After dying in
...The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!'"
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband.
Hey guyz read this one!
Sign Board
The Smart Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway...
NUDIST COLONY ***
Go slow and watch out for the chicks------------
ROVER
...Finally, Dad threw down his newspaper in disgust
and bellowed, "Rover! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OFF
THAT COUCH BEFORE HE S.H.I.T.T.S ON YOU!!!"
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who was at site..........WOMEN!!!
A man is walking home alone one night when he hears a bump, bump, bump behind him......Good1 LOLOLOL.
'Who is guilty' in this situation? ? ?u cud say its 1-1.very nice 1 muda.i hope d story wasnt inspired by real life (1st-hand)x-perience.LOL
Haba G-naka, dont u know zat some feofle are eating?????
This is a real story.
Why you shouldnt pick up anything in Lagos.
A friends driver went to lagos for the first time and while taking a stroll in the afternoon he saw a brand new tin of bournvita shining.He glanced in all directions and made sure no one was looking at him before he quickly took the tin.
He found a shade and used his key to open the tin.seconds before opening the tin he had a second thought 'what if this tin is filled with 'jon'?
but he was too late as the sun had already beaten the 'tutu' in the tin and the little pressure he put on the lid was sufficient for the pressurised 'tutu' to burst all out bathing the poor driver.
hehe HUSNAA u sef..u object to Dave's dirty and crude joke, and then follow up with a pseudo anti-semitic one! LOL!
Muda nko, wetin happen to yr exotic style of spelling?
You forgot - Our leaders: clueless.
9gerian food is delicious though.
15 minutes!!! 15 whole minutes is how long me and a bunch of jobless
procastinators spent trying to prove this thing wrong. Ended up going in
da books and yes, we found an answer! Now i dont wan2 go all nerdy on
you, but dats some really cool stuff!
:lol: :lol: :lol: wallahi its true!! :P :P :P
Ina fara zana 6 din, sai naji kafar tana canza direction!!! :D :D
Quote from: "Fateez"15 minutes!!! 15 whole minutes is how long me and a bunch of jobless
procastinators spent trying to prove this thing wrong. Ended up going in
da books and yes, we found an answer! Now i dont wan2 go all nerdy on
you, but dats some really cool stuff!
Went thru books? Lallai you have time on your hands. Have you finally solved it? (not asking you to mention it, if indeed you have). I may put up a price :lol:
Can anybody move their ears up and down? I'm doing that at the moment. (You'll all just have to believe me on this).
Can anybody move their ears up and down? I'm doing that at the moment. (You'll all just have to believe me on this).
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
LIONGER
There were too many pro Islamic hausa/fulani people on this side of the road
Quote from: "Dave_McEwan_Hill"Can anybody move their ears up and down? I'm doing that at the moment. (You'll all just have to believe me on this).
Ewww :o Sounds like a character from a Sci-Fi flick.
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
ZIZO:
Uhh?I don?t know
Bakan Gizo, the town is at yr disposal..... give us the solution to the leg mystery I beg!! :P
Quote from: "HUSNAA"
Bakan Gizo, the town is at yr disposal..... give us the solution to the leg mystery I beg!! :P
Instead of drawing the 6 starting at the top then coming down and then looping anti-clockwise, you draw in reverse order, starting at the end of the loop, going clockwise and finishing at the top :lol:
Irish kuma? :?
A man goes into a Library and asks the Librarian
"Can you lend me a book on how to commit suicide?"
The librarian replies
" No chance. You wouldn't bring it back!"
Anyway, kyautar 'yan wuta u said???? hmmmmmmm.........
I dont know about that, afterall I ASKED for the money, afterwards not demanded it back 8)
I will have u know with all implied MODESTY that HUMILITY is my second name!!!!!! :wink:
Old man to young lady: " Would you have sex with me for 10 million Naira?"
Young lady: "I'd be foolish to say no."
Old man: "Would you have sex with me for 10 Naira?"
Young lady: "Do you think I'm a prostitute?"
Old Man " We've already established that. I'm just haggling about the price."
Sorry Dave,
Cant look any other way, :oops: but that WAS a seriously funny joke...I'm still laughing... (talk about bending over backwards to please )lol!!! :lol:
The Moral of the story? The a**hole is usually in charge!! :roll:
Quote from: "HUSNAA"Sorry Dave,
Cant look any other way, :oops: but that WAS a seriously funny joke...I'm still laughing... (talk about bending over backwards to please )lol!!! :lol:
PS. The husband probably bellowed:
'BY GUM!!! BILLY BOB THORNTON!!!! (Briggitte BardoT)
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too." :P
..."Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
Quote from: "Bakan~Gizo"
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too." :P
Zat is simfly a blow to ze head. Lol...correct man...keef repping! You see women ko? How can she be zis mean eben at ze tym op great pear? :wink:
Aha. Another DAVEish joke. After this I revert back to more "clean" ones :lol: Promise, Husnaa.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
"...dan fillo ya gyara ma'adanar kudin sa da ke daure a kugun sa, ya sakankan ce ya baiwa barci ragamar lmulki...,"
My son, who appeared in many episodes of a Kano TV version of Mind Your Language, was actually offered a position with the BBC Hausa service. Sadly he did not take it. Twenty years later he can't read Hausa any more which is a pity though he still talks Hausa fluently.
Na. I'm a dirty OLD man (according to Waziri anyway), retired now and my son is now a bit older than 35.
The girls I taught at WTC Kano will all be about forty years old by now or more. I wonder where they all are.
In fact my grand-daughter (her mother is from Bornu State) is going to University in Glasgow and hopes to be a teacher.(It runs in the family).
I hope my grandaughter gets back to Kano one day to see where she was born. She was delivered in a clinic in the Sabon Gari.
Maigemu
In fact my grand-daughter (her mother is from Bornu State) is going to University in Glasgow and hopes to be a teacher.(It runs in the family).
I hope my grandaughter gets back to Kano one day to see where she was born. She was delivered in a clinic in the Sabon Gari.
Maigemu
Kai! Its such a small world.I do know the Lavers family and Husnaa knows them,too.Maybe I know Husnaa,too :D
Quote from: "precious"Kai! Its such a small world.I do know the Lavers family and Husnaa knows them,too.Maybe I know Husnaa,too :D
Maybe..jus maybe Precious.. :D .
Husnaa and co. should love this :D
Kai! Its such a small world.I do know the Lavers family and Husnaa knows them,too.Maybe I know Husnaa,too :D
Should children witness childbirth?Lol that was funny!!! hehehe!!
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first
place......smack his ass again!"
Hollah at u all, The Lavers were my makota, one house between us. Did any of yu lived in BUK?Kai! Its such a small world.I do know the Lavers family and Husnaa knows them,too.Maybe I know Husnaa,too :D
we frolicked with one ibrahim lavers back in the days although i recall he was all black not half caste!! world keeps getting smaller precious and husnaa... heh heh heh
Man to old lady " Excuse me. You have suppository in your ear"
Old woman " Gosh. I wonder where I have put the ear-piece of my hearing aid."
Broke
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of broke do you not understand!!!?" ;D[/color]
That was very funny!
Lemme give you a little suomething both Husnaa and Fateez will always frown at...lol!
The New Scientific Element Called Woman
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
find me an ATM in Nigeria, lol ( and I will try out the manouvres ;D hehehehe!!)
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.
ci gaba da dukana maigida, dont mind him!
Haba people,
Where are our good manners.
Mufi joined this forum and babu wanda ya yi mata lale maraba.
Haba Dan borno?this is part of your responsibilities.
Lucky you ALKN is on sabbatical he would have issued u a query.
Anty Husnaa?Myself?Amira?IBB?
Dukkanin ku ke yi mata sannu da zuwa idan ba haka ba na me and u >:(
A man was beating his wife, his friend stopped him and said " kai mahaukaci, ba'a dukan mata, kishiya a ke musu"! On hearing this the woman stopped yelling and said " ci gaba da dukana maigida, dont mind him!
Haba people,
Where are our good manners.
Mufi joined this forum and babu wanda ya yi mata lale maraba.
Haba Dan borno?this is part of your responsibilities.
Lucky you ALKN is on sabbatical he would have issued u a query.
Anty Husnaa?Myself?Amira?IBB?
Dukkanin ku ke yi mata sannu da zuwa idan ba haka ba na me and u >:(
Anty Husna yi hakuri..LOL 'don't take it too personally' :P :P
I remember no one welcomed you either and you compained to admin (i think)
You are welcome to kanoonline (in arrears).
Very sorry.
LOL@ Dave
Woman goes into a butcher's and asks "Is that a sheep's head in the window?"Oh Dave (I'm on the floor laughing) Thats wicked!!!! hehehehehehehehehehehehehe!!!
"No,madame" replies the butcher "Its a mirror."
This is not a joke. It's a true story about a blonde.
I ran a hotel and bar here in Argyll.
One night we were sitting at the bar discussing things when the subject of Mr Bobbit came up.
You may remember a few years ago somewhere in America a Mrs Bobbit caught out her husband cheating on her and when he was sleeping one night she got a knife and cut his *willie off.
When the ambulance and police arrived she admitted what she had done and told the police she had thrown her husband's willie into a nearby field. They went out with powerful torches and found it and rushed it to hospital where surgeons managed to graft it back on.
The big blonde (her name was Joyce) after hearing this tale asked " But how did the police with torches know it was his?"
The grafting on was moderately successful I understand
*willie = pe nis
This is not a joke. It's a true story about a blonde.
I ran a hotel and bar here in Argyll.
One night we were sitting at the bar discussing things when the subject of Mr Bobbit came up.
You may remember a few years ago somewhere in America a Mrs Bobbit caught out her husband cheating on her and when he was sleeping one night she got a knife and cut his *willie off.
When the ambulance and police arrived she admitted what she had done and told the police she had thrown her husband's willie into a nearby field. They went out with powerful torches and found it and rushed it to hospital where surgeons managed to graft it back on.
The big blonde (her name was Joyce) after hearing this tale asked " But how did the police with torches know it was his?"
The grafting on was moderately successful I understand
*willie = pe nis
THE PERFECT HUSBANDLOL....A very wicked man.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker
function
and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's Only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new 2006 Models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '$90,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I
wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000'
M AN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of
$900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50
thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
A journalist is interviewing a farmer and notices in the sty, a pig with a single wooden leg. He asks the farmer how this happened. The farmer tells him: "That is an interesting and moving story. One day last year, I was driving my tractor and it hit a large stone; the tractor turned over and pinned me to the ground. I was alone in the field, the tractor caught fire and I shouted out for help. This brave animal heard me, jumped over the sty, dashed across the yard, through the hedge - cutting himself in the process - and, although I was, by then, unconscious through smoke inhalation, he pushed away the vehicle: sustaining burns and bruises. Eventually he pulled me clear, then ran ten, painful, miles to get help, which saved my life."LOL cant believe he'll eat the pig!
"So why does he have a wooden leg?" persisited the journalist.
The farmer replied: "A PIG LIKE THAT YOU DON'T EAT ALL AT ONCE." ;D
A Can of Peaches
An 80yr old woman was arrested for shoplifting. when she went before
the judge, he asked her,' what did you steal?' she replied:A can of
the husband said, ' she also stole a can of peas'.
LoL loud at IBB's Genie Frog joke, but men u didnt realise that u will personally annoy Husnaa and Fateez? To ka dauki matakin compensation da wuri.We've developed thick skins Muda.... ;D It will take more than IBB's little crack to get us going again, besides it was a good joke!! hahaha ur lawyer joke is similar to it as well
LoL sosai again at Mufi's The Perfect Husband Joke, that was a thrill, u got me cracking my ribs till they hurt, Allah Sarki whomever the mobile was for! Kai!
Men disparaging their wives is an unconscious way of protesting the fact that they cant live without them. So let them disparage till the cows come home. Man cant live without woman. Remember that Allah Created paradise, He Created Adam and Put him in paradise. Despite all the pleasures available in paradise, Allah Created Eve for Adam. So why was it that the pleasures of paradise were not enough? Adam had to have Eve to enjoy paradise to the full. Think about it!!!!You said it wonderfully, i couldn't have said it better than that.
Wow...! R u saying that it is now compulsory to marry 2? What if i find solace in the first wife?
Marry 2 ,3 or 4 and if u cant treat them with equal justice (and u can never do so) then marry only 1.
Seems to me that the clause (u can never treat wives equally) means that the last option (1 wife) is the default option and NOT any of the others... although being from opposite sexes, we will never see eye to eye on the issue........however u are right about not being certain of loving each other if its just one man and one woman. What I mean is that at least for a woman her emotional mettle is tested more if she has a cowife than if she doesnt have one. Anyway men are incapable of sustaining emotional love, that is why they can live with more than one woman.
Marry 2 ,3 or 4 and if u cant treat them with equal justice (and u can never do so) then marry only 1.
Seems to me that the clause (u can never treat wives equally) means that the last option (1 wife) is the default option and NOT any of the others... although being from opposite sexes, we will never see eye to eye on the issue........however u are right about not being certain of loving each other if its just one man and one woman. What I mean is that at least for a woman her emotional mettle is tested more if she has a cowife than if she doesnt have one. Anyway men are incapable of sustaining emotional love, that is why they can live with more than one woman.
Marry 2 ,3 or 4 and if u cant treat them with equal justice (and u can never do so)Yes, you can. That condition refers to material things, and it is not impossible, or beyond man to treat his wives equally materially. What is almost impossible is equal love/emotion, and Allah in His Infinite Wisdom and Mercy, has not made that a pre-condition for polygamy.
Anyway men are incapable of sustaining emotional love, that is why they can live with more than one woman.Ouch! That's a big thumbsdown on us ;D
Marry 2 ,3 or 4 and if u cant treat them with equal justice (and u can never do so)Yes, you can. That condition refers to material things, and it is not impossible, or beyond man to treat his wives equally materially. What is almost impossible is equal love/emotion, and Allah in His Infinite Wisdom and Mercy, has not made that a pre-condition for polygamy.
I must disagree with u, a man becomes what he chooses to be not because he is controlled by a force he cannot defend, so the question of being emotionally weak does not arise in this respect, the thing is many men enjoy the feel of playing tricks between their wives, first of all they want to feel among or superior in the society by possessing two or more wives, if a man is leaning so much on a particular wife is only because he chooses to be manipulated by her cause i dont see any reason whereby a bread winner of the house will be commanded at will, so my dear Husnaa it is not a matter of being weak emotionally but a matter of choice.
ok am not experienced ba? Same applies to you to cos you are an only wife abi? he he!
He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!" [/color]
I think it shouldnt be called make me laugh...Huh? ??? Blue or red, they still make us laugh ;D
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”Wayyo, wannan ya shiga uku ;D
Dave my man...keep doin it man...lol!Oh that was just so so funny!!! hehehehe
Check this out...!
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father greeted her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Father, I became a prostitute."
"Ye what!!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, and for both of you a title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye, daddy, a new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Country Club....and an invitation for ye to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye'd become?" dad interrupts.
The girl, crying and sniffing again, says, "A prostitute, dad!"
"Oh!! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a 'Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
Ameen, that was a nice one mufi a real good one ;)
American tourists driving down from Jos to Kano stop at Tudun Wada Dankadai.;D ;D :Dlol.... its very funny and creative too.it shows da impractical perception of americans.
Trader sees them coming but has nothing much to sell so he grabs a pile of goat's shit and speads it out over the table.
American tourist approaches and asks "Gee, what are these?"
"These are special learning tablets" replies the trader "made from a ancient remedy and dried in the wholesome rays of the sun."
" Gee, how much are they?" asks the American
" 35 Naira each" replies the trader
" I'll try one" says the American, handing over a bundle of Naira and popping a "tablet" in his mouth.
" Ugh" he exclaims, spitting it out again "That tasted like goat shit!"
" See" says the trader " You're learning already!"
Kai Dan Allah kuyi mana a hankali da wadannan jokes din ;D Lol!! cikina har ciwo yakeyi ;D
Here is another blonde Joke, enjoy!!!
God Bless Blondes at Football Games
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football (American not Soccer)game. They had great
seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked
the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back!
I didnt get the joke can any1 explain it 2 me pls. thanxLol IBB!
OK another one ;D
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London with the taxi driver as the tour guide. They pass the famous White Tower at the Tower of London. The cabbie tells him what it is and construction date: begun in 1078, finished in 1087.
"Shoot!" cries the Texan disgusted. "A little Tower like that? In Houston, we'd have that up in a year."
Next they pass the House of Parliament. Cabbie points it out to the Texan and tells him date of construction: started in 1834, finished in 1852.
"We put a bigger building than that up in Dallas, and it only took a month!" says show off Texan.
Next they pass Westminster Abbey, and the fuming cabbie doesnt say anything.
"Whoa!" Cries the Texan, looking at Westminster Abbey. "Whats that?"
"Dont know" replies the cab driver. "It wasnt there yesterday."
LOL....very funny.
A British pilot during W.W.II was shot down over Germany. In the hospital, he was told that his left leg had to be amputated. He asked for it to be parachuted down over England. This was done. A week later, his right leg had to go, and he asked for the same thing to be done. A week later his left arm had the same fate. A short time later, when his right arm was about to be taken off, he asked for the arm to be dropped over England like the other limbs. He met with a refusal by the German doctor. The answer he received was: "No; we think that you are trying to escape". ;DHaha ;D
lol. But I cant figure out the "I bumped into coffee table"Come on IBB. He banged his knee on the coffee table, plus swear word!! coffee tables are supposed to be low... u know that.
Yes, jan borgo ;D, oh danborno! I will give the steward kudos for applying the rule of "tsimi da tanadi" ;D
'Nothing', the man replied. 'Just went out to practice with TWO buckets of water'.
A colledge class was told they had to write a story in as few words as possible.The instructions were the short story had to contain the following three things:
1) Religion
2)Sexuality
3)Mystery
The following answer was addjudged A+
"Good God, Im pregnant;I wonder who did it."
The Husband Store
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's
owner also opened a New Wives store just
across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among theinstructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increases as the shopper ascends
the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose
to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store
to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign
reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Mandela: "We don't. We pack them into containers, recycle them, melt
them down into chewing gum and sell them to America ."
Lame (All the 3)Wallahi kuwa. I didnt want to be the first to comment.
" What have you got in your bottom then?"
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H he is looking at the message upside
down." ;D
MUGU ONE
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still
alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him
know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and faxed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No
one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret
Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside
down." ;D
370HSSV-0773H
"So, where is Bill's clock?" "Oh ,"St. Peter chuckled, "Jesus has that one in his office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." ;D
A wee festive poem for forumites presently shivering in Europe or North America.
[i]I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me
I made it some pyjamas
And a pillow for its head
Then last night it ran away
But first.......it wet the bed[/i]
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field." ;D
A wee festive poem for forumites presently shivering in Europe or North America.
[i]I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me
I made it some pyjamas
And a pillow for its head
Then last night it ran away
But first.......it wet the bed[/i]
LAUGH OUT REALLY LOUD, Honnestly men, this should be the joke of the months men, there should be an award in that category, i just cant help laughing!
Assalamu alaikum,Good one, man. ;D
....... got this from a friend, many of might have also.
Friends of Warri People We dey hail o! Enjoy!
THIS HAPPENED IN A CLASSROOM IN WARRI
Teacher : You boy, spell plantain
Boy : Whish One ? The ripe one abi the unripe one ?
Teacher : Shuo !!! What difference does it make? Just spell plantain. Abi you wan try me?
Boy : Shuo Teesha, no be fightooo!
If you fry the ripe one na " DODO"
If you fry the unripe one na "SHIPS"
If you roast am, na "BOLI"
If you soak am come dry am na "KPEKERE"
All of dem na plantain,
so whish one you wan make I spell.
Teacher : Na wao for una o ! wafi people! I bow o
A thief went to steal his neighbours ram. he was about to tie it on his bike when the owner shouted from inside "malam lafiya"? the thief answered "zan kowa mashi machine ne". the neighbour responded "miko shi nan, ai ya iyya.
Muda that was lame. U know why? bcos as u said it was posted b4 and i happened to have read it way back and found it hilarious. second reason why its not funny anymore is because the wireless is not a novelty anymore. Its so everyday that its mundane. ::)
LOL ;D ;D
Eyya sorry!
You've got to see this...Just keep watching....very funny ;D
http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf
Wannan labarin gaskiya ne ya faru, at least haka wanda ya bani labarin ya ce.
Wai wani mutum ne suka yi fada da matarsa, har abin ya kai tayi zuciya bata yi masa magana. Ga shi kuma zai kai ta gidan iyayen ta a can Hotoro da yamma. Bayan ya dawo daga aiki, ta shirya ta shiga bayan mota (owners kwana) ta kame, shi kuma ya shiga gaba ya ja mota, kowa na tunanin abin da ya dame shi, ba mai cewa kowa kala. Can sun kawo wajen Aminu Kano Teaching hospictal, sai ya ga wata tsaleliyar yarinya a bakin titi tana jiran mota. Gogannaka ai ba sai ya manta yana tare da matarsa ba. Sai kawai ya ja birki, ya paka gefen titi, ya ce "'yam mata ina zaki ne?". Ta ce "Zaria road, wajen Na'ibawa". Ya ce "shigo mana muje". Yarinya kuwa ta bude gaban mota ta shige ;D
Duk wannan abin matar tana seat din baya, zuciya na cin ta ta kasa magana. Tayi shiru kawai tana kallon ikon Allah! Can dai DA taga abin ya wuce wasa, don su da zasu Hotoro, sai taga an karya kwanar AKTH roundabout an nufi Zaria road. Sai ta maganu..."mutum dai komai rashin mutuncinsa, ai ya kaini gida tukun >:(" . Mutumin ba kawai sai ya ji maganar daga bayan mota ba kamar a mafarki? Ai sai ya taka wani lafiyayyen birki, ya mika hannu ya bude kofar inda yarinyar take zaune.."FITA DAN UBANKI, FITA. MARA KUNYA, 'YAR ISKA!!!" ;D ;D
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband. "
The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription ."
Real Quotes From Court
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
You are in conflict with your son lol
Wai wani mutum ne yaje gidan abokinsa suna hira. Can sai dan abokin ya shigo gida, zai wuce dakinsa. Sai ya durkusa ya gaida su. Sai baban, with pride, ya ce da abokinsa, " ka san kuwa dan nan nawa Kabiru yanzu har ya shiga form six yake? Ai kwananan zasu yi SSCE!". Abokin uban ya dubi yaron da mamaki, yace "Iyye! Lallai lokaci na gudu".
Sai ya kalli yaron ya tambaye shi da turanci, "So Kabiru, can you speak English?"
Yaro ya amsa da takama, "Can you mana !" ;D ;D
good scenario auntyn muhsin.
however, the cause of the death of C is "thirst"
even though thirst is not a likely probable cause of death
which B surely knows that, hence his intention to leak
out the water so that they will only suffer for a while.
so, i dont think C will be liable for any offence since the
mere liking of the water can not constitute a case of an
intention to kill.
As for A, the poisoned water was not used by either
C or B, though he intended to kill C and fully knowing that
posining the water will result to death. however, C did not
drink the water ko? and he did not confide in anyone of him
contaminating the water with poisonous thing.
Okwo hhhmmmm ashe we have lawyers in the forum.... very impressed i must say :) make i take my leg comot....ummita were u de you should be here... Lawyers in action.
Ansar tayi wuya ne?
good scenario auntyn muhsin.
however, the cause of the death of C is "thirst"
even though thirst is not a likely probable cause of death
which B surely knows that, hence his intention to leak
out the water so that they will only suffer for a while.
so, i dont think C will be liable for any offence since the
mere liking of the water can not constitute a case of an
intention to kill.
Pass!
ANGER MANAGEMENT
Husband to wife : When I get mad at you, you
never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife : I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband : How does that help?
Wife : I use your toothbrush .
Thats all.
A Nursery 1 student in a Danfo bus from school
was reciting the days lesson at school, it went thus:
If my father is a cock and my mother a hen, I will be a chick
if my father is a lion and my mother a lioness, I will be a cob
if my father is a king and my mother a queen, I will be a prince etc, etc.
The bus driver was irritated by the boys 'noise', he shouted at the
boy asking him to shut up. But the boy continued. Then the driver
shouted; What of if your father is an 'armed robber' and your mother
an 'ashawo' (prostitute) what will you be? The boy replied;
I will be a 'Danfo Driver' "
lol
That was classic DB!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Husnaa, kin hana DB sakat a wannan thread din, I understand... ;D ;D ;D
Lol DB NOW you have me laughing my head off!! Maybe kana da masaniya da ni bani da ita. Kasan irin wannan lamarin the one concerned is always the last to know... ;D ;D ;D ;DThat was classic DB!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;DHusnaa, kin hana DB sakat a wannan thread din, I understand... ;D ;D ;D
Muhsin, bata hanani sakat ba ko kadan, she spoke the truth
didnt you see her here laughing sai kace wadda akayi mata
albishir cewa za a kara mata kishiya............. lol.
Babbar abin da mallam ya hana fada Thats really funny, I would want a woman like thatA DOMINATRIX?
Safety and peace
" No. Only those who catch my eye!"
I will be a 'Danfo Driver' "
Thats really funny, I would want a woman like thatlol lol lol lol lol thats really funny. What I meant was I would'nt want a woman like that. When I replied that some dude was tryina make a point at the office. He musta confused me.
> The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the
> bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens
Woman - Chemical Analysis
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
Element: Woman
Symbol: WO
.
One day Raju's dad bought a robot, The robot was special in that it
could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Raju returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why
are you late from school?".
Raju answered, "Dad we had extra classes today".
Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Raju on his
face.
His dad told him son that his robot is special in that he can detect a
lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the
truth, "Why are you late?"
"Dad I went for a movie", "Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments", Splatt
Raju got a tight slap on the face from the robot.
"No dad honest I went for the movie Sex Queen." Shame on you son when I
was your age I never used to do such shameful things."
splatt and slaps all round! that was funny.. wish there was such a robot..the world would be a more truthful place honestly ;D ;D ;D ;D
Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing all this, Raju's mother comes walking out of the kitchen
saying, "After all he is your son, he will be like you!", to which the robot
steps up and gives a resounding slap on Raju's mothers face."
LOL kar ka bari Husnaa ta ga wannan joke din ;D
The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout “James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you’re sh*tting in bed!”
I saw Muda's joke.. its jaded.. seen it many times so doesnt arouse my fire... best bit of it was turns green next to a better specimen.. ;D ;D
A flight from London to Kano develops faults in Nigerian airspace.
very worried the captain calls the Aminu Kano airport.
"Aminu kano airport this is captain smith reporting flight 007"
"Do you copy?"
Kano tower;- "yes Alhaji Smith we kofi"
British Airways "Flight 007 Reporting technical faults"
Kano tower;- "kai haba!"
British Airways; - "sorry tower couldnt get that"
Kano tower; - "okay phlight 00Seben kan you tune fawa in injin?"
British Airways; - "Negative power in engines dead"
Kano tower;- "Walahi?"
British Airways; - "Negative didnt copy"
Kano Tower;- "Kan you kom down to altitude twenty thousand pit?"
British Airways;- "negative tower, wings wont respond"
Kano tower;- "kai!"
British Airways;- "negative didnt copy that tower"
Kano Tower;- "okay d flane will kom down in som tym due to low injin fawa, ofun yo taya at altidute sis thousan fit, due 1st sebenty digri"
British Airways;- "Negative, cant activate the landing gear"
Kano tower;- 'wayyo!'
British Airways;- "awaiting order, flight 007"
Kano Towers;- "okay refit apfta me"
British Airways;- "okay what?"
Kano Tower;- "ASHADU ANLA ILAHA ILLALAHU, WA ASHADU ANNA
MUHAMMADAN RASULULLAHI!
A flight from London to Kano develops faults in Nigerian airspace.
very worried the captain calls the Aminu Kano airport.
"Aminu kano airport this is captain smith reporting flight 007"
"Do you copy?"
Kano tower;- "yes Alhaji Smith we kofi"
British Airways "Flight 007 Reporting technical faults"
Kano tower;- "kai haba!"
British Airways; - "sorry tower couldnt get that"
Kano tower; - "okay phlight 00Seben kan you tune fawa in injin?"
British Airways; - "Negative power in engines dead"
Kano tower;- "Walahi?"
British Airways; - "Negative didnt copy"
Kano Tower;- "Kan you kom down to altitude twenty thousand pit?"
British Airways;- "negative tower, wings wont respond"
Kano tower;- "kai!"
British Airways;- "negative didnt copy that tower"
Kano Tower;- "okay d flane will kom down in som tym due to low injin fawa, ofun yo taya at altidute sis thousan fit, due 1st sebenty digri"
British Airways;- "Negative, cant activate the landing gear"
Kano tower;- 'wayyo!'
British Airways;- "awaiting order, flight 007"
Kano Towers;- "okay refit apfta me"
British Airways;- "okay what?"
Kano Tower;- "ASHADU ANLA ILAHA ILLALAHU, WA ASHADU ANNA
MUHAMMADAN RASULULLAHI!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
muhahahahahahahahahaha
Allah ya kiyaye Angon 2nd quarter
of the year.
This is one of the best joke in 2008.
NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together
Chris Okotie : Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.
NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep
Chris Okotie : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
I don't get any of the jokes ??? ???
Wani Ustaz ne mai gemu mai yawa yayi aure.Assalamu alaikum,
Rannan ya kusanci matar sai ta ce sam,a'a. 'Yau idan ba aske gemun
nan ka yi ba,to ga kujera can a palo sai dai ka kwana a can,kuma an
daina'.
Dear John.
I want a man who knows what love is all about.
You are generous, kind, thoughtful.
People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men.
I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we are apart.
I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is.
All about you are generous kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you.
Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me.
For other men I yearn.
For you, I have no feelings whatsoever.
When we are apart, I can be forever happy.
Will you let me be?
Yours
Gloria
LOL...Aunty! Thats whats called tit for tat. (am I correct? ???)
Another joke about the Irish!
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
I'm sure this guy married a blonde woman ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Six years gal hit her eye she said" i'm patient now.
Mummy !! do you know what Im fellin to eat ?
1.TEA
2.STEW
3.AND BREAD"
Six years gal hit her eye she said" i'm patient now.
Mummy !! do you know what Im fellin to eat ?
1.TEA
2.STEW
3.AND BREAD"
Ayi mana fassara,ra'isul kanoonline.
There's this drunk out for a walk. He comes to a river and sees another drunk on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' he shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second drunk looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
'You ARE on the other side.'
A young Jamaican father-to-be awakened the village doctor in the middle of the night saying "Doc! Doc! Come fas nuh! Is muh wife man! She water dun brek man! She bout to born de chile!" The doctor came over and told the father "Hold de lamp higher! Hold de lamp higher nuh!" The father obliged, and behold, a baby's cry was soon heard. The father cried out: "Praise de Lard! A boy! I's de proud fadduh of A baby boy!"
The doctor again told the father, "Hold de lamp higher! Hold de lamp highernuh man!". The father again complied, and to be sure, another cry was heard.The father excitedly proclaimed: "Is twins!! I got twins! I's doubly blessed! Glory be to God!"
The doctor instructed, "Hold de lamp higher! Hold de lamp higher nuh!" Sure enough, a THIRD cry was heard! The father, somewhat subdued, in a nervous tone, muttered, "Oh. Thank ya Jesus."
The doctor repeated, "Hold de lamp higher!. Hold de lamp higher nuh man!", and a short while yet a FOURTH cry was heard. The father said nothing, being lost in deep thought.
The doctor for a fifth time commanded "Hold de lamp higher man! Hold the lamp higher nuh!"
The father then asked; "Doc, yuh tink maybe is de light dat attractin' dem?"
Stock Market
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for £10.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at £10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at £20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to £25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at £35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for £50."
The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!
Welcome to the "Stock" Market!!!!!
Mutua left to go help in the Crusades and
decided that his wife Mueni should wear a chastity
belt (steel underwear). So he locks her up and
gives the key to his best friend, Mogaka. He
tells him, "If I'm not back in four years, unlock
my wife and set her free to live a normal life."
So, Mutua leaves on horseback and about a half hour
later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits
for it to come closer and sees Mogaka..
"What's wrong?" He asks. Mogaka replies.
"You gave me the wrong key!"
A man was constantly harassed by his wife for staying outside late at night. He usually gave excuses and the wife would let go of he complaint. One day, te man stayed very very late. So, he walked slowly into the bedroom, being very careful not to wake up the wife. He started removing his Coat, shirt nad trousers. Suddenly, he heard, 'where is your underwear?', his wif shouted! 'I was robbed', he replied to the angry wife who had ben observing his actions ince he entred the bedroom!
A man was constantly harassed by his wife for staying outside late at night. He usually gave excuses and the wife would let go of he complaint. One day, te man stayed very very late. So, he walked slowly into the bedroom, being very careful not to wake up the wife. He started removing his Coat, shirt nad trousers. Suddenly, he heard, 'where is your underwear?', his wif shouted! 'I was robbed', he replied to the angry wife who had ben observing his actions ince he entred the bedroom!
(http://www.vocinelweb.it/faccine/fattedanoi/donia/02.gif)(http://avalonsoftware.org/foro/images/smiles/mano1.gif)
Thumb Down?!
(http://www.vocinelweb.it/faccine/fattedanoi/donia/02.gif)(http://avalonsoftware.org/foro/images/smiles/mano1.gif)
A man was constantly harassed by his wife for staying outside late at night. He usually gave excuses and the wife would let go of he complaint. One day, te man stayed very very late. So, he walked slowly into the bedroom, being very careful not to wake up the wife. He started removing his Coat, shirt nad trousers. Suddenly, he heard, 'where is your underwear?', his wif shouted! 'I was robbed', he replied to the angry wife who had ben observing his actions ince he entred the bedroom!
(http://www.vocinelweb.it/faccine/fattedanoi/donia/02.gif)(http://avalonsoftware.org/foro/images/smiles/mano1.gif)
WHAT DO U MEAN BY THIS HUSNAA?LOL!
Husnaa! There is no copy right breach here! I visited the French Website or can I say spanish! But this is a story from... laughter! Para-phrased?! ;D ;D ;DI'm not talking about you! I'm talking about me.. the thumbs down sign; there were two of them. The author of the second took objection I think. One has to quote the source of the smileys or some such rubbish. It makes it really uncool though to do that.
mallam jibo. how did it happen? tell me, yaushe ya yanki katin lottery? nasan dai ba acikin frusina bane. Did he laugh or he made you laugh?
A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.
The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"
The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie." including kanoonliners.
Kai this thread is just too:- http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk
;D
Dear Sir / Madam RE; REJECT REFUSAL Thank you for your letter dated 25th October, 2008. After careful consideration of the fact set out by the letter, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates you will agree with me that it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. It is only natural that I should decline some of them. Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my rejection criteria. I am able bodied, academically qualified and have an impressive work history.
Therefore I will start work with your company on Thursday 1st May 2009 at 8.00 am without fail. Remuneration shall be negotiated once I commence work. I look forward to seeing you then. Regards,
Hi,
A good laugh for lunch break!!!!
Late in 1994, an 87 year old great-grand father passed on in a village close to Amai, Kwale, Delta State.
The late man’s grandson by name Ufiaka (26 years old and fairly educated) was given some money and asked to travel to Agbor and buy a fine casket for his grand pa’s burial.
Ufiaka left base early and arrived Agbor in good time to purchase the casket and make the return journey same day. He was fortunate to get an open back white coloured Peugeot 404 pickup heading for Amai. He, however, had to ride in the back of the pickup with the casket because two market women travelling to Amai were already seated in front with the driver.
On the home journey, they ran into a heavy rain storm close to Urhonigbe and Ufiaka quickly opened the Casket, laid himself nicely in the well-padded interior, covered the lid and used the folded newspaper he had with him to leave a small opening between the lid and the main body of the white casket to ensure adequate ventilation. The interior of the casket was very comfortable and Ufiaka fell into a very deep sleep.
The rain had subsided at the time the pickup van arrived at Umutu and during a brief stop there, two men travelling to Amai entered the vehicle at the back and the same happened at Obiaruku where a man and a woman travelling also to Amai entered the vehicle. All this while, Ufiaka was enjoying his beauty sleep inside the Casket completely unaware of the new passengers who boarded at Umutu and Obiaruku.
The pickup van arrived Amai just after 5 p.m. and the driver, who was now very hungry, stopped in front of a busy bukataria to have a quick bite before proceeding to the next village. The sudden stoppage and revving of the pickup’s engine woke Ufiaka who then opened the lid of the Casket and rose up.
Trouble! Trouble!! Wahala!!! Katakata!!!!
The passengers in the back of the pickup jumped out of the vehicle from various points and took to their heels in various directions. The people eating in open type bukataria (including the mama-put and her service girls) who saw the white casket open and a ‘ghost’ stop out, ran off all over the place some with balls of eba and akpu in their hands. Ufiaka, seeing people running ‘helter skelter’ was convinced that armed robbers were operating and decided to take-off in the direction three of the passengers, including the women, were running.
When the three passengers realised that Ufiaka was running towards them, they increased speed and shouted ghost, ghost and to further worsen the situation, Ufiaka was dressed in white up and down with white shoes to match that day.
With the shouting of ghost, other people in their homes came out to see what was going on and on seeing people running at high speed all over they joined in the race for dear life and the number just swelled.
The driver and the two market women were running too! When they saw people pointing to Ufiaka that he was the ghost they started laughing at their stupidity for not knowing what they were running from before they started running.
IF NA YOU SEE DE GHOST, WETIN YOU GO DO?
Ko Grace ba! Amma shi Dan gayen fa? Ko dai Dan..... ne yan kankani?!!! ;D ;D ;D ;DDan gayen yayi kama da Kofi dan Ghana!!! ;D ;D ;D
Assalamu alaikum,that's a great one EMTL ;D ;D ;D ;D
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?" The salesman explained "When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And Then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should had!? said the salesman. Didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left"!
WEIRD!!More likely sunyi parpesun kan akuya da suspect din sun bar mai mota yana hamma!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Read zt somewhere......I guessed suspect is still under police custody & yet 2 change into human......Wata kila sai yasha duka!
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
Lol that was gross!! ;D ;D
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
GGNK where is the punchline? ???
Da Alama kamGGNK where is the punchline? ???
That special Warri-created pidgin english. It is a specialty there. When they get into it, not everyone understands them ;)
3) A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got
along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following
questions:...
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on the shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"
Here is one funny turai conversation in Akwa-Ibom:
'You see many people say i have done medicine for my husband,
I did not do any medicine for my Husband.It is only love that is between us'
i encourage you also to love your husbands.
And the when she was about leaving she turned back and said
'don't do medicine for your husbands'
However,ai ba dole bane sai mutum ya iya turanchi.
Infact gaskiya suna kokartawa.
UmmT long time.
I believe Turai is far better then Goodluck Jonathan's wife.
NTA don't bother putting any of her speeches on TV anymore...WAI :-X
Here is one funny turai conversation in Akwa-Ibom:
'You see many people say i have done medicine for my husband,
I did not do any medicine for my Husband.It is only love that is between us'
i encourage you also to love your husbands.
And the when she was about leaving she turned back and said
'don't do medicine for your husbands'
However,ai ba dole bane sai mutum ya iya turanchi.
Infact gaskiya suna kokartawa.
Hehehehehehehehehe! Point taken, we won't "do medicine" for our husbands. Quick question though,
what if they're sick? Hehehehe...[/glow]
Hehehehehehehehehe! Point taken, we won't "do medicine" for our husbands. Quick question though,
what if they're sick? Hehehehe...[/glow]
Simple. Take them to asibiti. Tace 'don't do medicine', ke kuma kina neman ki kawo wani surkulle? ::) ;D
@ fateez, Ni i would not even mind if i don't know how to speak any language at all.
As far as i will be the first lady and my account go dey shine.....su cinye turancin su.
Hehe! Will that explain why her husband is regularly being flown out of the country for medical treatment?
When he falls sick or gets discharged she doesn't do medicine for him and so he falls sick again?
hmmmm.... one can only wonder.
UmmT long time.
I believe Turai is far better then Goodluck Jonathan's wife.
NTA don't bother putting any of her speeches on TV anymore...WAI :-X
Here is one funny turai conversation in Akwa-Ibom:
'You see many people say i have done medicine for my husband,
I did not do any medicine for my Husband.It is only love that is between us'
i encourage you also to love your husbands.
And the when she was about leaving she turned back and said
'don't do medicine for your husbands'
However,ai ba dole bane sai mutum ya iya turanchi.
Infact gaskiya suna kokartawa.
A tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. “dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, by friend,” said the trader, “only one hundred pounds.”
“No thank you,” said the tourist. “It’s far too expensive.”
“How ‘bout dis one, my friend?” said the street trader, producing a small skull.
“Whose skull is that?”
“dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!”
;D ;D ;D ;D
Haba Danborno meye na ihu don an ce ka debo goruba i believed zaka iya cinyewa wit out much prob.afterall duk tsamin yakuwa kana iya dibanta.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
> given their new wives duties.
>
> Terry had married a woman from USA and bragged that he had told his wife
> she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
> He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came
> home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
>
> Jimmie had married a woman from France . He bragged that he had given
> his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
> cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
> the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
> dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
>
> The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her
> that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry
> and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on
> the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything,
> the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the
> swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye,
> just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and hang
> out a load of washing
>
>
> God Bless Scottish Women........
God created the donkey
and said to him.
"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset
carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass,
you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."
The donkey answered:
"I will be a donkey, but to live 50years is much. Give me only 20years"
God granted his wish.
God created the dog
and said to him:
"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.
You will eat the scraps that he gives you and
you will live 30years.
You will be a dog. "
The dog answered:
"Sir, to live 30years is too much,give me only15 years.
" God granted his wish.
God created the monkey
and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live
20 years. "
The monkey
answered:
"To live 20years is too much, give me only 10years."
God granted his wish.
Finally God created man...
and said to him:
"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.
You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.
You will dominate the world and you will live 20years."
Man responded:
"Sir, I will be a man but to live only
20 years is very little,
give me the 30years that the donkey refused,
the 15years that the dog did not want and
the 10years the monkey refused.
" God granted man's wish ................................................................
And since then, man lives
20 years as a man ,
marries and spends
30 years like a donkey,
working and carrying all the burdens on his back.
Then when his children are grown,
he lives 15years like a dog taking care of the house
and eating whatever is given to him,
so that when he is old,
he can retire and live 10years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or
daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
That's Life.
Tankurunkus, wanda yaji tsoro a kansa.
gogannaka, i go book executive room at neuro-psy
in maiduguri
A pretty woman was serving life sentence in prison. Angry and resentful about her situation, she had decided that she would rather die than to live another year in prison.
Over the years she had become good friends with one of the prison caretakers. His job, among others, was to bury those prisoners who died in a graveyard just outside the prison walls.
When a prisoner died, the caretaker rang a bell, which was heard by everyone. The caretaker then got the body and put it in a casket. Next, he entered his office to fill out the death certificate before returning to the casket to nail the lid shut. Finally, he put the casket on a wagon to take it to the graveyard and bury it.
Knowing this routine, the woman devised an escape plan and shared it with the caretaker. The next time the bell rang, the woman would leave her cell and sneak into the dark room where the coffins were kept. She would slip into the coffin with the dead body while the caretaker was filling out the death certificate.. When the care-taker returned, he would nail the lid shut and take the coffin outside the prison with the woman in the coffin along with the dead body. He would then bury the coffin. The woman knew there would be enough air for her to breathe until later in the evening when the caretaker would return to the graveyard under the cover of darkness, dig up the coffin, open it, and set her free.
The caretaker was reluctant to go along with this plan, but since he and the woman had become good friends over the years, he agreed to do it. The woman waited several weeks before someone in the prison died. She was asleep in her cell when she heard the death bell ring. She got up and slowly walked down the hallway. She was nearly caught a couple of times. Her heart was beating fast.
She opened the door to the darkened room where the coffins were kept. Quietly in the dark, she found the coffin that contained the dead body, carefully climbed into the coffin and pulled the lid shut to wait for the caretaker to come and nail the lid shut.
Soon she heard footsteps and the pounding of the hammer and nails. Even though she was very uncomfortable in the coffin with the dead body, she knew that with each nail she was one step closer to freedom.
The coffin was lifted onto the wagon and taken outside to the graveyard. She could feel the coffin being lowered into the ground. She didn't make a sound as the coffin hit the bottom of the grave with a thud.
Finally she heard the dirt dropping onto the top of the wooden coffin, and she knew that it was only a matter of time until she would be free at last. After several minutes of absolute silence, she began to laugh. She was free! She was free!
Feeling curious, she decided to light a match to find out the identity of the dead prisoner beside her. To her horror, she discovered that she was lying next to the dead caretaker...
women can be serious
(http://<a href="http://s159.photobucket.com/albums/t124/busuguma/?action-view¤t=notinthemood.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i159.photobucket.com/albums/t124/busuguma/notinthemood.jpg" border="0" alt="kanoonline.com"></a>)
Hahaha, she was eating cat food all along.believe it or not alot of those women had to tolarate it as a way of keeping d men at home.
The memo got me laughing all day.
Thank God nowadays they watch football too.
WHICH PEOPLE????????
Wife goes to the supermarket and buys her husband a dozen underwear of the same colour.
When she returns home and gives him his present, the husband is thrilled till he opens the parcel. Then he protests:
“Why buy me same colour? People will think I do not change underwear!”
The wife asks: “Which people?”
ha ha, nice one. next time u r visiting, FAST, ll saves alot of time n annoyance.really nice one! but Ummutameem, fasting may not save you....
ha ha, nice one. next time u r visiting, FAST, ll saves alot of time n annoyance.really nice one! but Ummutameem, fasting may not save you....
Question: what would you like to have, fruit juice, soda, tea, chocolate, cappuccino, frapuccino or coffee?
Answer: Nothing. I'm fasting
Question: Will you like to wait in the living room, in the garden or by the swimming pool?
Answer: living room please
Question: Will you like to watch the TV, listen to radio, read newspapers or magazines?
Answer: TV will be fine
Question: Satellite or local channels
Answer: Just give me the remote
Question: Which remote: TV, DSTV, Hi-TV, Satellite receiver or external antenna?
Answer: Thanks. Just say I came in briefly. Bye.