impression she likes him
4. She makes him look like a fool when he is only inluv
5. It is not gud @ all 2 treat ppl dat way.
6. I luv mah cousin & if shes not gonna b happy wit dis guy &she knows she dnt like him den she has a right 2 move on  & d guy has a right 2 stop being fooled so dat he can move on as well.

Thats why some hausa men get two timed 2 much.......dey hate 2 accept d word "break up & move on" & dey end up heart broken. Gogannaka stay there & say its a disease...dnt do the ryt thing wen things go wrong. No worry ...........stay there!!!!..........(she laffs)

Thanx for the correction.
I still think you should'nt always say your mind on issues such
as peoples love relationships.Its too personal.

salam... ummıta... sumthın ı learnt a looong tıme ago....the 'zaman' has changed so much.....we r ın thıs zaman that NOBODY wants to hear the truth..... so just tell them what they wanna know ıf u want to avoıd people thınkıng that u r a playa-hater..... thats why when anyone asks for my opınıon, ı answer them wıth 'what do u thınk bout ıt? ıf u feel comfortable lıke thıs then do ur thang!' ..........

oh well.......
peace

Fulanizzle,
The more things change the more they stay the same. Of course the society has changed and people hate to hear the truth, but the solution is not to join the bandwagon. Actually in todays cynical word the truth is so rare that it stands out like a gem and you will be suprised at the no. of people just wanting to hear it like it is.
I like truth because it,s so easy on my mind. You tell it on monday and you can tell it again on friday without wracking your brains. Heck you say it  in January you can say it gain in December. No hassles.
Plus people know when youre lying anyway, they just like to hear it.

SALAM...SEE PEEPS LIKE U R RARE  N VERY KOOL...

SEE I DONT HAVE TO LIE TO THEM ...THATS WHY I  TELL THEM TO DO WHAT THEY WANT.... I ANSWER THEIR QUESTIONS WITH MY QUESTION...  KI GANE? SOOOO THERES NO NEED FOR ME TO LIE.....:-)

SEE PEEPS LIKE U...I CAN ANSWER UR QUESTIONS WITH MY OPINON..COZ U ACCEPT THE TRUTH....UNLIKE 90% OF THE PEEPS....

SALAM

It can be good if we can all be sincere. But I say we should not always aspire to be. I believe we all understand English enough to differentiate between sincerity and truthfulness. When I say my sincere opinion, I mean just what I think. What is in my mind!

But when I say I am truthful. It means I am fair. Struggling to be just. and this is what we should all aspire to achieve in our interactions with others. Let's always try to say what is important only.

A friend once showed me the picture of his fiance (or is it fiancee)? and  waited in expectation to hear my comments on her; whether she is beautiful or not. I refused to comment! to give my "sincere" opinion. Why? I chose to be truthful. And being truthful here demands that I must come to terms with the reality that  my "sincere" opinion  is not important and cannot in anyway benefit anybody. When he insisted in hearing my view I told him that I personally do not consider it morally equivalent to comment on my friend's wife.

Here again, Ummita told Hafsy that the dress she got for her was good but only that some aspect of it was not good.

This is (my apology Ummita) of course not right in anyway. She should not have been sincere. She should have been truthful, and the truth is: Hafsy so much like her that she could pass thru all the troubles of getting the material for her which is an indispensable action and show of committment to the cause of their friendship;

Part of the truth also is whenever someone extends their kind hands to you they expect appreciation and the best way to live always is to learn to appriciate for atleast it gives food to the soul of the reciopient of your appreciation. Be always on the thanking side for the Prophet says: he who do not thank ppl for what they do to him he will not thank God;


Also Part of the truth is when we realise that saying there is something wrong about the dress is not in any way IMPORTANT at the point of that interaction. Because it will not change anything, unless if it was meant to be a subtle suggestion that will make Hafsy get a better one. You can see it is not important.

In my opinion generally. People should not speak only but when it is necessary. Let them say what is important also only .

We have to understand that there is nothing that HURTS more than words. People can go to every extent, threading the emotional pathways, on the account of what they hear. Words are the worst of weapons of mass destruction. WATCH your words!

For those of you who want to try this should begin by telling their boyfriends and girlfriends "Hey gelle I know it is my money  you want!!!!!", "Hey guy, I know you are together with me only because I am intelligent and beautiful and nothing more!!!!!".

It is then you would come to terms with the reality of what I am saying.

But for the mean time. I say to you what Allah says to the Prophet of Islam: Wa Kulli Ibadiy Yakulil Latiy Hiya Ahsan  , meaning,

"Say unto my servants to say the best(that will mend them together) when it comes to SPEECH"

So lets not be sincere but rather realistic and truthful, we should say only what is important, that we may safeguard our union.

I remain must grateful,

I ask for your forgiveness.

actually,i,ve got nuttin 2 say 2 dis piece

Waziri, thats really deep man. Nothing like a touch of religion to drive home the point.

Quote from: "Fulanizzle"thats why when anyone asks for my opınıon, ı answer them wıth 'what do u thınk bout ıt? ıf u feel comfortable lıke thıs then do ur thang!' ..........

peace

Mah dear, 2 tell u d holy truth.................D lass tym I used dat ansa question wit question style..........I juss heard mah granny was callin on weddin!!! Dat "What do u think" is a yes 2 mah granny.........mhmmm

Ummita aka Beeheeve..........no worry about di dress me & u na inseperabu. Anyway di kine love wey you dey show me pass enitin jare. Infact I tell di tailor make ehn sew betta style I didnt know he sewed something that was close to advertising man pikin legs lol.

Mhmmmm my own is that grandparents dont understand at all! I dont know whether I fit blame their age? Yup its hard to tell grand parents that you aint ready to settle down for marriage that you still young. It makes me wonder which part of "am not ready" and "am still young" dont they understand. Your parents have never spoken about marriage to you but grand mama already don plan her own agenda. Some grand parents will let hell loose that a guy or a gul must marry and sometimes the innocent helpless guy/gurl cant find the right words to make them understand. Its difficult to convince grandparents. When I told my own oldie gramz that am too young to jump the broom. Come see wahala she just burst into tears saying I dont want her to cuddle her grand children. So her mind has already gone to grandchildren!!!!! :roll:

I think I agree very well wid waziri. Talking would be alot easier, infact almost burden less with sincerity. Yet again it depends on degree of understanding. Like a good friend of mine once said in dialogues, one should appeal to one of two things, either reasoning or emotions...every sensible human uses one of these two at a certain time in any dialogue. If one's heart is so strong and he chooses to reason, then u could reason wid him, and if its emotional, u appeal to them. But all in all, its most swift with sincerity, honesty from the mind.
    With all sincerity I love this post, one of the most meaningful on the chitchat

On my side the most difficult conversation that ended a faithful freindship with my best buddy was telling him I was dating his ex- girlfriend. My best buddy, we have been together for 6yrs. Things didnt go well for him and the girl he liked and they broke up. He met another girl, infact an saka musu ranar aure. After a year and over 6  months so so I m. et the girl in Kaduna, jokingly I told her why she lost contact with us etc. Sooner we became freinds and I always tell my buddy that we have been in contact and she sends her regards. She was more of a freind & never had I stopped for once to relly think whats going on, it was too late to retrieve my love for her & her love for me. I taught it was O'K saboda ban saba ma addinin musulunci ba, kuma it was not a forbidden sin. The girl likes me and I also do the same. But my buddy made a big deal stating that I had betrayed him. I tried to explain in the best possible way that never would I and that I was indeed a true freind in mouth words but body and soul and that I will stand till what ever goes down because he was a real buddy to me and he was such a good guy. I tried holding conversations in what I can say : the best possible way he refused. He has been keeping a grudge against me and I dont expect us as adults to do so because I believe what ever happens has been written by Allah. The only thing that I know he does is saying salamualaikum and going off. To me the mot difficult conversation is this! What I have told all of you and it still is!

Mr Guest..................I am so behind u. I just can understand why why why why why why why why cnt these hausa ppl learn & store it in d bck of their brainz dat "juss cus u broke up doesnt mean ur buddy cnt hit it off wit ur EX"

Is it a taboo? NO!
Is it a crime? NO!
Is it forbidden in Islam? Definately NOT!

Three questions above & if they all proved POSITIVE  den I c no reason why a soul sista cnt date her freinz EX or a soul brotha not datin his EX's freind. And mostly d annyoin ansa dem hausa will give u is "ai its not fair or its rashin mutunci or eatin amana"! Duh!!!  which amana did d person eat? Was it not afta he dumped or trashed or broke up wit her dat sum1 decided 2 pick up & dust d chika 4 himself, save & treasure her? :roll:

So wats d problem there........or is it ignorance?..........If a guy broke up wit his gul & his freind picks up wats d big deal there? If it doesnt work out wit u it may work out wit him & if it dusnt work out wit me it may work out wit her!! So why cnt we continue 2 b d buddies or gulfreinz dat we eva where? Why shud it b hard 2 pass on d message & 4 d other party to assimilate & digest d news? It will b anoda wahala....Infact this kinda negatively mode of behaviour is sooooooo hausawa-like! (hiss).........

As 4 Mr Guest if u give ur salaamz 2 ur freind 3 tymz & he refuses 2 ansa u hav no Zuneeb watsoeva!
Moreso, "Another mans trash is anoda mans treasure"!!!! I wish u two all d best & juss treasure a soul sista jare!

Whoa whoa whoa, hold it up right there aka: sweet pumpkin. Yes theres nothing wrong with that. Let me pose this question to you.
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF THAT YOUR "PRINCE CHARMING" :wink:  SUDDENLY BECOMES MY BOO. OR IF YOU BROKE UP WITH GBENGA AND HE PROPOSES TO MARRY ME? HOW HAPPY CAN YOU GET :!: (Dama he has been eyeing me lovingly) :lol:

@ GUEST, I ONLY HAVE THIS TO SAY. ARE YOU SURE YOU WHERE NOT SEEING THE GIRL WHILST YOUR FREIND WAS DATING HER ASWELL? THIS SUDDEN SWOP SEEMS BAFFLING! ALTHOUGH I BELIEVE IN THE MIRACLES OF ALLAH AND EVEN THOUGH LIFE IS FULL OF SUPRISES, DATING YOUR BEST FREINDS GIRL WILL OBVIOUSLY HURT YOUR BUDDY DUK DA BA SU TARE DA CHIKAH IT. THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS THAT HE WASNT "A REAL JEALOUS GUY"

wallahi an tabo ni sosai.Actually i'm glad hafsy got back to this topic cause now that i've read it i can say how i feel without giving out my identity.Anyway i am a married woman of almost ten years and we do have kids.Just last year my man was moved to another town and i couldnt follow him for some reasontill after months.then wat does he tell me?oh mah  God!!!!!!i'm sorry but i didnt want u to hear from anyone but the rumour is that i have been married for some years now.so i asked him and he said no he is not married but she's been his mistress for years and blah blah blah.wat shud i have done?
i cried my eyes and heart out.wallahi i cried more tears the pst few months than i had in ma wholelifetime and i am not so young.Yadda naga daren haka naga ranar.okay i know  guys will be saying so wat?to me it was the ultimate betrayal.I am religious and have done my utmost to be a good wife.i was working at a job and because we were trying to make ends meet ,wat with school fees and all i sacrificed my salary every single month for us to feed and etc while he used his to feed his parents and brothers .I worked hard to keep three course meals on his table,to make everything okay.
i know u are all getting bored but i am not done yet.for the whole of my marriage i was unhappy with my man.he was never at home .he will come back and eat and will leave the house after bbc hausa service nwes -9 pm kenan ,ko?And will not come back till around 1 or 2 am.and i never complained to anyone.so now tell me how do i cope and forgive?

i said i wasnt finished.my queation is how can one forget and forgive or is it forgive and forget?now i have no trust in him and to top it all my friends knew but couldnt tell me cos it would hurt,so i was running around and all were laughing or insulting me as a foolish woman.kai!!!nayi Allah ya isa har ba a magana.but i am still married.so u guys please help.

Mrs Guest, you will read my comment on your post but it might probably upset you. But as the saying goes "truth is bitter" the truth is what am about to tell you. You are married with kids. First of all your husband has no self respect for himself, for you or for the kids you had together. If he had he would have been loyal, honest and truthful. If he really loved you he wouldnt have kept a mistress and denied your rights to knowing of such thing. As a muslim brother am sure he knows the rules and regulations of adultery. To save himself of such that why marriage plays such an important role. Now, how would he feel if his children are being pointed at saying their dad has a mistress? Happy? I doubt much! If you have been a good wife with all those good qualities you mentioned of yourself what more does he want in a woman? If he wants a wife there is a way to go about it which religion does not forbid. And if he told you am sure with you good heart you wont deny him getting a second wife!
But your man has been dogging you. You cant even think of the consequences of men who dog around :? If a man is dogging: Once a dog always a dog and he cheats on you. Once a cheater always a cheater! The most important thing is if he really feel bad about what he done, nigga would have come clean! Am not a married woman not to mention starting up a family but I am "all grown up" "mentally" to say whats right or wrong, to put a wrong brother right! Woman! you have such a good heart! Supposing he came home and found you in someone's arms am sure you would be a "goner", thats how some men are. Even though now you now you are still with him despite all his bad behaviour? Woman what are you still doing there if he is not a changed man? :o  What the most difficult part: Telling him you fed up with his bad ways? Or telling him you have beena good wife and he has been a prick? :roll:  Or telling him Islam despises men of such behaviour?  ONE THING: PLEASE GET UP AND LEAVE! With four kids, honey you are still young, because life begins at fourty. It is not easy so as to say, but you got to do the right thing. Give him his children and leave. I know its not easy letting go, because those kids are a part of you but them their dad is tearing you apart! You can still love your kids but you need to be loved as well! You are not his door mat. Ke matarsa ce ta sunnah and he owes you every Shariah obligation needed from a husband on to his wife. Idan be chanza halinshi ba, Ki rinka mishi rokon Allah and if he wont change GET UP AND LEAVE! Allah zai baki mafi alkhairi

Wasu maja ehn, allah ya sawake, and they are bitterly complaining about woman, what makes some of them any better? :roll:

Quote from: "Twinkle"
Wasu maja ehn, allah ya sawake, and they are bitterly complaining about woman, what makes some of them any better? :roll:

YOU TELL'EM, GAYAMUSU DAI.

Mrs Guest, Twinkle is absolutely right. LEAVE is the only possible word. And ROKON ALLAH as Twinkle mentioned already. But you have the patience to endure all what your husband has been doing. Inda nine DUKAN TSIYA ZAN MISHI :roll: Kiyi hakuri, Inshallah God will resolve your problem, but in the time being DUKAN TSIYA ZAKIJE HAR GIDAN MISTRESS IN TASHI, KIYI MATA DUKA SHI KUMA TELL HIM YOU WILL DISGRACE HIM THREATHEN HIM SAYING YOU WILL GO TO HIS WORK PLACE AND EMBRASS HIMM, IDAN YAKI KIYI MISHI DUKA SHIMA. Man trampling on your feet and letting him off the chains that easily :roll:

Quote from: "Hafsy_Lady"

Quote from: "Twinkle"
Wasu maja ehn, allah ya sawake, and they are bitterly complaining about woman, what makes some of them any better? :roll:

YOU TELL'EM, GAYAMUSU DAI.

Mrs Guest, Twinkle is absolutely right. LEAVE is the only possible word. And ROKON ALLAH as Twinkle mentioned already. But you have the patience to endure all what your husband has been doing. Inda nine DUKAN TSIYA ZAN MISHI :roll: Kiyi hakuri, Inshallah God will resolve your problem, but in the time being DUKAN TSIYA ZAKIJE HAR GIDAN MISTRESS IN TASHI, KIYI MATA DUKA SHI KUMA TELL HIM YOU WILL DISGRACE HIM THREATHEN HIM SAYING YOU WILL GO TO HIS WORK PLACE AND EMBRASS HIMM, IDAN YAKI KIYI MISHI DUKA SHIMA. Man trampling on your feet and letting him off the chains that easily :roll:

Mrs Guest I have 2 words for you. "Get Real"!!

Kiji tsoron Allah kiji tsoron shawarar yan Destinys Child fan club.

Your husband f***ed up big time, he owned up , you rode the proverbial emotional roller coaster and now its time to face the reality of the situation and get on with your life. Your husband is probabaly wracked with guilt right now so it may be the best time to have a long serious chat, reappriase the ground rules in the house and squeeze out some concessions while youve got him over a barrel.  

Get him to commit to some time with the family etc etc. Sometimes couple slips into a false sense of well being with no "real" communication until something major like this happens. Milk the opportunity for all its worth and think of your kids and your future.

Ku kuma yan taratsi wai har da wani "leave is the only option" sai ka ce ku kuka sama mata mijin. Mrs guest life does not begin at 40 for the average woman especially with 4 kids. Its a jungle out there and thats probably how your man got into this mess in the 1st place. A man can only resisit so much temptation. And if you do decide to take your chances, guess who your compettition will be? The Twinkles and the Hafsys of this world, young, free, trim and childless and representin like theres no tommorow, with their only worries being getting the latest girl power single or maybe that darned exam that they havent read for but still want to pass. You've been down that road nearly two decades ago and the rules have changed believe me!!

Ke kuma Hafsy me cewa a yi dukan tsiya, how do you know the mistress is not of oturkpo or ijaw extraction with biceps the size of small yams? Kada a garin dealing with her a je a fada wani hali fa?  

So there you have it, forgive the poor chap and give him a chance to redeem himself. Keep an eye on him and look inwards to see if there's something you're doing or no longer doing that helped to push him over the abyss. Not that there has to be anything, like I said its a jungle out there and Wallahi duk wanda bai fada hannun yan matan yanzu ba to Allah ne kawai ya cheche shi ba dabararsa ba.

Guys may be dogging it out there but you'll agree with me that theres a whole lotta bit*h*n going on  too!!

Thank you to all of you for your advice.I am quite relieved that i was able to bare ma soul out.Kun san an ce a problem shared is a problem halved.
By the way i dont rememer having told you my age and the number of kids i have.I am just 30 this year and only two kids.so there you are .I still have youth on my side ko?
Prayers kam ina yi sosai so zan ci gaba.I am thinking of how to make my life better.By the way kitkat you man or woman?you made me really think.Am i ready 2 start all over again?Some times they say better the devil you know than the one you dont.
Thank you all of you.

I scarsely come around this chit-chat forum only for me to see these few later posts thisday. I believe some reasonable voice should be heard always around here so that a serious damage may not be incurred when a very serious issue like the complaints by guest is being treated.

I think I can speak on this kind of problem with some degree of presicion. I belong to an extented family of nothing less than 1949 people, from executives to messengers in their working places, ploiticians and business people  of all walks of life. Everybody among my family members will relate his/her problems to me without feeling he/she is speaking with a stranger. This put me in a position where I see the real things of our social life the way they are.

Kitkak has done very well in this regard and I strongly urge Madam to follow strictly the letters of  her/his advise. I really wonder what is wrong with men these days but true to God if you should just leave that man the chances are 70% percent that you would get to fall in the hands of HE who is WORST than him.

You maybe just 30 and with only 2 kids but the truth remains that after leaving that man the next man at your doorstep is that one who will marry you believing you to be a frustrated woman whom he is redeeming. Whatever the case may be you are only a second class woman who is finding a refuge in him( at least that will always remain in his mind and it signals greater danger).

Yes, tis a jungle out here as Kitkat would say. The women are just terrible. We come across them in our offices everyday. They stop us on the streets to ask for twenty naira inspite of the heart punching looks and intimidating carriage they take along with them. It really needs an extra faith pure from God of all to resist their kind offers. This is the reason why I always advice yound men to stay virgin until they marry for atleast it will make it easy for them to restrict themselves to their wives since they do not have experience anywhere.

Finally, on the good things you do to the family keep it up do not relent. It is Allah that will pay you who says good Muslims are the ones who say: "Inna Nud'imukum li wajhilllahi la nuriidu minkum jazaan wala shukura", meaning" We feed you only for God's sake, we need not reciprocation from you nor do we need you to thank us"

Also in marriage God oblige on us to be kind to one another. This does not mean we be kind only when our partners are kind to us, no we be kind and continue to be kind for it is only Allah that can pay us back for it is His commands we obey.

Finally, if a man cheats on a woman or a woman cheat on her man the truth of it all is that man or woman is commiting sin against God ne kawai not commmiting sin against his / her partner. And Allah says: "...Waqma anta Alaihim bi Nazir...", meaning, "...You are not a watcher over them..."

So stay calm and discharge your duties approprietly until God brings about the best way out for you for He promise saying : "Wallazina Jahaduuufina, Lanahdiyannahum subulana... , meaning, "Those who strive in our way, we open up pathways for them".

Madam, continue to strive in the way of Allah, Allah will surely fulfill His promise for you and for all of us who desire peace and consolation.

[/b]

Quote from: "_Waziri_"I scarsely come around this chit-chat forum only for me to see these few later posts thisday. I believe some reasonable voice should be heard always around here so that a serious damage may not be incurred when a very serious issue like the complaints by guest is being treated.

I think I can speak on this kind of problem with some degree of presicion. I belong to an extented family of nothing less than 1949 people, from executives to messengers in their working places, ploiticians and business people  of all walks of life.

[/b]

mhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Jama'a to waye voice dinshi or dinta is voice is unreasonable? Nice contribution anyway

Well, I really am not interested in pointing fingers at some posters. I am most interested in the topic and the likely action that the one seeking for the advice is likely to take after this discourse. One suprising thing is how the poster before me is not tasked for taking a position with references that are most obvious.

Anyway, I pray we are not out to get unto some people. For me, I really  am sorry, for if you find my reference to some unreasonable voice here offensive, I apologise but hope this guest to be different from the guest who asked for the counsel.

LOL @ GUEST. Allah sarki, Please leave our waziri alone. ALLAH SARKI DI BAWAN ALLAH IS APOLOGISING. What a good guy. If it was that pesky guy HE WOULDNT But the nice guy Waziri is, is already apologising for a minor thing! Please ignore the Guest, your contribution is absolutely great.

@ KITKAT Nidai I will say it again despite the way you labelled my opinion :D  "as destiny's child fan club" I will still say it again, "IF SHE CANT STAY WITH THE MAN, AND HE AINT CHANGING HIS WAY" then that communication aint gonna work. Sau nawa zata yi mishi magana? TALKING WILL NOT PUT SENSE INTO HIM. She should @L" with a capital
L-EAVE. If at all, she cant get a grip any longer. IF SHE KNOWS SHE IS BOUND TO SUFFER! Bound to slip. GOOOOOOOOOO HOMEEEEEEE Period.

Kitkat wani irin time for commitment with family, The commitment is that, instead he is using the time for committment with the mistress!!! Real communication? A man who is old to have two kids is old enough to knock some sense into himself. In the first place only a man with normal number 6 will marry and raise a family. Ko ka taba ganin mahaukaci yayi aure? Unless if he is on some sort of rehab! So if Mrs Guest's Hubby doesnt change when will he ever change? Uhmmm..... let me see, when he clicks age 90yrs? She said she got respect, love and affection for her man but that doesnt mean she should suck up his doggy ways. Excuse me.....she is a human being not a Muppet! Dont get me wrong, I said she should keep praying for his ways to change. If he doesnt what should she do? Sit at home and wait till he comes home from his stand-by mistress? Probably, the mistress also have other homelords paying her visit. And urrr.......kitkat, should I say this? There so many things referred as "communicable diseases" of different types and we all know the big "A" don't we? And ohhhhhhhh need I mention a sweet sister is at home holding his fort, loving him and caring for him and crying out her heart for him to stop acting low! Thats Mrs Guest right? And you are here saying he is maybe Guilty? Hell yah he is! If he wasnt he wont be acting that way. Because uhmmm...urrr let me see! Oh yeah! he took a young woman from her parents home, tying a knot, promising and taking an oath that he will cater, serve her right and love her. Marriage is such a big thing you know. Abu kadan mutum zai iya shiga halak and a smile on your wifes face can send you to paradise! So hanyar shiga aljanna is not only under a husband right leg. Righteous to your wife counts a great deal!!! She gave him kids and her own oath is still entwined to his, but he has entangled is part being a nuisance! Humans are meant to be patient which is a virtue, but patience also has its limits. She might have swallowed the fattest bone for too long now! And oh.... about age begining @ 40. Yes it does! A divorced woman and a young girl makes no difference to a MAN WHO KNOWS ALLAHS RULES! She can always re-marry. Isnt it men that are degrading the status of a divorced woman? Apart from that what makes her any different to me? Apart from the fact that Mrs guest is married, with two children and having marital problems and she has tried so many solutions which doesnt seem to help. Apart from that she is a woman just LIKE MEEEEEEEEE. If I also want that. I will just carry my phone and dial that number which is on fast dial (and say to him, am ready lets get married) and without hesitating he will do it, ko yau nace. Children? And if he starts acting the way Mrs Guest hubyy, does and am suffering. Thats riggggh.....he is hitting the freeway, or am packing out! I will seek guidance from the Shariah Judges, to declare the marriage annulled if I CANT COPE! So she is nothing different from me. She is a girl, a woman, a female. I am a girl, a female a woman!!! So whether ta taba aure or not, whether she has children from another marriage dont make no difference. Duk na mijin kwarai wont hesitate to marry her with her excellent behaviour if she keeps up to it. Its just the way SOME selfish men like categorising women from other women! So what makes you think she cant get a FAR, FAR, FAR, FAR, FAR, FAR more better hubby that then first one? Uhmmm......he is the only man available? Absolutely NOT! We have so many women married and out of their marital home who have good grounds for their marriages breaking up. Isnt it same category of men that look down on them? Abeg age aint nothing but a number it wont stop her getting married again.
Kitkat, nothing like girl power here, Don Allah kayi hakuri Kitkat but am turning the tables round to ask you one question. With uttermost due respect to your parents, SUPPOSINGGGG, FOR INSTANCE, MISALIIIIII (before you kill me) If your dad was treating your mum that way, and he doesnt seem to listen and mehz sure your mum has a good heart doesnt she? If your dad was treating her trash, what will you do. Just tell her to swallow, ignore, or fashy it? So she should stay up everyday still 2:00am waiting for him to come back from his mistress to have a real communication? Oh pluzeeeeeee. Am sure NOT! Am not making any accusations to you or Mrs Guest but abeg reason smo naaaa!! So what is one word you would refer to a married woman who goes to brothel or brings men not of her Muharram to her room? So she will be called a whore ko? Amman its ok for a man to do that right? OPEN YER EYER AND VISION THIS WOMANS SITUATION CLEARLY? Haba! All di intelligent sense wey you gather kitkat? T'work it up mana!
I said she should pray and if she cant handle it she can seek help from the sheiks and if it has reached a bad xtend am sure her parents will say. Ya isa irin wahalan da yar mu take sha. And His father can anull his marriage. Now will all these. Where can this poor woman seek solace? HABA! it aint fair.

Kitkat is there saying destinys child, girl power. I appreciate the fact that you have made some FANTASTIC point kitkat and I do agree with you but Mennnnnnnnn........ you have to be a woman to know a woman's pain.
Bari naje na sha ruwan sanyi. Infact am taking a break to have a kitkat :D . I be back.

SECONDED! Twinkle SHINEEEEE ON :P

You guys should note that, it also boils down to attitudes of some typical hausa men. They dont like the idea of "peace keeping talks" It just gotta be their way. Also they feel since they are the boss they dont like being advised or talked upon, especially when they are at wrong. Some Hausa Men that are so full of their selves, mhmmm. Akwai maza masu aure wanda girman kansu yayi yawa. Common to apologise for a mistake to his wife, is wahala! Talkless of him sitting down and negociating on how to substitute his unjust behaviour for a good one! (Point of notification, 'ehn get no common sense ne :roll: ? Ba zai iya ma kanshi fada ba?) Like Twinkle said: If he doest change his game, right there and then, when will he ever do so? For SOME typical hausa men, even when they are guilty, they will never confess and seek forgiveness. Infact when the woman wants to talk about that issue which is causing a threath to her matrimonial home, that is disrespect to the husband. If ya know what I mean :roll:  But I think it MIGHT help if they also seek counselling, or as Kitkat said if she holds "peace talk" with her husband.Hopefully it will walk. If not then WHAT WILL SHE DO KITKAT?  :evil:   :D  She's good to go.
As a matter of factly Kitkat, Ni I hate destiny's child on a serious level fa!

My dear Mrs Guest I will pray for you inshallah everything will work out. God is with you. BUTTTTTT (saying out loud) IF YOU STILL DONT FEEL RIGHT ABOUT YOUR MAN'S BEHAVIOUR :twisted:  YOU KNOW WHERE THE DOOR'S AT HONEY!!

Hafsy and Twinkle you guys are getting me all wrong. I'm not holding fort for Guests husband or encouraging her to resign herself to an unhappy and unworkable marriage for the rest of her life, but leaving a matrimonial home with 2 kids is not akin to leaving a boring party or a movie theatre halfway just because you don?t like the flick. Or telling your cheatin campus bobo to bugger off!!

This is serious stuff ladies, the decision to get married is one of the most important steps a person takes and it usually changes your life for the better, or sometimes for worse .If at some point in time it becomes imperative to unravel the union ( hey its supposed to be mutual after all babu dole)  then the same level of seriousness must be brought to bear on the situation. Were all saying the same thing, twinkle says ?if she can?t stay with the man and he aint changing his ways?: That?s exactly what I?m getting at but I prefer to give him a chance to repent, don?t forget even Mrs. Guest says the devil you know??

I don?t know about you guys but it takes a special kind of relationship to metamorphose into marriage, were talking serious deep rooted feelings here not a passing fancy, and any marriage that has undergone this process presupposes a great deal of love and affection between two consenting adults, so why so quick to jettison everything because of an isolated act of indiscretion.

Your ?hit the high road? attitude also exposes your apparent lack of understanding of the intricacies of marriage. In fact I strongly suspect that neither one of you has crossed the rubicon and actually felt the kind of emotional whatchamacallit that makes the average girl go YES! THIS IS HE, THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN!!( saura a cinye ni danye :lol: ).

If you did you wouldn?t be so quick to advocate the quick fix option of packing a bag and telling the kids ?tell your dad to get you a new mom, I?m off?. Intelligent sense has nothin to do with it, ba ku ji ana cewa love dont make no sense ba? talk less of marriage.

Kuma twinkle din nan I'd like to see you practice what you preach. You and a 40 year old are all women ko? That means as a God fearing young lady youd gladly settle for a 50 year old with 3 wives and 10 kids with a good head on his shoulders instead of that fly dude with the raised eye brows and slick tongue just because you think he may be prone to misbehavin?? Answer me NOW!!

Idan har mijin ya cije then by all means a separation can be arranged as a last option, otherwise ku barsu su gwada mana, haba. What if she jumps from the frying pan into the fire.

Kuma dai ku duba a hankali when its your turn. Akwai shegu . wolf in sheeps clothing prowling the arena fa! Thats why i said in another thread that u should get to know your partner in a "real" sense not courtship mode quintessential behaviour knowledge. We pretend too much and after the marriage a sense of accomplishment takes over and you wake up next to a stranger, Allah ya kiyaye.

Hey have u heard the new Destinys child single "hold my breath? :lol:  :o

hehehehe...Kitkat, i think da new DC single is "Lose ur breath" it's nice rite?

Serious business now, well i know i'm not so good when it comes to relationships

and all cos i've got issues of ma own, but Mrs Guest I think u r a very

strong woman to be able to endure and persevere even when u were not

happy, I feel for u, Allah zai saka maki, kuma kinsan wata sharia'ar sai a

lahira! Waziri i understand what u r saying but i came accross dis qur'anic

verse and i think i shud share it;

Allah Most High says in Surah al-Nur:

?Let no man guilty of adultery (or fornication) marry any but a woman similarly guilty, or an unbeliever. Nor let any but such a man or an unbeliever marry such a woman. To the believers such a thing is forbidden?(Surah al-Nur, V.3)

The above ruling refers to the situation where the adulterer or adulteress have not yet repented and are actively involved in their evil ways and practices. If one has sincerely repented, then there is no reason to abstain from marring them.
(ref: Tafsir ibn Kathir and Ma?arif al-Qur?an).





Now Kit Kat, isn't dis similar to wat u refered to as Twinkle and Hafsy's

"Destiny's child fan club" talk? Idan har he hasn't repented {not just by

mouth, but by heart} she's not eligible to marry him. Da choice lies in

Mrs. Guest's hands cos she's da only one among us who "might" be able

to know her husbands state of mind. But then again, sometimes we have

to make very tough decisions in our lifetime in order to have the best in

the hereafter. Allah na bayan mai gaskiya.

Quote from: "Fateez"

hehehehe...Kitkat, i think da new DC single is "Lose ur breath" it's nice rite?

Aaahh another fan!!

thanks for the correction, some of us are just fringe listeners.
Ur right though, sounds good.

Fatima, it is one thing to pluck out a Qur'anic verse in order to support a position. But it is another thing to put them in the most appropriate context necessary to achieve a fitting conclusion.

The verse you referred to above have all its verbs active which shows everything to mean a position that should be taken before marriage; Let an adulterer should marry not but an adulteress.

But how about if after marriage one discovered how an "adulter" his or her partner is, as in the case of Mrs. Guest? Where is the verse that speaks about that? No, you will not find that verse.

But you will be able to find a Hadith in Buluug Al-Maraam which told about how a companion of the Holy Prophet told the Prophet about his(companion's) wife inability to resist any man that makes overtures. The Prophet told him to divorce her but the man said he loved her then Prophet Muhammad told him to continue to keep her that way.

This is the truth the way it is.

I repeat here that our guest must not even start thinking of leaving her man now. In Islam we make judgement not only on what is HALAL or HARAM only. But we also take into consideration the kind of circumtance we find ourselves in. In some circumstances, a HALAL could be a HARAM and vice versa.

In the light of this. I always say when Madam leaves that man, the chances are 70% or more that she will get into the hand of the same or even worst character.

You are women, we are men. We live in our own world which we know better. One man once told me how his wife kept bothering about his mistress. He told me of his plan to tell her, if she persisted,  how he once  shared a mistress with her uncle to whom she was must likely to take the matter to. I persuaded him not to and tried to make him the futility in that exercise. I really suceeded for now they are living happily with his wife and he has given up mistresses.

Add to this. I have many sisters and cousins like you. My worry every day is how I can have a responsible people who will marry them. Therefore I cannot advice a 30 yrs old mother to call a marriage quit.

Fatima, Twinkle and Hafsy- Lady, you are quite young I can perceive. I believe we will all be better off if we can understand the truth that Being happy doesnt mean everything is perfect... it only means one has learnt to accept the inperfections of of life.

In your marriage you certainly will be seeing many things that will always make you want to call it quit no matter how good your husband is but what can make you reverse your decision always is the above statement I made and the truth that you live in marriage not for the man but for God. Remember what is happening around you in Britain. You can see that ins pite of the height the men reached in claiming being good to women, yet the women do not see them perfect enough to sustain a marriage. Their law that gave women the right to divorce is now wrecking the fabric of their social setting.

Finally I will like to state one shocking truth. All the men I have seen and discussed the reason why they cheat on their wives always express to me their regret over their actions. They too they don't like doing it. It is only because they are truly addicted  so to say like a ciggarette smoker.

As such I will advice Mrs. Guest to bear with her man. I do not advocate sincerity in speach. I promote politeness. So Mrs. Guest should not speak to her man about it directly. Let her begin by suggesting to him to employ some precautionary measures against STD's. This will form the beginning of discussion about the problem. Then I assure you that if she would remain calm and tactical and as days follow nights so she will come to discover the mystery behind her husband's problem and eventually the way out.

twinkle,1/2cy,fateez,kitkat & waziri(especially) y'all doing a v--v--v-ery wondaful job in here,y'all have as very wide positive horizon 2wards r/ship mattas which i must admit i'm no betta dan a big 0(mayb) @ it.its amazing how many ppl y'all touch wid ur good ideas despite diffrences in opinion i blieve y'll doing it 4 d good,may ALLAH  reward y'all abundantly,peace y'all!

 Kitkat I hav 2 say, u speakin sum sense but gt a few 2 add...though mehs got no time now. But will b bck.

Mrs Guest, dnt worry cus ONE MANS TRASH IS ANOTHER MANS TREASURE. IF SOMEONE TRASHES U, ANOTHER WILL TREASURE U

Hafsy & Twinkle weldoneeeeeeeeee indeeeeeed

Quote from: "ummita" Kitkat I hav 2 say, u speakin sum sense but gt a few 2 add...though mehs got no time now. But will b bck.

Mrs Guest, dnt worry cus ONE MANS TRASH IS ANOTHER MANS TREASURE. IF SOMEONE TRASHES U, ANOTHER WILL TREASURE U

Hafsy & Twinkle weldoneeeeeeeeee indeeeeeed

To, pa..... kinji MALAMA GUEST, GASHI AN DEBO WATA PROVERB MAI DUNBUN MEANING AN DANKARAMIKI.
NIDAI NAWA BAYANIN ITACE KI DANGANAWA ALLAH KOMAI.

Quote from: "Hafsy_Lady"Technically speaking, sometimes having a little courtesy when trying to have a difficult conversation does help. But other times its not right to say things out pop and clear. Well like ummita said, I got her a material three pipul were after and willing to pay more just to have it. I had to pay extra, took it to the tailors who was going off for Sunday service I gave him a tip the dress was ready in two days. I gave the driver to deliver it her & I had to kiss up & suck up all the attitude he was giving me. I rang days later happy to ask if she liked it. All she said was the material is gorgeous but "I DONT LIKE THE SEWING" I would not directly tell someone that! I mean whats up with that? I went all through that and this is what I got! Though she tried making me understand but I was too upset to understand her point even though it made sense & I refused to accept it. So yes sometimes its hard to accept things. Anway as for her I told her off big time. Harsh words she got. Didnt yah? (hehehe)

But I think if people where very confrontational, open and direct things would be far more better. Communication and iterraction will be greatl. If girls were open there wont be too much gossiping. I mean "look Aisha in her eyes and tell her what you dont like about her". Tell a guy who has just asked for your number that "look I appreciate it you liking me but honestly am not interested" instead of whining up a guy, making him think you like him, waisting his time rendering the situation more difficult when you deicide to tell the guy that after he is all inlove. Why not tell him right there and then. Men! you are getting second wives, why wont they approach their first wives & look them in the eyes and tell them. Pop and clear. Let her deal with it! There no point hearing it from someone. It will be a hard blow shot when she finds out elsewhere. You cheated on your guy and want to come clean, dont run round the bush, tell him straightlyyyyyy if you really feel sorry about what you did. Honestly only if people would be straight & open there will be better understanding amongst each other. But somethings gaskiya its difficult for people to understand. No matter how you best put it and how sorry you feel telling them what you really think, others dont understand especially amongst black people.
We just gotta learn how to be speak openly, kindheartedly passing your exact words no lying and being rationale about it

:D

wonda they say shall neva end..jus strolling thru som articles,stopped by 2 read dis & thot it might be kool 2 share it wif y'all...strange world..read on.


WEDDING REVENGE
Here is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man making out  with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Screw you," he turned to the bride and said "Screw you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge?
Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world; we just live in it.  abi??lol...how difficult & worse cud it get?
oops this thhread is abaut difficult conversations held..lol.

:roll:  :roll:  :roll:

Dan kauye this is really amazing :shock: no be smalla disgrace he brought to the parent and wife,well they deserve it.

bout the topic i think almost everybody use to have such kind of wahala wurin fadar gaskiyar lamari,which  i think is due to the nature of human thinking some will welcome your gyara with pure heart while some will think differently, my sister the same father and mother naje mata hutu so i use to clean her room and do all sorts of things then she brought out one bedsheet and asked me to put it on the bed so sai na nuna mata cewa yadan tsufa kadan gashi kuma weekend ne they will get alot of visitors,sai nace ta kawo wani sai ta ke nuna min cewa ai nima nasan guda biyu ne da ita kuma and wanke dayan,so sai nace a'a sister kema dai bakya son sayen bedsheet gashi bedsheet a gida kamar naki ace sai an kirga,b4 i knew it my sister ta fara balbala masifa cewa ai nasan dai tafi karfin bedsheet da zance mata ta canza,don hka tunda ba daki na bane i should put it like taht bla bla, :D sai daga baya kuma after a week then take ce mun gaskiyar fa daga nan ta tura mu mu sayo mata sabbi.

anoda tory,hmmm ummita know how to set topic woo.thumbs up for ummita,most of the time na me they charge my husbands mobile phone,wato g sm,most of the time kuma na kanyi amfani dashi wajen calling mutane and oda things,and i normally sent text message via his mobile b'cos he is using econet or vmobile and u knoe they have this bonanza of free sms monthly,nasan maigida bashi da lokacin da zaiyi exhausting wannan don haka i normally help him wurin cin bati,so one day i sent a text to my friend she replied and we continue like that like if we are chatting since i know i was using free facility,then i n the course a text came in,though the number doesn't reflect that of my friend but i thought may be she doesnt have credit that was why she got another line,hmmmm as i opned the text it was from my husbands boss he tried his line but couldn't get him,so he resorted to sending text and after explaining what he wasnts to say which was urgent he asked my oga to called him back,na karanta text,na rasa yadda zan fada wa maigida cewa ya yi recieving text gashi kuma urgrnt official assignment ne,kunsan ba dadi kayi intercepting message di n wani especially when it comes to that level,it will loook like iam e dropping on him,so na rasa yadda zanyi in na fada masa message zai tambaya yaya nayi na sani shi kuma ogan bai bugo ba,a karshe dai sai da ogan ya tada mutum yazo don yaga shiru ni kuma nayi deleting don bana son yaga message din da bai karanta ba amma gashi ansa read :roll:  :roll:

Quote from: "kilishi"anoda tory,hmmm ummita know how to set topic woo.thumbs up for ummita,most of the time na me they charge my husbands mobile phone,wato g sm,most of the time kuma na kanyi amfani dashi wajen calling mutane and oda things,and i normally sent text message via his mobile b'cos he is using econet or vmobile and u knoe they have this bonanza of free sms monthly,nasan maigida bashi da lokacin da zaiyi exhausting wannan don haka i normally help him wurin cin bati,so one day i sent a text to my friend she replied and we continue like that like if we are chatting since i know i was using free facility,then i n the course a text came in,though the number doesn't reflect that of my friend but i thought may be she doesnt have credit that was why she got another line,hmmmm as i opned the text it was from my husbands boss he tried his line but couldn't get him,so he resorted to sending text and after explaining what he wasnts to say which was urgent he asked my oga to called him back,na karanta text,na rasa yadda zan fada wa maigida cewa ya yi recieving text gashi kuma urgrnt official assignment ne,kunsan ba dadi kayi intercepting message di n wani especially when it comes to that level,it will loook like iam e dropping on him,so na rasa yadda zanyi in na fada masa message zai tambaya yaya nayi na sani shi kuma ogan bai bugo ba,a karshe dai sai da ogan ya tada mutum yazo don yaga shiru ni kuma nayi deleting don bana son yaga message din da bai karanta ba amma gashi ansa read :roll:  :roll:

One day you go kuku see the text wey go clear your eye :shock:
Wallahi ba ki ba wayar maigida!! Thats the rule on my side of town.

Quote

One day you go kuku see the text wey go clear your eye :shock:
Wallahi ba ki ba wayar maigida!! Thats the rule on my side of town.

M e don trust my husband infact i be his gsm care taker :lol:  :lol: ahhh tori dey wo me if i tell you wetin i see and wetin i come do for that you go laugh taya,i just dont want to expose myself now but later you go know say i be correct care taker for gsm :x  :x

Quote from: "kilishi"

Quote

One day you go kuku see the text wey go clear your eye :shock:
Wallahi ba ki ba wayar maigida!! Thats the rule on my side of town.

M e don trust my husband infact i be his gsm care taker :lol:  :lol: ahhh tori dey wo me if i tell you wetin i see and wetin i come do for that you go laugh taya,i just dont want to expose myself now but later you go know say i be correct care taker for gsm :x  :x

U go gurl... Well 2 b quite honest i don't c any problem when one goes tru her husby's fone, since marrage is all about being one, being  free & open minded.

I dont think the advise up there is good.Well the concept of being one and all etc is but these days it is better to respect each others privacy.As kitkat said u might see wat u dont want to see.And sometimes wat u dont know wont hurt u.
Kilishi wats wrong with explaining to your hubby that since he doesnt exhaust his free txts u want to do that? wouldnt that have made things easier and less  bothersome for u?Anyway i'm just saying my mind, we all do things differently.By the way i'd like to read your gsm caretaker story.it reminds me of my internet chatting story.Before you give us your own lemme give you mine.
My husband was one evening using the computer at home on a weekend when he went upstairs to do something,this was in the afternoon.He did not sign out so his messenger was on and i decided to do some net surfing.Anyway i was actually reading k-online stuff(believe it or not)when this girl,lady,woman,watever decided to buzz him.I answered,pretending i was my husband and we gisted for sometime ,me pretending to be him and leadidng her to believe i was at the office.She then invited him/me for a video-webcam chat and i accepted.I even complimented her on how nice she looked.And blah blah blah we went on till i got tired of the small gists and paying her compliments.I tell u its not easy being a man who has to chat up a woman.So i called out to my husband ,he was actually sitting at the table thinking i was writing mails.i told him to come and continue ,i was tire of chatting her up.
His reaction?shock,embarassment,guilt etc.And i just smiled and said nothing...but Wallahi it was fun.And i enjoyed his discomfort and hers later on when he told her it was 'the wife'.

Divorce is indeed the most hated lawful thing in my religion, and it remains so. But remember, it is being approved for a purpose!
Mrs guests, first of all I'd like to encourage your courage and confidence in this place, and wish you a much more swift solution and life, and even hereafter than anyone here prescribes.
I agree with kitkat in tryn a communication and solution to all that happened, but you should also understand that patience always has a LIMIT. No matter what you do in serving him you are not his slave, and you do have a right to be happy in marriage. Believe me a lifetime of hard work is not worth an idiot ruining into misery, forgive my language. Confide in yourself my friend, take it up to him, and if he wouldn't be the man u married, go home. Take ur kids, help yourself coz this lifestyle is not worth anything. I believe alotta our parents before us were also living in loyalty for thier husbands and children, but their only joy lies in thier children and no one else. Even if no man looks at u again, u can still find joy wid ur children instead of letting someone reverse it.
You could take him to court if it means it. God knows what is there and your life has to live on. But contine praying and hope lies where u can see the light ahead. In ur husbands darkness, there is no hope... only maybe if u find a miracle.
I wish u the best of everything Mrs...everything

Thank you ibro.I would like to tell you all that things got worse and then one day he came and said he had married the mistress ,toh yanzu kuma ya ga me zan yi.What did i do?I have left everything with Allah.
I am looking for a job and some other way of occupying my mind.mostly with religious learnings.If there is anything good that came out of this it is the fact that i am now a person that does more ibadah than before and i hope it continues that way till the end of my life.
Will keep you all posted on how my life turns out  and thank you to all of you,and do please keep praying for me,will you.

It is not in Allah's character to test someone with something he/she cant handle.Divorce is something that ruins families.
You should know that if you have been faithful to your husband and he hasn't been faithful to you,WALLAHI Allah zai saka miki and its a promise.

hey u must learn to be diplomatic wen dealin wit pple cos humans r very emotional beings.but always remember black is black and white is white