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Member Showcase => chit-chat => Topic started by: bakangizo on May 04, 2005, 04:02:01 PM

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on May 04, 2005, 04:02:01 PM

Right. Shouldn't we liven the place a bit? A bit of humour now and then would be welcomed, so if you have a good joke, let's share in the laughter :D
Let's kick-off:

The Gender War

A teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la maison". "Pencil," however, is masculine: "le crayon".

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?". Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender, "la computer", because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine, "le computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on May 09, 2005, 11:48:53 AM

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Anonymous on May 10, 2005, 04:32:14 PM

Do Men Lose Memory Fast:?

As Mr. Etim was browsing through an old newspaper, he read aloud to his wife a news item about men losing their memory faster than women do. "It must be true", she said. "That's the second time time you are reading that article to me".


Seeing things:

A woman walks into a medical store to return a pair of glasses she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, Madam", asked the attendant. "I'am returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way".

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on May 10, 2005, 04:41:16 PM

Oops! Posted the above without logging on.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on May 13, 2005, 09:23:43 PM

LOL......nice one's bakan gizo.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on May 13, 2005, 10:04:45 PM

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!'"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Anonymous on May 16, 2005, 09:14:31 AM

Quote from: "gogannaka"

After dying in
...The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!'"

Well, can't blame the guy. :lol:  Here's another one:

Make the monkey laugh.

During a monkey circus show, the show presenter challenged the audience that there's a price for whoever make the monkey laugh and cry. There's an even bigger price if you can make the monkey run and enter its cage. No one took up the challenge. Then after a few minutes, a haggard, scraggy looking gentleman raised up his hand and climbed up the stage. He went up to the monkey and whisphered something in its ears. The monkey laughed. He said something again and everyone was suprised to see the monkey crying.

The man finally leaned closer to the monkey, whispered some few more words and, to the shock of the show presenter, the monkey screeched, bursted out and into its cage looking scared. The presenter went up to the man asked, "Bros, wetin you tell am wey im laugh?".
The man said, "well, I just tell am say I dey work for Nigeria Railway Corporation".
Presenter: "I see. Now wetin you tell am wey dey make am cry?"
The man: "No. Me I only tell am the salary wey dem de pay me".
Presenter: "No wonder! Now, Bros can you tell us wetin you tell the monkey wey make am run?"
The man:" I no tell am anything oo!"
Presenter: "C'mon Bros tell me now!"
Man:"Anyway, I just tell say vacancy dey, make im apply".

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on May 16, 2005, 10:42:29 AM

Posted without logging on again. :?

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on May 16, 2005, 11:17:52 PM

Hope u dont 4get you password someday.

These are some Real 9-1-1 Calls, Believe It or Not

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

--

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.

--

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one

Caller: Hi, is this the police?

Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?

Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

--

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency?

Called: Fire, I guess.

Dispatcher: How can I help you, sir?

Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?

Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?

Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and....well.... do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?

Dispatcher: Help you what?

Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

--

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

--

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband.

--

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one.

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No.

Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the police

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on May 18, 2005, 12:50:05 PM

Quote from: "gogannaka"

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband.

That was good :lol:

GSM
When the “Power State” got connected on the GSM network, It was more than obsession especially for the Nupe man and somehow, they did pay for it. One day a Nupe man came into work with both of his ears bandaged. His boss asked him what happened to his ears. "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when my GSM phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the cellphone!" "Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?" "They called back!"

Rent
A big,burly man from the western part of Nigeria visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam", he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this area. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to N14,000.00. "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the Lanlord", he sobbed.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on May 20, 2005, 06:15:03 PM

We dey too!

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000
years ago.
So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists
dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists
have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that
their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000
years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After
digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found
absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their
ancestors were already using wireless!!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on June 18, 2005, 09:48:24 PM

Teacher: You Boy, spell plantain Boy: Whish one? The ripe one or the unripe one? Teacher: What difference does it make? Just spell plantain! Boy: Teasha, If you fry the ripe one na 'DODO', if you fry the unripe one na 'SHIPS' if you roast am, na 'BOLE' All of them na plantain, so whish one you wan make I spell?

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on June 22, 2005, 03:24:29 PM

It Pays to be a Nigerian!

A man dies and was sent to hell. On arrival at the gate of hell, he went straight to the American Hell asked how it is and was told, "they put you on an electric chair, feed you boiling sewage and the American Devil comes in and whip you 12 hours a day". The man decides he does not like that and checked out the Russian, German and Japanese Hells and found out that they were all like the American Hell.

Curiously, he noticed a long line of people waiting and struggling to enter Nigerian Hell. Suprised, the man asked what goes on in there and was told, "they first put you on an electric chair, feed you boiling sewage and the Nigerian Devil comes in and whip you 12 hour a day".  "But that's just like the other hells", said the man. Came the reply, "well, there's never electricity so the chair does not work. The contractor failed to supply the sewage while the Nigerian Devil is a former civil servant; he comes in in the morning, signs the attendance register and off he goes for his personal business".

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on June 23, 2005, 10:57:48 PM

An American man and a Nigerian
>
>
>A Nigerian and an American man are sitting next to
each other on a
>long flight from London to New York.
>
>The American man leans over to the Nigerian and asks
if he would
>like to play a fun game.
>
>The Nigerian just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and
>rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
>
>The American man persists and explains that the game
is real easy
>and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a
question, and if you
>don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me
a question,
>and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
>
>Again, the Nigerian politely declines and tries to
get to sleep.
>
>The American man , now somewhat agitated, says, "OK,
if you don't
>know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know
the answer, I'll
>pay you $100!"
>
>This catches the Nigerian's attention, and he sees no
end to this
>torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
>
>The American asks the first question. "What's the
distance from the
>earth to the moon?" The Nigerian doesn't say a word,
but reaches
>into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and
hands it to the
>American.
>
>Now, it's the Nigerian's turn. He asks the American
"What goes up a
>hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
>
>The American looks up at him with a puzzled look. He
takes out his
>laptop computer and searches all of his references.
He taps into the
>Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the
Library of
>Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his
co-workers-all to no
>avail.
>
>After about an hour, he wakes the Nigerian and hands
him $100. The
>Nigerian politely takes the $100 and turns away to
try to get back
>to sleep. The American, more than a little miffed,
shakes the
>Nigerian and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the
>Nigerian reaches into his wallet, hands the American
$5, and turns
>away to get back to sleep.


So how do U assess the Nigerian?.............

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: mlbash on June 24, 2005, 02:50:57 PM

PILOTS PROBLEM


An aero plane is flying over the United States at night.

The pilot says "Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude

and all the baggage must be thrown out."

A little later, the pilot says "We're still losing altitude,

we must throw anything out that is in the cabin". Despite more

things being thrown out the plane continues its descent.

(Pilot) "Still going down - we must throw out some people".

There's a big gasp from the passengers!

(Pilot)"But to make this fair passengers will be thrown out in

alphabetical order... so

(Pilot) "A.... any Africans on board?" No one moves

(Pilot) "B...any Blacks on board?" No one moves.

(Pilot) "C....any Caribbean's on board?" Still no one moves.

(Little black boy - asking his dad) "Dad,...what are we?

(Dad) "Tonight son, we're Zulus

__________________________________________________

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on June 29, 2005, 02:51:51 PM

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to
be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get
it wrong

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummita on July 01, 2005, 03:23:23 PM

THROUGH THICK AND THIN
A man who had a terminal disease and was about to die said this to his wife who was holding his hand at that time.  "Darling ever since I married you just like the reverend said during our wedding; you,ve always been beside me. After our wedding when a car knocked me down while crossing the road, you were by my side until I recovered fully. When I was fired from my job as an executive from shell, you were right beside me and you consoled me throughout. Even when I lost all our savings on that business that went wrong, you were there beside me, and you know what dear?

Wife in between sobs answers yes my love?  Husband says "I think you are bad luck!

WONDERS SHALL NEVER END!
A woman holding a baby gets on a bus . The bus driver looks at them and says, "d*mn! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen"

In a huff, the woman slams her money into the fare box and goes to the rear of the bus . Then man seated next to her sees she 's agitated and asks what's wrong.
"The Bus driver insulted me " she fumes. That's outrageous!" Says the man "He 's a public servant and should not be insulting passengers" "Your are right ," the woman says, I think I'll go there and give him a piece of my mind"

" That's a good idea", says the man. "I'll hold your monkey".

HEAVY DUTY
One night, a pastor was going 4 night vigil.He meet some policemen on his way, they stopped him and asked for his particulars, he showed them. Then they asked 4 for his fire extinguisher, he showed them. Because they were determined to collect bribe from him and he was not ready to give them, they then asked him: " why are u driving alone at this time of the night?" He  answered and said: "I am not alone, God the father, the son, the holy spirit is with me, all angels in heaven are present here, the forty elders in heaven are present here in this car". The the policemen said "I will therefore charge you fpr over loading".


TWO BOYS AND GOD
Two young boys were forever getting into trouble?..disrupting classes in school, teasing neighborhood children, taking what didn?t belong to them. One day their mother asked the pastor over to see if he could talk some sense into them. Rather than threaten or reprimand them, the pastor decided on a more subtle approach. He would try to help the boys see that God is everywhere, that He is aware of everything and is displeased when they acted wrongly. But the pastor wanted the boys to come to this conclusion on their own, so he began by asking some questions. ?Young men,? he intoned after having the boys sit down, ?I have a question for you. Where is God?? The two boys just sat there, unsure how to answer.

?Where is God?? the preacher repeated, a bit more firmly. ?Surely you know the answer to a simple question like that!? The boys remained silent, too frightened to speak.

?I?ll ask you one more time,? the pastor said, this time even more firmly, ?WHERE IS GOD??

At that, the older boy jumped up and grabbed his brother. ?c?mon, let?s get out of here!? he whispered. ?God?s missing? and they think we did it!?

DIVIDING PECANS
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence.
One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of
sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one

for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan
and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his
bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and
the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the
boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence
they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man
whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil
himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see
anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence
tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you.
That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say that the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

PHONE CALLS FROM HELL
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Abacha died and all went straight to h*ll.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England, I want to call England and see how everybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked "Well devil how much do I owe you for the call? The devil replied, "Five million dollars" She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.

Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too" He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked, "Well,devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied, "Ten million dollars" With a smug look on his face, and feeling more important than the English, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.

Obasanjo was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call Nigeria too, I want to see how everybody is doing there too. I wanna talk to the ministers, the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody". He called Nigeria and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked, "Well, devil how much do I owe you for my long call? The devil replied "One dollar!". Obasanjo is stunned & queries the devil. "One dollar??? Only one dollar ke??"
The devil replied. "Well, when you make a call from one h*ll to another h*ll, we bill it at a local rate".

NIGERIA AIRWAYS FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT
In Flight announcement "Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain (Boneyface Kasali Yaro) welcoming you on board of Nigeria Airways.

We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery.

This is flight 126 to Lagos. Landing in Lagos is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the South. If luck is in our favour, we may even be landing on your village!

Nigeria Airways has an excellent safety-record. In fact our safety standards are so high that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure, I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off! To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary Bongo tea and Okin biscuits! For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Air Barka, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your set-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat ... and for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase."

And if we pass your street pls tell the stewardess or shout Owa O Pilot !! so we can throw you off safely, at least that would save you Taxi fare.

ENJOY Nigeria Airways teh Best in the world ! We hope you fly with us again.


MOMMY N CHILD
A few days after christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with is new electric train he got for christmas in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said *toot*toot*,  All of you sons of bitches who wants off, get the h*ll off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause were going down the track.

The mother went nuts and told her son, well dont use that kind of language in this house, now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When u come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resume playing with the train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son says *toot*toot* All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you, we thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. She hears the little boy continue, for those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of ur hand luggage under ur seat, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope u will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mother began to smile, the child added, for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOURS delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

Title: devilish joke
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on July 02, 2005, 11:40:56 PM

Two cripples were sitting in a bar one day. One had a very bad hump and the other had a deformed club foot.
They got a little drunk, it was very late so they set off homewards. The hunchback found the walk a bit tiring and said to his friend limping along beside him
"I'm very tired. I think I'll take short-cut home through the graveyard. Are you coming"
"Oh no" said his friend with the bad foot. "I'm frightened to go through the cemetary in the dark."
"Suit yourself" said the hunchback,climbing over the cermetary gates. As he made his way across the graveyard the wind rose and the moon went behind the clouds. Suddenly there was a flash of lightning and a black caped figure suddenly appeared before him.
"Who are you?" screamed the hunchback in terror.
"I am the devil" said the figure. "I am the great Satan, here in the graveyard collecting the souls of the wicked and the damned."
Please sir, I'm not dead yet" pleaded the hunchback. "And I wont be wicked again if you let me go."
The devil looked at him for a minute. " Ahem" he said "I suppose so. I've got plenty souls already tonight." He looked closely athe hunchback. "What's that you've got on your back?" Satan asked.
"It's a terrible hump" said the hunchback. "I've always had it."
"Do you want it?" asked the Devil
" I'd be overjoyed to be rid off it" said the hunchback.
The devil puts his hands on the hunchback's back, there was a whooshing sound and the hunchback sufddendly felt himself straight backed. There was another flash of lightning and Satan disappeared.

Next night in the bar the ex-hunchback was sitting having a beer when his friends with the deformed foot came in.
"My God" said his friend " Where's your big hump gone?"
"You'll not believe this" said the ex-hunchback in reply "but I met the Devil in the graveyard and he took my hump away."
"The man with the club foot thought for a minute then said "I wonder if the Devil might fix my bad foot?"
"Worth a try" said his friend so on the way home this night the man with the club foot was helped over the graveyard gate by his friend.
The same thing happened. High wind. Flash of lightning. Satan appears.
After a short conversation Satan says. "What's wrong with your foot, my friend?"
Great thought the cripple. He's going to sort me out.
"It's a club foor, sir" he replied "I've had it since I was born. It's a terrible nuisance."
"Have you got a hump?" said the devil.
"No" said the man
There was a whooshing noise and he felt the devil's hands on his back.
"You have now" laughed the devil and disappeared giggling loudly at the next flash of lightning

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on July 05, 2005, 01:51:18 PM

Good ones Ummita :lol:


The Fastest Thing.
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT.
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asks the second man.

"Hmm...let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye...that's a
very popular clichi for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's farm house, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same
question. The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous
answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I
wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on July 05, 2005, 09:06:56 PM

While on vacation,a man was playin golf with his wife on a beach.He hits a ball so hard which flies into a nearby beach house.
He then hurriedly goes up to the house to apologize.On reaching the house he sees a broken window and an open front door.
Entering into the house,he sees a man lying down on a couch,a broken bottle lay on the floor beside him.

He starts to apologize"Im so sorry I broke your window and I'm willing to pay for the damages".
The man waves off his apology and says"actually,I should be thanking you.you see I'm a genie and I've been held prisoner in this bottle for over 100years.In appreciation I grant you 3 wishes".
The vacationer can't believe his luck,and quickly wishes for houses all over the world,money and cars.
The genie says "no problem,but before I grant your wishes I need one favour"
Man replies "anything"
Genies says "I'v been locked up for so long I havn't had sex in years.Allow me have sex with your wife and y'll rich beyond ur dreams.
So the man manages to convince his wife to have sex with the ginie,they go upstairs for half an hour of hot passionate sex after which the genie asks the woman"so how old is your husband anyway?"
she replies"forty".man says "and he believes in genies?!"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on July 14, 2005, 03:03:29 PM

Assertive Naija Woman
At the 1997 World Women's Conference, te first speaker, from England, stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.  Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb". The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up.  "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had not only done his own washing but mine as well".  The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Nigeria stood up. "After last year conference I go house and tell my husband say I no go do im cooking, cleaning or go market for am again, and dat he go dey do am imself. After the first day I no see anything, the second day I see notin. But after the third day, as the swelling begin go down, I start to see small small from my left eye".

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on July 18, 2005, 02:57:27 PM

A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolished. The woman said, "This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The man replied, "What a great idea; I just happen to have a bottle with me." With this he handed it to the man. The man downed half the bottle and handed it back. The woman would not take it back and said, "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate."


kunga sharin na-mace ko? :twisted:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: sa salati on July 21, 2005, 06:42:29 PM

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.  :lol:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on July 23, 2005, 10:12:02 PM

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"
 :shock:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on August 01, 2005, 03:30:01 PM

A Yoruba Man was sitting with an Ibo man and a Hausa man in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden the police entered and arrested them. They were initially given a death sentence but, as it was a national holiday, the sheikh decided they should be released after each receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh said, "It's my first wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping, but you cannot wish not to be whipped!"
 
The Hausa man thought for a second then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back before whipping." This was done but the pillow lasted 10 lashes.
 
The Ibo man saw this and said:  "Please tie two pillows to my back before whipping." This was done and lasted for the whole 20 lashes.
 
The Yoruba Man saw this, but before he could make his wish, the sheikh said: "As you share the same ethnicity with the president of your country, you are permitted to have two wishes!"
 
The Yoruba Man thought for a second and then said: "Thank you, most royal and merciful highness. My first wish is to receive 100 lashes with the strongest, toughest whip available." "If you so desire," the sheikh replied with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?" "Tie the Ibo man to my back."

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on August 07, 2005, 09:19:19 PM

Here's another Yoruba one:

An Ondo village woman took her case to the village Chief to report that the village school teacher had raped her.

Following is the dialogue that took place;

Woman: Mo ro ran, Baba. E wa gba mi.!
(I am in trouble, please help me!!)

Chief: Emi lo sele?
(What happened?)

Woman: Oga tisha lo fagidi ba mi lopo, baba.
(The village teacher raped me)

Chief: E o,.....moku. Ko tifo? Asakasa. O mi sha la ye, ohun mi sele
(Oh my goodness!. What did you say? This is an abomination. Explain how this happened?)

Woman: Mo mi kiri oja lori ate ni, Oga tisa koya pemi wonu ile, iko omi fera oja.
(As I was hawking my wares, the teacher called me into his house under the guise he wanted to buy something I was selling)

Woman: Mo mi wole to o, oga tisha ya ba le mi. Mo mi wo, me soro.
(I entered the house and the teacher quickly grabbed me. I just watched him, but didn't utter a word)

Woman: Omi kenu bomi lenu. Momi wo, me soro.
(Next thing I knew, he started kissing me. I watched him, but didn't say anything)

Woman: O mo wo lemi laya, o si te omu aya mi. Mo mi wo, me soro.
(He put his hands on my boobs and caressed them. I watched him, but still did'nt utter a word)

Woman: Iba le kewu mi soke, me wo, me soro.
(He then lifted up my skirt, yet I didn't utter a single word or resist)

Woman: Iba le bo sokoto, gbe mi sori ibusun. Me wo, me soro.
(He then undid his shorts, lifted me up and placed me on the bed. Still, I watched him)

Woman: Iba le wole si mi lara, oya yi mi lata faka fiki faka fiki. Me wo, me soro
(He got on top of me and he started having sex with me. Even then, I did not utter a single word)

The Chief was becoming very irritated and exasperated at this stage.

Chief: Duro lube! Igba wo gan koya soro.
(Enough! Stop there! When did you actually talk to voice your protest?)

Woman: Ha Baba, Igba ke han kedere simi pe mo fa rakun ni.
(My Chief,..When it dawned on me that I was pregnant!!!)

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on August 08, 2005, 06:28:18 PM

A man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he would like a bottle of Christian Dior for his wife?s birthday.
?A little surprise eh?? said the clerk.
?You bet,? replied the man. ?She is expecting a cruise.? 8)

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Nuruddeen on August 09, 2005, 01:15:30 PM

Kai wannan abin dariya da yawa yake. Har su gogannaka awanna sheke ayar????? To aci gaba dai mu kuma muyi ta kyakatawa

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: beautilicious on August 09, 2005, 09:35:15 PM

lol :lol:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on August 11, 2005, 02:35:28 PM

Nigerian Police
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.  The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it. The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". >--------------------------

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on August 23, 2005, 03:53:04 PM

Wedding Ring:
The smallest handcuff in the world.

Son: Dad, how much does it cost to get married:
Dad: I don't really know, my son, but I am still paying for it.

Politician:
A voter to politician seeking vote: I would rather vote for the devil than vote for you.

Politicia: Since your candidate (devil) is not contesting this time, will you not consider my case sympathetically?

Wife/Husband:
Wife (in court to judge): Sir, I just want him to leave me as he found me.

Judge: That may be a little difficult, but how did he find you?

Wife: I was a widow.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on September 20, 2005, 08:45:06 PM

UWARGIDA: Maigida!!....Maigida!!...kaji wannan yariskar mai aikinan tayicikin shege?!

MAIGIDA:Wan nan matsalar tace

UWARGIDA:Ta ce wai kai kayimata cikin!!!

MAIGIDA:Wan nan matsala ta ce

UWARGIDA:Tunda abin haka ne,ni zanyi yaji na tafi gidanmu.
MAIGIDA:Wannan kuma matalar ki ce!!!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on November 27, 2005, 02:38:05 AM

WHAT MAKES U AN "AFRICAN"???
1. You un wrap all your gifts carefully, so that you
can reuse the wrapper.
2. You call a person you've never met before uncle or
aunt.
3. More than 90% of the music CD's and cassettes in
your home are illegal copies
4. Your garage is always full of stuff because you
never throw anything away, just in case you need it
someday.(a gum boot without a partner and the baby
walker - baby's now 12 and you are 48)
5. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottle
from your stays at hotels. (Go cool, Sweet heart,
African pride....)
6. You have almost always carried overweight baggage
when traveling by plane.
7. If a store has a limit on the quantity of a
product, then each member of the family will join
separate queues to purchase the maximum quantity
possible. (Sugar, soap, rice, cooking fat etc during
old good days)
8. All children have annoying nicknames.
9. Nobody in your family informs you that they are
coming over for a visit. (Uncle, wife, sis-in-law,
two nephews and a neighbour) have camped at home.
10. You stuff your pockets with, mints and toothpicks
at restaurants. (Murray mints, wrappers, and salt
shakers!)
11. Your mother has a minor disagreement with her
sister and does not talk to her for 10 years.
12. You only make telephone calls at a cheaper rate
at night (especially beepers).
13. You never have less than 20 people to meet you at
the airport or see you off even if it is a local
flight.
14. You keep changing your Internet Service provide
because the first month is free. (I know some people
O  ...)
15. Office supplies mysteriously find their way to
your home.(Yes, staple machine, office pins, punch
machine, cello tapes, post-its, etc.)
16. When you are young, your parents buy you clothes
and shoes at least two sizes too big so that they
would last longer.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on November 28, 2005, 01:06:06 PM

That was really good, zizo.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Nabulsi on December 09, 2005, 05:54:24 PM

Hey guyz read this one!


                                       Sign Board

The Smart Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.

But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I dont care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!"

So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said,

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "Youve got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said,

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.

Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day.

He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."

And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.

"Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY ***

Go slow and watch out for the chicks------------

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on December 13, 2005, 07:15:39 PM

LOL

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on December 22, 2005, 12:42:09 PM

Quote from: "Nabulsi"

Hey guyz read this one!


                                       Sign Board

The Smart Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway...


NUDIST COLONY ***

Go slow and watch out for the chicks------------

Excellent. I haven't read the thread for days so I've not seen this. :lol:  More pls.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on January 03, 2006, 09:17:15 PM

LOL

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on January 04, 2006, 11:17:44 AM

Colin Powell walks into George Bush's office to deliver the latest reports from Iraq:

"I regret to inform you Mr President that 3 brazilian soldiers were killed in a suicide bomb attack yesterday"
On hearing this news george bush breaks down into tears, he's unconsolable, crying into his arm.
"sir your compassion astounds me" says Colin
George can barely talk but fighting back the tears he says "Colin thats terrible news...but to clear one thing up....exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on January 18, 2006, 02:47:16 PM

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much
as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,
beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to
the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed
alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into
her room for the night. He was careful to keep everything quiet
so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read,
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy and easy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the rock up, walked over to the window and threw the
rock out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture
2: Rock tied to left  t*st*cle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting
close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than
castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right  t*st*cle  tied to bedpost."

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on January 19, 2006, 01:42:05 AM

Nice joke, Bakan Gizo
 Here's another one.

A traveller got lost late at night and had to put up in a small hotel in the middle of nowhere.
When he asked for a room the landlord told him he didn't have room left but he could share a large bed with an old resident he had. That was all the room he had.
The traveller reluctantly agreed on the condidtion he would give some money to the old guy he was to share a bed with.
"The only problem is that the old guy snores very loudly" said the landlord.
"That's okay" said the traveller.
In the morning the landlord asked the traveller "Did you manage to get a good night's sleep? Did the old guy snoring keep you awake?"
"No problem" said the traveller  "No snoring. I slept like a baby. I gave the old guy a big kiss when I got into bed and he stayed awake all night watching me!"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on January 19, 2006, 12:23:41 PM

theChinese joke was WICKED BG.
Nice1 also Dave.
Here 's another1:
Three drunkards were walking down the street when they came upon a pile of manure where they stopped. The first drunkard, upon observation of the manure said to the other two, "Looks like it...? the second, bending over it and sniffing, said to the other two, "smells like it..." the third, sticking his finger in it, said, "feels like it". "Good thing we didn't step in it", they all agreed as they turned and walked away.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: kitkat on January 19, 2006, 07:44:04 PM

Drunk Scotsman (No offense meant dave)



A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of alcohol at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walking down the road heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.

After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said, "I dinna know where ya been laddie...but it's nice ta know ya won first prize!"
 :D  :D

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on January 23, 2006, 05:09:22 PM

ROVER

A young man went to a house to pick up his blind
date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father
invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad
sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his
newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped
onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger.
Suddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart
and didn't know what to do, however, since the
dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and
feign innocence.
"Brrroough," went the fart! Dad peered over his
newspaper and said, "Rover! Get off that couch!"
The young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad
thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another
fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let
it rip, assured that Rover would once again be
blamed.
Sure enough, Dad peered over his newspaper and
said more sharply, "Rover! I said get off the
couch!"
Happily, the young man decided that he could fart
whenever the urge arose and he let yet another
one fly.
Finally, Dad threw down his newspaper in disgust
and bellowed, "Rover! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OFF
THAT COUCH BEFORE HE S.H.I.T.T.S ON YOU!!!"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: precious on January 24, 2006, 01:14:47 PM

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but
discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son - to
use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who was
at site. After Junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform
her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times
he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Men!!)
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site,
immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap. While
the man was trying to ask why, she repeated the slap. People from
the neighborhood rushed over to know the cause of this. The man
asked Junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he
called, Junior said:
 "The number u are trying to call Is not reachable at the
moment. Pls Try again later"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on January 24, 2006, 01:27:23 PM

Quote from: "mudacris"

ROVER
...Finally, Dad threw down his newspaper in disgust
and bellowed, "Rover! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OFF
THAT COUCH BEFORE HE S.H.I.T.T.S ON YOU!!!"

That was nice :lol:

LOL at Precious also. Amma in ni ne mutumin nan sai na rama marin.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on March 03, 2006, 10:33:54 AM

What Fate


Once upon a time there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words. One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5). But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on March 31, 2006, 12:50:24 PM

A man is walking home alone one night when he hears a bump, bump, bump behind him. Walking faster he looks back and can make out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the road towards him: bump it goes, bump, BUMP. Terrified the man runs towards his house, the coffin bounces after him faster, FASTER, bump, bump, bump. He runs up to the door fumbles with the key, opens the door rushes in and locks it behind him. However, the coffin crashes through the door, its lid clapping dementedly, clappity bump, CLAPPITY BUMP, hot on the heels of the terrified man. He rushes upstairs to the bathroom,locks himself in. His heart is pumping, his head is reeling, his breath is mixed with sobs and gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door, bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams in horror and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of Benylin in the medicine cabinet. Desperate he throws the bottle at the coffin...

...and wait for it...



...THE COUGHING STOPS! :lol:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on April 01, 2006, 11:05:36 AM

Quote from: "precious"

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who was at site..........

WOMEN!!!

Quote from: "Bakan~Gizo"

A man is walking home alone one night when he hears a bump, bump, bump behind him......

Good1 LOLOLOL.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on April 14, 2006, 02:34:46 PM

How about this one.
Two young women are out playing golf. one of them tees off and slices her shot onto the adjacent fairway where it hits a male golfer who collapses in agony.
She runs over and finds the man in foetal position, groaning and clutching his hand into his groin.
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me help you" the young woman cries " I'm a nurse"
The man resists and continues groaning.
"I can give you a soothing massage" insists the woman.
The man rolls over still groaning.
The women lifts his hands away from his groin, zips down his flies , slips her hand in and proceeds to gently massage.
"How does that feel?" she askes after a few minutes
"That feels great" says the man " but my thumb still hurts like hell where your golf ball hit it!"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on April 17, 2006, 08:33:31 PM

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on April 18, 2006, 09:31:26 AM

LOL @ zizo. :lol:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on April 18, 2006, 05:12:28 PM

LOL ! ! ! Nice one zizo.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on April 20, 2006, 01:26:53 PM

Here is a fofular one:

A boy asked his father "Daddy, how was I born?" Dad answered: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said You've Got Male!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on April 22, 2006, 05:16:36 PM

Here is anozer one:

"...Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up!! Quick! My husband is back." Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts his back, and then realizes: "Damn, I'm the husband!" 'Who is guilty' in this situation? ? ?

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on April 23, 2006, 07:36:57 PM

Quote from: "muda"

'Who is guilty' in this situation? ? ?

u cud say its 1-1.very nice 1 muda.i hope d story wasnt inspired by real life (1st-hand)x-perience.LOL
PLs laff @ dis 1.
During a simulated attack, the troops have to defend themselves against an imaginary enemy, as the sergeant calls it. Bawling out orders, he notices that one recruit shows little response. ?You there,? the sergeant shouts, ?the imaginary enemy is advancing, and your are caught in the crossfire. Action!? The recruit takes two steps to one side.
?What are you doing, man?? Yells the sergeant, purple with fury. ?I?m taking shelter behind an imaginary tree, Sergeant,? answers the recruit calmly.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on May 14, 2006, 06:08:41 PM

An old Arab man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Abdul, who used to help him, was being held by the FBI for aiding and abetting terrorists.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Abdul,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Your Dad, Mohammad.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.:
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don?t dig up that garden, that's where I buried the biological weapons.
Love, Abdul.

At 4a.m. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any weapons. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under  the circumstances.

Love,Abdul.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on May 22, 2006, 07:54:40 PM

History
>
Year  1981
1. Prince Charles got  married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Pope  Died.


Year  2005
1. Prince Charles got  married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)
3. Pope  Died.

In Future, if Charles wants to re-marry and Liverpool needs another  crown
POOR POPE!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on June 06, 2006, 06:29:44 PM

A man checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in his room,so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.  
 
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer
screen which Read: >>
 
To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: June 3, 2005
 
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been repared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.  

P.s It is damn hot down here !!..

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on June 15, 2006, 07:24:28 PM

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
 
I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."   And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.    
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
 
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.   So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."  
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"    
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on June 16, 2006, 08:39:01 AM

LOL.....Women!!

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on June 16, 2006, 12:26:56 PM

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS AN ELEPHANT WITH A FISH?
SWIMMING TRUNKS

WHAT DO YOU CALL A LAMB WITH A MACHINE GUN?
LAMBO

WHAT DO FROZEN COWS DO?
GIVE ICE CREAM

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE SOCCER FIELD?
HE HEARD THE REFEREE CALLING FOWLS

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF A BULL CHARGED YOU?
PAY HIM CASH

WHEN IS IT BAD LUCK TO SEE A BLACK CAT?
WHEN YOU ARE A MOUSE

WHY DO SNAKES HAVE FORKED TONGUES?
BECAUSE THEY CANT USE CHOPSTICKS

WHAT DO YOU GET FROM NERVOUS COWS?
MILKSHAKES

WHAT DID THE CAT HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
MICE KRISPIES

WHY IS SIX SCARED OF SEVEN?
BCOS 7-8-9

WHAT DO DYNASAURS PUT ON THEIR FLOORS?
REP-TILES      

HOW DID THE ROCKET LOSE HIS JOB?
HE WAS FIRED.

WHAT DO YOU DO IF YR NOSE GOES ON STRIKE?
PICKET

WHY DID DRACULA TAKE SOME MEDICINE?
TO STOP HIS COFFIN                                                                                              

WHAT DO YOU CALL A WITCH THAT LIVES ON THE BEACH?
A SAND WITCH

WHY DIDNT THE SKELETON GO TO THE PARTY?
HE HAD NO BODY TO GO WITH!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on June 17, 2006, 01:21:41 PM

Obasanjo, Atiku and Soludo were flying on the presidentialjet. OBJ looks down and says: "I can throw down aN1,000 note and make one person happy.
Atiku says to him "Sir,i can throw down two N500 notes andmake two people happy.
Soludo laughs at them and says: "I can throw down five N200 notes and make five people happy.

The pilot looks at the co-pilot and tells him: "sucharrogant people! I can throw three of them off the plane and make 150 million people happy.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on June 26, 2006, 02:36:16 PM

A soldier came running to a cross in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."

The nun agreed. Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of b@lls....I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on June 26, 2006, 02:46:36 PM

9 Things I Hate About Everyone


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my backside when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. :roll:

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". D@mn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid money to come to the cinema and stare at the d@mn floor. :roll:

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did you?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it and you can't improve what's not in existence. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. :wink:  


8 When people say "life is short". What do you mean?? Life is the longest d@mn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer than your life?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I still be standing here, dumb? :?

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on July 22, 2006, 07:57:06 PM

This is a real story.

Why you shouldnt pick up anything in Lagos.
A friends driver went to lagos for the first time and while taking a stroll in the afternoon he saw a brand new tin of bournvita shining.He glanced in all directions and made sure no one was looking at him before he quickly took the tin.
He found a shade and used his key to open the tin.seconds before opening the tin he had a second thought 'what if this tin is filled with 'jon'?
but he was too late as the sun had already beaten the 'tutu' in the tin and the little pressure he put on the lid was sufficient for the pressurised 'tutu' to burst all out bathing the poor driver.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on July 27, 2006, 09:10:50 PM

Haba G-naka, dont u know zat some feofle are eating?????

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: mlbash on July 30, 2006, 05:53:58 PM

that was a nice one!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on August 01, 2006, 05:56:40 PM

Quote from: "*~MuDaCriS~*"

Haba G-naka, dont u know zat some feofle are eating?????

Hmm read this one ma sef:

One guy went to his girlfriends house.They were chatting when he decided to use the toilet.When he entered the toilet he found it so clean and fanciful so he decided to have a quick download(quick tutu  :lol: ) before any1 could even notice(u know that kind that u just drop one and quickly flush  :wink:  ).So this your guy quickly off-loaded one LONG and HEAVY 'tutu' in some seconds.The guy then flushed but because the 'tutu' was too long it wouldn't flush.The guy just decided to leave it like that but just as he was  about coming out of the toilet he heard one lady saying she's going to use the toilet,it was then that trouble began for this guy cos it would be something else if someone was to enter the toilet and see that huge bomb.
the guy just closed his eyes,knelt down and broke the 'tutu' into several pieces with his hands and then flushed.
Luckily it went successfully.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on August 01, 2006, 06:40:30 PM

Gogannaka, That was AWWWWWWWWWWWWFUL!!  :lol:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on August 02, 2006, 08:12:17 AM

What a STINKER!!!  :mrgreen:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: lionger on August 03, 2006, 12:49:30 AM

Quote from: "gogannaka"

This is a real story.

Why you shouldnt pick up anything in Lagos.
A friends driver went to lagos for the first time and while taking a stroll in the afternoon he saw a brand new tin of bournvita shining.He glanced in all directions and made sure no one was looking at him before he quickly took the tin.
He found a shade and used his key to open the tin.seconds before opening the tin he had a second thought 'what if this tin is filled with 'jon'?
but he was too late as the sun had already beaten the 'tutu' in the tin and the little pressure he put on the lid was sufficient for the pressurised 'tutu' to burst all out bathing the poor driver.

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Typical lagos tory...one thing I remember is that human faeces could be found in almost any imaginable nook and cranny.. maybe it was just the corner i was in, but that was a long time ago sha. Still,  :lol:  :lol:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: precious on August 03, 2006, 08:47:05 AM

Maybe Gogannaka would like to open a new thread called "Gross Jokes and Stories"?
That way I know to not even look at the thread let alone read it.
I must say, despite the ewwwness, it was quite funny.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on August 06, 2006, 01:36:24 PM

Welcome to the 21st century

Our communication:wireless,
our dress:topless,
our phone:cordless,
our cooking:fireless,
our youths:jobless,
our food:tasteless,
our labour:effortless,
our relationships:loveless,
our feelings:heartless,
our politicians:worthless,
our education:valueless,
our follies:countless,
our arguments:baseless,
our boss:brainless,
our job:payless,
our salary:useless.
Our er.... er,er.... what have I left out?....

WELCOME TO NIGERIA OUR FATHERLAND!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on August 06, 2006, 04:04:09 PM

Muda nko, wetin happen to yr exotic style of spelling?

You forgot - Our leaders: clueless.
9gerian food is delicious though.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: lionger on August 10, 2006, 01:09:07 PM

mudacris dis ya latest entry is a bit ludicrous :lol:

Title: Joke
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on August 20, 2006, 12:27:22 AM

A young couple come to see the pastor at a Church.
"We would like to join the church" they ask.
"This is a very serious commitment" the pastor tells them "It is not like joining a golf club or a social club. To join the church you must be prepared for a lifetime of obedience to God's laws and discipline in your everyday living"
The couple agree they still want to join the church.
" Right" the pastor tells them " You are just newly married. To prove your seriousness and your discipline you will go without sexual relations for one month. Come back and see me at the end of the month."
At the end of the month the young couple come back to the pastor and confess they have failed.
" We went four days without sex" said the young man "Then my wife bent over to get something out of the freezer and I couldn't resist"
" Terrible " said the pastor "I will have to bar you from the church. "
" It's worse than that " said the young man " I'm barred from that supermarket as well!"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: lionger on August 23, 2006, 12:27:02 AM

kai Dave u don come again wit dis ya R-rated tori
 :shock:  :oops: (http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/happy0188.gif) :shock:  :oops: (http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/happy0188.gif) :shock:  :oops: (http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/happy0188.gif) :shock:  :oops: (http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/happy0188.gif) :shock:  :oops: (http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/happy0188.gif) :shock:  :oops: (http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/happy0188.gif) :shock:  :oops: (http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/happy0188.gif) :shock:  :oops: (http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/happy0188.gif) :shock:  :oops: (http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/happy0188.gif) :shock:  :oops: (http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/happy0188.gif)

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on August 23, 2006, 11:54:04 AM

Samuel was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Samual got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Title: Jokes
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on August 30, 2006, 09:44:27 PM

A man in a straightjacket is brought in to a panel of doctors at a mental asylum. He has to do a test to see if he should be kept in the asylum or allowed to go home.

The chief doctor asks him
"You fill a bath with water and after you have used it you are given a spoon, a cup and a bucket. How will you empty the bath?"
The man replies
"That's easy. I will use the bucket."
The doctor replies
" Will you like a bed in here by a window. Any sane person would have pulled out the plug to empty the bath"

Title: Joke 2
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on August 30, 2006, 10:02:09 PM

* You can change the characters in this joke to any person or tribe you like. When I heard it it was about Sean Connery (who's nearly 80 years old) and Madonna ( from New York)

Alhaji who is 80 years old returns to Lagos from London where he has just had a heart pacemaker fitted.
He falls in with a very young and sexy Calabari girl in his Lagos hotel and is encouraged to see how his newly fixed heart is working.
He goes to bed with her and had sex three times.
"That was amazing " the girl says.
"If I have a little nap we can have another three rounds " says Alhaji
The girl agrees
" But as I sleep" Alhaji asks " Will you hold my te sticles with one hand and my pe nis with your other?"
The girl agress. Alhaji sleeps for 15 minutes then wakes and has sex three times again.
Then the same routine again. Alhaji sleeps for 15 minutes again with the girl holding his private parts, awakes and has sex three more times.
"Kai! I've never met anybody as powerful as you" enthuses the girl. Where do you get your power? Is that why I have to hold your tes ticles and pe nis?"
"Holding my things have nothing to do with the sex " Alhaji replies. "It's because the last time I slept with a Calabari she stole my wallet!"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on August 31, 2006, 08:02:45 AM

This is the stupidest joke I have read in ages!! Dirty, crude boring and nothing funny about it.
The straitjacket joke had some giggle potential.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on August 31, 2006, 08:15:10 AM

Timeline: sometime during the second world war in the early 1940s.
Country: any Nazi occupied territory.
Place: Concentration camp
Day: Hitler's birthday
Jewish inmates have been assembled for the 'special day' and a treat is promised them. The camp commandant announces:
" Today is za Feuhrer's birthday and ve are going to play a game of sqvash; Hans vill drife za steamroller!!"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on August 31, 2006, 10:29:24 PM

Well. I thought it was funny!
Here's another one - not quite so rude.

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

Obviously he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil."You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go".

"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon, and a large pool of water.

He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George shouted. "I don't think so. I am not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long".

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks.

All he did was swing the hammer, over and over, time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if all I could do was breaks rocks all day", commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton Lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on September 01, 2006, 05:43:35 PM

Now that is what I call 'tail' of the unexpected!!   :lol: :D   :lol: :D   :lol: :D   :lol: :D

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on September 01, 2006, 06:22:52 PM

When my son was attending pre primary class, I used to help him with his homework every evening and assist him in learning 123s and the abcs. He'd just mastered numbers 1 to 10 and he could recognize them and name any number shown him, and so we moved on to ABC. After a few days, he mastered over half the alphabets.  We continued until we came to the letter w. He was not paying attention when I told him the name of the letter. So later on when he had to say the letters back to me, he was stumped when I showed him w. He looked at it, screwed his face and looking straight at me said
'That's a three lying down!!'

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: mlbash on September 03, 2006, 11:05:57 AM

Just a little joke to herald in the weekend,have a lovely weekend. lol!!  
 
One day Taribo West and Mr president were arguing, the president got so annoyed and said "why I dey even follow you argue, you wey resemble gorrila" Taribo replied him saying "aahh Mr Presido, see person wey dey call me gorrila, you no know sey I fine pass you, ur excellency?" A young man was passing by and Taribo stopped him and asked "bros abeg 4 me and this Uncle wey stand here, who ugly pass?" and the guy looked at both of them for some seconds and exclaimed "wonderful!!! abeg una two be twins?

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on September 03, 2006, 07:28:11 PM

Kai jama'a!!
T W fine pass Uncle Sege fa!!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on September 05, 2006, 11:46:47 PM

Here's a very old joke that many of you have probably heard
 A gentleman meets a young lady holding a baby and crying loudly.
"What's wrong , my dear?" he asks
"A man just told me my baby was the ugliest child he ever saw" replied the young woman.
" Here" said the man, offering the young lady a paper tissue. " I'll hold your monkey while you dry your eyes!"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: lionger on September 06, 2006, 01:19:53 PM

hehe HUSNAA u sef..u object to Dave's dirty and crude joke, and then follow up with a pseudo anti-semitic one! LOL!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on September 06, 2006, 01:39:23 PM

A cheesy  joke:

A Chinese man was walking along the road when he unknowingly dropped an item he was carrying. A man a couple of metres behind him noticed that the chinese man was not aware of this. So he called out to him
    'Hey you! Hey you!'
The chinese man turned round, looked at the man who was a complete stranger to him and said  'how did you know my name?'

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on September 06, 2006, 01:56:09 PM

Quote from: "lionger"

hehe HUSNAA u sef..u object to Dave's dirty and crude joke, and then follow up with a pseudo anti-semitic one! LOL!

Here's another one, although I am sure most ppl have heard of it.

Another concentration camp was celebrating the feuhrer's birthday. However this time around, the camp commandant was going to release three prisoners in honour of the birthday.

So the camp commandant goes:

'Today iz za Feuhrer's birthday and ve are going to release three prisoners; one american, one englander and one juden. But the lucky three must answer three questions'.

So three prisoners were chosen and one by one they go into the commandant's office to answer a question that will ensure their freedom.  

The first to be asked was the American prisoner. The camp commandant said to him:

'In 1912, a ship vas zank. Vat is the name of the ship?'

The American blew a sigh of relief and said with a nasal twang:

'The Titanic'.

'You are vree to go' said the commandant.

The next was the english prisoner. The commandant asked him

' In 1912, za Titanic vas zank. Vat zank it?'

The english man with a sigh of relief said in upper crust english:

'Oh an iceberg'

'You are vree to leave' said the commandant.

The last prisoner was the jewish prisoner. The commandant said to him:

'In 1912, za Titanic vas zank by an iceberg and Vife hundred people died. Name zem!'

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: precious on September 07, 2006, 11:00:46 AM

Heh heh heh.
Mugu ne wallahi.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on September 07, 2006, 01:31:18 PM

Nice ones HUSNAA :lol:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on September 08, 2006, 09:12:16 PM

Quote from: "HUSNAA"

Muda nko, wetin happen to yr exotic style of spelling?

You forgot - Our leaders: clueless.
9gerian food is delicious though.

Oh, zat is due to ze pact zat i cofied and fasted! :lol:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on September 12, 2006, 12:22:30 AM

Look away now, HUSNAA. Here comes another crude joke.

Twy guys are sitting at a bar. They order beers and two chicken sandwiches.
Another guy comes in with a dog and orders a beer.
The dog lies down and starts to lick its thingy.

The first guy turns to the second and says " I wish I could do that"

The dog's owner hears him and says " If you throw him a piece of your sandwich it'll probably let you!"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: dan kauye on September 12, 2006, 06:12:37 PM

Duh,this is getting cornier ..Let's make original real life anecdotes/jokes..

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on September 12, 2006, 06:49:01 PM

Dave, too late :wink:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on September 14, 2006, 06:44:32 AM

Its not crude this time, its disgusting  :shock: yeuk!!!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on September 14, 2006, 04:36:36 PM

I agree it is disgusting. Can we post "relatively decent " jokes. Please? :lol:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on September 24, 2006, 01:25:59 PM

lol....lol...All you guys wont kill me...lol...oh my ribs!
I got this one its called GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
 
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
 
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
 
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit
 
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war- haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
 
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
 
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
 
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on September 24, 2006, 09:59:46 PM

lol Muda where on earth did u unearth that one? Now how about one concerning a man nko bayan all the cin fuska da akai wa mata?   :roll:  :roll:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on September 27, 2006, 05:44:55 PM

Lol...dan Allah ki yi hakuri...didnt mean to diss, just thought it will make u laff!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on September 28, 2006, 05:16:57 PM

How Smart is Your Right Foot?

This will boggle your mind. Try to outsmart your foot. I doubt if you can.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

See?......And there's nothing you can do about it!

Note; Do it while no-one's looking. For obvious reasons.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on September 28, 2006, 06:13:33 PM

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:  wallahi its true!! :P  :P  :P
Ina fara zana 6 din, sai naji kafar tana canza direction!!!  :D  :D

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: amira on September 28, 2006, 06:43:12 PM

yea thats so true the feet changes direction just had a practice :D  .

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Fateez on September 28, 2006, 08:52:36 PM

15 minutes!!! 15 whole minutes is how long me and a bunch of jobless

procastinators spent trying to prove this thing wrong. Ended up going in

da books and yes, we found an answer! Now i dont wan2 go all nerdy on

you, but dats some really cool stuff!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on September 29, 2006, 11:16:40 AM

Quote from: "Fateez"

15 minutes!!! 15 whole minutes is how long me and a bunch of jobless

procastinators spent trying to prove this thing wrong. Ended up going in

da books and yes, we found an answer! Now i dont wan2 go all nerdy on

you, but dats some really cool stuff!

Went thru books? Lallai you have time on your hands. Have you finally solved it? (not asking you to mention it, if indeed you have). I may put up a price :lol:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: dan kauye on September 29, 2006, 11:49:36 AM

Quote from: "HUSNAA"

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:  wallahi its true!! :P  :P  :P
Ina fara zana 6 din, sai naji kafar tana canza direction!!!  :D  :D

***Dies twice*** You so live,hun.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Fateez on October 03, 2006, 03:06:53 PM

Quote from: "Bakan~Gizo"

Quote from: "Fateez"

15 minutes!!! 15 whole minutes is how long me and a bunch of jobless

procastinators spent trying to prove this thing wrong. Ended up going in

da books and yes, we found an answer! Now i dont wan2 go all nerdy on

you, but dats some really cool stuff!

Went thru books? Lallai you have time on your hands. Have you finally solved it? (not asking you to mention it, if indeed you have). I may put up a price :lol:

Oh, I meant i have found a reason why they move together, not a

reason to oppose it (something's really wrong with my communication

skills these days). i think da only possible way to get them to move in da

opposite direction is to get a stroke or any form of brain damage affecting

da thalamus. Now we don't wanna do at do we? Or if anyone's willing to

be da guinea pig ... :twisted:  :twisted:  :twisted:  :twisted:  :twisted:  :twisted:  Mad Scientist at ur service!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on October 03, 2006, 04:34:39 PM

To kun bani gari in fadi amsar? 8)

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 03, 2006, 04:51:31 PM

To ai tun da Fateez ta ce maka thalamus ai an gama magana.... Ina kuma za a duba in banda kwalkwalwa? :?

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on October 04, 2006, 08:28:31 AM

Ku dai ku bani gari in kun kasa :D  We don't want any brain damage case.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 04, 2006, 01:45:35 PM

To ni dai na sallama. Ban san sauran ba amma. Anyways GO AHEAD!!!  :D

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on October 05, 2006, 07:06:17 PM

Can anybody move their ears up and down? I'm doing that at the moment.  (You'll all just have to believe me on this).

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on October 06, 2006, 10:05:20 AM

Quote from: "Dave_McEwan_Hill"

Can anybody move their ears up and down? I'm doing that at the moment.  (You'll all just have to believe me on this).

Ewww :o  Sounds like a character from a Sci-Fi flick.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 06, 2006, 02:50:42 PM

Quote from: "Dave_McEwan_Hill"

Can anybody move their ears up and down? I'm doing that at the moment.  (You'll all just have to believe me on this).

I am trying to move my ears seriously..... but my eyebrows are the features responding............ :P  

Bakan Gizo, the town is at yr disposal..... give us the solution to the leg mystery I beg!! :P

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: lionger on October 06, 2006, 04:49:19 PM

One of my childhood friends could move his ears. Not me though. And I actually managed to do a semi-clockwise rotation with my right foot while drawing 6 w/ my right hand. got it after a few minutes.. and i'm still sane  :D

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Fateez on October 06, 2006, 07:29:36 PM

Yeah, i give up too.

Lionger thats impressive.

For some strange reason all da people in primary

school that could move their ears were very devilish and stubborn.

Muda, can u move ur ears?? :twisted:  :twisted:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on October 07, 2006, 05:17:42 PM

Azumi na bani wahala yau,so can perform niether now.try later bayan ansha ruwa
Cant c d point of all his but u guys r really funny all the same,made my day.

 
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

HUSNAA
To prove it could also do what the zakara could do

MUDA
E jus peel like

ADMIN
Chicken are not allowed on this side of the road.

DAVE_HILL
They always do that in Scotland

LIONGER
There were too many pro Islamic hausa/fulani people on this side of the road

BARDE
To escape from Niger-Delta militants

NURA
It was the decent thing to do

BAKAN~GIZO
To get away from Gen. Buhari

MUHSIN
Please can anybody here tell me y the chicken crossed the road?

FATEEZ
The cool people were on the other side

ZIZO
Uhh?I don?t know

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: lionger on October 07, 2006, 10:59:24 PM

Quote from: "zizo"

 
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
LIONGER
There were too many pro Islamic hausa/fulani people on this side of the road

zizo, no let me catch you  :lol: . Eniwe, make i add small.

EFCC: Whoever bribed the chicken to cross the road will be exposed.

GOV KALU: Any chicken attempting to cross the 3rd term road will be stopped.

GEORGE W BUSH: We really don?t care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There?s no middle ground here.

BILL CLINTON: That depends on what your definition of 'chicken' is.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road?
                  Did he cross it with a toad?
                  Yes! The chicken crossed the road.
                  But why it crossed, I?ve not been told!

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn?t that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

AHMADINEJAD: To wipe Israel off the map.

AL-ZARQAWI: The chicken crossed the holy road to resist the crusaders. He has died a martyr in my stomach.

COMICAL ALI (former Iraqi Min. of Information):There is no such chicken trying to cross the road, and there never has been any such chicken.

BOBBY BROWN: Because that's its prerogative.

JESSICA SIMPSON: Why would he be on a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on October 08, 2006, 02:54:19 PM

Quote from: "Bakan~Gizo"

Quote from: "Dave_McEwan_Hill"

Can anybody move their ears up and down? I'm doing that at the moment.  (You'll all just have to believe me on this).

Ewww :o  Sounds like a character from a Sci-Fi flick.

Yeah...Star Wars' Yoda...Lol

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 08, 2006, 08:32:16 PM

Quote from: "zizo"

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

ZIZO:  

Uhh?I don?t know

OBASANJO:

U don't no Zizo? Na one yeye chicken from Otta farm be dat.  He come take leg cross to Atiku camp. If I catch dat double crossing chicken, his name is peppersoup finish!!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: neozizo on October 09, 2006, 09:47:05 AM

Very good Lionger.
Husnaa loved the Obj vrsin v much.LOL
Didnt finsh d othr day cause it was time to sha ruwa.
UMMITA
A chicken is a type of domesticated bird....blah blah......blah....
A road can be dangerous,the chicken has to look right,left and right again ..blah..blah...blah
Anway,**she rolls her eyes and hisses**its obviously to get to the other side of the road!
FULANI POET
A befitting ode
about why the chicken did cross the road
it has been a story of old
and the truth has to be told,
why did the chicken cross the road?
ETE
goto www.theanswertourquestion.com
BASKET MOUTH
Sho!c me c trouble o!u no know say dem send d shicken message?
OKONJO IWELA
The chicken NEEDS to get to some SEEDS to achieve intended reforms.
TONY BLAIR
It was following the footsteps of the Rhode Island Red

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on October 09, 2006, 10:27:15 AM

Quote from: "HUSNAA"

Bakan Gizo, the town is at yr disposal..... give us the solution to the leg mystery I beg!! :P

Instead of drawing the 6 starting at the top then coming down and then looping anti-clockwise, you draw in reverse order, starting at the end of the loop, going clockwise and finishing at the top :lol:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: lionger on October 09, 2006, 03:14:58 PM

wow ingenious Bakan Gizo

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 30, 2006, 10:41:07 AM

Quote from: "Bakan~Gizo"

Quote from: "HUSNAA"

Bakan Gizo, the town is at yr disposal..... give us the solution to the leg mystery I beg!! :P

Instead of drawing the 6 starting at the top then coming down and then looping anti-clockwise, you draw in reverse order, starting at the end of the loop, going clockwise and finishing at the top :lol:

hmm very good. reminds me of the time when i couldnt solve a mathematical problem in physics  bcos it was so simple, I overlooked its simplicity.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Fateez on November 02, 2006, 03:30:59 PM

Hehe, yeah dat was a good one! Who wud've thought???

Nice one!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on November 03, 2006, 09:43:49 PM

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave
useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we
won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on November 04, 2006, 07:33:59 PM

A man goes into a Library and asks the Librarian
"Can you lend me a book on how to commit suicide?"
The librarian replies
" No chance. You wouldn't bring it back!"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on November 04, 2006, 09:44:59 PM

Dave u are one funny Irish, where in the world do u get this jkokes from?

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on November 05, 2006, 03:32:25 PM

Irish kuma?  :?

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on November 05, 2006, 03:42:06 PM

Quote from: "HUSNAA"

Irish kuma?  :?

Oops!!! Must habe been intoxicated with ze joke!

Scottish!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Muhsin on November 06, 2006, 12:14:02 PM

Quote from: "Dave_McEwan_Hill"

A man goes into a Library and asks the Librarian
"Can you lend me a book on how to commit suicide?"
The librarian replies
" No chance. You wouldn't bring it back!"

Will he ever brings it back while he's dead? NO!
The librarian had really thoght very reflectively :idea: .

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on November 08, 2006, 11:40:11 AM

The Man and the Cat
A man hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him by driving him 20 blocks from his home, later 40 blocks away and further away but the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive quite a few miles away--so he turned right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Hon, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Can you please put him on the phone? I'm lost and need directions"

Lethal Product
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on November 08, 2006, 06:16:00 PM

Lol....Black Sfyder kenan...men ze pirst one is more hilarious. Bring it on...We can read it all along!

Title: Best lawyer story of the year
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on November 10, 2006, 02:49:54 PM

ONLY IN AMERICA
  BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

Charlotte , North Carolina :
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.


The lawyer sued.. And WON!

            (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be an "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in "the fires."

        NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!


With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on November 10, 2006, 05:06:16 PM

(Shakes head) Truth is indeed stranger than fiction!!! :)

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on November 11, 2006, 06:23:03 PM

Hell Yeah!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on November 11, 2006, 07:47:01 PM

Y'all check zis....

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him N10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to N7.50.

"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."

A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes N5.

"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me N10 every day, then N7.50 and now only N5. What's the problem?"
     
"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."

"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.

"Four," the man replies.
     
"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on November 13, 2006, 10:54:20 AM

That was very funny :lol:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on November 14, 2006, 02:29:41 PM

Muda's beggar joke reminds me of an incident that happened to me. I was travelling abroad and i'd checked in and all and was waiting to catch the flight. I wasnt alone, someone had escorted me to the airport. I had some Nigerian cash on me which I thought I wasnt going to stand in  need of, anytime soon, so I gave this person all of it. Then shortly afterward, we entered into this shop and I wanted to buy a magazine. The mag cost N500, and as I'd given up all my cash, I asked for N500 to buy the mag from this person. Would u  believe the person showed some reluctance in handing over the N500????  :!:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on November 14, 2006, 03:36:11 PM

Har nawa kika bayar kike son N500 daga baya? You rich Oo! Haba ke kuwa ba dole mutumin ya ji haushi ba? Kin manta muna yara da ake fada mana "kyautar 'yan wuta" ba kyau? :lol:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on November 15, 2006, 07:31:22 AM

Well koma nawa na bayar, the point was I didnt need it at the time. If I did, I wouldnt empty my pockets entirely ofcourse. But if it were me, a ka bawa kudin, I'd feel grateful enough to give twice over back what the person asked for rather than begrudge the fraction out of it.  :?

Anyway, kyautar 'yan wuta u said???? hmmmmmmm.........
I dont know about that, afterall I ASKED  for the money, afterwards not demanded it back 8)
 I will have u know with all implied MODESTY that HUMILITY  is my second name!!!!!!  :wink:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on November 15, 2006, 10:29:03 PM

Haha...i almost fell op my chair on hearing Husnaa's tale, but d'you know wuts cracking my ribs eben harder? Its Black Sfyders resfonse to Husnaa...men dat would habe hurts ip it was me...anyway BS y b say u too dey scratch Husnaa all ze tym like dat?

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on November 22, 2006, 11:10:02 PM

Old man to young lady: " Would you have sex with me for 10 million Naira?"

Young lady: "I'd be foolish to say no."

Old man: "Would you have sex with me for 10 Naira?"

Young lady: "Do you think I'm a prostitute?"

Old Man " We've already established that. I'm just haggling about the price."

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on November 23, 2006, 09:27:48 AM

Quote from: "HUSNAA"

Anyway, kyautar 'yan wuta u said???? hmmmmmmm.........
I dont know about that, afterall I ASKED  for the money, afterwards not demanded it back 8)
 I will have u know with all implied MODESTY that HUMILITY  is my second name!!!!!!  :wink:

Asked for the money, not demanded?  :roll:  Would the person know the diff in this situation? I doubt.  

Aha. Muna yara in ka ba wani abu sannan kazo kace ya/ta baka kayanka na san ana yi mana fada ace haka kyautar 'yan wuta ne. I'm not really saying you did just that. It had only evoked memories of those sweet, carefree days :wink: Didn't mean offence.

Kai kuma Muda, what do you mean I always 'scratch' Husnaa? Explain. Where's  your evidence? Ka na son hada fada ko?

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on November 24, 2006, 08:49:05 PM

Quote from: "Dave_McEwan_Hill"

Old man to young lady: " Would you have sex with me for 10 million Naira?"

Young lady: "I'd be foolish to say no."

Old man: "Would you have sex with me for 10 Naira?"

Young lady: "Do you think I'm a prostitute?"

Old Man " We've already established that. I'm just haggling about the price."

Lol...Dave my man, you got me all folded up, keep it up men, u got a fan right here...lol

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on November 28, 2006, 12:44:12 AM

WARNING
Look away now, Husnaa. Another roooood joke.
And it's very daft as well

This lady was disappointed that the flames of love and passion had died out in her husband so she decides to try to arouse him again
She knows he is seriously infatuated by the thought of Brigitte Bardot  the beautiful French actress so she lays on a special candlelight dinner on her husband's birthday and when it is finished she says "I have a surprise for you."
She bends over and lifts up her skirts. She has a large "B" tatooed on  one buttock and a large "B" tatooed on the other.
"WHO'S BOB?" asks her puzzled husband.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on November 28, 2006, 06:06:14 AM

Sorry Dave,
Cant look any other way,  :oops: but that WAS a seriously funny joke...I'm still laughing... (talk about bending over backwards to please )lol!!!  :lol:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on November 28, 2006, 06:41:22 AM

Quote from: "HUSNAA"

Sorry Dave,
Cant look any other way,  :oops: but that WAS a seriously funny joke...I'm still laughing... (talk about bending over backwards to please )lol!!!  :lol:

PS. The husband probably bellowed:
'BY GUM!!!  BILLY BOB THORNTON!!!! (Briggitte BardoT)

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on November 28, 2006, 11:55:57 AM

The Office Body Meeting:

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.


The Moral of the story? The a**hole is usually in charge!! :roll:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on November 29, 2006, 03:14:44 PM

Quote from: "Bakan~Gizo"

The Moral of the story? The a**hole is usually in charge!! :roll:

How True; Nigeria is a perfect example!!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on November 29, 2006, 06:42:35 PM

Quote from: "HUSNAA"

Quote from: "HUSNAA"

Sorry Dave,
Cant look any other way,  :oops: but that WAS a seriously funny joke...I'm still laughing... (talk about bending over backwards to please )lol!!!  :lol:

PS. The husband probably bellowed:
'BY GUM!!!  BILLY BOB THORNTON!!!! (Briggitte BardoT)

How co-incidental...lol!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on December 04, 2006, 11:58:44 AM

A man escapes from prison after serving time for 15 years. He breaks into a house searching for money and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chaiir. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guys an escaped convict, look at his clodths! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds:

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too."  :P

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 05, 2006, 08:33:25 AM

BK..  :oops: That was sooooo Dave McEwan Hill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :P

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on December 05, 2006, 09:49:59 AM

Wallahi na sani Husnaa. Cewa nayi bari nima in dan taba kadan :lol:  :lol:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 06, 2006, 07:57:18 PM

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 06, 2006, 08:23:10 PM

Quote from: "Bakan~Gizo"

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too."  :P

Zat is simfly a blow to ze head. Lol...correct man...keef repping! You see women ko? How can she be zis mean eben at ze tym op great pear? :wink:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on December 07, 2006, 10:30:00 AM

Quote from: "*~MuDaCriS~*"

..."Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

But that wasn't all she want,was it? There're other things a man can do, and a TV simply can't :oops:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 07, 2006, 06:21:45 PM

Quote from: "*~MuDaCriS~*"

Quote from: "Bakan~Gizo"

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too."  :P

Zat is simfly a blow to ze head. Lol...correct man...keef repping! You see women ko? How can she be zis mean eben at ze tym op great pear? :wink:

(screams in frustration!!!!!!!!) Muda do u wear blinkers when it comes to male chauvenism I wonder????  How can u blame the woman when the man provoked her into making the comment? If he had kept his mouth shut, she wouldnt have had to tell him exactly what was said would she???

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on December 08, 2006, 08:58:48 AM

Wallahi dama nace bari Husnaa ta ga abin da Muda ya rubuta :lol:  :lol:
Na san za'a yi haka. Kuma anya ba dagangan yayi ba? :?

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on December 08, 2006, 11:12:52 AM

Aha. Another DAVEish joke. After this I revert back to more "clean" ones :lol:  Promise, Husnaa.

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the air.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to
no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so
provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on December 08, 2006, 06:42:40 PM

LOL...Wicked man.
Its not his fault, yunwa yake ji.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 08, 2006, 08:35:21 PM

Quote from: "Bakan~Gizo"

Aha. Another DAVEish joke. After this I revert back to more "clean" ones :lol:  Promise, Husnaa.


"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Lol...lol. Husnaa shud see dis..lol...she calls me a Chauvisnist.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 11, 2006, 03:04:04 PM

:oops: I dont know how I got myself entangled in these err....  :oops: peculiarly embarrassing jokes...  :oops: but lol  I'm laughing anyway... :lol:  that was a nasty ( :lol:  :lol: )joke...BK . Recommended for anyone with an awful mother in law!!! :P
Nothing chauvenistic about it Muda.. honestly... But the husband is a proper SOB  :roll: nevertheless.

Now for some clean and freshly laundered jokes:
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago.

So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read:

 "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following:

 "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireles"

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 13, 2006, 09:01:59 PM

Lol....Hajjaju, i neber thought u sfit jokes zis well, zat was really cool, i really enjoy nigerian jokes.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on December 14, 2006, 09:35:19 AM

Check this;

YOUR AGE BY YOUR HOUSE NUMBER

You remember your age? Ok. Hold it to your chest and do the following exercise:

Write down your house number (as in address no.), double it, add 5, multiply by 50, add your age, add 365 days of a normal year, and finally subtract 615,

Result: Your house number will be on the left, while your age will be on the right.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 14, 2006, 11:37:26 AM

Wow! That was cool BKG!! :D

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 15, 2006, 02:09:41 PM

Wani bafulatani yaje kasuwa ya sai da shanun sa ya ci 'yar kazamar riba. Ashe a kasuwar baisani ba, wa'yansu barayi sun hango shi, kuma ransu ya biya a kan ribar da dan fillon yayi. Saboda haka  suka kuduri aniyar sai anci ribar nan da su.

Dan fillo ya kama hanya zuwa garin su, sai wa'yannan barayi suka tunkare shi a kan hanya kamar mutanen arziki, su ka fara hira da shi, suna tambayar sa in da za shi. Shi kuma sai ya fada musu. Suka ce an yi sa'a suma can hanyar suka nufa.

Suka cigaba da tafiya suna tadi har suka shafe matsakaicin lokaci. Can sai suka iso wata 'yar rumfa inda wata mata ke sayar da fura da nono. Dama sun fara gajiya, sai suka ce bara su sayi abinci su ci. Barayin suka yi ma dan fillo tayin saya masa fura a kyauta ya sha. Gogannaka murna ta kama shi, wai shi sisin kwabon sa bazai ciwon kai ba. A ka hada masa fura lafiyayya. Ya sha yayi tatil. Barayin ma suka sha madaidaiciya. Gama shan furar ke da wuya,  sai idon dan fillo ya fara limshe wa, da yake rana ta bude. Sai su kayi shawara su shiga wani soro su dan runtsa kafin a kira azahar su yi sallah su cigaba da tafiya.

Da suka shiga soron, dan fillo  ya gyara ma'adanar kudin sa da ke daure a kugun sa, ya sakankan ce ya baiwa barci ragamar lmulki, sai munshari ka ke ji 'kurrrrrr  kurrrrr  kurrrrrr  kurrrrr'.

Barayi, dama abin da suke jira ke nan. Da suka ga dan fillo yayi kamar ya ce wa duniya 'ga garinku', sai suka sulalo suka kwance jakar dake daure a kugun dan fillo. Har sun juya za su gudu, sai daya da ga cikin su wanda an san shi da shakkiyanci,  ya dauko 'yar aska ya samu kan dan fillo, ya aske tas, kamar kwaryar molo. Suka tattara gashin suka zubar, suka gudu.

Can yamma tayi dan fillo yayi firgigit ya tashi kamar wanda a ka watsa wa ruwan sanyi. Yana farka wa, sai ya shafa kugun sa dan ya tabbatar da jakar kudin sa, sai yaji fiyau ba komai a wurin. Yayi wuf ya dafa kansa zai saka kururuwa, sai yaji ba gashi, sai yace 'af ashe bani bane'.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 15, 2006, 07:37:11 PM

Lolzzzzzzzz Dear Husnaa, what kind of a woman are you?...did mean to sound disrespectful but u really got it goin' on. U r just too universal.

Quote from: "HUSNAA"

"...dan fillo ya gyara ma'adanar kudin sa da ke daure a kugun sa, ya sakankan ce ya baiwa barci ragamar lmulki...,"

That is classic hausa, damn i had to read like 2wice slower before i recognised the actuall meaning hidden between the lines. Do u per chance freelance for BBC Hausa? Lol. Dope joke...really got me laughing!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on December 16, 2006, 12:53:29 AM

My son, who appeared in many episodes of a Kano TV version of Mind Your Language, was actually offered a position with the BBC Hausa service. Sadly he did not take it. Twenty years later he can't read Hausa any more which is a pity though he still talks Hausa fluently.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on December 16, 2006, 01:21:59 PM

Good one Husnaa. Nima ina nan da wani fulani joke nan bada dadewa be.  :lol:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: precious on December 16, 2006, 08:43:20 PM

If you like hausa jokes there's this collection by Bashir Tofa called "Mu sha dariya".I think there are 2 or 3 books.I found them quite funny and a few of them were real life experiences of the author or his friends.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 16, 2006, 08:55:28 PM

Why dont u post some up here please, Precious? U can put up a copyright rejoinder to be on the safe side

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 16, 2006, 09:06:58 PM

Quote from: "Dave_McEwan_Hill"

My son, who appeared in many episodes of a Kano TV version of Mind Your Language, was actually offered a position with the BBC Hausa service. Sadly he did not take it. Twenty years later he can't read Hausa any more which is a pity though he still talks Hausa fluently.

Blimey!! Is dis a joke? If u have a son that was offered a job with BBC 20years ago then how old r u mate? (with all the sense of the rude jokes i hv always belied that u will nt b more than 35). I hp its a joke.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on December 17, 2006, 12:58:31 AM

Na. I'm a dirty OLD man (according to Waziri anyway), retired now and my son is now a bit older than 35.
The girls I taught at WTC Kano will all be about forty years old by now or more. I wonder where they all are.
In fact my grand-daughter (her mother is from Bornu State) is going to University in Glasgow and hopes to be a teacher.(It runs in the family).
I hope my grandaughter gets back to Kano one day to see where she was born. She was delivered in a clinic in the Sabon Gari.

Maigemu

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 17, 2006, 09:03:05 AM

Quote from: "Dave_McEwan_Hill"

Na. I'm a dirty OLD man (according to Waziri anyway), retired now and my son is now a bit older than 35.
The girls I taught at WTC Kano will all be about forty years old by now or more. I wonder where they all are.
In fact my grand-daughter (her mother is from Bornu State) is going to University in Glasgow and hopes to be a teacher.(It runs in the family).
I hope my grandaughter gets back to Kano one day to see where she was born. She was delivered in a clinic in the Sabon Gari.

Maigemu

Whaat?!? Am speechless. What kind of an oldman will derive such gigantic sense of humour, to come admist the young and make them laugh?

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 17, 2006, 06:41:30 PM

Quote from: "Dave_McEwan_Hill"

In fact my grand-daughter (her mother is from Bornu State) is going to University in Glasgow and hopes to be a teacher.(It runs in the family).
I hope my grandaughter gets back to Kano one day to see where she was born. She was delivered in a clinic in the Sabon Gari.

Maigemu

Hey Dave, yr grand daughter is not by any chance related to aisha lavers? Her mother was from Bornu state also and her father was British and used to lecture at BUK. He died a long time back and the family I believe went to live in England.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: precious on December 17, 2006, 10:01:31 PM

Kai! Its such a small world.I do know the Lavers family and Husnaa knows them,too.Maybe I know Husnaa,too :D

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on December 17, 2006, 10:22:33 PM

There was a Lavers at BUK when I was across the road at WTC. (Was it Philip or John? - I can't remember his first name) and I remember his very, very attractive wife (which was a surpise to us as he didn't seem to be that sort of guy - if you know what I mean).
My daughter-in-law was not an educated girl.  I think she would be described as  a "bush girl" who had left her family when she was very young and come to Kano when she had been given to be married to an old man which she did not want. She would be around fifteen years (or younger) when she met my son. My son (who was also young and attending St Thomas School in Kano)) had smuggled her into his quarters and we did not know for some months that she was there.
They were married after some time in Fatima Church near Sabon Gari.
My daughter-in-law is no longer with my son (who has mental health problems now due to using too much ganga) but she remains on good terms with us. She has just qualified after a two year training course to act as a classroom assistant in schools which is a very fine achievement considering her background and we are proud of her.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on December 18, 2006, 11:32:42 AM

Wani bafulatani ya shigo gari sai yaga ana shan shayi. Ya samu wuri ya zauna, ya ce mai shayi ya zubo masa. Mai shayi ya dauko kofi, ya saka lipton da madara da siga ya bashi. Dan fulani ya shanye ruwan shayi, sai ya ga lipton teabag a cikin kofi. Shi bai san ko menene ba, yace a ranshi tunda dai a cikin shayin yake, lallai to ci ake, kuma kar yayi asarar kudin shi.

Sai ya sa hannu ya dauka ya jefa a baki. Ya tauna, ya ji tauri. Ya dai yi ta tauna da kyar ya hadiye, idon shi duk ya cika da kwalla. Ya tashi yayi tafiyar sa. Can wata rana ya dawo gurin mai shayi, sai yace "mai shayi a zubo mini shayi nan, amma don Allah kar ka sa naman shayin nan yau". A ka bushe da dariya, wato lipton shine naman shayi tunda shi dai bai san sunan shi ba.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 18, 2006, 03:44:30 PM

Quote from: "precious"

Kai! Its such a small world.I do know the Lavers family and Husnaa knows them,too.Maybe I know Husnaa,too :D

Maybe..jus maybe Precious.. :D .

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: precious on December 18, 2006, 06:40:57 PM

Quote from: "HUSNAA"

Quote from: "precious"

Kai! Its such a small world.I do know the Lavers family and Husnaa knows them,too.Maybe I know Husnaa,too :D

Maybe..jus maybe Precious.. :D .

 :D  :D


Wani bafillatani ne yana tafiya dare yayi masa a tsakiyar daji,kuma ruwan sama ya tsinko mai yawa.Can yana neman inda zai fake sai ya hango wata bukka.Ya nufe ta,ya buga kofar.Sai wani mutum da matarsa kyakkyawar gaske suka bude kofa.Bafillatani ya roka a barshi ya kwana nan zuwa safe ya wuce.Sai maigidan ya ce "ka ga a gaskiya daki daya ne nan,kuma ni da matata ne bai kamata ka kwan da mu daki daya ba"
Bafillace yayi ta magiya ,ita matar taji tausayinsa tace maigidan ya barshi man,ai ko a kasa kan tabarma ya kwanta, mai makon a barshi ruwa yayi mishi duka.Maigida ya yarda yace ya shigo.
Ashe kai bafillace ka kyasa matar mutum.Can sunyi barci sai ya dafe kan gado.Firgigit maigida ya tashi ya ce"kai! meya haka?"
Sai bafillace yace,"don Allah kayi hakuri Wallahi Hwado wa nayi".

Maigida kam yace masa ya fita ,ina aka taba fado wa kan gado daga kasa.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 18, 2006, 07:25:04 PM

Kai Precious, Wallahi har kusan kware wa nayi sabo da dariya!!! :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on December 21, 2006, 11:38:23 AM

Husnaa and co. should love this :D


A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in
their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers
strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house
and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an
 even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the
family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on
the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the
floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was
spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over
toys and more piles of clothes looking for his wife. He was worried she
might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a
small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys
strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"
 "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 21, 2006, 11:47:48 AM

Quote from: "Bakan~Gizo"

Husnaa and co. should love this :D

Too right BKG, I felt a sense of justice in the joke.  :D  However, honestly, I am not a feminist, I just dont like that male superior attitude when it is not deserved that is all :)

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on December 22, 2006, 11:28:52 AM

Let me leave you guys with the following jokes. I'm starting my leave, so I may not post as regularly as I do. At least I won't be around to take the backlash for the second joke :lol:

Recruitment.

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Head of Human Resources was hit by a bus and he died. His soul was met at the Pearly gates by St Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven", said St Peter." Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Head of Human Resources make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you".

"No problem, just let me in" said the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the man.

"Sorry, we have rules... " And with that St Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and he found himself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of him were all his friends - fellow executives that he had worked with and they were all cheering for him. They ran up and kissed him on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where he enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. He met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and he had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook his hand and waved goodbye as he got in the elevator.

The elevator opened at the Heavens gates and he found St Peter waiting for him. He spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. He had a great time and before he knew it his 24 hours were up and St Peter came and got him.

"So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity" he said.

The man replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all that, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St Peter escorted him to the elevator and again he went back to Hell. When the doors opened he found himself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. He saw his friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to him and put his arm around his.

"I don't understand," stammered the man, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at him and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff....." :wink:

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on December 22, 2006, 11:40:09 AM

Doctor Jose had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Jose, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:



"Jose...............




Jose................




Jose................

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You're a vet!" :shock:

Ciao!! 8)

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 22, 2006, 06:56:18 PM

Lolzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz BKG...dats nasty...so wut did he sleept with...an Orangutan? Lolzzzzzzzzzzz! Oh My!

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 22, 2006, 07:14:35 PM

Crazy Chinese Proverbs

Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Title: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 22, 2006, 07:24:22 PM

A Rich Man's Dream

One day a multi billionaire was board, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men.

A few hours later the butler comes back. The man says "OK I've a deal you can't refuse. Who can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels, and leaches. The winner may have whatever his heat desires."

No one replies so the man gives up.

All of a sudden the man hears a splash. One of the men is swimming as fast as he can, dodging all the sharks, eels, and leaches.

The billionaire was so impressed that someone had enough guts take up his challenge. He congratulates the man and asks him what he wants.

The man replies "I want the Sun of a B.i.tch who pushed me in"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on March 05, 2007, 08:52:54 PM

Bringing this back to page 1. Lets laugh again. I start. Ahem...


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: kitkat on March 06, 2007, 02:01:00 AM

Quote from: precious on December 17, 2006, 10:01:31 PM

Kai! Its such a small world.I do know the Lavers family and Husnaa knows them,too.Maybe I know Husnaa,too :D

we frolicked with one ibrahim lavers back in the days although i recall he was all black not half caste!! world keeps getting smaller precious and husnaa... heh heh heh

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on March 06, 2007, 11:21:04 PM

Should children witness childbirth?

  Due to a power outage, only one paramedic  responded to the call. The house
  was very dark so the paramedic asked  Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a
  flashlight high over her mommy so he could  see while he helped deliver the
  baby.
  Very diligently, Kathleen did as she  was asked.  Heidi pushed and   pushed  and after a little  while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his   little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry ..

  The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her  help and asked the wide-eyed
  3-yr old what she thought about what she  had just witnessed.


  Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't  have crawled in there in the
  first
  place......smack his ass  again!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on March 07, 2007, 12:56:30 PM

Quote from: Dave McEwan Hill on March 06, 2007, 11:21:04 PM

Should children witness childbirth?




  Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't  have crawled in there in the
  first
  place......smack his ass  again!"

Lol that was funny!!! hehehe!!
BK's Italian joke is rib cracking as well!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: precious on March 12, 2007, 11:42:16 PM

If Adam and Eve were Chinese,we would all still be in Heaven.
They would've eaten the snake and not the apple.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on March 13, 2007, 08:21:35 AM

lol in other words, Adam and Eve were english since they ate the apple!!  ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: fulanee on March 14, 2007, 03:38:02 AM

Quote from: kitkat on March 06, 2007, 02:01:00 AM

Quote from: precious on December 17, 2006, 10:01:31 PM

Kai! Its such a small world.I do know the Lavers family and Husnaa knows them,too.Maybe I know Husnaa,too :D

we frolicked with one ibrahim lavers back in the days although i recall he was all black not half caste!! world keeps getting smaller precious and husnaa... heh heh heh

Hollah at u all, The Lavers were my makota, one house between us. Did any of yu lived in BUK?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on March 14, 2007, 09:38:52 PM

Lived across the road at WTC

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on March 21, 2007, 01:40:07 AM

Man to old lady " Excuse me. You have suppository in your ear"
Old Woman "What?"
Man (louder) " You have suppository in your ear"
Old Woman (cupping her hand to her ear) "WHAT?"
Man (shouting) "THERE'S A SUPPOSITORY IN YOUR EAR!"
Old woman " Gosh. I wonder where I have put the ear-piece of my hearing aid."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on March 21, 2007, 08:08:26 PM

Quote from: Dave McEwan Hill on March 21, 2007, 01:40:07 AM

Man to old lady " Excuse me. You have suppository in your ear"
Old woman " Gosh. I wonder where I have put the ear-piece of my hearing aid."

Oh Lord Dave you really crack one up!! I cant stop laughing!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on March 21, 2007, 08:10:03 PM

Aunty abin ma wasan buya ne yau?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on March 21, 2007, 08:13:30 PM

Lol Dan Borno, buya kamar yaya?  :)

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on March 21, 2007, 08:16:39 PM

The house has been lonely since Sunday
Where are the others?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: kitkat on March 22, 2007, 12:01:11 AM

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." 
They're things people actually said in court, word for word.

 

    Q:  What is your date of birth?

    A:  July fifteen.

    Q:  What year?

    A:  Every year.

     ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    A:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    A: Yes.

    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    A: I forget.

    Q: You forget.  Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  How old is your son, the one living with you?

    A:  Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    Q:  How long has he lived with you?

    A:  Forty-five years.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

    A:  He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    Q:  And why did that upset you?

    A:  My name is Susan.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  And where was the location of the accident?

    A:  Approximately milepost 499.

    Q:  And where is milepost 499?

    A:  Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Sir, what is your IQ?

    A:  Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Did you blow your horn or anything?

    A:  After the accident?

    Q:  Before the accident.

    A:  Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

    A:  Yes.

    Q:  Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

    A:  Yes, sir.

    Q:  What did she say?

    A:  What disco am I at?

     ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about
          it until the next morning?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

     ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Did he kill you?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  You were there until the time you left, is that true?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  How many times have you committed suicide?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    A:  Yes.

    Q:  And what were you doing at that time?

     ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  She had three children, right?

    A:  Yes.

    Q:  How many were boys?

    A:  None.

    Q:  Were there any girls?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  You say the stairs went down to the basement?

    A:  Yes.

    Q:  And these stairs, did they go up also?

    --------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

    A:  I went to Europe, Sir.

    Q:  And you took your new wife?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  How was your first marriage terminated?

    A:  By death.

    Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Can you describe the individual?

    A:  He was about medium height and had a beard.

    Q:  Was this a male, or a female?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
          which I sent to your attorney?

    A:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    A:  All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

     ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?

    A:  Oral.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    A:  The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    Q:  And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

    A:  No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
           autopsy.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    A:  No.

    Q:  Did you check for blood pressure?

    A:  No.

    Q:  Did you check for breathing?

    A:  No.

    Q:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
          the autopsy?

    A:  No.

    Q:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    A:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    Q:  But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

    A:  It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  You were not shot in the fracas?

    A:  No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

 

 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on March 22, 2007, 06:37:55 PM

Oh kitkat those were so so classic!.... i couldnt stop laughing:

 Q:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
          the autopsy?

    A:  No.

    Q:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    A:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    Q:  But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

    A:  It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


Oh God that was a real cracker!!!  Such scathing sarcasm from the doctor,  he's actually telling the lawyer what a dumbass he is. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D !

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on April 04, 2007, 11:11:23 AM

Study Of Regional Economics


TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation
will be a danger to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICSYou have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a
month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad cows.

ITALIAN ECONOMICSYou have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and
market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on April 09, 2007, 11:51:57 PM

Scene in Court
 A man is on trial charged with assaulting and trying to rape a young a woman.
The young woman is in the dock to explain to the court and the jury what had been done to her.
The judge is prompting her gently. " Now can you tell the court what the accused said to you when he attacked you?"
The girls stutters and stammers
" I don't think I could repeat what he said to me. It is too shameful."
"Okay " says the judge " Perhaps you can write it down and we will pass it to the jury for them to read"
The girl agrees and she writes down a few sentences and passes it to the judge.
 The judge reads what she has written it. It says  "Here is what that man said to me . He said he was going to rip my clothes off and then he was going to ***** my ****** and ***** my ***** and make mad love to me . "
The judge wiped his brow and passed it to the foreman of the jury.
He read it and exclaimed " Oh my God!" and passed it onto the next member of the jury. He read it and said "That's terrible" and passed in on to the next member of the jury, a very handsome young man, who also expressed shock and passed to the next member of the jury who was a young ladyy who had fallen asleep. He nudged her awake and passed her the paper. She read it, looked at the man next to her, winked at him and folded the paper up and put it in her handbag.
"Oi" said the judge.  "Take that paper out of your bag. "
"I will not" said the lady juror. " It's a personal message from this nice young man next to me."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on April 11, 2007, 07:56:14 PM

LOL.... ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on April 12, 2007, 04:31:19 PM

Uhummmh! U guys been having fun ba? Ok. Dave r u ready for this one?

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!"  

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on April 12, 2007, 10:28:59 PM

Know the feeling, but its such a long time ago......................................................

Here's another.

Tony Blair is entertaining George Bush at a country house in England. They decide to go incognito out for a few beers at the village pub.  They put on hats and dark glasses and stroll down walking a sheep dog  just to look like a couple of country guys going down to the pub. They slip in the back door and into the quiet back bar.
As they settle down to their drinks a guy comes in, lifts up the dog's tale, looks under it, looks puzzled and goes out again. A few minutes later another guy comes in and does the same. Then another.
Blair calls the barman over and asks what is going on.
"Well" says the barman  " Somebody has told them there's a dog in the back bar with two a*seholes!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on April 21, 2007, 07:29:37 PM

Overheard on the late show with David Letterman

Dave to audience: Today is earthday; did u know that?

Audience silent

Dave: Well today is earthday and because of that, Donald trump's hair has been declared a protected wetland!! (Drum roll; cymbal clashes end of joke)
 
Polite laughter; smattering clap

Another one:

Dave:Tomorrow is the queen of england's birthday

Audience murmur

Dave: She'll be 81 tomorrow

Audience: Uncertain applause

Dave: the oldest queen in england... second to elton john!!!!! (drum roll cymbal clash END OF JOKE)

Audience: laughter

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on April 22, 2007, 06:36:20 PM

Dat was so funny!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: mlbash on April 22, 2007, 09:03:52 PM

 
 that was cool!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on April 22, 2007, 09:28:21 PM

Here's another couple of jokes I heard at a concert recently.

Man goes into a bar in New York
Orders ten large whiskies.
Starts to drink them, one by one, very fast
Barman asks him" Why are you drinking those whiskies so fast?"
Man replies " You'd drink them quickly if you had what I have!"
Barman replies  "What is it you've got?"
Man replies "50 cents".

Man sees an advert for a job at the zoo and calls for an interview,
At the interview the interviewer says " Can you keep your mouth shut about the job when you go out of here each night"
" I'm sure I can" says the applicant " Why"
" Well" says the interviewer. " Our gorilla has died and we don't have the funds to get another one. Your job will be to wear a gorilla suit and swing about on a rope all day above that big pond"
" That'll be easy " says the applicant.
"Not so fast" says the interviewer  " The pond has crocodiles in it. You mustn't fall off the rope."
" Okay " says the applicant and he starrts his job the next day.
The inevitable of course happens. One day the rope snaps. He falls into the water and, terrified, tries to make for the side. His gorilla suit is filling up with water and the crocodiles are gaining ground on him, their jaws opening and closing savagely
 Eventually he thinks  " Bugger the job" and screams out " Help! Help!"
" Shut up you fool" says one of the crocodiles "or we'll all lose our jobs!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: alkanawi on April 23, 2007, 05:01:21 PM

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment and why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
and something is,  how I can make a woman truly happy??"

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on June 01, 2007, 02:32:42 AM

lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on June 01, 2007, 02:52:51 PM

Take heed
A highly skilled carpenter who had grown old was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house building business and live a more leisurely life with his family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire.

The employer was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter agreed to this proposal but made sure that this will be his last project. Being in a mood to retire, the carpenter was not paying much attention to building this house. His heart was not in his work. He resorted to poor workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end his career.

When the job was done, the carpenter called his employer and showed him the house. The employer handed over some papers and the front door key to the carpenter and said "This is your house, my gift to you."

The carpenter was in a shock! What a shame! If he had only known that he was building his own house, he would have made it better than any other house that he ever built!

Our situation can be compared to this carpenter. Allah Ta'la has sent us to this world to build our homes in paradise by obeying His commands. Now, we have to decide how well we wish to build the homes where we will live forever.


Broke

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of broke do you not understand!!!?"  ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on June 01, 2007, 10:03:14 PM

Quote from: Bakan~Gizo on June 01, 2007, 02:52:51 PM

Broke

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of broke do you not understand!!!?"  ;D[/color]

Oh Lord that was very funny hehehehehehe!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on June 02, 2007, 02:15:08 AM

OMG! i was laughing my head off  :)

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on June 02, 2007, 10:18:01 PM

Laugh out so loud at Dave's Zoo job joke....you are one funny old man u know that?...how do u crack these jokes?

Anoda laugh out loud too at Black Sfyders broke jobe, men that was really funny, i mean ...did it actually happened for real?

Oky lemme drop something naijaish for  you guys...

Bill Clinton went to Nigeria for an official visit;
 while there, he was discussing with Obasanjo one day on a balcony at ASO Rock. Suddenly, NEPA took light all over Abuja. Bill Clinton was annoyed: he turned   to
 Obasanjo and said: "I thought you people were making
  progress in this country, how come   you still have
   Power cuts? This is a big disgrace!" Obasanjo was ashamed and angry, but couldn't say anything. He just kept fuming throughout the rest of the conference.
 Six months later, Obasanjo went to Washington to see Clinton. After   their discussion, they went to the White House balcony to have some drinks and discuss in a relaxed manner. While they where there, Obasanjo looked around the City [it was night] and was surprised to see an area that was dark: there was a power cut in that part of town. Obasanjo was happy! He shouted to
  Bill Clinton: "You came to my country and insulted me on our power system, see your own now? You people also have electricity shortage here in Washington!  Shame on you! "Obasanjo was very happy! Then Bill Clinton frowned, looked at the area called       one aide to ask him where that area was. The aide Whispered in Clinton’s ear, and Clinton burst into laughter. He was laughing so hard that he began to roll on the ground, with tears coming out of his eyes.
  Obasanjo was puzzled, he asked Clinton: "Are you okay?" Clinton finally managed to stand up and pointed to the dark area and said between heavy laughter: "That's the Nigerian Embassy!..."
Have a wonderful day!  

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on June 03, 2007, 02:26:37 AM

Just to add some laughter to your day,Enjoy. :) :) :) :)


Baba Sege got an invitation from the Queen to come and visit her in
England. One afternoon, while drinking tea, he asked the queen her success
secret. She told him that she relies on her people a lot and therefore she
must be certain that they are intelligent. She decided to show him exactly
what she meant and phoned Tony Blair.

"Now listen carefully, Mr. Obasanjo, I'm going to ask Mr. Blair a question
to determine his intelligence. "

Queen: "Oh! hello Mr Blair, I have a question for you: your mother has a
child, and your father has a child. This child is not your brother and is
not your sister. Who is he?"

Tony Blair " It's ME!"

Queen: "Correct! Thank you, bye"

"Did you get that Mr. Obasanjo?" the queen asked. "Yes, thanks a lot, I'll
definitely be using that! "

Once back in Nigeria he decided that he has doubts about Atiku and he's going to ask him the question. He arranged a meeting with him and
asked him:

"Atiku, I have a question for you; your mother has a child and your
father has a child. The child is not your brother and is not your sister,
who is he?."

Atiku thinks...... and thinks, "Em...... you must give me some time to
think about it."

And Mr. Obasanjo decided to give him a day to come out with an answer.

That afternoon, Atiku called a meeting to discuss the question, but
NOBODY knew the answer. They drew up an Atiku family tree, but to no
avail. The next morning, he realised he has to give Obasanjo an answer and
as a last resort, he decided to phone Jerry Rawlings of Ghana .
" Jerry, your mother has a child and your father has a child. The child is
not your brother and is not your sister , who is he?"

Jerry answers immediately. "Hey, Atiku, It's me of course, you dumb
Nigerian!"

Atiku rushed to Obasanjo's office, very impressed to know the answer to
such a difficult question. "Mr. President, I know who he is, it's Jerry
Rawlings!"

Obasanjo: "Jerry Rawlings ko , Jerry Gana ni. You are such a stupid vice
president.

I'll make sure you're removed from office. The child is TONY BLAIR !"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on June 03, 2007, 10:22:34 AM

That was very funny!

Lemme give you a little suomething both Husnaa and Fateez will always frown at...lol!

The New Scientific Element Called Woman

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on June 03, 2007, 03:28:56 PM

Very humorous   :) :)

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on June 03, 2007, 03:34:43 PM

Confession

A man is on his deathbed, and his wife is sitting by his side.

The man says to the wife: "Hon, I have to tell you something."

The wife replies: "Yes, you can tell me anything."

Man: "I slept with your sister"

Wife: "I know"

Man: "And your mom"

Wife: "I know"

Man: "I also slept with your secretary, Mary"

The wife puts a finger to his mouth and says "I know, my darling, now just relax and let the poison work".

 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Fateez on June 03, 2007, 08:49:20 PM

Quote from: *~MuDaCriS~* on June 03, 2007, 10:22:34 AM

That was very funny!

Lemme give you a little suomething both Husnaa and Fateez will always frown at...lol!

The New Scientific Element Called Woman

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Hehehe...U knew we wudnt like it that why u HAD to post it, ko?

Anyways, dis na old gist now. It has been discussed in this forum before, ko ka manta?

Refer to this thread http://kanoonline.com/smf/index.php?topic=1523.0 (http://kanoonline.com/smf/index.php?topic=1523.0)

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on June 04, 2007, 07:43:59 PM

*LOL @ TiZzle*... Oh Yeah? Wut about this?

HOW TO USE AN ATM MACHINE

MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of cheque book
19. Re-check make-up again
20. Drive forward two metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided
24. Re-check make-up
25. Re-start stalled engine and move off
26. Drive for 3 - 4 miles
27. Release hand brake  
 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on June 04, 2007, 08:15:34 PM

Well the best thing about the above female way of getting cash from an ATM is that it is WHITE  WESTERN  WOMAN oriented. So we need not give it too much thought. Abi, find me an ATM in Nigeria, lol  ( and I will try out the manouvres ;D hehehehe!!)

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: MySeLf on June 04, 2007, 10:54:54 PM

Quote from: HUSNAA on June 04, 2007, 08:15:34 PM

find me an ATM in Nigeria, lol  ( and I will try out the manouvres ;D hehehehe!!)

Try fantasia super market, opposite central hotel.
I spotted one there and stop quickly and i was like wow! muma nigeria munci gaba
But when i get closer, kura ta cikashi fal ba abinda yake functioning......lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on June 05, 2007, 10:41:49 AM

LOL...Lallai Husnaa da Myself ba a nija kuke ba.
There are more ATM's in Kano than you could think of.Almost each branch of first bank,zenith bank,GTB etc has a 24hr ATM machine.
Just drive your car and make up kit to get your cash  :P

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on June 05, 2007, 11:05:46 AM

Since we are on the subject of the esteemed 8) femalefolk,


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"


The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: amira on June 05, 2007, 04:18:19 PM

Lol ;D ku dai maza..........

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: MySeLf on June 05, 2007, 08:44:44 PM

Quote from: Bakan~Gizo on June 05, 2007, 11:05:46 AM

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

KAI BAKAN GIZO!!!  :o :o ;D 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on June 06, 2007, 01:33:50 PM

A Polish (someone from Poland, right? ahem! ::)) migrant worker went to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had  to  take   an eye sight test. The  optician  showed him a card with  the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "That's my next door neighbour!"


Amira, Myself; Don Allah one more and I'm off female joke. At least for now ;D


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies."

"Oh. ! Killing any?"

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females."

"How can you tell them apart?"

"Well, 3 were on a beer can,





2 were on the phone." ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on June 07, 2007, 11:55:10 AM

An Open Letter To The Guy Who Stole My 11-Year Old Piece-Of-Junk Car


Dear Sir:

I don't know what attracted you to my car from the hundreds surrounding it in the Long Island Railroad commuter parking lot. Maybe it was the glimmer of metallic silver popping out from beneath the flaking bits of black paint. Perhaps it was the large piece of electrical tape covering the thin strip of what used to be plastic between the driver-side front and rear doors.

Whatever it was, something about my 1993 4-door Honda Civic with the deep dent above the left wheel well called out to you. You needed it, so you took it.

And that's okay. I'm sure I maintained my dignity walking around the parking lot trying to look like I knew where I left my car for over half an hour. When I finally realized it had left the premises without me, I became concerned because, as I'm sure you've realized by now, the car has some -- well, let's just call them "quirks" -- that you, as new owner of the piece-of-crap car, will have to deal with.

For starters, the head gasket blew just last week. Now I'm no mechanic, but, as I've been told, that's the reason why the temperature gauge shoots past the "H" and you get that nice hissing sound when you turn off the engine after a particularly hot ride. It costs about $1,100 to fix, but shop around. Maybe I was just getting hosed.

Oh, and you can't just put the key in and start the car (not that you have a key). You see, the gear lock sticks for some inexplicable reason -- alright, I never had it checked -- so you need to stick the key (or whatever you're using) in the gear release to shift out of park.

I'm sure that all of this means nothing to you because you probably just took it to some chop shop for the valuable decade-old Honda parts - assuming, of course, that the shop was local enough for you to make it without overheating.

If you do find yourself stuck on the side of the road, dig through the glove compartment -- I think my current AAA card is still in there. Maybe they can tow you the rest of the way.

So, in closing, enjoy your new possession, which I understand is now legally 9/10ths yours, and may it provide you with the cash to hold you over until you work up the nerve to steal a nice car.

I would, however, like my CDs back.

Sincerely yours,
Anthony Savona
Long Island, NY

*Anthony Savona is a writer and commuter who lives in the NY area.
Tony's car was recently stolen from a suburban NY train station parking lot. This is his 'open letter' to the still unknown thief.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: kitkat on June 07, 2007, 06:56:16 PM

A man was beating his wife, his friend stopped him and said " kai mahaukaci, ba'a dukan mata, kishiya a ke musu"! On hearing this the woman stopped yelling and said " ci gaba da dukana maigida, dont mind him!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: MySeLf on June 07, 2007, 10:49:44 PM

Quote from: kitkat on June 07, 2007, 06:56:16 PM

ci gaba da dukana maigida, dont mind him!

To yaci gaba da dukanta... hehehe!  ;D ;D
Inya kasheta ai shikenan, sai ayi kishiyar bayanta.... lol

Kai mata da kishi  ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on June 08, 2007, 08:49:53 PM

Haba people,
Where are our good manners.
Mufi joined this forum and babu wanda ya yi mata lale maraba.

Haba Dan borno?this is part of your responsibilities.

Lucky you ALKN is on sabbatical he would have issued u a query.

Anty Husnaa?Myself?Amira?IBB?
Dukkanin ku ke yi mata sannu da zuwa idan ba haka ba na me and u  >:(

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on June 08, 2007, 11:19:04 PM

Two women meet in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to
get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found
him all by himself in the den watching TV.


1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
alive

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on June 09, 2007, 05:02:23 AM

lol nice jokes u got here.

Mufi u r highly welcome keep pourin them jokes

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on June 09, 2007, 09:45:38 AM

Quote from: gogannaka on June 08, 2007, 08:49:53 PM

Haba people,
Where are our good manners.
Mufi joined this forum and babu wanda ya yi mata lale maraba.

Haba Dan borno?this is part of your responsibilities.

Lucky you ALKN is on sabbatical he would have issued u a query.

Anty Husnaa?Myself?Amira?IBB?
Dukkanin ku ke yi mata sannu da zuwa idan ba haka ba na me and u  >:(

For yr ingestion, digestion and excretion, Ba wanda ya taba ce mun sannu da zuwa on this forum. I landed on my head here and bumped it and no one said uffan except to reply to my posts. Personally, I dont think it is necessary to say welcome. Ignoring the person's posts would have been a worse sin. I think I am the first one to reply to a post by Mufida and that was so that she could feel that some one is responding to her messages and that she is not being ignored. To me it smacks of hipocrisy or oiliness or someother to become the board receptionist or maitre'd. We all like each other I am sure and it shows throu conversing, not saying hello or whatever. For further recconnaissance, and get to know u better, the private IM suffices very well, so na u and di rest, I don pull myself out of yr blacklist GGNK  ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: amira on June 09, 2007, 05:02:42 PM

Quote from: kitkat on June 07, 2007, 06:56:16 PM

A man was beating his wife, his friend stopped him and said " kai mahaukaci, ba'a dukan mata, kishiya a ke musu"! On hearing this the woman stopped yelling and said " ci gaba da dukana maigida, dont mind him!

Kai kai kai ina ruwan hauka da kishi :D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: amira on June 09, 2007, 05:06:04 PM

Quote from: gogannaka on June 08, 2007, 08:49:53 PM

Haba people,
Where are our good manners.
Mufi joined this forum and babu wanda ya yi mata lale maraba.

Haba Dan borno?this is part of your responsibilities.

Lucky you ALKN is on sabbatical he would have issued u a query.

Anty Husnaa?Myself?Amira?IBB?
Dukkanin ku ke yi mata sannu da zuwa idan ba haka ba na me and u  >:(

Allah baka hakuri ggnk, bama haka da kai :)
lalle marhaban mufi welcome to our kanoline family ;)

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on June 10, 2007, 11:38:47 AM

The old ones are the best.........

Wife (to husband): "I feel that my breasts are rather too small......."
Husband: " They look all right to me. If it worries you try rubbing toilet paper between them."
Wife: "Will that make them bigger?"
Husband: "Maybe. It certainly worked for your ass."

The husband is still recovering in hospital.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on June 10, 2007, 11:45:22 AM

lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on June 10, 2007, 05:03:38 PM

Anty Husna yi hakuri..LOL 'don't take it too personally'  :P  :P

I remember no one welcomed you either and you compained to admin (i think)
You are welcome to kanoonline (in arrears).
Very sorry.

LOL@ Dave

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on June 17, 2007, 10:33:59 AM

Quote from: gogannaka on June 10, 2007, 05:03:38 PM

Anty Husna yi hakuri..LOL 'don't take it too personally'  :P  :P

I remember no one welcomed you either and you compained to admin (i think)
You are welcome to kanoonline (in arrears).
Very sorry.

LOL@ Dave

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.

"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.

"$345," says the doctor.

"$345!!?" the lady asks.

"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."  

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on June 17, 2007, 10:50:42 AM

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.


Another one pls read on...

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist is perplexed but doesn't give it a second thought. The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.

The pharmacist remembers the day before and starts to wonder what's up but not for too long because he has work to do.The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. Now the pharmacist is intrigued as to what is going on with this guy so he arranges with his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he is going, should the man return.

Wouldn't you know it, The same guy comes back the next day, laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.

The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later. The eager pharmacist asked his assistant where the man went? The assistant said:

"Your house."  

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on June 18, 2007, 12:39:07 AM

 ;D ;D ;D m busy laughin here man. Undertakers will laugh now too. biz don come

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on June 19, 2007, 12:43:02 AM

Woman goes into a butcher's and asks "Is that a sheep's head in the window?"
"No,madame" replies the butcher "Its a mirror."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on June 19, 2007, 11:40:58 AM

 ;D  ;D   Muda, a gaisheka, u go kill me with laugh

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on June 19, 2007, 04:35:30 PM

Quote from: Dave McEwan Hill on June 19, 2007, 12:43:02 AM

Woman goes into a butcher's and asks "Is that a sheep's head in the window?"
"No,madame" replies the butcher "Its a mirror."

Oh Dave (I'm on the floor laughing) Thats wicked!!!! hehehehehehehehehehehehehe!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on June 22, 2007, 12:23:46 AM

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond

female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,

opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily,

back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the

lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and

then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL".

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on June 23, 2007, 08:37:45 AM

A blonde lived on a farm. She didn't get many visitors, so I went to see her...when I got there, she was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to hier, and asked what she was doing standing out there all still and straight. She replied that she was trying to win a Nobel Peace prize. I said, "Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?" She replied, "I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Nobel Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field."

A blond was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT." After thinking for a minute, he said to himself, "oh well!" and turned around and drove home. On his way home, the same blond drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS EIGHT MILES." By the time he drove eight miles, he had cleaned 43 restrooms.

Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished the jigsaw puzzle in only six months? Because on the box, it said "From 2-4 years."

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left. As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on June 23, 2007, 04:48:26 PM

This is not a joke. It's a true story about a blonde.

I ran a hotel and bar here in Argyll.
One night we were sitting at the bar discussing things when the subject of Mr Bobbit came up.
You may remember a few years ago somewhere in America a Mrs Bobbit caught out her husband cheating on her and when he was sleeping one night she got a knife and cut his *willie off.
When the ambulance and police arrived she admitted what she had done and told the police she had thrown her husband's willie into a nearby field. They went out with powerful torches and found it and rushed it to hospital where surgeons managed to graft it back on.

The big blonde (her name was Joyce) after hearing this tale asked " But how did the police with torches know it was his?"

The grafting on was moderately successful I understand

*willie = pe nis

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on June 24, 2007, 10:48:36 AM

Quote from: Dave McEwan Hill on June 23, 2007, 04:48:26 PM

This is not a joke. It's a true story about a blonde.

I ran a hotel and bar here in Argyll.
One night we were sitting at the bar discussing things when the subject of Mr Bobbit came up.
You may remember a few years ago somewhere in America a Mrs Bobbit caught out her husband cheating on her and when he was sleeping one night she got a knife and cut his *willie off.
When the ambulance and police arrived she admitted what she had done and told the police she had thrown her husband's willie into a nearby field. They went out with powerful torches and found it and rushed it to hospital where surgeons managed to graft it back on.

The big blonde (her name was Joyce) after hearing this tale asked " But how did the police with torches know it was his?"

The grafting on was moderately successful I understand

*willie = pe nis

I remember that story also. I read it some yrs ago in Times of News Week magazine, cant remember which. The question is: are blondes really that daft??????? I also seem to recall that Margaret Thatcher when she was prime minister, dyed her hair a darker shade so she could be taken seriously. Her natural hair is blonde in colour.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on June 25, 2007, 09:54:57 PM

Quote from: Dave McEwan Hill on June 23, 2007, 04:48:26 PM

This is not a joke. It's a true story about a blonde.

I ran a hotel and bar here in Argyll.
One night we were sitting at the bar discussing things when the subject of Mr Bobbit came up.
You may remember a few years ago somewhere in America a Mrs Bobbit caught out her husband cheating on her and when he was sleeping one night she got a knife and cut his *willie off.
When the ambulance and police arrived she admitted what she had done and told the police she had thrown her husband's willie into a nearby field. They went out with powerful torches and found it and rushed it to hospital where surgeons managed to graft it back on.

The big blonde (her name was Joyce) after hearing this tale asked " But how did the police with torches know it was his?"

The grafting on was moderately successful I understand

*willie = pe nis

LOL....she's not being daft,Maybe she has cut someone's willie too,or its common practice.
LOL

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on June 26, 2007, 02:36:10 PM

A journalist is interviewing a farmer and notices in the sty, a pig with a single wooden leg. He asks the farmer how this happened. The farmer tells him: "That is an interesting and moving story. One day last year, I was driving my tractor and it hit a large stone; the tractor turned over and pinned me to the ground. I was alone in the field, the tractor caught fire and I shouted out for help. This brave animal heard me, jumped over the sty, dashed across the yard, through the hedge - cutting himself in the process - and, although I was, by then, unconscious through smoke inhalation, he pushed away the vehicle: sustaining burns and bruises. Eventually he pulled me clear, then ran ten, painful, miles to get help, which saved my life."
"So why does he have a wooden leg?" persisited the journalist.
The farmer replied: "A PIG LIKE THAT YOU DON'T EAT ALL AT ONCE." ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on June 27, 2007, 08:40:39 PM

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She
went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog
said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I
failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said,
"That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful
woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish
will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to". The woman replied,

"That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have
eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The
frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And
he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay,
because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the
richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish,
and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.












































The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that women never listen!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on June 27, 2007, 09:27:49 PM

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker
function
and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's Only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new 2006 Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I
wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000'

M AN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of
$900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50
thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on June 28, 2007, 03:20:19 PM

Quote from: mufi on June 27, 2007, 09:27:49 PM

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker
function
and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's Only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new 2006 Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I
wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000'

M AN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of
$900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50
thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

LOL....A very wicked man.
Sounds like a babarbare to me  :P

Quote from: Bakan~Gizo on June 26, 2007, 02:36:10 PM

A journalist is interviewing a farmer and notices in the sty, a pig with a single wooden leg. He asks the farmer how this happened. The farmer tells him: "That is an interesting and moving story. One day last year, I was driving my tractor and it hit a large stone; the tractor turned over and pinned me to the ground. I was alone in the field, the tractor caught fire and I shouted out for help. This brave animal heard me, jumped over the sty, dashed across the yard, through the hedge - cutting himself in the process - and, although I was, by then, unconscious through smoke inhalation, he pushed away the vehicle: sustaining burns and bruises. Eventually he pulled me clear, then ran ten, painful, miles to get help, which saved my life."
"So why does he have a wooden leg?" persisited the journalist.
The farmer replied: "A PIG LIKE THAT YOU DON'T EAT ALL AT ONCE." ;D

LOL cant believe he'll eat the pig!
LOL

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on June 29, 2007, 03:36:10 PM

A Can of Peaches

An 80yr old woman was arrested for shoplifting. when she went before

the judge, he asked her,' what did you steal?' she replied:A can of

peaches. the judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied  that she 

was hungry. then te judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. she

replied , '6'. then the judge said , " i will give you 6 days in jail".
 
before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the  womans

husband spoke up and asked if he could say something. he said "what is it?"

the husband said, ' she also stole a can of peas'.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on June 30, 2007, 05:10:50 AM

Quote from: mufi on June 29, 2007, 03:36:10 PM

A Can of Peaches

An 80yr old woman was arrested for shoplifting. when she went before

the judge, he asked her,' what did you steal?' she replied:A can of


the husband said, ' she also stole a can of peas'.

I hope the judge sentences the husband for such disloyalty!! Lets say as may days as there were peas in the can!! heheheeeh

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Yakab on June 30, 2007, 02:18:19 PM

CONFUSED!. A  Woman  working at a  doctor’s   office   was  listening  to  a  tape   from  a   transcribe  she  ordered  for  the   doctor’s   office. She    came    across  a   gibberish    diagnostic:  This  man   has  “Phalinfromatry”.  The  woman   has   no    knowledge   of   this   diagnostic   decided   to   double   check  with  the   doctor.  The  doctor   listened   to   the   tape  and  came  out   shaking  his   head.  He  said  to  the  woman   “THIS  MAN”    translating  to   her   “HAS   FALLEN  FROM  A   TREE”.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on June 30, 2007, 09:14:12 PM

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting,
cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you?
I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out
of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the
father, the mother and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your
daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her
because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay
all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is
born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank
account. If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there
is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll sleep with her again!" what would you have done?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on July 01, 2007, 07:34:22 AM

lol sleep with her again. Real option

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on July 01, 2007, 09:49:48 AM

LoL loud at IBB's Genie Frog joke, but men u didnt realise that u will personally annoy Husnaa and Fateez? To ka dauki matakin compensation da wuri.

LoL sosai again at Mufi's The Perfect Husband Joke, that was a thrill, u got me cracking my ribs till they hurt, Allah Sarki whomever the mobile was for! Kai!

Here is this one...

Bilingual Lawyer

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"


Another layer jokes sorry lawyers...

Unjustice In Hell

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'

'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'


Funny ehn? Okay here's the last but not the least...my favourite!

Double The Wish
A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."

"What catch?" the man asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars," said the genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.

"What is your third and final wish?"

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"


 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on July 02, 2007, 03:08:06 AM

lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on July 02, 2007, 07:04:53 PM

Quote from: *~MuDaCriS~* on July 01, 2007, 09:49:48 AM

LoL loud at IBB's Genie Frog joke, but men u didnt realise that u will personally annoy Husnaa and Fateez? To ka dauki matakin compensation da wuri.

LoL sosai again at Mufi's The Perfect Husband Joke, that was a thrill, u got me cracking my ribs till they hurt, Allah Sarki whomever the mobile was for! Kai!

We've developed thick skins Muda....  ;D It will take more than IBB's little crack to get us going again, besides it was a good joke!! hahaha ur lawyer joke is similar to it as well

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: kitkat on July 06, 2007, 12:19:45 AM

THINK LIKE A LOSER.....

1-Learn that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2-Never rush into a job or opportunity without a lifetime of consideration.

2-Believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from your obligations.

1-All deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

3-Never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

4-If at first you don’t succeed, there is always next year.

5-Always decide not to decide, unless of course you change your mind.

6-Always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when you get around to it.

7-Know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

8-Never put off tomorrow, what you can forget about forever.

Congratulations, you are now officially thinking like a loser.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on July 06, 2007, 12:35:27 AM

There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole
world!!
 
Once when Bubba got a new job, he says to his new boss, "Boss, I
know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him,
so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but
Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!"
then Bubba says "Pick someone and I know them!"
 
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a
name.
 
"Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba say "Tom
Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were
kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says
"Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom
Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck
answers and Bubba says "Tom!!!" and Tom says "Bubba!" and they
hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe
it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one
person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody
else!"
 
This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill
Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I
do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's
boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" So
they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a
press conference. They work their way through the crowd until
Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!"
and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference
they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned
- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two
people in one country - that doesn't mean he knows everyone in
the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick
someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
 
And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope!
You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pose
BAPTIZED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba
says "Yes he did!" So they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving
Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work
their way through the crowd - without much luck - so Bubba says
"Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these
people so I tell you what - I'll work my way up there and when I
do, I'll give you a sign that show you I know the Pope!" and he
leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just
when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the
balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!
 
Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back
and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss!
Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what
happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says, "OK, I can see
Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton and I can even take the
Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks
 
'Who's that up there with Bubba?', that's a little more than I
can take!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on July 06, 2007, 09:11:45 PM

Confession

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

here is another one....

Fooling Around

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on July 12, 2007, 09:33:52 PM

MARRY BY ALL MEANS
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife,
there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of
transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on July 13, 2007, 03:19:00 AM

Men disparaging their wives is an unconscious way of protesting the fact that they cant live without them.  So let them disparage till the cows come home. Man cant live without woman. Remember that Allah Created paradise, He Created Adam and Put him in paradise. Despite all the pleasures available in paradise, Allah Created Eve for Adam. So why was it that the pleasures of paradise were not enough? Adam had to have Eve to enjoy paradise to the full. Think about it!!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on July 13, 2007, 02:33:56 PM

Gaisheki dai ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on July 13, 2007, 04:37:29 PM

Quote from: HUSNAA on July 13, 2007, 03:19:00 AM

Men disparaging their wives is an unconscious way of protesting the fact that they cant live without them.  So let them disparage till the cows come home. Man cant live without woman. Remember that Allah Created paradise, He Created Adam and Put him in paradise. Despite all the pleasures available in paradise, Allah Created Eve for Adam. So why was it that the pleasures of paradise were not enough? Adam had to have Eve to enjoy paradise to the full. Think about it!!!!

You said it wonderfully, i couldn't have said it better than that.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on July 13, 2007, 06:17:05 PM

Beijin Declaration!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on July 13, 2007, 09:34:52 PM

LOL hard at IBB's joke

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: EMTL on July 14, 2007, 12:57:42 PM

Assalamu alaikum,
...this is becoming very interesting, let me share with you what i read in a book (Courtship & Marraige in Islam) about Husband and wife:

Man would not find a better friend than his wife. She (a pious wife) conceals his secrets, supports his endeavours, allays his fears and troubles, ignites and then quenches the flame of his desire. She provides for him and their children solace and security. In a pious husband, a woman finds protection and love. Apart from him (husband) nothing screens her secret and weaknesses other than her grave. Allah (SWT), the Exalted, says in the Holy Qur'an: “Among his signs is that He created mates for you from among yourselves that you may find rest in them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts.” Q (30: 21)

Your wife is your partner, your other half and your life mate. She can be your Hassanah in this world and "the blessing of your life," but only if you give her the chance to be. She is the one who can bring a smile to your face and dry the tears of pain from your eyes. She has the potential to provide your family with iman, happiness, encouragement, and patience in the face of challenges you may face. Your wife is always ready to sacrifice everything in order to bring happiness and success to the family.

No one can claim that marriage is always blissful or that there will never be any hardships to face. But, if the basis of the relationship is Shariah Compliant: strong and each person has a clear vision of his partners' rights, then challenges can easily be overcome.

One, two three or Four???
A successful Man is that who married two women at STP- ofcourse the Glorious Quran urges men to marry 2, or 3, or 4 and marry only 1 as the last option. The first option is 2.

A person with up to 3 wives at STP like a 'Judge' he treats many cases

A person is like a 'Government'. Do I need to define a Government?

If a man clings to ONLY 1 wife, he is most times frustrated, he deprive himself of love, freedom, choice and supplementary Ibadat. Both the Husband & wife are not certain they love each other- fisabillah, most times they complain as IBB wrote above.

A Bachelor is like an un-born.

A Divorcee has succesfully Failed an improtant test in life. Let him ponder on lessons learnt and take a resit.

STP: same time and place.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on July 14, 2007, 01:49:16 PM

Wow...! R u saying that it is now compulsory to marry 2? What if i find solace in the first wife?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on July 14, 2007, 04:39:21 PM

Marry 2 ,3 or 4 and if u cant treat them with equal justice (and u can never do so) then marry only 1.
Seems to me that the clause (u can never treat wives equally) means that the last option (1 wife) is the default option and NOT any of the others... although being from opposite sexes, we will never see eye to eye on the issue........however u are right about not being certain of loving each other if its just one man and one woman. What I mean is that at least for a woman her emotional mettle is tested more if she has a cowife than if she doesnt have one. Anyway men are incapable of sustaining emotional love, that is why they can live with more than one woman.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: EMTL on July 15, 2007, 10:25:20 AM

Quote from: *~MuDaCriS~* on July 14, 2007, 01:49:16 PM

Wow...! R u saying that it is now compulsory to marry 2? What if i find solace in the first wife?

Assalamu alaikum,
Some people are even exempted, let me also qoute from the book on Marriage and Courtship in Islam:
Factors Determining The Position Of Marriage To A Muslim.  As described below, desire, health and means are the factors that determine whether it is compulsory (Fard), lawful and recommendable (Halal), detestable (Mak’ruh) or prohibited (Haram) for a person to marry.

Marriage is Fard (compulsory) to a person who can afford the means, is healthy and cannot control his desire for women though he likes bearing children.

ii It is Halal (Lawful); marriage is halal (lawful) to a person who can afford the means while he can control his desires despite being healthy.

iii. It is Mak’ruh (detested) to a person who may be healthy but cannot afford rearing and does not possess any desire for women.

iv. It is Haram (prohibited) to a person who is not healthy (e.g. impotent) and and/or has no desire for women.

It is therefore important for those Muslim brothers, who can afford, to marry multiple wives, to emulate the Holy Prophet (PBUH) and his Companions (RA). This is recommended according to the following hadith narrated by Said bin Jubair (RA) who said bn 'Abbas (RA) asked me, "Are you married?" I replied, "No." He said, "Marry, for the best person of this nation (Muslim Umma) of all other Muslims (i.e., Muhammad [PBUH]), had the largest number of wives." 37

Muda,
If you send me your address i could send you a copy of this little book Insha Allah.

The bottom line is that Marriage is an act of worship.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: EMTL on July 15, 2007, 11:00:50 AM

Quote from: HUSNAA on July 14, 2007, 04:39:21 PM

Marry 2 ,3 or 4 and if u cant treat them with equal justice (and u can never do so) then marry only 1.
Seems to me that the clause (u can never treat wives equally) means that the last option (1 wife) is the default option and NOT any of the others... although being from opposite sexes, we will never see eye to eye on the issue........however u are right about not being certain of loving each other if its just one man and one woman. What I mean is that at least for a woman her emotional mettle is tested more if she has a cowife than if she doesnt have one. Anyway men are incapable of sustaining emotional love, that is why they can live with more than one woman.

The position of Shariah is marry 2, or 3 or 4 or ONLY 1 (in fact the last option is for one to marry a slave girl- when they were available). The first option therefore is 2.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: EMTL on July 15, 2007, 11:11:39 AM

Quote from: HUSNAA on July 14, 2007, 04:39:21 PM

Marry 2 ,3 or 4 and if u cant treat them with equal justice (and u can never do so) then marry only 1.
Seems to me that the clause (u can never treat wives equally) means that the last option (1 wife) is the default option and NOT any of the others... although being from opposite sexes, we will never see eye to eye on the issue........however u are right about not being certain of loving each other if its just one man and one woman. What I mean is that at least for a woman her emotional mettle is tested more if she has a cowife than if she doesnt have one. Anyway men are incapable of sustaining emotional love, that is why they can live with more than one woman.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on July 16, 2007, 03:00:16 PM

Quote from: HUSNAA on July 14, 2007, 04:39:21 PM

Marry 2 ,3 or 4 and if u cant treat them with equal justice (and u can never do so)

Yes, you can. That condition refers to material things, and it is not impossible, or beyond man to treat his wives equally materially. What is almost impossible is equal love/emotion, and Allah in His Infinite Wisdom and Mercy, has not made that a pre-condition for polygamy.

Quote

Anyway men are incapable of sustaining emotional love, that is why they can live with more than one woman.

Ouch! That's a big thumbsdown on us ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on July 16, 2007, 07:46:17 PM

EMTL - how many wives do u have?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on July 19, 2007, 08:01:59 PM

Quote from: Bakan~Gizo on July 16, 2007, 03:00:16 PM

Quote from: HUSNAA on July 14, 2007, 04:39:21 PM

Marry 2 ,3 or 4 and if u cant treat them with equal justice (and u can never do so)

Yes, you can. That condition refers to material things, and it is not impossible, or beyond man to treat his wives equally materially. What is almost impossible is equal love/emotion, and Allah in His Infinite Wisdom and Mercy, has not made that a pre-condition for polygamy.

The problem is that it is that special feeling that one man can have for one of his wives only, that leads him to treat them unequally materiallyor emotionally. Men maybe physically strong, but they are emotionally weak. They cant feel genuinely, and when they do feel genuinely, it proves their undoing, bcos then sai mowar  ta iya juya su kamar waina a kasko.. and that brings on the physical inequality

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on July 21, 2007, 11:16:50 AM

I must disagree with u, a man becomes what he chooses to be not because he is controlled by a force he cannot defend, so the question of being emotionally weak does not arise in this respect, the thing is many men enjoy the feel of playing tricks between their wives, first of all they want to feel among or superior in the society by possessing two or more wives, if a man is leaning so much on a particular wife is only because he chooses to be manipulated by her cause i dont see any reason whereby a bread winner of the house will be commanded at will, so my dear Husnaa it is not a matter of being weak emotionally but a matter of choice.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on July 21, 2007, 04:19:57 PM

Quote from: *~MuDaCriS~* on July 21, 2007, 11:16:50 AM

I must disagree with u, a man becomes what he chooses to be not because he is controlled by a force he cannot defend, so the question of being emotionally weak does not arise in this respect, the thing is many men enjoy the feel of playing tricks between their wives, first of all they want to feel among or superior in the society by possessing two or more wives, if a man is leaning so much on a particular wife is only because he chooses to be manipulated by her cause i dont see any reason whereby a bread winner of the house will be commanded at will, so my dear Husnaa it is not a matter of being weak emotionally but a matter of choice.

Ahem.. cleared my throat.. Ahem again.. Now until u qualify to talk about it, we will just leave it at that..... abi? ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on July 22, 2007, 02:28:02 PM

ok am not experienced ba? Same applies to you to cos you are an only wife abi? he he!

Check this out!

Baby Delivery

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"

"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.


Then the torso came out and it was yellow.
"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."

"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.

He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"  

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on July 23, 2007, 10:16:28 AM

Quote from: *~MuDaCriS~* on July 22, 2007, 02:28:02 PM

ok am not experienced ba? Same applies to you to cos you are an only wife abi? he he!

'Touche'! As the French say.. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Quote from: *~MuDaCriS~* on July 22, 2007, 02:28:02 PM

He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!" [/color]

Yeuk!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on July 23, 2007, 03:08:14 PM

Ash kin gane dai...i get gist special for you o! you want hear am?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on July 23, 2007, 06:53:03 PM

lol spit it out! i WAN HEARAM

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on July 23, 2007, 07:54:10 PM

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me! " - That's Direct Marketing"


2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you  says: " He's very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising"


3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: " Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me - That's Telemarketing"


4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:"By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations"
 
 
5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich! "Can you marry ! Me?" - That's Brand Recognition"


6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - " That's Customer Feedback"


7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap"


8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"


9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets "

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on July 23, 2007, 08:03:30 PM

5 Minute Management Course
 

>Lesson 1:
>A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
>finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The
>wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
>downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
>the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob
>says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After
>thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
>stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
>hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in
>the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the
>bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was
>Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the
>husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he
>owes me?"
>Moral of the story:
>If you share critical information pertaining to credit
>and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in
>a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
>
>Lesson 2:
>A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed
>her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest
>nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
>stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
>"Father, remember Psalm129?" The priest removed his
>hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
>her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father,
>remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry
>sister but the flesh is weak". Arriving at the
>convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
>On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
>look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek,
>further up, you will find glory."
>Moral of the story:
>If you are not well informed in your job, you might
>miss a great opportunity.
>
>Lesson 3:
>A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager
>are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
>lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie
>says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me
>first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be
>in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in
>the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says
>the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
>the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
>of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's
>gone."OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
>The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
>after lunch."
>Moral of the story:
>Always let your boss have the first say.
>
>
>Lesson 4
>An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
>A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I
>also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered:
>"Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
>below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
>appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
>Moral of the story:
>To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
>very, very high up.
>
>Lesson 5
>A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
>able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
>turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why
>don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
>bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey
>pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave
>him enough
>strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The
>next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
>second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the
>turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He
>was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
>the tree.
>
>Moral of the story:
>BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
>you there.
>
>Lesson 6
>A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
>so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a
>large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by
>and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay
>there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how
>warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He
>lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing
>for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came
>to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
>discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
>promptly dug him out and ate him.
>
>Morals of the story:
>(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
>(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
>friend.
>(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
>your mouth shut!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on July 24, 2007, 05:44:41 AM

Lol we have an Aesop in IBB.. keep them coming!!!   ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on July 24, 2007, 03:40:14 PM

THIS IS WHAT A GUY WROTE TO A SYSTEM ANALYST;
 
Dear Systems Department,
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began
unexpected child Processing and also took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In
addition Wife 1.0 Installs itself into all other
programs and launches during systems Initialization
and then it monitors all other system
activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf
5.3" no longer Run, and crashes the system whenever
selected. Attempting to operate Selected "Saturday
Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1"
runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
whilst attempting to run any of my favourite
applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but
uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
       
...... AND THIS IS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID;
 Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding of the functions of the "wife1.0
"program. Many customers upgrade from "Girlfriend 7.0"
to "Wife 1.0 " thinking that "Wife 1.0" is merely a
UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.
Actually, "Wife 1.0 " is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed
by it's Creator to Run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge "Wife 1.0 "and
still convert back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", as "Wife 1.0
" was not designed to do this and it is Impossible to
uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed. Some people have tried to
install "Girlfriend 8.0 "or
"Wife 2.0 "  but have ended up with even more
problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and
Solicitors' Fees).
Having " Wife 1.0 " installed, I recommend you keep it
installed And deal with the difficulties as best as
you can. When any faults or problems Occur, whatever
you think has caused them, you must run the
C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME Program and avoid attempting
to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire
system.
It may be necessary to run  C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME
for a number of  times, and eventually hope that the
operating system will return to normal.
"Wife 1.0 ", although a very high maintenance program,
can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it,
consider buying additional Software  such as "Flowers
2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or  "HUGS\KISSES 600.0" or
"TENDERNESS \ UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "Eating
Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if child processing has
already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1"
(Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for "Wife 1.0 "and the system will almost certainly CRASH.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst,

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on July 25, 2007, 12:04:41 AM

lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: amira on July 26, 2007, 04:09:10 PM

 ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on July 26, 2007, 10:40:29 PM

A farmer is worried that his bull is not doing the business with his cows so he goes to the vet who gives him some powder to feed the bull. The farmer mixes it up with the bulls feed and gives it to it. The next day the bull is rampaging about the field mounting every cow it can catch.
The farmer next door notices this and a few days later he comes round and asks the first farmer what he is feeding the bull.
" I don't know what it is called" says the first farmer "but it tastes a bit like chocolate!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on July 27, 2007, 03:07:59 PM

Hi Dave!! Long time no write.. I only ever see u browsing the forum these days.. if to say una no dey write, we for put yr name for 'cigiya 'yan uwa' for as far as wetin consine una consine us as una sef be white northern nigerian (ko kuwa?) ;D ;D ;D ;D

(Sorry for my atrocious pidgin english)  :-[

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on July 28, 2007, 12:28:15 AM

I'm still here and I visit daily. Every time however that I bring up a subject which some on this forum find hard to deal with (as I did on the item on Northern prostitution and my experieces on the matter as VC of a female college) there is a deafening silence following it.
Wallahi, there are some bad things in the North that everybody wants to avoid facing up to.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on July 28, 2007, 02:24:45 PM

Hey Dave, i have to ask the same question, where have u been? About the excerpt, i will like to read it myself, show me where it is, thankxx.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on July 28, 2007, 09:17:13 PM

Mudacris
Posted on the General Board on 9th July in response to a serious concern by Al Nazeer on " Northern Nigerian Girls and Prostitution". Not a pleasant read.
Dave

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on July 28, 2007, 09:33:24 PM

And a rude joke..................

Man goes to plastic surgeon. Is concerned about the tiny size of his manhood and asks the doc if there is anything he can do about it.
Doc tells him " I have friend who is vet. If you're prepared to pay me $10,000 and keep what I am offering a secret we can give you a big transplant."
Man agrees and goes into the operation. When he wakes up he has indeed a huge thingy.
"From a donkey" confesses the doctor. " Give it a week to get properly fixed and then try it out. Let us know how it works."
A fortnight later the man arrives back to see the doctor.
"Well?" says the doctor.
"It's g-g-g-g-great" says the man. " My w-w-w-ife and my g-g-g-irl f-f-friends thinks it ma-ma-ma-marvelous. Only p-p-p-problem is I've now g-g-g-ot this terrible st-st-st-stutter. I'm a senior le-le-le-lecturer. I'll have to have it off again!"
He goes in for reverse operation.
A fortnight passess and the man arrives back again at the doc's surgery.
" I've decided to give up my job as a senior lecturer and get that donkey's thinggy stitched back on again" he suggests to the doctor/

"To-to-to-too l-l-l-late" says the doctor.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on July 29, 2007, 11:13:58 PM

ha ha

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on July 30, 2007, 01:33:40 PM

Judging by the blue jokes that are so ubiquitous in this thread, I think it shouldnt be called make me laugh. It should be called the blue corner..

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on July 31, 2007, 02:21:05 PM

Lol... Bad man Dave..lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on July 31, 2007, 02:33:22 PM

This is funny but a little bit blue...sorry

Go To Work

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."  

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on July 31, 2007, 02:40:35 PM

THis one is completly blue free...enjoy

Wrong Expression

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”  

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on August 01, 2007, 10:33:28 AM

Quote from: HUSNAA on July 30, 2007, 01:33:40 PM

I think it shouldnt be called make me laugh...

Huh? ??? Blue or red, they still make us laugh ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on August 01, 2007, 10:39:34 AM

Quote from: *~MuDaCriS~* on July 31, 2007, 02:40:35 PM

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”  

Wayyo, wannan ya shiga uku ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on August 01, 2007, 08:58:32 PM

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:...........................

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:
Time of return: ..........   Date: ........ Time of departure: ............ NOT to exceed: ...........

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.

Amount of alcohol allowed (units): Beer.....  Wine......... Liquor ........ Total ..........

Locations to be visited:
Location:......... From:...... To:.......
Location:......... From:...... To:.......
Location:......... From:...... To:.......

Females with whom conversation is permitted: ..................................................

IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Not withstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimited shopping spree, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.
I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.

Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:...................

Request is: APPROVED......... DENIED..............

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
...……………………………………………………………………………………………………………....................
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:
Date:.......... Time of departure:........ Time of return:..........

Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:.............................

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on August 01, 2007, 09:01:07 PM

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GIRLS

Name of Girlfriend/Fiancé/Partner/Wife:.....................................

I’m going out.

Signed: (me) _____________________________

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on August 02, 2007, 10:58:46 AM

Blonde Jokes

>
>
>
>BLONDE LOGIC
>     Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,
 and
>one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...
>Florida or the  moon?'
>     The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see
 Florida
>?????'
>
>CAR TROUBLE
>     A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
 mechanic it
>died.
>     After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
>     She says, 'What's the story?'
>     He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
>     She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
>
>SPEEDING TICKET
>     A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
 nicely
>if he could see her license.
>     She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act
 together.
>Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me
 to
>show it to you!'
>
>RIVER WALK
>     There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
 
>another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I
 get
>to the other side?'
>     The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
 shouts
>back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
>
>AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
>     A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
 that
>her body hurt wherever she touched it.
>     'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
>The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
 then
>she  pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
>screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
>touched made her scream.
>     The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
>     'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
>     'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
>
>KNITTING
>     A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
 freeway.
>Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
 the
>wheel was knitting!
>     Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and
 siren, the
>trooper  cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
 'PULL
>OVER!'
>     'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
>
>BLONDE ON THE SUN
>     A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
 Russian
>said, 'We were the first in space!'
>     The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
>     The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the
 sun!'
>     The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
 
>heads.  'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said
 the
>Russian.
>     To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're
 going
>at night!'
>
>IN A VACUUM
>     A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
 She
>rolled the  dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
 'If
>you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
>     She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
>
>FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
>      A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
 dogs,
>and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying
 that
>one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
>     Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like
 that?'
>'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond.  'They're watch dogs!'
>
>
>
>
>

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on August 08, 2007, 11:19:46 PM

MBA v/s Engineer



This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a

competition organized in Britain and this joke was sent by a Pakistani......

An MBA and an Engineer go on a camping trip,

set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend.

"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."




The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" The MBA ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are

millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.



Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Economically there are mass scales of stars in the sky.


So "Economy of Scale " would be the ideal strategy in that market.

Strategically such market would be a volume driven market

Financially it would be a low margin market.

From HR point of view we would require huge manpower

What does it tell you?"


The Engineer is silent for a moment, then speaks.
 
 
"Practically"




*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Someone has stolen our TENT"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on August 09, 2007, 03:38:09 AM

that was very funny. It shuld be the nerd versus the layman actually  ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on August 09, 2007, 07:23:05 PM

Abi? lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: amira on August 13, 2007, 07:47:15 PM

A bunch of hippies lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on August 13, 2007, 11:39:51 PM

This guy goes into the doctor and says " Doctor, Doctor, I need your help. I keep thinking I'm a moth."
Doctor replies " Can't help you. I'm a medical doctor. It's a psychiatrist you need. There's one further up the road."
Guy replies " I know. That's where I was going. But I couldn't pass your office. Your light was on!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on August 19, 2007, 11:34:33 AM

Dave my man...keep doin it man...lol!

Check this out...!

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.  Upon her return, her father greeted her, "Where have ye been all this time?  Why did ye not write to us, even a line?  Why didn't ye call?  Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

 The girl, crying, replied, "Father, I became a prostitute."

 "Ye what!!!?  Out of here, ye shameless harlot!  Sinner!  You're a disgrace to this family."

  "OK, dad, as ye wish.  I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, and for both of you a title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.  For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye, daddy, a new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Country Club....and an invitation for ye to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera and...."

 "Now what was it ye said ye'd become?" dad interrupts.

 The girl, crying and sniffing again, says, "A prostitute, dad!"

  "Oh!!  Be Jesus!  Ye scared me half to death, girl!  I thought ye said a 'Protestant'.  Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on August 19, 2007, 05:35:07 PM

LOL! thats what the world has come to, parent's not caring what their kids are doing as long as they the big bucks or as the saying the "big Bacon" ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on August 19, 2007, 05:46:43 PM

Quote from: *~MuDaCriS~* on August 19, 2007, 11:34:33 AM

Dave my man...keep doin it man...lol!

Check this out...!

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.  Upon her return, her father greeted her, "Where have ye been all this time?  Why did ye not write to us, even a line?  Why didn't ye call?  Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

 The girl, crying, replied, "Father, I became a prostitute."

 "Ye what!!!?  Out of here, ye shameless harlot!  Sinner!  You're a disgrace to this family."

  "OK, dad, as ye wish.  I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, and for both of you a title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.  For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye, daddy, a new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Country Club....and an invitation for ye to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera and...."

 "Now what was it ye said ye'd become?" dad interrupts.

 The girl, crying and sniffing again, says, "A prostitute, dad!"

  "Oh!!  Be Jesus!  Ye scared me half to death, girl!  I thought ye said a 'Protestant'.  Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

Oh that was just so so funny!!! hehehehe
Wannan kuma, wa'yansu 'yan uwa, wa da kani, sukaje gaida mahaifiyar su a lokaci daya, amma kowa tafiyar sa dabam take. Sana'ar wan, malamin makaranta ne, tsakanin primary ko secondary. Shi kuma kanin wani hamshakin attajiri ne. Sai suka gamu a soron gidan da mahaifiyar tasu take, suka sa akayi sallama da mahaifiyar su. Ka fin ta fito ta tarad da su a zaure, sai gaddama ta kaure tsakanin su; dama ba shiri suke yi da juna ba. Da yake wan ya fi kanin karfi, sai  ya kada shi har kasa ya same shi ya danne yana ta jibga. Can uwar tasu ta fito. Bata ankara ba sai ta gan su kicikici a kasa babban dan nata  ya maida kanin katifa. Sai ta saka hannuwan ta akan ta,  ta bazama cikin gida tana kururuwa ta na cewa:
"Wayyo, jama' a ku kawo mun gudunmawa, yau ga matacce zai kashe rayayye!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on August 19, 2007, 09:08:16 PM

lol Nwa woh talaka ya shiga uku. Allah rufa mana asiri dunia da lahira

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on August 20, 2007, 12:10:16 AM

Amin ya Rabbi IBB.

Here is another funny one.

NEVER LIE TO A WOMAN!!!!

 
 
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: kitkat on August 20, 2007, 09:26:04 AM

 A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through
>           the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money
> his
>           parents gave him.
>
>
>           Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you
>           won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up
> with!
>
>           Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach
>           our dog BHOVA how to talk!"
>
>           "That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in
>           that program?"
>
>           "Just send him down here with R15,000" the boy says. "I'll get him
>           into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the R15,000.
>
>           About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
>           The boy calls his father again. "So how's BHOVA doing, son," his
> father asks.
>
>           "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just
>           won't believe this - they've had such good results with this
>           program that they've implemented a new ! one to teach the animals
> how to
>           READ!"
>
>           "READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get
> him
>           in that program?"
>
>           Just send R18,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends
> the
>           money.
>
>           The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
>           find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the
> dog.
>
>           When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all
>           excited. "Where's BHOVA? I just can't wait to see him talk and
> read
>           something!"
>
>           "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning,
>           just before we left to drive home, BHOVA was in the living room
> kicking
>           back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually
> does.
>
>           Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin'
>           around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'
>
>           The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a b*tch before he
> talks
>           to your Mother!"
>           "I sure did, Dad!"
>
>           "That's my boy!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on August 20, 2007, 12:36:48 PM

LOL ;D Keep them coming guys.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on August 20, 2007, 08:13:28 PM

                                                       Poor Bhova............

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on August 20, 2007, 09:03:22 PM

Here is another piece that i find interesting and humurously amusing, may be some of you have come across it. Enjoy.

There was a young man who went overseas to study for quite a long time. When he returned, he asked his parents to find him a religious scholar or any expert who could answer his 3 Questions. Finally, his parents were able to find a Muslim scholar.

Young man: Who are you? Can you answer my questions?

Scholar: I am one of Allah (SubHana Wa Ta`ala )'s slaves and Insha-Allah (God willing), I will be able to answer your questions.

Young man: Are you sure? A lot of Professors and experts were not able to answer my questions.

Scholar: I will try my best, with the help of Allah(SubHana Wa Ta`ala).

Young Man: I have 3 questions:



1. Does God exist? If so, show me His shape.


2. What is thaqdir (fate)?


3. If shaitan (Devil) was created from the fire, why at the end he will be thrown to hell that is also created from fire. It certainly will not hurt him at all, since Shaitan (Devil) and the hell were created from fire. Did God not think of it this far?



Suddenly, the Scholar slapped the young man's face very hard.

Young Man (feeling pain): Why do you get angry at me?

Scholar: I am not angry. The slap is my answer to your three questions.

Young Man: I really don't understand.

Scholar: How do you feel after I slapped you?

Young Man: Of course, I felt the pain.

Scholar: So do you believe that pain exists?

Young Man: Yes.

Scholar: Show me the shape of the pain!

Young Man: I cannot.

Scholar: That is my first answer. All of us feel God's existence without being able to see His shape... Last night, did you dream that you will be slapped by me?

Young Man: No.

Scholar: Did you ever think that you will get a slap from me, today?

Young Man: No.

Scholar: That is takdir (fate) my second answer........ My hand that I used to slap you, what is it created from?

Young Man: It is created from flesh.

Scholar: How about your face, what is it created from?

Young Man: Flesh.

Scholar: How do you feel after I slapped you?

Young Man: In pain.

Scholar: Thats it. this is my third answer, Even though Shaitan (Devil) and also the hell were created from the fire, if Allah wants, insha-Allah (God willing), the hell will become a very painful place for Shaitan

Allah (swt) said:
"If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you." If you are not ashamed, pass this message on...only if you believe.

"Yes, I love Allah. Allah is my fountain of Life and My Savior. Allah keeps me going day & night. Without Allah, I am no one. But with Allah, I can do everything. Allah is my strength."

May Allah help us all to succeed... Ameen
 
 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: amira on August 21, 2007, 05:03:24 PM

Ameen, that was a nice one mufi a real good one ;)

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on August 21, 2007, 11:59:18 PM

Quote from: amira on August 21, 2007, 05:03:24 PM

Ameen, that was a nice one mufi a real good one ;)

Thank U amira.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on August 22, 2007, 12:19:34 AM

Here's a joke - some of it in Scottish dialect ( I provide translation at the bottom).

A Scottish farmer comes to a river and sees an Englishman sqauatting down and scooping water out of it in is hand to drink.
He says *"Och, mon. Ah Widnae drink that watter. It's fu o' coos keech. "
The man turns round and replies rudely " I don't understand slang foreign languages. Kindly address me in the Queen's English."
" Okay" replies the farmer " I was just saying that if you use both hands you'll be able to drink a lot more of that water."

translation " I say,sir I wouldn't drink that water. It is full of cows shit"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on August 22, 2007, 10:35:34 AM

Lol Dave! Even I would tell the rude bugger the same!!! hahaha!
coos keech how quaint!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on August 26, 2007, 05:00:54 PM

American tourists driving down from Jos to Kano stop at Tudun Wada Dankadai.
Trader sees them coming but has nothing much to sell so he grabs a pile of goat's shit and speads it out over the table.
American tourist approaches and asks "Gee, what are these?"
"These are special learning tablets" replies the trader "made from a ancient remedy and dried in the wholesome rays of the sun."
" Gee, how much are they?" asks the American
" 35 Naira each" replies the trader
" I'll try one" says the American, handing over a bundle of Naira and popping a "tablet" in his mouth.
" Ugh" he exclaims, spitting it out again "That tasted like goat shit!"
" See" says the trader " You're learning already!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: kharuldeen on August 26, 2007, 11:05:35 PM

Quote from: Dave McEwan Hill on August 26, 2007, 05:00:54 PM

American tourists driving down from Jos to Kano stop at Tudun Wada Dankadai.
Trader sees them coming but has nothing much to sell so he grabs a pile of goat's shit and speads it out over the table.
American tourist approaches and asks "Gee, what are these?"
"These are special learning tablets" replies the trader "made from a ancient remedy and dried in the wholesome rays of the sun."
" Gee, how much are they?" asks the American
" 35 Naira each" replies the trader
" I'll try one" says the American, handing over a bundle of Naira and popping a "tablet" in his mouth.
" Ugh" he exclaims, spitting it out again "That tasted like goat shit!"
" See" says the trader " You're learning already!"

;D ;D :Dlol.... its very funny and creative too.it shows da impractical perception of americans.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on August 27, 2007, 03:50:23 AM

                        Groggy patient on operating table is coming round, turns to nurse and says:
                        'Nurse, the doctor used a four letter word when operating on me and I am worried'.
                         Nurse surprised looks at patient and says:
                         'Oh! Really! What word did he say?'
                          Patient replied: 'He said "Oops!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on August 29, 2007, 12:30:53 PM

very funny husnaa...gaskiya u got me craqcking. Anyway check this on:

Poetry Contest

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.  

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on September 02, 2007, 02:13:51 AM

Timbuktu lol. I hope odas get the joke

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on September 02, 2007, 08:04:51 PM

Of course they will...its so simple, check this one out, its crazy..lol!

Knowing American History

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, "Duck"!

The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked "Who said that?

Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"


 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on September 03, 2007, 06:16:51 AM

Pedro sounds like irin rediyan nan mai tonon asiri, da button din ta ya balle and u try to switch it off and u cant unless u smash it... ;D

A politician came home late one night and gave his wife the good news:
"Darling I have been elected!"
 "Honestly?" she asked wonderingly, smiling.
"Hey", the politician said, frowning, "why bring that up?"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on September 03, 2007, 12:08:56 PM

Husnaa, Muda: Wallahi you made me laughed a lot with dem jokes. I like. ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on September 03, 2007, 06:14:48 PM

OK another one  ;D
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London with the taxi driver as the tour guide. They pass the famous White Tower at the Tower of London. The cabbie tells him what it is and construction date: begun in 1078, finished in 1087.

"Shoot!" cries the Texan disgusted. "A little Tower like that? In Houston, we'd have that up in a year."

Next they pass the House of Parliament. Cabbie points it out to the Texan and tells him date of construction: started in 1834, finished in 1852.
"We put a bigger building than that up in Dallas, and it only took a month!" says show off Texan.

Next they pass Westminster Abbey, and the fuming cabbie doesnt say anything.

"Whoa!" Cries the Texan, looking at Westminster Abbey. "Whats that?"

"Dont know" replies the cab driver. "It wasnt there yesterday."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: MySeLf on September 03, 2007, 10:58:28 PM

;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: mlbash on September 05, 2007, 08:34:32 PM

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture then replied, "Well now. That’s different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on September 05, 2007, 08:56:23 PM

Kai Dan Allah kuyi mana a hankali da wadannan jokes din ;D Lol!! cikina har ciwo yakeyi ;D

Here is another blonde Joke, enjoy!!!

God Bless Blondes at Football Games
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football (American not Soccer)game. They had great
seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked
the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on September 06, 2007, 06:28:19 PM

An angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on
his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there
is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in
here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

Dave McEwan Hill

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on September 07, 2007, 04:13:38 AM

Quote from: mufi on September 05, 2007, 08:56:23 PM

Kai Dan Allah kuyi mana a hankali da wadannan jokes din ;D Lol!! cikina har ciwo yakeyi ;D

Here is another blonde Joke, enjoy!!!

God Bless Blondes at Football Games
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football (American not Soccer)game. They had great
seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked
the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back!

I wasnt intending to login but this joke cracked me up Mufi!! Let me ask you something, akwai wata miss carolina da akai mata wata tambaya akan meyasa yara 'yan makaranta basu san inda america take ba a kan taswirar duniya. She is blonde. Ansar da ta bayar harni da nake thousands of miles away I cringed in embarassment. I wonder if u've heard anything about it?.....

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on September 07, 2007, 06:04:31 PM

Mlbash's Cyanide joke and Husnaa's Texan Tourist jokes are ill seriouslyi coudnt help laffin my head out. But i can do with a Blond joke too.

A Night In Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."  

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on September 07, 2007, 07:04:33 PM

Husnaa, i believe u r talking about the Miss Teen USA pageant, Miss South Carolina, she was responding to a question concerning U.S children and the World Map

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww

I couldn't make a tail out of what she was saying. But here is her response the next day after the show aired.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YR8F0hkqokg

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on September 08, 2007, 05:40:08 AM

She is so so so so so stupid. Even on the show the next day, she does not realize just how patronizing those two talk show hosts sound towards her. And finally, her answer to the question? she was fed it before the show aired. It sounded so rehearsed.

If you want to really laugh, here is what I dug up as an aftermath to the miss carolina dud, about americans and how much they know of the world...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kp6_oFSh_ss&mode=related&search=

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on September 10, 2007, 08:53:47 PM

Haj. Husnaa, wannan kadan muka gani, koda yake ba dukansu bane r like that, they do have intelligent minds out there. Like u said mun gode Allah da ya bamu ilimin da muke dashi.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on September 12, 2007, 07:55:43 PM

Two worms sit on a couch at a party. The male worm smiles and chats up the female worm. Nearby, two other male worms are standing. One casts a glance at the couple and says to his worm buddy:
"You gotta check this out Stuart. Vinnie's over on the couch putting the moves on Zelda Schwatz, but he's talking to the wrong end!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on September 13, 2007, 06:19:21 AM

I didnt get the joke can any1 explain it 2 me pls. thanx

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on September 13, 2007, 11:51:17 AM

Quote from: IBB on September 13, 2007, 06:19:21 AM

I didnt get the joke can any1 explain it 2 me pls. thanx

Lol IBB!
Wait for Muda. I am sure he will get it. I'd like to read his reaction to that one. Ramadhan Kareem BTW.
Ok let me give u a clue.. They are all worms..get it?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on September 14, 2007, 12:03:40 AM

Individual earthworms are both male and female -presumably at either end.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on September 14, 2007, 01:13:34 PM

yes that's true.. lol I'd forgotten that!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on September 16, 2007, 11:12:38 PM

Hmmn I think i get it now Husnaa

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on September 17, 2007, 08:28:16 PM

Quote from: HUSNAA on September 03, 2007, 06:14:48 PM

OK another one  ;D
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London with the taxi driver as the tour guide. They pass the famous White Tower at the Tower of London. The cabbie tells him what it is and construction date: begun in 1078, finished in 1087.

"Shoot!" cries the Texan disgusted. "A little Tower like that? In Houston, we'd have that up in a year."

Next they pass the House of Parliament. Cabbie points it out to the Texan and tells him date of construction: started in 1834, finished in 1852.
"We put a bigger building than that up in Dallas, and it only took a month!" says show off Texan.

Next they pass Westminster Abbey, and the fuming cabbie doesnt say anything.

"Whoa!" Cries the Texan, looking at Westminster Abbey. "Whats that?"

"Dont know" replies the cab driver. "It wasnt there yesterday."

LOL....very funny.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on September 20, 2007, 12:02:22 PM

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to
marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond  compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous
daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his
mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, " They're lookin' to get married, so you
came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for
the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can
 hardly notice ... pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;
So the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well, "the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can
hardly tell……. cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if
 things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the
Man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his Redneck father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck , "she was just a weeeee bit, not that
 you could hardly tell ...pregnant when you met her."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on September 20, 2007, 12:46:39 PM

Lol....hahaha...lol Dave my man....keeep them coming pls....lol! What a wicked histerical reply!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave McEwan Hill on September 21, 2007, 08:49:03 PM

: Fw: Fwd:Best Ever Genie Story


 




 

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.  Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

 

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!  Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

 

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."

 

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

 

"Uh...yeah, sir.  We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

 

"Oh, no apology is necessary...  !  Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.  Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.  I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

 

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said.  He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

 

"No problem,"  said the genie.  "You've got it, it's the least I can do.  And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

 

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?"  the genie asked.

 

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

 

"Consider it done," the genie said.  "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disaster!  s!"

 

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, g enie?"

 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

 

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.  What do you think?"

 

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.  Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

 

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.  I'd do the same for you!"

 

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.  The genie was insatiable.

 

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

 

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

 

"No Kidding," he said.  "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?????"
 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on September 22, 2007, 02:35:46 PM

lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on September 25, 2007, 02:00:46 PM

This is trullly the best Genie joke ever, wow!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on September 28, 2007, 03:15:47 PM

Don't know if this has been posted before. Anyway,


Not long ago,three friends came to the New York city. They decided to stay in a hotel during the visit. It so happened that their room ended up being on the 60th floor. The policy of the hotel was that
everynight after 12:00 a.m. the elevators are shut down for security reasons.The next day, the three friends rented a car and went out to explore the city. They enjoyed movies, concerts, and other things throughout the whole day. At one point, they remembered that they have to get back to the hotel before 12
a.m.When they arrived, it was beyond 12 a.m. at night. The elevators were shut down. There was no other way to get back to their room but to take the stairs all the way to the 60th floor. All of a sudden, one friend got an idea.He said 'For the first 20 floors, I will tell jokes to keep us going. Then another one of us could say wisdom stories for the next 20 floors. Finally, we will cover the other 20 floors with sad stories.

So, one of the friends started with the jokes. With laughs and joy,they reached the 20th floor.

Now, another friend started telling stories that are full of wisdom. So, they learned a lot while reaching the 40th floor.

Now, it was time for the sad stories. So, the third friend started thus,'My first sad story is that I left the key for the room in the car :o...'

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on September 28, 2007, 05:30:40 PM

Lallai sad kuwa....lolwai icant imagine myself on their shoes!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on September 28, 2007, 10:05:11 PM

Damn boy to come n petch the key means covering 100 floors kenan fa

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on September 29, 2007, 12:44:44 AM

 ;D  ;D  ;D Bakan Gizo, lallai wannan shine sad story
mai kyau, dan iska, ai sai ya koma ya dauko makullin.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on October 16, 2007, 09:04:15 PM

   Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...
1) That's not right ........................ ....Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.......... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.................................. .Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse................................. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ...............Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ......... ..Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift .............. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .................... ..Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ........ ..Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone ............... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .......................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile .........Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ........... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .......................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

 ;D ;D ;D ::)
 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on October 16, 2007, 09:32:04 PM

A British pilot during W.W.II was shot down over Germany. In the hospital, he was told that his left leg had to be amputated. He asked for it to be parachuted down over England. This was done. A week later, his right leg had to go, and he asked for the same thing to be done. A week later his left arm had the same fate. A short time later, when his right arm was about to be taken off, he asked for the arm to be dropped over England like the other limbs. He met with a refusal by the German doctor. The answer he received was: "No; we think that you are trying to escape".  ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: MySeLf on October 16, 2007, 11:36:30 PM

lol Waduz!

That learn Chinese is easy as A B C.......lol ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on October 17, 2007, 01:52:03 PM

lol. But I cant figure out the "I bumped into coffee table"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on October 17, 2007, 02:39:04 PM

Quote from: waduz on October 16, 2007, 09:32:04 PM

A British pilot during W.W.II was shot down over Germany. In the hospital, he was told that his left leg had to be amputated. He asked for it to be parachuted down over England. This was done. A week later, his right leg had to go, and he asked for the same thing to be done. A week later his left arm had the same fate. A short time later, when his right arm was about to be taken off, he asked for the arm to be dropped over England like the other limbs. He met with a refusal by the German doctor. The answer he received was: "No; we think that you are trying to escape".  ;D

Haha ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 18, 2007, 06:42:31 PM

Quote from: IBB on October 17, 2007, 01:52:03 PM

lol. But I cant figure out the "I bumped into coffee table"

Come on IBB. He banged his knee on the coffee table, plus swear word!! coffee tables are supposed to be low... u know that.
Lol Waduz those were classics and tell u what, some of those could easily stand as names of Hong Kong ppl especially the Lei Ying Lo and Wa shing Ka.
Ka is a surname, Wong is also a surname, as Lei Yong. Almost all those syllables on their own stand as someone's name hahahaha....

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 18, 2007, 06:51:42 PM

Joe bought his mother in law a large plot in an expensive cemetery as a  birthday gift. The next year, he bought her nothing.
‘Don’t I deserve a present”? She moaned.
“You haven’t used the one I bought you last year”, He said.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer took a short cut throught his orchard to get to a nearby pond, carrying a bucket to bring back some fruit.
when he got to the pond, he was surprised to find two girls skinny dipping. They saw him and immediately dropped below the surface of the water.
“We are not going to come out until you leave!” shouted one of the girls.
“I didn’t come here to watch you swim naked,” shouted the farmer holding up the bucket, “I’m came here to feed the 'gators!”.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on October 18, 2007, 08:38:54 PM

lol. Wannan sirikar lallai ta hana ruwa gudu. the second one is really funny (-came to feed the aligators) n smart.

Husnaa thanks I get it now 'I bang my f***ing knee'. Lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on October 18, 2007, 10:19:25 PM

Lol!!! lallai kam IBB wannan sirikar ta hana ruwa gudu, i wonder what the wife would think of such a gift to her mother. ;D ;D

Okay!! here is another one.
Enjoy ;) ;)

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?
And the man replied, "I don t know, my wife told me to stand here"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on October 19, 2007, 05:15:26 AM

lol this guy is the worst.

Here is another one.

This joke is about a debate between Muslim students and Christian students

When the debate was about to start the Christians asked the Muslims to start, the Muslim politely decline saying Christianity came before Islam so the Christians should start.

So the Christian speaker stood up and ask the Muslims your prophet Muhammed (SAW) where is he? The Muslim speaker answered He is in Heaven with the All Mighty. Christian speaker asked, so He is with God and the Muslim answered yes. Three times he asked and get the same answer. Then he said to the Muslim, If Muhammed (SAW) was with God why didnt He ask God to save His grandson from being killed? Since He is in heaven with God.

The Muslim speaker answered: Yeah He asked God to save his grandson. But God cried. When the speaker said that everyone kept quiet for some seconds. The christian asked God cried? The Muslim said yeah God cried and said to Muhammed (SAW) sorry I couldnt even saved my son from the Jews

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on October 19, 2007, 05:43:04 AM

This Joke is about a Jehovah witness preacher

There was this Jehovah witness preacher who always goes to one man's office to preach to him. But every time he comes the officer keeps giving him excuses. So one day he (officer) said to himself i'm going to deal with this preacher. The officer told his secretry that -that preacher is coming today, when he comes let him in and when we are in the middle of the conversation come and whisper something in my ear.

Time on the dot the preacher came and the secretry let him in. The preacher went in and started preaching to the officer. 'God Jesus died for our sin, so accept Jesus and you wil.....' the secretry knocked, entered and whispered in her boss ear and left. Then the boss just kept quiet and held his head and started crying. The preacher ask him what is wrong why is he crying? The officer said I just received a very bad news. The Preacher ask him to calm down and tell him what is wrong in Jesus name it will be okay. So the officer calmed down and told him "I'm just told that Angel Gabreil is dead". So the preacher busted and laughed, and said is that why you are crying? Calm down Angels dont die and cannot die.

Hearing that the officer gave the preacher a very bad look. And asked Angels dont die? And all along you been telling me God died -get out of my office   

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on October 19, 2007, 09:23:04 AM

A man noticed that toothpicks were fastly exhausted from his dining table. One day when it persists, he decided to ask his steward why, and the following ensued:

Master: Hey, why are my toothpicks finished in no time.

Steward: Oga, sorry-o, na madam.

Master: How?

Steward: Oga, me, any time i use am, i dey replace back, but
             madam, she dey turoway! ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on October 19, 2007, 09:43:28 AM

 ;D ;D ;D ;D yesssso ooooooo
principle of recycling.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on October 19, 2007, 03:15:56 PM

Yes, jan borgo ;D, oh danborno! I will give the steward kudos for applying the rule of "tsimi da tanadi" ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: kitkat on October 21, 2007, 03:16:23 PM

This was written by a guy...

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b**ch knows I can give as much as I take.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: sadiq on October 21, 2007, 03:20:36 PM

Quote from: waduz on October 19, 2007, 03:15:56 PM

Yes, jan borgo ;D, oh danborno! I will give the steward kudos for applying the rule of "tsimi da tanadi" ;D

Yes oh! This guy went to a bar and the bar attendant noticed him to be a regular. He offered to give him $1000 if he can take a bucket full of beer. He said 'fine,but just give me a few minutes,i'l be back'. The guy went out and was back in a few minutes. He said he was ready, and in no time drank the whole bucket full. The attendant was amazed. 'I've never seen such in my whole life' he said. 'But tell me please before i hand over your reward, what did you go out for?'. 'Nothing', the man replied. 'Just went out to practice with TWO buckets of water'.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: kitkat on October 21, 2007, 03:26:47 PM

A colledge class was told they had to write a story in as few words as possible.The instructions were the short story had to contain the following three things:

1) Religion
2)Sexuality
3)Mystery

The following answer was  addjudged A+

"Good God, Im pregnant;I wonder who did it."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on October 21, 2007, 04:02:04 PM

Quote from: sadiq on October 21, 2007, 03:20:36 PM

'Nothing', the man replied. 'Just went out to practice with TWO buckets of water'.

Ina ruwan Tiga Dam   ;D   ;D    ;D welldone Sadiq

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 22, 2007, 03:45:34 PM

                       http://youtube.com/watch?v=CNoAo72_Mug
This is such a funny piece.  I dont know why I thought of   :-X  when I saw the clip!!!!!!!!! hehehehehehehe!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: MySeLf on October 22, 2007, 05:35:36 PM

                           NAIJA POLICE  ;D

A man was driving alone at 1.00am midnight, come to a checkpoint.
A police man stopped him and asked for particulars which he has intact,
So the police has no reasons to keep him, but still want him charged,
guess what the police man said, I charge you for driving alone at
this time of the night, if you come get accident now who go go tell your people ?"
The man replied:
I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, Angel Gabriel, Angel Raphael,
Angel Micheal, five angels are here with me.
The police man said: "all these people inside this your small car ?
I charge you for overloading.
               ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: sadiq on October 23, 2007, 03:22:20 PM

Quote from: kitkat on October 21, 2007, 03:26:47 PM

A colledge class was told they had to write a story in as few words as possible.The instructions were the short story had to contain the following three things:

1) Religion
2)Sexuality
3)Mystery

The following answer was  addjudged A+

"Good God, Im pregnant;I wonder who did it."

 ;D  ;D  ;D Somebody stop me!!

This business tycoon threw a party at his mansion and invited all the hot shots. While the groove was at its peak, he invited all to his backyard and down to his swimming pool. He had put in the most dangerous reptiles you can imagine. 'Ladies and gentlemen' he shouted. 'Any one that dares to get into this pool and swims safely to the other side will,be rewarded with either half of my weath, my big mansion or my precious daughters hand'. No sooner than he shut his mouth, a guy from nowhere dove in and safely swam to the other end. Everyone warmly applauded him for his courage. The tycoon went over to him and asked him what he wanted. 'Half of my wealth?'. Panting 'no'. 'My mansion?' 'No' said the man again. Frowning 'you want my daughter?'  'No'. Sighing with relief, the tycoon asked 'you must want something? just say it'. Still panting, the man looked at him and said 'I JUST WANT TO KNOW THE NAME OF THE GUY WHO PUSHED ME IN!!!   

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on October 24, 2007, 02:17:47 PM

A tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. “dis de original skull of great Queen Cleopatra, by friend,” said the trader, “only one hundred pounds.”
“No thank you,” said the tourist. “It’s far too expensive.”
“How ‘bout dis one, my friend?” said the street trader, producing a small skull.
“Whose skull is that?”
“dis de original skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was a little girl!” ;D ;D


 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on October 26, 2007, 11:09:14 AM

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night
and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies,
he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says,
"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied,
"It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour,
it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

 
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says,
"You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."


The Chinese replies,
"Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 27, 2007, 07:50:27 AM

Great one DB! ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: kitkat on October 27, 2007, 10:27:10 PM

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

  She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen  table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought,  just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.  "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
    "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you  were only 16?" he asked.
    "Yes, I do," she replied.
     "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?"
     "Yes, I remember."
     "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"
     "Yes, I do," she said.
     
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 28, 2007, 04:26:55 AM

hahahaha! oh Kitkat! that was one of the funniest jokes I have read on Konline! 
The guy must have been thinking
"why oh why didnt I opt out for that jail instead?"
He must have had 20 miserable yrs!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: kitkat on October 29, 2007, 12:42:59 AM

THESE DUMB AMERICANS AGAIN!!!!

this is a news transcript from Sky news, no joke. Can you imagine this guy pairin up with Miss teen carolina and having a baby?? This is how the George W Bushes of the world emerge....




"Miami Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder has admitted not knowing people speak English in London.
 
Miami Dolphin Channing CrowderThe NFL player might want to check a map to see where he's playing Sunday's prestige game against the New York Giants at Wembley Stadium.

Crowder, who comes from Atlanta in Georgia, may be praised on the field, but confessed geography was not his strong point.

He admitted he did not know until now where London was - or that Londoners spoke English.

"I couldn't find London on a map if they didn't have the names of the countries," he said.

Advertisement

"I swear to God. I don't know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that."

Crowder added: "I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him.

"That's the closest thing I know to London. He's black, so I'm sure he's not from London. I'm sure that's a coincidental name."

The Miami Dolphins play the New York Giants at Wembley this Sunday in the first NFL regular-season game to be played outside the United States.
''

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 29, 2007, 02:14:26 AM

Classic case of all brawns and no brain

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on October 29, 2007, 12:09:35 PM

Wani kare-kare ne yaje Makkah, a Harami ya ji kiran sallah na fita ta ko ina amma baiga ladani mai kiran sallan ba. Abin ya bashi mamaki har ya tambayi wani dake zaune a kusa dashi, ya ce, "wannan kam maigidanne da kanta take iran sallan, ko?" ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: sadiq on October 29, 2007, 02:35:10 PM

Kowa ya je makkah ya dawo sai a rinka shai mashi 'Alhaji'. ni idan na je na dawo sai dai ku rinka kira na 'Annamijo'.  
                                              -Fulani Man

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on October 29, 2007, 07:54:48 PM

Wani ibo man ne dan achaba ya kwala shi akan kwalta da dare. Sai ya bude ido ya ga mutane sun kewayeshi. Sai ya ce, "maram,(malam) do Arraah do Anabi akaini inuwa." Akace masa ai dare ne yanzu, ko ina ma inuwa ne! This shows the magnitude of his condition at that moment! ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on November 05, 2007, 09:19:46 AM

 ;D   ;D   ;D  I cant stop laughing from Kit-Kats post,
Kai amma wannan ragon namiji ne wallahi  ;D   ;D  ;D

Kai kuma Waduz, wallahi I have a bunch of Karekare
in my house, I will report you immediately.

 ;D  Lallai dan inyamurinnan yaji jiki, an taba sa mutum
a inuwa ne kuma da dadaddare  ;D   ;D    ;D   

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on November 05, 2007, 10:51:48 AM

A computer geek is crossing the road when he sees a frog who starts talking.

“If u kiss me”, the frog says, “I will turn into a beautiful princess and do what ever u want.”

The guy smiles and pockets the frog. “

Did u hear me?” asks the frog. “A beautiful princess? For a week?”

“Look,” says the nerd, “I haven’t got time for a girl friend. But a talking frog – that’s cool!”

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on November 05, 2007, 02:38:27 PM

LOL.

A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that the there is a spare seat in between himself and the next guy.
"Who would ever miss the World Cup final?" Asks the man.
"That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away." Explains the guy.
"That's terrible, but couldn't you get another member of the family, friend or someone else to come with you?" Asks the man.
"No.....They are all at the funeral!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on November 05, 2007, 07:21:02 PM

lol Tashin hankali. And he rather come to the game than go for the funeral. nwah

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on November 07, 2007, 07:04:32 PM

Old John is on his death bed..
His wife and family are there at the bedside.
He looks at his four tall red-headed sons and Willie, his last born who is small and dark haired.
He motions for his wife to come over and asks her in a whisper
"Mary, I'm close to death. Can you tell me truthfully that Willie is actually my son ?"
" What a terrible question to ask a wife" replies Mary in his ear  " Of course he's your son."
Old John sinks back and dies with a smile on his face.
" Phew" says Mary. " Thank God he didn't ask about the other four!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on November 07, 2007, 07:09:09 PM

Oh God I am cracking up!!! ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on November 08, 2007, 11:57:17 PM

God created the donkey

and said to him.
"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset
carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass,
you will have no intelligence and you will live  50 years."

The donkey answered:
"I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years"
God granted his wish.
..........................................................................................
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


God created the dog
and said to him:

"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.
You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.
You will be a dog. "

The dog answered:
"Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only 15 years.
" God granted his wish.
..........................................................................................
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


God created the monkey
and said to him:

"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live
20 years. "


The monkey answered:
"To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years."
God granted his wish.
..........................................................................................
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Finally God created man ...
and said to him:

"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.
You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals..
You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."

Man responded:
"Sir, I will be a man but to live only
20 years is very little,
give me the 30 years that the donkey refused,
the 15 years that the dog did not want and
the 10 years the monkey refused.
" God granted man's wish
.........................................................................................

And since then, man lives

20 years as a man ,
marries and spends

30 years like a donkey,
working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown,
he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house
and eating whatever is given to him,

so that when he is old,
he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or
daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

That's Life.
Is'nt it ??????????

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on November 09, 2007, 08:34:48 PM

Mandela was enjoying a hearty breakfast - bacon, eggs, coffee,
croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc. when Bush (chewing gum) sits next
to him and starts a conversation:

Bush: "You South Africans eat the whole bread?"

Mandela: "Of course."

Bush: (blowing bubbles with his gum ) "We don"t. In the    States,  we
only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle,
rebake them into croissants and sell them to South Africa ."

Mandela: "Oh Really?"

Bush: "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"

Mandela: "Of course ."

Bush: (chuckling and crackling his gum) "We don't, in the States we eat
fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into
containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to South Africa ."

Mandela: "Do you have sex in America ?"

Bush: "Of course we do."

Mandela: "And what do you do with the condoms?"

Bush: "Throw them away of course."

Mandela: "We don't. We pack them into containers, recycle them, melt
them down into chewing gum and sell them to America ."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Bee on November 09, 2007, 09:59:28 PM

Oh dear!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on November 13, 2007, 06:31:57 PM

good for Bush  ;D.

take this one:

One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night
And Didn't Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.
In the morning they thought of a plan.

They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt.
They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night
and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car!
all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test,
All four were required to sit in seperate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name........ ......... ........( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst ?........... ....( 98 MARKS )

a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right .....!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Bayya on November 13, 2007, 06:44:13 PM

Hahaha. Da kyau.
Mu ga karshen karya 
ke nan.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on November 13, 2007, 07:30:20 PM

lol to DB


A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:

"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.

By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:

"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND,

YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Coz . . . he replied laughing,"I just love hearing it. . . ."


==========


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


==========


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED


Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,

poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on November 14, 2007, 07:10:52 PM

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just

opened in New York City , where a woman

may go to choose a husband.  Among the

instructions at the entrance is a description

of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the

product increases as the shopper ascends

the flights. The shopper may choose any

item from a particular floor, or may choose

to go up to the next floor, but you cannot

go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store

to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.


The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,

and are Extremely Good Looking.



"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to

keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign

reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,

are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,

are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with

Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic

Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on

to the sixth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 6   -   You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor. This

floor exists solely as proof that women are

impossible to please. Thank you for shopping

at the Husband Store.

 

 



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's

owner also opened a New Wives store just

across the street.




The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

 



The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
---------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on November 14, 2007, 10:02:17 PM

lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on November 15, 2007, 05:20:21 PM

Quote from: Dave_McEwan_Hill on November 14, 2007, 07:10:52 PM

The Husband Store

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's

owner also opened a New Wives store just

across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. 



The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
---------------------------------------------------------------

LOL.....very funny...i can't stop laughing.
Nice one!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: MySeLf on November 15, 2007, 10:50:31 PM

Quote from: Dave_McEwan_Hill on November 14, 2007, 07:10:52 PM

The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman
may go to choose a husband.  Among theinstructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increases as the shopper ascends
the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose
to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store
to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign
reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6   -   You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Lol Megemu!
But guys read carefully, this shop owner is still bias..... He never mentioned the men
are filthy rich plus good looking and all that.
Has he said that in the first floor none of the women will get to the second floor.....  ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on November 16, 2007, 07:30:52 PM

Look away now. A rude joke coming up (those of clean mind probably won't understand it anyway!)

A unoversity lecturer is addressing her class.
" Now guys and gals" she tells them " You will all have to be here tomorrow for your final assessment at 2pm. No excuse accepted. None at all. You won't get your degrees if you don't show up."
A smartass at the back of the class shouts out " Miss, what if I can't come due to severe sexual exhaustion?"
" I'll just get you to write with your other hand" the lecturer replies.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on November 16, 2007, 09:00:51 PM

Quote from: IBB on November 09, 2007, 08:34:48 PM

Mandela: "We don't. We pack them into containers, recycle them, melt
them down into chewing gum and sell them to America ."

Oh Men...lol...that hurts a lot...lol, oh my!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on November 18, 2007, 08:02:30 PM

Two guys talking to each other.
One says " If you were to hear that the world would end in 30 minutes what would you do?"
The other replies " I'd make mad,passionate lover to anything that moved. What would you do?"
The first replies " I'd stand perfectly still!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on November 18, 2007, 08:05:44 PM

hahahahahahaha!! That was quite funny Dave!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on November 27, 2007, 12:55:16 AM

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, Johnny Byrne?"

"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Brown?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Margaret Doyle?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Anne O' Neil?"

"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped Johnny, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months' holiday and five good leads."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on November 27, 2007, 03:02:05 AM

good thing there are no irish girls amongst us dave, otherwise they'd be after u with a stick for tarnishing their reputation!!  ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Muhsin on November 29, 2007, 12:52:12 PM

Oneday, a mother and her daughter were sitting, waiting for her husband's return from work but he didn't come back at exactly his usual time of coming back home. Thus, while cooking at kitching, the mother ordered the daughter to take het cell-phone and call the father to ask why the delay.

The girl went hurriedly and take the phone and called her father. Instead of him to answer the call she heard a woman's sweet voice talking. She revealed that to her mother who instantly nurtured a very weird feeling. She didn't ask the girl what the woman told her rather she curse whoever was the woman and vowed to deal with her husban when he returns.

As soon as he stepped his feet into the house, his wife start firing words at him; "Who were you together with? I gave you called but your phone was not even with you. Shame! And am now going home or you must tell me who was that used-up woman!"

He didn't at first react unless she finished. He laughed instead.

"You must laugh. What an expected action. That's how you men are...all of you. You kept us at home while you go outside, doing what you feel like doing and..."

He laughed again. Then she sensed something. So she called their daughter.

"Why are you laughing? Am I a laughing stock?"

He was laughing because the scene made him. He knew that he even left his cell-phone at home due to lack of charge but she came acting childishly. And he instinctively fathomed where she was heading. He asked her;

"What did that woman tell you in the dream?"

She spat and pulled their daughter; "But you know your daughter won't lie to you, eh?"

He nodded.

"So..." she started, togue-tided, eager to asked the girl, "What did you hear her saying?"

"The woman said 'the number you have called is not available at the moment, try again later."

                                                           THE END

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on November 29, 2007, 02:05:30 PM

A small boy knocking on a door:


Knock! knock!! knock!!!

Who is that?

Dishes..

Dishes who?

Dishes me.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Zagaina on November 30, 2007, 08:05:28 PM

  A student wrote to his dad from school : Dad things are very tight over here, send money or i will commit suicide. The dad reply him:Condition critical at home suicide approved.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on December 01, 2007, 03:07:44 AM

Lame (All the 3)

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 02, 2007, 03:39:39 PM

Lol...here is one funny one!

Gates (CEO of Microsoft), Andy Grove(CEO of Intel) and Jerry Sanders (CEO of AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting.

Bill says, "Oh, that's my emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him.

Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can a take a call anywhere."

The others nod, and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper. Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air.

When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth. Isn't that neat?"

The others nod, and the meeting continues.

Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax."  

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 02, 2007, 05:41:18 PM

Quote from: IBB on December 01, 2007, 03:07:44 AM

Lame (All the 3)

Wallahi kuwa. I didnt want to be the first to comment.
Lol muda that was hilarious! guess what?  give him some toilet paper to receive the next fart er.. fax on lol hahahaha!!  ;D

Ok here is one that got me cracking up:

A drunken man stumbled across an evangelical mass baptism service next to a river. He waded into the water and stood next to the preacher.
"My son are you ready to find Jesus?"  the preacher asked.
"Yeah sure," said the drunk. The minister dunked him under the water for a split second and pulled him back up.
"Have you found Jesus?"
"No I haven't" said the drunk. The minister dunked him in the water for just a bit longer.
"Have you found Jesus?" He asked him again.
"No I haven't Reverend."
The preacher held the man under for more than 30 seconds. "By all the saints" said the preacher, "have you found Jesus this time?"
The drunk spluttered, wiped his eyes and said in exasperation
"Look, are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ajingi on December 07, 2007, 05:49:14 PM

OBJ's Statue:

Those guys who made Saddam statues approached OBJ with an offer to make a giant OBJ statue at Abuja gate for $30m. "30million Dollars?!?" OBJ exclaimed, "If you give me $10m, I'll go stand there myself!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Lawwali on December 07, 2007, 08:31:08 PM

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on December 09, 2007, 09:55:10 PM

A wee girl is wartching her pregnant mother having a shower.
" Why is your tummy so big,mummy?" she asks
" Because your little brother is in there" mother explains
A short silence and then the wee girls asks
" What have you got in your bottom then?"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on December 10, 2007, 02:44:56 PM

 
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still
alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him
know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and faxed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No
one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret
Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside
down." ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ajingi on December 10, 2007, 03:31:02 PM

Because am an expensive guy with an expensive babe, i decided to buy my expensive babe an expensive phone, loaded with expensive credit. One day i decided to go in my expensive suit to visit my expensive babe in her expensive flat to take her to an expensive restaurant.

On getting there, she was having her bath in the bathroom. suddenly her expensive phone rang, the caller I.D showed MUGU ONE, as an expensive guy, i laughed that this poor guys wont stop disturbing my babe. but as a guy, i reasoned "what might this girl save my name with, 'maybe Honey as she fondly calls me" i decided to dial her number. Guess what i saw MUGU 17. can u believe????Girls are really terrible...

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on December 11, 2007, 08:23:50 AM

Quote from: Dave_McEwan_Hill on December 09, 2007, 09:55:10 PM

" What have you got in your bottom then?"

lol, why is it so big too?

Quote from: waduz on December 10, 2007, 02:44:56 PM

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H he is looking at the message upside
down." ;D

Hello-Ass****

Quote from: ajingi on December 10, 2007, 03:31:02 PM

MUGU ONE

LOL. That reminds me of the girls in my Uni they saved guys numbers as Driver-1 n so forth. Thank God i'm not one of them

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 11, 2007, 11:30:53 AM

Quote from: waduz on December 10, 2007, 02:44:56 PM

 
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still
alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him
know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and faxed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No
one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret
Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside
down." ;D

370HSSV-0773H  = Hello Asshole!! lol that was clever!! hahahahaha

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on December 11, 2007, 11:54:48 AM

Quote from: waduz on December 10, 2007, 02:44:56 PM

370HSSV-0773H

 ;D  ;D my office mates were laughing at me, when
they saw me turning my screen upside down to read
what waduz just posted.  Na sha dariya wallahi.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on December 11, 2007, 12:54:30 PM

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field." ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on December 12, 2007, 10:12:56 AM

Hillary Clinton dies and goes to Heaven. She meets St. Peter at the Gates, and notices thousands of clocks. "What are all these clocks for?" she asks St. Peter. "Each person has one," he replied. "They start at midnight, and every time someone tells a lie, it moves ahead one minute. This one is Mother Teresa's. She never lied, so it never moved. This one is George Washington's. He told only two, so it is at two minutes past midnight."
Hillary looks around and asks, "So, where is Bill's clock?" "Oh ,"St. Peter chuckled, "Jesus has that one in his office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 12, 2007, 11:54:47 AM

Quote from: waduz on December 12, 2007, 10:12:56 AM

"So, where is Bill's clock?" "Oh ,"St. Peter chuckled, "Jesus has that one in his office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." ;D

Kai jama'a !!!  >:( .......hahahaha!! ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on December 13, 2007, 06:16:01 PM

A wee festive poem for forumites presently shivering in Europe or North America.

[i]I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me
I made it some pyjamas
And a pillow for its head
Then last night it ran away
But first.......it wet the bed[/i]

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: sadiq on December 13, 2007, 08:51:55 PM

Quote from: Dave_McEwan_Hill on December 13, 2007, 06:16:01 PM

A wee festive poem for forumites presently shivering in Europe or North America.

[i]I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me
I made it some pyjamas
And a pillow for its head
Then last night it ran away
But first.......it wet the bed[/i]

Nice one Mr Dev. Thumbs-up man

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on December 13, 2007, 11:44:55 PM

Quote from: waduz on December 11, 2007, 12:54:30 PM

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field." ;D

LOL

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on December 14, 2007, 10:38:10 AM

Barebari ku toshe kunnuwanku. Wai wani babarbare ne kaninsa yayi hatsari da mashin har ya rasu. To, in mutane sunzo masa ta'aziyya sai ya ce, " Wallai, fulan kwano ta yi aiki, Madu ta mutu, amma kanta kam bai fashe ba." ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 14, 2007, 01:15:27 PM

Oh God that was really funny Waduz.. Hala bafillatani ne kai shi ya sa ka juya joke din on Barebari... sai DB ya jiyo ka takwana....
hular kwano tayi aiki .. Oh God I am going to have a tummy ache laughing ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on December 14, 2007, 02:06:58 PM

Here goes mine:

Wani Babarbare da bafillatani suka kama biri
suka ci.  Da zasu shigo gari sai suka yi shawara
akan cewa nobody should know that they ate
monkey as it is almost a taboo in hausa land.

Daga shigansu gari sai bafillataninka yace suje
bakin rijiyancan su sha ruwa, daga zuwan su
sai fullo yace "salamu alaikum aba mu ruwa mu sha
munci abu mai maiko maiko"

Sai babarbare ya harari ba fillatani on the pretext
that the fullo should'nt blow their cover.

Sai bafillatani yace very loudly to the hearing of
all those at the well - "Nace mun shi biri ne?
ba nace mun shi abu mai maiko maiko ba".

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 14, 2007, 09:02:41 PM

Quote from: Dave_McEwan_Hill on December 13, 2007, 06:16:01 PM

A wee festive poem for forumites presently shivering in Europe or North America.

[i]I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me
I made it some pyjamas
And a pillow for its head
Then last night it ran away
But first.......it wet the bed[/i]

Oh ho! Ewan...very well! lol!

You guys check this naija joke...

A Yoruba Man was sitting with an Ibo man and a Hausa man in  Saudi
Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden  the
police entered and arrested them. They were initially given a  death
sentence but, as it was a national holiday, the sheikh decided  they
should be released after each receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As
theywere preparing for their punishment, the sheikh said, "It's my  first
wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one  wish
before your whipping, but you cannot wish not to be  whipped!"

The Hausa man thought for a second then said: "Please  tie a pillow to
my back before whipping." This was done but the pillow lasted  10
lashes.

The Ibo man saw this and said: "Please tie two  pillows to my back
before whipping." This was done and lasted for the whole  20 lashes.

The Yoruba Man saw this, but before he could make his  wish, the
sheikh said: "As you share the same ethnicity with the president  of
your country, you are permitted to have two wishes!"

The  Yoruba Man thought for a second, then said: "Thank you, most
royal and  merciful highness. My first wish is to receive 100 lashes
with the strongest,  toughest whip available." "If you so desire," the
sheikh replied with a  questioning look on his face, "and your second
wish?" "Tie the Ibo man to my  back."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on December 15, 2007, 10:27:10 PM

lol!!!!! Kai amma dai baa kyautawa inyamus dinnan ba. Shin ya ya gama da bulali dari muda? ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: EMTL on December 16, 2007, 10:17:36 AM

Assalamu alaikum,
.......  got this from a friend, many of might have also.

Friends of Warri People We dey hail o! Enjoy!
THIS HAPPENED IN A CLASSROOM IN WARRI
Teacher : You boy, spell plantain
Boy : Whish One ? The ripe one abi the unripe one ?
Teacher : Shuo !!! What difference does it make? Just spell plantain. Abi you wan try me?
Boy : Shuo Teesha, no be fightooo!
  If you fry the ripe one na " DODO"
  If you fry the unripe one na "SHIPS"
  If you roast am, na "BOLI"
  If you soak am come dry am na "KPEKERE"
  All of dem na plantain,
  so whish one you wan make I spell.
Teacher : Na wao for una o ! wafi people! I bow o

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 16, 2007, 05:25:56 PM

LAUGH OUT REALLY LOUD, Honnestly men, this should be the joke of the months men, there should be an award in that category, i just cant help laughing!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on December 17, 2007, 08:19:14 AM

Quote from: *~MuDaCriS~* on December 16, 2007, 05:25:56 PM

LAUGH OUT REALLY LOUD, Honnestly men, this should be the joke of the months men, there should be an award in that category, i just cant help laughing!

That will be great. In what form will the reward be? ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on December 17, 2007, 11:32:22 AM

Quote from: EMTL on December 16, 2007, 10:17:36 AM

Assalamu alaikum,
.......  got this from a friend, many of might have also.

Friends of Warri People We dey hail o! Enjoy!
THIS HAPPENED IN A CLASSROOM IN WARRI
Teacher : You boy, spell plantain
Boy : Whish One ? The ripe one abi the unripe one ?
Teacher : Shuo !!! What difference does it make? Just spell plantain. Abi you wan try me?
Boy : Shuo Teesha, no be fightooo!
  If you fry the ripe one na " DODO"
  If you fry the unripe one na "SHIPS"
  If you roast am, na "BOLI"
  If you soak am come dry am na "KPEKERE"
  All of dem na plantain,
  so whish one you wan make I spell.
Teacher : Na wao for una o ! wafi people! I bow o

Good one, man. ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 17, 2007, 11:45:53 AM

I think I missed the Warri classroom joke, cos I cant see what is so very funny about it, except for a smart mouthed kid... ???

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on December 18, 2007, 10:25:47 AM

Wai wani babarbare ne makwabtansa duk suka sayi raguna don babbar sallah. Shi kuma da kyar ya samo wani dan taure don ya yanka ran sallah. Yana jan dan taure har ya iso gida. Da matansa ta ganshi da taure sai ta ce masa ba a nan gidan ba! Lallai ya koma ya nemo rago kamar yadda makwabtansu su ka samo. Sai ya ce da ita ai iya karfinsa kenan. Kawai sai ta tashi ta tafi gidansu ta fadawa babanta. Sai baban ya aika a kira mashi mijin. Da zuwansa ya tambayeshi me ya shiga tsakaninsa da matansa. Ya kwashe labarin duk abin da ya faru game da tauren da ya sayo musu don sallah. Baban matar yayi ta mata fada, yana cewa ai sai ta yi hakuri, domin kowa da iya karfin da Allah ya masa. Shikenan, sai suka kama hanya zasu tafi gida, sai baban yace da mijin 'yar tasa, wai ya aiko masa kan da kafafuwan tauren bayan ya yanka. Sai mijin ya ce, to in ya yi haka, su kuma su ci me?! ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: MySeLf on December 18, 2007, 11:33:37 AM

Wato ba mamora jikin dan tauran sai kai da kafafo ko waduz? hehehe lol...

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: sadiq on December 18, 2007, 11:59:17 AM

A thief went to steal his neighbours ram. he was about to tie it on his bike when the owner shouted from inside "malam lafiya"? the thief answered "zan kowa mashi machine ne". the neighbour responded "miko shi nan, ai ya iyya.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: MySeLf on December 18, 2007, 12:13:01 PM

Ha ha ha ha ha, lol sadiq..... Lallai kam ya iya, and need no extra lesson..lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Mufi on December 18, 2007, 01:03:31 PM

Quote from: sadiq on December 18, 2007, 11:59:17 AM

A thief went to steal his neighbours ram. he was about to tie it on his bike when the owner shouted from inside "malam lafiya"? the thief answered "zan kowa mashi machine ne". the neighbour responded "miko shi nan, ai ya iyya.

Lol!! Lol!!! Ha! ya! ya! dan Allah kubi mu a hankali dai, my stomach is hurting ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on December 19, 2007, 11:01:29 PM

The magic of elevators!

A ***** boy and his father were in a mall.  They were amazed by almost
>> everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
>> could move apart and then slide back together again.
>> The boy asked, "What is this, father?"
>> The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I have never
>> seen anything like this in my life.  I don't know what it is."
>> While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
>> lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
>> The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
>> The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers
>> above the walls light up sequentially.  They continued to watch until it
>> reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in reverse
>> order.
>> Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde
>> stepped out.  The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said
>> quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."


>> ******   can be any group you wish to poke fun at

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on December 19, 2007, 11:14:41 PM

LOL Dave...

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 22, 2007, 02:19:00 PM

Yo...this is an old GGNK joke, one of his first, i like it very much so i reposting it here!

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000
years ago.
So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists
dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists
have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that
their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000
years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After
digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found
absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their
ancestors were already using wireless!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 22, 2007, 07:55:49 PM

Muda that was lame. U know why? bcos as u said it was posted b4 and i happened to have read it way back and found it hilarious. second reason why its not funny anymore is because the wireless is not a novelty anymore. Its so everyday that its mundane. ::)

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on December 24, 2007, 12:06:12 PM

A man was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The girl, who would rather be left alone as she was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the man, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the man. 'How about nuclear power?'

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The man thought about it and said, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the girl replied, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh1t?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on December 24, 2007, 01:46:04 PM

 
 
Why Americans Shouldn't Be Allowed To Travel

These events were encountered really by someone.



The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response was "click".
4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
10. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

Americans kenan!

 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 24, 2007, 06:51:59 PM

Dumbasses!   ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 24, 2007, 08:34:51 PM

Quote from: HUSNAA on December 22, 2007, 07:55:49 PM

Muda that was lame. U know why? bcos as u said it was posted b4 and i happened to have read it way back and found it hilarious. second reason why its not funny anymore is because the wireless is not a novelty anymore. Its so everyday that its mundane. ::)

Haba? But you know other people might not besides i find it very funny though cause i have forgotten so it kind of appeared new to me! ;D

Here is this one though...

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on December 25, 2007, 07:13:01 PM

LOL.....u sure wont get worms!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on December 27, 2007, 09:54:54 AM

Goga, give us one laughing stock please! ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 29, 2007, 06:46:44 PM

Ga wani crazy one here....

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual
that happened during the past week.

Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he
began.

"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?"

"He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on December 31, 2007, 02:35:01 PM

Wannan labarin gaskiya ne ya faru, at least haka wanda ya bani labarin ya ce.

Wai wani mutum ne suka yi fada da matarsa, har abin ya kai tayi zuciya bata yi masa magana. Ga shi kuma zai kai ta gidan iyayen ta  a can Hotoro da yamma. Bayan ya dawo daga aiki, ta shirya ta shiga bayan mota (owners kwana) ta kame, shi kuma ya shiga gaba ya ja mota, kowa na tunanin abin da ya dame shi, ba mai cewa kowa kala. Can sun kawo wajen Aminu Kano Teaching hospictal, sai ya ga wata tsaleliyar yarinya a bakin titi tana jiran mota. Gogannaka ai ba sai ya manta yana tare da matarsa ba. Sai kawai ya ja birki, ya paka gefen titi, ya ce "'yam mata ina zaki ne?". Ta ce "Zaria road, wajen Na'ibawa". Ya ce "shigo mana muje". Yarinya kuwa ta bude gaban mota ta shige ;D

Duk wannan abin matar tana seat din baya, zuciya na cin ta ta kasa magana. Tayi shiru kawai tana kallon ikon Allah! Can dai DA taga abin ya wuce wasa, don su da zasu Hotoro, sai taga an karya kwanar AKTH roundabout an nufi Zaria road. Sai ta maganu..."mutum dai komai rashin mutuncinsa, ai ya kaini gida tukun >:(" . Mutumin ba kawai sai ya ji maganar daga bayan mota ba kamar a mafarki? Ai sai ya taka wani lafiyayyen birki, ya mika hannu ya bude kofar inda yarinyar take zaune.."FITA DAN UBANKI, FITA. MARA KUNYA, 'YAR ISKA!!!" ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on December 31, 2007, 03:12:25 PM

  ;D   ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D

  ;D   ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D

  ;D   ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 31, 2007, 07:30:08 PM

 ;D;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D That was so funny GGNK!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: MySeLf on January 01, 2008, 12:11:19 AM

Those smileys are more funnier than Bgizo story Lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on January 01, 2008, 04:50:44 PM

Honestly. I didnt really laugh at the joke until i scoll down to these smileys

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on January 04, 2008, 12:35:24 AM

You've got to see this...Just keep watching....very funny  ;D


http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on January 04, 2008, 07:23:31 AM

THAT. 
wasnt funny.

It was
brutal.

I have a mild headache as a result. >:(

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on January 04, 2008, 07:51:57 AM

LOL  ;D  ;D

Eyya sorry!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on January 04, 2008, 08:04:05 AM

Quote from: gogannaka on January 04, 2008, 07:51:57 AM

LOL  ;D  ;D

Eyya sorry!

lol it was a one minute headache   ;D. Its disappeared.. ;D ;D :D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on January 04, 2008, 10:36:37 AM

Quote from: gogannaka on January 04, 2008, 12:35:24 AM

You've got to see this...Just keep watching....very funny  ;D


http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

okay?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on January 05, 2008, 01:00:42 AM

Couple of wee jokes.
First one for engineers.

A lunatic escapes from an asylum and breaks into a house where a young woman is dong her washing and rapes her, then runs away.
 Newspaper headline the next day
" Nut screws washer and bolts."

A small insane clairvoyant escapes from an asylum.
Newspaper headline next day
" Small medium at large"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on January 13, 2008, 07:29:36 PM

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is  a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I  know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller:              "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator:         "What sort of trouble??"
Caller:              "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator:         "Went away?"
Caller:              "They disappeared"
Operator:         "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller:              "Nothing."
Operator:         "Nothing??"
Caller:              "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator:         "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller:              "How do I tell?"
Operator:         "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller:              "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator:         "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller:              "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator:         "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller:              "What's a monitor?"
Operator:         "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
                        little light that tells you when its on ? ?
Caller:               "I don't know."
Operator:          "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
                       cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller:              "Yes, I think so."
Operator:         "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              "Yes, it is."
Operator:         "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
                        cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller:               "Okay, here it is."
Operator:          "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller:               "I can't reach."
Operator:          "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller:               "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator:          "Dark??"
Caller:               "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator:           "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller:               "I can't."
Operator:          "No? Why not??"
Caller:               "Because there's a power failure."
Operator:           "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now.
                         Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your
                         computer came in??"
Caller:               "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator:           "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
                         it was when you got it.
                         Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller:                "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator:           "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller:                "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator:           "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on January 14, 2008, 02:02:55 PM

Quote from: Bakan~Gizo on December 31, 2007, 02:35:01 PM

Wannan labarin gaskiya ne ya faru, at least haka wanda ya bani labarin ya ce.

Wai wani mutum ne suka yi fada da matarsa, har abin ya kai tayi zuciya bata yi masa magana. Ga shi kuma zai kai ta gidan iyayen ta  a can Hotoro da yamma. Bayan ya dawo daga aiki, ta shirya ta shiga bayan mota (owners kwana) ta kame, shi kuma ya shiga gaba ya ja mota, kowa na tunanin abin da ya dame shi, ba mai cewa kowa kala. Can sun kawo wajen Aminu Kano Teaching hospictal, sai ya ga wata tsaleliyar yarinya a bakin titi tana jiran mota. Gogannaka ai ba sai ya manta yana tare da matarsa ba. Sai kawai ya ja birki, ya paka gefen titi, ya ce "'yam mata ina zaki ne?". Ta ce "Zaria road, wajen Na'ibawa". Ya ce "shigo mana muje". Yarinya kuwa ta bude gaban mota ta shige ;D

Duk wannan abin matar tana seat din baya, zuciya na cin ta ta kasa magana. Tayi shiru kawai tana kallon ikon Allah! Can dai DA taga abin ya wuce wasa, don su da zasu Hotoro, sai taga an karya kwanar AKTH roundabout an nufi Zaria road. Sai ta maganu..."mutum dai komai rashin mutuncinsa, ai ya kaini gida tukun >:(" . Mutumin ba kawai sai ya ji maganar daga bayan mota ba kamar a mafarki? Ai sai ya taka wani lafiyayyen birki, ya mika hannu ya bude kofar inda yarinyar take zaune.."FITA DAN UBANKI, FITA. MARA KUNYA, 'YAR ISKA!!!" ;D ;D

Gogannaka da ke cikin wannan labarin kam namu ne, ko kuwa wani dabam? ;D ;D Amma kuwa ya yi katobara. Kuma ya nuna da ma aikinsa ne, dauke dauke a hanya! Ko ba haka ba? lol......

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on January 17, 2008, 11:12:46 AM

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband. "
The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription ."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on January 17, 2008, 01:11:54 PM

Kai DBN, ka karni da dariya! ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Muhsin on January 17, 2008, 01:43:24 PM

Hahahahaha!!! Kai DB, what a hillarious!  ;D :D What a prescription that woman has? hmm

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on January 18, 2008, 01:56:10 PM

Real Quotes From Court

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son -- the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, ''Where am I, Cathy?''
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your atorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on January 18, 2008, 02:46:17 PM

u guys crack me up! here is one about a marital cheat

a guy walked into a diner, went to d bar and ordered a beer

certainly, d barman answered, that ll b one cent

one cent? d man exclaimed. he glanced at d menu n asked how much for a nice juicy steak n a bottle of wine?

a nickel, d barman replied, a nickel d man exclaimed, where is d guy who owns this place?

the barman replied, upstairs with my wife,

what is he doing upstairs with ur wife?, asked d man

d barman replied, the same thing im doing to his business down here

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on January 18, 2008, 08:28:09 PM

Quote from: Dan-Borno on January 17, 2008, 11:12:46 AM

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband. "
The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription ."

Dumb dumb and jaded..... ::) not funny at all.

UmmuT that was very funny!
Muda your jokes take the day's prize! ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on January 18, 2008, 08:39:49 PM

You are in conflict with your son lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on January 19, 2008, 12:51:42 PM

Quote from: *~MuDa~* on January 18, 2008, 01:56:10 PM

Real Quotes From Court

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy

That is my favourite Husnaa.
Felt like dying out of laughter...lol
Some people are simply insane you know that!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Muhsin on January 19, 2008, 05:07:55 PM

Quote from: Dan-Borno on January 18, 2008, 08:39:49 PM

You are in conflict with your son lol

Wa kuma?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ajingi on January 21, 2008, 08:27:17 AM

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "A hundred pounds," the dentist says. "That's ridiculous," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if I don't use anaesthetic, I can knock it down to £50." "That's still too expensive," the man says. "OK," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging £20" I suppose I could charge you just £10..." "Marvellous," says the man. "Book my wife for next Tuesday!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on January 21, 2008, 09:01:33 AM

Wanzami ne yana cikin yi wa bafillace aski, sai ya yi tusa mai warin gaske:

Bafillatani:  Kai, wannan iska da wari ta ke!

Wanzami:    Ai iskar bazara ce......

Bafillatani:  Iskar bazara??? Caf! asha bana za a yi ruwan kashi! ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: EMTL on January 21, 2008, 10:06:46 AM

Assalamu alaikum,
Naji wannan labarin:

Wani Bagobiri ne yaje kasuwar Hadeja da Birinsa yana wasa, sai yace ma Birin ' Kayi mani tagumin Bahadeje lokacin da yaji anyi sanarwa sababbin Jihohi amma ba'a ba hadeja Jiha ba'.

Me kake tsammani ya faru da birin da mai gidansa....?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Muhsin on January 21, 2008, 10:29:25 AM

LOL ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on January 21, 2008, 12:22:11 PM

LOL

You guys go kill pessin wit laffter.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on January 22, 2008, 09:53:41 AM

EMTL, ina jin dai birin ya tsere da kyar da tsalle tsalle. Amma fa maishi daalamar ba zai kai ba............an yi koli koli da shi!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on January 22, 2008, 11:37:27 AM

There was an Indian, a caveman, and a cowboy. One day they ran out of food and decided to go hunting. The Indian went out and got a bear, the caveman and the cowboy said, how did you get that? He said,” Me find tracks me follow tracks me get bear." So the next day the cowboy went out and got a deer, the caveman said,” How did you get that? He said "Me find tracks me follow tracks me get deer." So when the caveman got backs from his hunt all bloody, and disfigured. The Indian and cowboy said,” How did that happen?" The caveman replied, "Me find tracks, me follow tracks me get hit by train!!"  ;D ;D ;D

 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on January 22, 2008, 12:08:28 PM

Wai wani mutum ne yaje gidan abokinsa suna hira. Can sai dan abokin ya shigo gida, zai wuce dakinsa. Sai ya durkusa ya gaida su. Sai baban, with pride, ya ce da abokinsa, " ka san kuwa dan nan nawa Kabiru yanzu har ya shiga form six yake? Ai kwananan zasu yi SSCE!". Abokin uban ya dubi yaron da mamaki, yace "Iyye! Lallai lokaci na gudu".
Sai ya kalli yaron ya tambaye shi da turanci, "So Kabiru, can you speak English?"
Yaro ya amsa da takama, "Can you mana !" ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on January 22, 2008, 06:18:51 PM

Quote from: Bakan~Gizo on January 22, 2008, 12:08:28 PM

Wai wani mutum ne yaje gidan abokinsa suna hira. Can sai dan abokin ya shigo gida, zai wuce dakinsa. Sai ya durkusa ya gaida su. Sai baban, with pride, ya ce da abokinsa, " ka san kuwa dan nan nawa Kabiru yanzu har ya shiga form six yake? Ai kwananan zasu yi SSCE!". Abokin uban ya dubi yaron da mamaki, yace "Iyye! Lallai lokaci na gudu".
Sai ya kalli yaron ya tambaye shi da turanci, "So Kabiru, can you speak English?"
Yaro ya amsa da takama, "Can you mana !" ;D ;D

falls off laughing!! ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Bee on January 22, 2008, 06:42:44 PM

  Wai akwai wani basakkwace mai tumbi.Yana da wani dan karamin yaro wanda shekarun sa basu wuce 3 ba.Wata rana mutumin na kofar gida da yamma tare da abokan sa sai yaron ya fito wasa kusa da uban .Can yana cikin wasa sai ya tsaya ya kalli uban ya tambaye shi.
     'Baba,baba mi na na a cikin ga naka?'
 Uban yayi shiru ya kyale shi kamar bai jishi ba.Yaron na tsammani bai ji shi bane sai ya kara tambayar shi
     'Baba,mi na na a cikin ga naka?Duk tutu na?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on January 23, 2008, 02:36:09 AM

U know Bee, the little tot will never know just how near the truth he was.... ;D ;D ;D ;D (think tatse hanjin rago!!!) ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on January 23, 2008, 03:31:23 PM

Some men were working at a sawmill when one of them got too close to the blade and his ear was chopped off and flew into the sawdust. The other guys  began to search  through the saw dust looking for it.
"I've found it!" yelled one co worker lifting an ear and showing it to the earless man.
"Keep looking" said the earless man. "Mine has a pencil behind it".

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on January 23, 2008, 03:53:38 PM

LOL  ;D ;D

Bai yadda ba kenan...

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ajingi on January 24, 2008, 11:26:13 AM

Lol  ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ajingi on January 24, 2008, 11:57:00 AM

Wai akwai wani Malami da Almajiran sa, amma ba'a shiri tsakanin matar Malamin da kuma Almajiransa. Saboda tsananin gaba dake tsakanin su, Idan matar Mallam ta saka musu abinci a tasa, bayan sun cinye sai su yi Kashi a Kwanon su rufe su aika mata da shi. Ita kuwa (Matar mallam) sai ta rinka shanya kashin a kan rumfa, da ya taru sai ta naimo kayan yaji da su daddawa (Kalwa) da maggi, gishiri da sauran su ta hada ta daka, kamar yajin kalwa. Bayan yan kwanaki sai ta rinka sa musu a cikin abinci ana kai musu. Da ganin haka sai sukayi tsammani ai yajin kalwa ne. Almajirai suka fara murna akan matar Malam tayi hankali har tafara sa musu yajin kalwa a abinci. Sai suka yanke shawarar su dai na aika mata da kashi a kwano. Suka daina yinkashin!!...a kullum abincin su ga mai ga Yaji...
Ana nan har yaji ya kare, sai suka ga an daina sa yajin. Sai suka je wajen matar:

Almajirai: Matar Mallam yaya kika daina sa mana yaji?
Matar Mallam: Wallahi na ga kundaina kashin ne, kuma wanda kuka yi ya kare, sai idan kunyi nan gaba sai adaka muku...

Wa aka cuta??????

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on January 24, 2008, 06:17:18 PM

LOL...

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on January 25, 2008, 11:31:34 AM

Labarin Sarkin Kwadayi.......


Wannan wani ne wai zai yi tafiya. Ya dauki jakarsa ya kama hanya. Kafin ya bar gari sai ya ratse gidan abokinsa don ya yi masa bankwana. Suka zauna suna gaisawa kafin ya kama hanya. Sai matafiyin ya hangi wata tukunya rimdediya akan wuta tana tafasa fuuu fuuuu, ga kuma matar maigidan tana ta iza wutar tana kuma kara ice. Tururi na ta fita daga karkashin marfin tukunyar. Sai kawai ya zauna ya dinga surutai da maigidan wai ko abin zai dahu a kawo musu. Sun zauna lokaci mai tsawo dai bai ga an sauke tukunya ba, balle a debo musu dahuwar. Sai ya ce wa maigida zan lallaba na tafi.
Maigidan ya rakashi har bayan gari. Ga kuma dare ya fara yi. Maigida ya dawo daga rakiya kenan bai jima ba sosai, sai ga wanda aka raka ya dawo a guje, yan haki. Ya ce, "kura!, wallahi kana bari na ban yi nisa ba, sai ga azzaluma, ta sa ni a gaba! Da kyar na iso nan!," Maigida ya ce to madalla tunda ka tsira. ai dan Wai dan ya tabbatar cewa nama ake dafawa, sai ya ce da maigidan "kuma wallahi tsakanina da kurar bai fi nan da tukunyan naman nan ba.! Sai maigida ya ce, "Ai ba nama bane a cikin tukaunyar ake dafawa, kalwa ake dafawa don yin daddawa."! Sai bakon ya ce, "kalwa.?!", to bari na matsa na yi gaba! ;D
   

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on January 25, 2008, 02:34:39 PM

 ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Muhsin on January 28, 2008, 03:48:24 PM

Keep it up guys! ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on February 04, 2008, 06:16:03 PM

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung
Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, how
about playing Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and
it's the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I would rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play
Weeweechu."....


(Scroll down)
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang....

"Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
and a happy New Year."     ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: precious on February 04, 2008, 09:11:10 PM

 ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Muhsin on February 05, 2008, 11:17:56 AM

You made me laugh. ;DBKZ.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on February 05, 2008, 11:59:43 AM

*Falls off*  ;D ;D ;D

Weeweechu...lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Konan on February 05, 2008, 10:05:02 PM

lmao weeweechu lol dats so funny

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Konan on February 05, 2008, 10:14:18 PM

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Konan on February 05, 2008, 10:16:07 PM

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 25 pounds?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £25. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: arubuta on February 05, 2008, 11:41:35 PM

 ;D  ;D
his ferari

 ;D  ;D  ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on February 06, 2008, 02:11:53 PM

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings  account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank  because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She
placed her purse on his desk and replied,  '$165,000'.
 
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman  replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the
president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'

'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his  testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over
again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no
way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and  acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.  The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that
and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around
10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Muhsin on February 06, 2008, 02:25:10 PM

That was perfectly funny. The 'better' woman was really tricky and cunning. Thus, even if she won't win the President, she at least and last won $100.00 of that foolish lawyer. LOL ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Konan on February 06, 2008, 10:29:50 PM

oh yh ive heard dis joke before lol i laughed so much

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on February 09, 2008, 05:48:21 PM

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Konan on February 12, 2008, 05:51:31 PM

A very posh man was walking around the art gallery when he spotted one particular exhibit.

"I suppose this picture of a hideous vampire is what you call modern art," he said very pompously.

"No sir," replied the assistant, "that's what we call a mirror."

 ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on February 18, 2008, 10:56:22 AM

i dont know where to post this one sef.
early this morning when i came to my office,
as usual the "mai gadi" at the parking lot use
to welcome me and in most cases we engage
in talks about nigeria before and now.

the baba maigadi was a soldier and has fought
on the nigerian side during the country's civil
war with biafra, and he is well known for classified
stories about the war and world at large.

So, this mornign after exchanging the normal
pleasantries, i now asked   him "Baba yaya zaman
duniya"?  he shrugged and said "Alhamdulillah"
since we are alive and and in good health.  I was
trying to create a funny conversation which i
know he is good at.

I now went further and said, "amma baba ai kai
yanzu duk  wanda ya ganka yaga mai lafiya da
kuma kudi"  aha i don open his mouth and he sat
down to narrate this story of "BIRI DA FAKARA"
Biri means monkey, but FAKARA someone should
help with the translation.

Yace wai Fakara tana yawon neman abinci sai ta
fara cewa duniya duniya duniya duniya meaning
she is feeling hunger, oh this world.  meanwhile
mutumin ka yana bishiyan tsamiya yana ta shan
tsamiya and he replied Fakara me ke faruwa a
duniya? Fakara replied that there is no food and
the likes of biri will not allow the seeds to fall down
for them crawlers to pick.  Biri kam sai dariyan
mugunta while enjoying himself.

After a while, biri sai ya leko from the top of the
tree and found out that a hunter with about six
dogs surrounded the bishiyan tsamiya.  Wane mutum
sai biri ya rikice, the hunter shouted that he should
willingly come down for he is under arrest, and if
he did not come down peacefull necessary force
will be used against him (construction mine).

While the hunter is decided how to get at the monkey
the monke stylishly fell down from the other end of
the tree, kafin kace me, kafa me naci ban baki ba
he started running for his dear life.  He was pursued
by both the hunter and his dogs, fortunate enough
for the monkey he found a hiding heaven and the
dogs and hunter after thorough checking left the scene
while the monkey is in a state of coma.

After he work up from his comatose, Fakara was passing
by saying Duniya Duniya Duniya Duniya, then the monkey
interrupted breathing heavily, ke me kika gani a duniya,
har yanzu baki ga kome ba.

END OF STORY

While the story was been narrated to me, i laughed laughed
and laughed.  THen baba maigadi went ahead to answer
me, saying if one is complaining that he is feeling hungry,
then there is something which is more than hungry, and
that thing is FITINA or MASIFA just like what is illustrated
in the above story.

When you look at my country Nigeria, every blesseth day
you find people crying of inflation, corrupt leadership,
and poor management of public wealth and property.

All above when compared to the present crisis in Kenya,
Sudan, Somalia, Tchad, Baghdad, Afghanistan, Palastine
and other parts of the world that are clouded with wars
and crisis, you will find out that nigeria is a safe heaven.

So we should thank our Almighty Creator for ensuring
peace in Nigeria. 

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim
"...Alfitnatu ashaddu minal katli..."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: EMTL on February 18, 2008, 02:50:18 PM

Assalamu alaikum,
A retired Soldier noted that each time people report to the Police station that there is an Armed Robbery taking place- inviting the police to help the Police always have excusses like- 'No fuel in our car', asking the reporter to sit and write long reports, etc. etc.

One day while an armed robbery operation was going on on the road near their town- He went to the Police station and reported:

Retired Soldier:'Officers, offiecrs.. a car belonging to a Bank has just had an accident... villagers are collecting morney from the truck instaed of helping... Pleasssssssssse go and assist. This time around the Police had no execuses they picked their car and roared towards the scene. Un-knowing to them instead meeting a Bank truck with New Naira notes flying around they ran into rain of bullets from the Robbers...... Allah Ya kiyaye

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on February 19, 2008, 09:56:47 AM

Everyday for the Police, one day for the robbers! Maganinsu kenan........................... ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on February 20, 2008, 10:54:48 PM

Hey guys help me with this puzzle pls.

This is a story about three people (A, B and C)
crossing a desert. A hated C and decided to kill
him - he poisoned the water in his sack (only C had water).
B also wanted to kill C (not knowing that the water
of C had been already poisoned) and so B made a
hole into the sack of C and the water spilt out. A few
days later C died of thirst.

Who was the murderer - A or B?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Ibro2g on February 20, 2008, 11:38:22 PM

Isnt it obvious

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on February 21, 2008, 09:22:00 AM

Respond to DB puzzle.

M not a lawyer; I think fail plan/intention to kill dont constitute a murder. So A is not the muderer

B's action depends on his intention. If the reason for puncturing the water container was to kill C with thirst then B is the muderer. But if it was to put C into the misery of thirst then is not murder

My opinion

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on February 21, 2008, 11:18:46 AM

IBB:  It is stated that B also wanted to kill C. So B's the murderer.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on February 21, 2008, 02:08:46 PM

There are three possible ways to look at this.
The first way is to consider A and B as equally sharing in the blame for the murder of C, because C had no way out which ever way u look at it. If he had the water, and he drank it, he would have died anyway.
The second way to look at it is to give A the greater share of the blame. This is because there is always a chance that even though B had slit the water sack and the water leaked out, there is always the possibility that C might come across an oasis, or a caravan of ppl or some other way so that he could get another supply of water. So in effect B's method can be considered as second degree murder, because there is the a slim chance that C may not have died. However with A, there is no second chance; the moment C drinks the water, he is gone.
The third way to look at it is that both A and B have cut their noses to spite their faces. We could say that both A and B are the most brainless morons alive. Only C had water. So as it is implied that they are travelling together, then C's water becomes the source of water for all three. A  has poisoned  the water. Now since A knows that the water is poisoned, he wont drink it and therefore he will very likely die of thirst also. Since A did not tell B  that he had poisoned the water (if he had told him, they would have been co conspirators in A's plan and B would have had no need to slit the sack open), then there is a likelihood that B will die if he drank the water. Also its a matter of who drinks the water first, between B or C as none of them know its poisoned. If C drinks the water first, and dies, then B wont drink it and will likely die of thirst as well. If B drinks the water first, then C wont drink it seeing that B has died and he will likely die of thirst also.
Now since B went and slit the water sack and the poisoned water leaked out, it meant that they were saved from one form of death only to be confronted by another. C reportedly died after three days, so are A and B in any better shape than C? Did he die first? Maybe he didnt; maybe one or both of the other two perished before him. We are not told, but  we must assume that what ever condition that C found himself in shortly before his demise, A and B must have suffered it as well. Therefore this is a case of second degree murder (by B) attempted murder (by A)  manslaughter (by B) attempted manslaughter (by A) and unintentional suicide (by B).

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on February 21, 2008, 02:53:31 PM

Ana wata, ga wata. Hajia ko ke lauya ce? Ai maimakon solution kin kara rikirkita lamarin.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on February 21, 2008, 07:14:21 PM

good scenario auntyn muhsin. 
however, the cause of the death of C is "thirst"
even though thirst is not a likely probable cause of death
which B surely knows that, hence his intention to leak
out the water so that they will only suffer for a while.
so, i dont think C will be liable for any offence since the
mere liking of the water can not constitute a case of an
intention to kill.

As for A, the poisoned water was not used by either
C or B, though he intended to kill C and fully knowing that
posining the water will result to death.  however, C did not
drink the water ko? and he did not confide in anyone of him
contaminating the water with poisonous thing.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on February 22, 2008, 10:19:31 AM

Well, all have tried from the puzzler DBN to all the others. The general believe in law, however, is that all cases have to be proved beyond all reasonable doubt. The Criminal Procedure Code (CPC) and the Penal Code, define crimes and the ingredients of proving such crimes after committing them. Let us take culpable homicide or murder, for instance: The following are needed to prove it before a conviction is earned:

1. Medical report.

This will prove the kind of death the victim suffered. From knife, bullets, hitting with wooden stick, suffocation, poisoning and, or natural wounds, the medical report will tremendously help the court to reach a verdict.

2. Weapon used:

The weapon used in committing murder should be tendered in court so that it can be accepted as an exhibit. In case of a knife wound that caused death, the blood sample must match the one on the victim. This will be compared and analyzed by a forensic science laboratory.

3. Direct evidence:

That is the evidence adduced by an eye witness. This kind of evidence is like this, "....I was sitting down with the late musa when an arguement ensued between him and garba. I saw garba draw out a knife and stabbed him three times in the stomach........" This is the kind of testimony that is better than circumstancial evidence.

4. Motive:

The court needs to prove the motive behind the murder. It could be in self defence, provocation, jealousy etc.

Copse:

For identification and post mortem purposes.


The scenerio given by DBN is ofcourse a story as he said. But the question to ask is, how did we know that it was B who punctured C's water container? Why A hates C? What DBN means by intention to kill is known as attempted murder.   

If you are interested, the ingredients of proving thefts will follow......... ;D 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Hafsy_Lady on February 22, 2008, 12:04:12 PM

Okwo hhhmmmm ashe we have lawyers in the forum.... very impressed i must say  :) make i take my leg comot....ummita were u de you should be here... Lawyers in action.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on February 23, 2008, 08:42:23 PM

Quote from: Dan-Borno on February 21, 2008, 07:14:21 PM

good scenario auntyn muhsin. 
however, the cause of the death of C is "thirst"
even though thirst is not a likely probable cause of death
which B surely knows that, hence his intention to leak
out the water so that they will only suffer for a while.
so, i dont think C will be liable for any offence since the
mere liking of the water can not constitute a case of an
intention to kill.

As for A, the poisoned water was not used by either
C or B, though he intended to kill C and fully knowing that
posining the water will result to death.  however, C did not
drink the water ko? and he did not confide in anyone of him
contaminating the water with poisonous thing.

Yeah, Who is the murderer then oga DB?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on February 26, 2008, 12:48:02 AM

Ansar tayi wuya ne?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on February 26, 2008, 09:02:18 AM

Quote from: Hafsy_Lady on February 22, 2008, 12:04:12 PM

Okwo hhhmmmm ashe we have lawyers in the forum.... very impressed i must say  :) make i take my leg comot....ummita were u de you should be here... Lawyers in action.

Exactly...lol...Hafsy kenan, you know how to Poison someones water well enough...lol! ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on February 26, 2008, 01:16:32 PM

Quote from: IBB on February 26, 2008, 12:48:02 AM

Ansar tayi wuya ne?

we have offered enough for the puzzle!!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on February 26, 2008, 04:10:44 PM

Quote from: 'dan borno

good scenario auntyn muhsin. 
however, the cause of the death of C is "thirst"
even though thirst is not a likely probable cause of death
which B surely knows that, hence his intention to leak
out the water so that they will only suffer for a while.
so, i dont think C will be liable for any offence since the
mere liking of the water can not constitute a case of an
intention to kill.

Dan Borno you are contradicting yourself. You initially wrote that B wanted to kill C, so he made a hole in the water sack and the water spilled out. Now you are saying that B knows that thirst can not be a probable cause of death that is why he slit the waterskin/sack.. he only wanted them to suffer for a while.
Well anyway what ever the case, C died as a result and now its a clear case of manslaughter if the killing was unintentional as u like to put it.
As for A, the mere fact that he escaped being a murderer does not exculpate him from guilt of attempted murder!
Kana so kayi mana irin ta 'yar adua da janar  Buhari ko? If u cant beat 'em, join em!! (wagging finger and shaking head at DB.. ) tsk tsk tsk..dont do it!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on February 26, 2008, 05:01:34 PM

abin ma da biyu ne? bamu muka kar zomon ba ai,
sai kuje kuyi appeal against decision na tribunal.

dont forget auntyn muhsin, the scenario is still
a puzzle, i only brought it here but i am not the
inventor, i also participate not based on the story
i gave, but from my perception and thinking.

my argument in the puzzle is that i doubt if by denying
a person water it will lead to death!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on February 26, 2008, 05:06:15 PM

how about this joke mada?


A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along
and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived
at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage
to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted
the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you
didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody
left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
   

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on February 26, 2008, 05:47:32 PM

 oh lol!!! his rolex hahahahahaha!!!!! ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on February 27, 2008, 10:14:15 AM

What a joke, DBN. Ai wannan dan banza ne, ana maganan hannunsa yana maganan agogonsa? :-[

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on February 27, 2008, 12:17:51 PM

here is another puzzle i got, lets try it.

Using the numerals 1, 9, 9 and 6,
mathematical symbols +, -, x, :,
root and brackets create the following numbers:
29, 32, 35, 38, 70, 73, 76, 77, 100 and 1000.
All the numerals must be used in the given order (each just once) and without turning upside down.


Waduz, here i go:-

9x9-6+1 = 76
common guys, lets see how your brain works

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on March 03, 2008, 07:10:32 AM

Pass!


ANGER MANAGEMENT

Husband to wife : When I get mad at you, you
never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife : I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband : How does that help?

Wife : I use your toothbrush .

Thats all.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on March 03, 2008, 09:56:48 AM

la ilaha illallahu kai amma anyi muguwan mata anan
 ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Muhsin on March 03, 2008, 12:06:39 PM

What a hillarious, goga? ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on March 03, 2008, 12:28:04 PM

Quote from: gogannaka on March 03, 2008, 07:10:32 AM

Pass!


ANGER MANAGEMENT

Husband to wife : When I get mad at you, you
never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife : I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband : How does that help?

Wife : I use your toothbrush .

Thats all.

 ;D ;D Wayyo Allah. Amma wallahi ta gama da shi :o

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on March 04, 2008, 09:14:21 AM

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations! ):

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. '

Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'

Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator:         'Went away?'

Caller:              'They disappeared. '

Operator:         'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller:              'Nothing.'

Operator:         'Nothing??'

Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller:              'How do I tell?'

Operator:         'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller:              'What's a monitor?'

Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you   
                         when it's on??'

Caller:               'I don't know.'

Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you
                          see that??'

Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'

Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller:              'Yes, it is.'

Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the
                        back of it, not just one??'

Caller:               'No.'

Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'

Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller:               'I can't reach.'

Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller:               'No.'

Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator:          'Dark??'

Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator:          'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller:               'I can't.'

Operator:          'No? Why not??'

Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator:          'A power....... .. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
                          Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator:          'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.
                           Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller:               'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator:          'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller:               'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator:          'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!! !

 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on March 04, 2008, 04:42:00 PM

We had this one somewhere. Check previous posts.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Muhsin on March 04, 2008, 05:30:49 PM

Husnaa, kin hana DB sakat a wannan thread din, I understand... ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on March 04, 2008, 11:48:43 PM

The toothbrush joke (Anger Management) reminds me of a horrible true story of something that happened near here. Close by where I live there are several holiday camps in the woods with caravans and chalets. A freind of mine came down at the weekend to find his holiday caravan had been broken into and all the food in the fridge had been eaten. There didn't seem to be any other theft and in fact his digital camera was still in the drawer. It was only when he went home to print out the photos on his digital camera that he discovered the real mischief. The burglars had taken photographs of their backsides with my friend's and his wife's toothbrushes stuck up their a****s. And they (my friend and wife) had used the toothbrushes! Ugh!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on March 05, 2008, 05:48:58 AM

ugg! That was ugly!!
There was a tragedy concerning toothbrushes, some yrs back in kano.. I think late 90s. One house girl with HIV aids, daily used her brush to brush the teeth of the little tots she was taking care of. Consequently, they became infected with aids. Some say it was a deliberate act.. well  only Allah Knows and herself. She ruined the lives of her employers that's for sure....

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on March 10, 2008, 12:20:43 PM

A Nursery 1 student in a Danfo bus from school
was reciting the days lesson at school, it went thus:

If my father is a cock and my mother a hen, I will be a chick

if my father is a lion and my mother a lioness, I will be a cob

if my father is a king and my mother a queen, I will be a prince etc, etc.

The bus driver was irritated by the boys 'noise', he shouted at the
boy asking him to shut up. But the boy continued. Then the driver
shouted; What of if your father is an 'armed robber' and your mother
an 'ashawo' (prostitute) what will you be? The boy replied;
I will be a 'Danfo Driver' "

lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on March 10, 2008, 07:05:25 PM

Quote from: Dan-Borno on March 10, 2008, 12:20:43 PM

A Nursery 1 student in a Danfo bus from school
was reciting the days lesson at school, it went thus:

If my father is a cock and my mother a hen, I will be a chick

if my father is a lion and my mother a lioness, I will be a cob

if my father is a king and my mother a queen, I will be a prince etc, etc.

The bus driver was irritated by the boys 'noise', he shouted at the
boy asking him to shut up. But the boy continued. Then the driver
shouted; What of if your father is an 'armed robber' and your mother
an 'ashawo' (prostitute) what will you be? The boy replied;
I will be a 'Danfo Driver' "

lol

That was classic DB!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on March 11, 2008, 12:25:02 AM

Here's a really awful joke

A woman with a glass eye was looking out of a window on the third floor when her glass eye fell out.
A surprised passing man caught it and climbed up the stairs to the woman's flat  to return it.
She invited him in, put the glass eye back in again and said " I'm so grateful. Would you like a cup of tea and some cake?"
The man agreed
When he had finished the cake the woman laid back on her couch provocactively and whispered " Would you like something else?"
He replied " I hope you don't offer this to every man you meet"
She replied " No. Only those who catch my eye!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on March 11, 2008, 11:01:54 AM

Ughh! Talking about catching eyes! ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on March 11, 2008, 11:02:28 AM

Quote from: HUSNAA on March 10, 2008, 07:05:25 PM

That was classic DB!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Quote from: Muhsin on March 04, 2008, 05:30:49 PM

Husnaa, kin hana DB sakat a wannan thread din, I understand... ;D ;D ;D

Muhsin, bata hanani sakat ba ko kadan, she spoke the truth
didnt you see her here laughing sai kace wadda akayi mata
albishir cewa za a kara mata kishiya............. lol.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on March 11, 2008, 11:17:05 AM

here is another one.

HOW TO HANDLE A HUSBAND !

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple."
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. 
"We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a
trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled 
and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."


"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.


I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you friggin crazy?!" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once." And from that moment on... we have lived happily ever after."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Ibro2g on March 11, 2008, 01:22:59 PM

Babbar abin da mallam ya hana fada Thats really funny, I would want a woman like that


Safety and peace

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on March 11, 2008, 01:35:07 PM

Quote from: Dan-Borno on March 11, 2008, 11:02:28 AM

Quote from: HUSNAA on March 10, 2008, 07:05:25 PM

That was classic DB!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Quote from: Muhsin on March 04, 2008, 05:30:49 PM

Husnaa, kin hana DB sakat a wannan thread din, I understand... ;D ;D ;D

Muhsin, bata hanani sakat ba ko kadan, she spoke the truth
didnt you see her here laughing sai kace wadda akayi mata
albishir cewa za a kara mata kishiya............. lol.

Lol DB NOW you have me laughing my head off!! Maybe kana da masaniya da ni bani da ita. Kasan irin wannan lamarin the one concerned is always the last to know... ;D ;D ;D ;D

Quote from: Ibro2g on March 11, 2008, 01:22:59 PM

Babbar abin da mallam ya hana fada Thats really funny, I would want a woman like that

Safety and peace

A DOMINATRIX?
Ibro  I am intrigued by you.. too much of a dreamer... are u an artist by any chance? I think I should give yr avatar a reading ( I sound like gypsy soothsayer ko?)
You could be one of three things but I will keep them to myself. Peace to u too.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on March 12, 2008, 05:01:10 AM

Quote from: Dave_McEwan_Hill on March 11, 2008, 12:25:02 AM

" No. Only those who catch my eye!"

lol thats deep

Quote from: Dan-Borno on March 10, 2008, 12:20:43 PM

I will be a 'Danfo Driver' "

Thats funny think i'v heard that before

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Ibro2g on March 13, 2008, 12:46:44 AM

Quote from: Ibro2g on March 11, 2008, 01:22:59 PM

Thats really funny, I would want a woman like that

lol lol lol lol lol thats really funny. What I meant was I would'nt want a woman like that. When I replied that some dude was tryina make a point at the office. He musta confused me.

Husnaa, not much is intriguing about me. As u can see I just made a mistake, just like anyone could.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on March 18, 2008, 04:14:08 PM

There's a story about a great fisherman who always came home with a load of fish.
One day a stranger asked if he could accompany him the next time he went fishing.
"Sure," the fisherman said. The next morning the 2 made their way to a remote cave.
The stranger noticed that the fisherman didn't have any poles or other equipment
except a rusty tackle box and a scoop net. After the fisherman shut off the motor of
the boat, he opened the tackle box and pulled out a stick of dynamite. He struck a match,
lit the dynamite, and then tossed it into the water. After a deafening explosion, he grabbed
his net and began scooping up fish. With a hard look, the stranger reached into his pocket
and pulled out a badge with the words Game Warden inscribed on it. "You are under arrest,
"he said. His words didn't faze the fisherman. He simply reached into his tackle box again,
lit another stick of dynamite and held it while the fuse burned down. Then he handed the
dynamite to the game warden and said, "So, are you just going to sit there,
or are you going to fish?"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on March 18, 2008, 10:26:33 PM

LOL

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on March 20, 2008, 02:11:06 AM

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE
>
>
>
> A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck
> fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live
> far and would just walk home.
>
>
>
> On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
> bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and
> picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling
> outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire
> purchases home.
>
>
>
> While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
> lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to
> get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
>
>
>
> The farmer said, 'Well, as a matt er of fact, my farm is very close
> to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
>
>
>
> The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the
> bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm
> and carry the goose in your other hand?'
>
>
>
> 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old
> girl home.
>
>
>
> On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
> We'll be there in no time.'
>
>
>
> The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a
> lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when
> we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
> skirt, and have your way with me?'
>
> The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon
> of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I
> possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
>
>
>
> The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the
> bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens
>

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on March 20, 2008, 12:20:20 PM

 ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on March 20, 2008, 02:33:17 PM

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick

packs

the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site

is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get

there Mick unpacks the food and beer and says "Ok Roy give me the bottle

opener" "I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it".

 

Mick gets worried, so he turns to Andy and says "Did you bring the bottle

opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from

home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it.

 

But he  refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two

hours and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not

eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a

steady pace.

 

20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving,but a

promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise

is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a

sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from

behind a rock and shouts:

 

"I KNEW IT......I'M NOT  GOING.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on March 20, 2008, 10:38:50 PM

Quote from: Dave_McEwan_Hill on March 20, 2008, 02:11:06 AM

> The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the
> bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens

You have hilarious joke Mr Dave

Gogannaka that was really funny. So all that time he was hiding

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Ibro2g on March 21, 2008, 11:54:07 PM

That old lady from Dave's joke is one cracker...lol And Goggs, that Roy is a real snitch ass turtle

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on March 25, 2008, 10:54:58 AM

Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband, Scott, dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth and finally pushed me free. I was on the road when I heard an odd noise. I got on my cell and called home. "Thank God you answered," I said when Scott picked up. "There's this alarming sound coming under the van. For a moment I thought I was dragging you down the highway."

"And you didn't stop?"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on March 25, 2008, 12:51:01 PM

One day Raju's dad bought a robot, The robot was special in that it
could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.

Raju returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why
are you late from school?".

Raju answered, "Dad we had extra classes today".

Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Raju on his
face.

His dad told him son that his robot is special in that he can detect a
lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the
truth, "Why are you late?"

"Dad I went for a movie", "Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments", Splatt
Raju got a tight slap on the face from the robot.

"No dad honest I went for the movie Sex Queen." Shame on you son when I
was your age I never used to do such shameful things."

Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.

Hearing all this, Raju's mother comes walking out of the kitchen
saying, "After all he is your son, he will be like you!", to which the robot
steps up and gives a resounding slap on Raju's mothers face."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on March 25, 2008, 12:57:43 PM

Woman - Chemical Analysis
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Element: Woman
Symbol: WO

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 - 160 lbs.


Occurence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:
1) Surface usually covered in a painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given proper treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly.
5) Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

Chemical Properties:
1) Possesses great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and other
precious metals.
2) Able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left with a MALE.
4) Insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increased by saturation in
alcohol.
5) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Uses:
1) Highly ornamental especially in sports cars.
2) Most poweful money-reducing agent known to man.
3) Can be a great aid in relaxation.

Tests:
1) Pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in natural state.
2) Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:
1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2) Illegal to possess more than one except in certain areas.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on March 26, 2008, 11:24:04 AM

LOL kar ka bari Husnaa ta ga wannan joke din  ;D


James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn’t wake up.

He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you,” demanded James, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?” The mysterious man answered “This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter”.

James didn’t take the news so well… “You mean I’m dead! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t even said goodbye to my family… you’ve got to send me back right away!”

St. Peter replied “You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated - but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. “This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies James, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “haven’t you ever laid an egg before?”

“Never” replies James.

“Well just relax and let it happen.”

And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him - emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!

The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout “James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you’re sh*tting in bed!”

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: EMTL on March 26, 2008, 11:40:42 AM

Quote from: *~MuDa~* on March 25, 2008, 12:57:43 PM

Woman - Chemical Analysis
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Element: Woman
Symbol: WO

.

Assalamu alaikum,
Goga this is interesting BUt what about Man's chemical analysis?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on March 26, 2008, 01:29:05 PM

muhahahahahahahaha
where was i when this jokes are cracked?
Muda baka da dama and u Goga, this story
can be a lesson to yan giya.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on March 26, 2008, 01:36:25 PM

Quote from: *~MuDa~* on March 25, 2008, 12:51:01 PM

One day Raju's dad bought a robot, The robot was special in that it
could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.

Raju returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why
are you late from school?".

Raju answered, "Dad we had extra classes today".

Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Raju on his
face.

His dad told him son that his robot is special in that he can detect a
lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the
truth, "Why are you late?"

"Dad I went for a movie", "Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments", Splatt
Raju got a tight slap on the face from the robot.

"No dad honest I went for the movie Sex Queen." Shame on you son when I
was your age I never used to do such shameful things."

splatt and slaps all round! that was funny.. wish there was such a robot..the world would be a more truthful place honestly ;D ;D ;D ;D
Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.

Hearing all this, Raju's mother comes walking out of the kitchen
saying, "After all he is your son, he will be like you!", to which the robot
steps up and gives a resounding slap on Raju's mothers face."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on March 26, 2008, 02:22:22 PM

Quote from: gogannaka on March 26, 2008, 11:24:04 AM

LOL kar ka bari Husnaa ta ga wannan joke din  ;D


The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout “James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you’re sh*tting in bed!”

yIKES!! iTS SUCH A REAL SCENARIO ggnk!!  ;D ;D

I saw Muda's joke.. its jaded.. seen it many times so doesnt arouse my fire... best bit of it was turns green next to a better specimen.. ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on March 26, 2008, 02:54:14 PM

Goga, Hahahahaha.....hehehehehehe....ai ni ca nake zaa zo da wuka ne a cafke shege a yanka! Amma dai kam ya tsula kashin giya a gado! This is part of the life of drinks and drunks! ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on March 26, 2008, 03:07:13 PM

Quote from: HUSNAA on March 26, 2008, 02:22:22 PM

I saw Muda's joke.. its jaded.. seen it many times so doesnt arouse my fire... best bit of it was turns green next to a better specimen.. ;D ;D

Because you are a woman right? LOL

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ajingi on March 31, 2008, 03:52:51 PM

A flight from London to Kano develops faults in Nigerian airspace.
very worried the captain calls the Aminu Kano airport.
"Aminu kano airport this is captain smith reporting flight 007"
"Do you copy?"

Kano tower;- "yes Alhaji Smith we kofi"
British Airways "Flight 007 Reporting technical faults"

Kano tower;- "kai haba!"

British Airways; - "sorry tower couldnt get that"

Kano tower; - "okay phlight 00Seben kan you tune fawa in injin?"
British Airways; - "Negative power in engines dead"

Kano tower;- "Walahi?"

British Airways; - "Negative didnt copy"

Kano Tower;- "Kan you kom down to altitude twenty thousand pit?"

British Airways;- "negative tower, wings wont respond"

Kano tower;- "kai!"

British Airways;- "negative didnt copy that tower"

Kano Tower;- "okay d flane will kom down in som tym due to low injin fawa, ofun yo taya at altidute sis thousan fit, due 1st sebenty digri"

British Airways;- "Negative, cant activate the landing gear"

Kano tower;- 'wayyo!'
British Airways;- "awaiting order, flight 007"
Kano Towers;- "okay refit apfta me"

British Airways;- "okay what?"
Kano Tower;- "ASHADU ANLA ILAHA ILLALAHU, WA ASHADU ANNA
MUHAMMADAN RASULULLAHI!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on March 31, 2008, 04:09:01 PM

  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D
muhahahahahahahahahaha
Allah ya kiyaye Angon 2nd quarter
of the year.

This is one of the best joke in 2008.

Ina fatan akwai dan kwarya kwaryar
walima ranan auren? because i have
to crack this joke on that day.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on April 14, 2008, 01:22:47 PM

Unanswered questions.
http://www.spongefish.com/creations/5472-Questions-I-have-never-been-able-to-answer/steps/1 (http://www.spongefish.com/creations/5472-Questions-I-have-never-been-able-to-answer/steps/1)

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on April 14, 2008, 05:11:24 PM

Interesting page. GGNK

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on April 15, 2008, 10:34:46 AM

Quote from: ajingi on March 31, 2008, 03:52:51 PM

A flight from London to Kano develops faults in Nigerian airspace.
very worried the captain calls the Aminu Kano airport.
"Aminu kano airport this is captain smith reporting flight 007"
"Do you copy?"

Kano tower;- "yes Alhaji Smith we kofi"
British Airways "Flight 007 Reporting technical faults"

Kano tower;- "kai haba!"

British Airways; - "sorry tower couldnt get that"

Kano tower; - "okay phlight 00Seben kan you tune fawa in injin?"
British Airways; - "Negative power in engines dead"

Kano tower;- "Walahi?"

British Airways; - "Negative didnt copy"

Kano Tower;- "Kan you kom down to altitude twenty thousand pit?"

British Airways;- "negative tower, wings wont respond"

Kano tower;- "kai!"

British Airways;- "negative didnt copy that tower"

Kano Tower;- "okay d flane will kom down in som tym due to low injin fawa, ofun yo taya at altidute sis thousan fit, due 1st sebenty digri"

British Airways;- "Negative, cant activate the landing gear"

Kano tower;- 'wayyo!'
British Airways;- "awaiting order, flight 007"
Kano Towers;- "okay refit apfta me"

British Airways;- "okay what?"
Kano Tower;- "ASHADU ANLA ILAHA ILLALAHU, WA ASHADU ANNA
MUHAMMADAN RASULULLAHI!

 ;D ;D Surely a candidate for Joke of the year on this thread

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on April 15, 2008, 01:14:05 PM

Quote from: ajingi on March 31, 2008, 03:52:51 PM

A flight from London to Kano develops faults in Nigerian airspace.
very worried the captain calls the Aminu Kano airport.
"Aminu kano airport this is captain smith reporting flight 007"
"Do you copy?"

Kano tower;- "yes Alhaji Smith we kofi"
British Airways "Flight 007 Reporting technical faults"

Kano tower;- "kai haba!"

British Airways; - "sorry tower couldnt get that"

Kano tower; - "okay phlight 00Seben kan you tune fawa in injin?"
British Airways; - "Negative power in engines dead"

Kano tower;- "Walahi?"

British Airways; - "Negative didnt copy"

Kano Tower;- "Kan you kom down to altitude twenty thousand pit?"

British Airways;- "negative tower, wings wont respond"

Kano tower;- "kai!"

British Airways;- "negative didnt copy that tower"

Kano Tower;- "okay d flane will kom down in som tym due to low injin fawa, ofun yo taya at altidute sis thousan fit, due 1st sebenty digri"

British Airways;- "Negative, cant activate the landing gear"

Kano tower;- 'wayyo!'
British Airways;- "awaiting order, flight 007"
Kano Towers;- "okay refit apfta me"

British Airways;- "okay what?"
Kano Tower;- "ASHADU ANLA ILAHA ILLALAHU, WA ASHADU ANNA
MUHAMMADAN RASULULLAHI!

Quote from: Dan-Borno on March 31, 2008, 04:09:01 PM

  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D
muhahahahahahahahahaha
Allah ya kiyaye Angon 2nd quarter
of the year.

This is one of the best joke in 2008.

Sorry to disappoint you ajingi and DB, but honestly,
this joke is like six years old, i cant believe you just know it today.
All the same it was one of my best then.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on April 26, 2008, 03:05:56 PM

Here's a good one i heard from my brother.
Ko ina suke jiyo irin wadannan labaran?



Wani mutum ne da babur din shi babu fitila da daddare sai
ya sami torch light (cocilan) ya rike da baki yana haska hanya.
Can yaya akayi dai sai aka daku, babur da mota har ta kai dai
dan babur ya suma.Babur yayi gefe daya, chocilan gefe daya,
mutumin ma gefe daya.
Mutane suka kawo agaji aka matsar da mutumin ana masa firfita.
Mutumin yana farfadowa sai ya ji babu cocilan a bakin shi, ai sai
ya kidime kira yake cocilan cocilan yana nuna bakin shi.

Ya dauka ya hadiye cocilan din ne.


NB cocilan din irin Tiger dinnan ce mai katon kai.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on April 27, 2008, 09:22:11 PM

muhahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha
kai Allah ya bar mana kanoonline.  infact this story
has seriously help in reducing the election stress.

Shege, in ya hadiya tocilan zai iya magana ne? hahaha

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on April 28, 2008, 09:56:35 AM

Lol...ah toh!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on April 29, 2008, 12:05:00 PM

There were four brilliant Medical students in their final year. They did so well on all their C.A, Tests and labs experiments, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the final exam approaching on Monday that the weekend before, they decided to go 'down town' (know warra mean? ;D) and party with some friends there.

They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to school until late Monday morning - the morning of their final exam, when the exam was well underway!

Rather than taking the final paper for the remaining few minutes then, they decided to find their professor, who happen to be their faculty's Exam Officer, after the exam and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to town to do some research in the state library archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now!

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could have a make-up final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms/classes and handed each of them an exam booklet. He stated that the exam is to be 100 marks, and told them to begin.

Question 1 was for five marks. It was something simple about Human Anatomy. Cool, they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy."

Each finished the first question sharp-sharp and then turned the page…

Question 2 for 95 marks: Which tyre?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on April 29, 2008, 01:57:45 PM

Ha ha wicked proffessor, haba does he have to go that far? The will all end up giving different answer...lol!

A family in Nigeria was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the USA, sent by their sister. The tiny corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that their mother's face was practically touching the glass cover.

When they opened the coffin, they found a letter from their sister pinned to their mother's chest, which read:-

Dearest brothers and sistersI am sending you our mother's remains for burial in Lagos . Sorry I couldn't come along as the expenses were so high. You will find inside the coffin, under Mama's body, 12 cans of Libby's corned beef and12 cans of Luncheon meat, just divide them amongst yourselves.

On Mama's feet is a brand-new pair of Reeboks (size 8 ) for Junior.

There are four pairs of Reeboks under Mama's head for Tunde's sons.

Mama is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts - one is for OMO, Roy and the rest are for my nephews. Mama is also wearing one dozen Wonder Bras (your favorite), just share them among yourselves.

The 2 dozen Victoria 's Secret panties that Mama is wearing should be distributed among my nieces and cousins. Mama is also wearing eight Dockers pants - Ikeje, please get one for yourself and the rest are for the boys. The Swiss watch you asked for is on Mama's left wrist, please get it. Aunty Ronke, Mama is wearing what you asked for - earrings, rings and a necklace; please take them also, the six pairs of Channel stockings that Mama is wearing must be divided among the teenage girls there. I hope they like the colours.

Please take care of finding a nice dress for Mama for her burial. (You may go to Orile or Yaba.)

Incase you need anything that I may have forgotten, please let me know as UNCLE IS NOT FEELING TOO WELL.  Your loving sister,

Nene

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on April 29, 2008, 02:04:26 PM

Another one again...

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once." We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems." The American said, talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems. The Indian fainted...  

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on May 01, 2008, 08:52:31 AM

Wow, this is crazy

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on May 02, 2008, 12:31:48 PM

THE NIGERIAN BUSINESSMAN
 
A Nigerian Igbo business tycoon was at a social gathering where other business monguls
and wealthy men were present.

The businessman looked for all ways to oppress the other rich men who
were present at the gathering. Just for that foolish reason, he sent for
his driver and had this conversation with him:

"Driver, go to my house, not the green one, the red one. Not the red one in
Ikoyi, the red one in Victoria Island. Not the one in Adeola Odeku, the one
on Etim Iyang Crescent. Not No. 22, but No. 11.

It is a black gate you will see, fling it open.

You will see a green Honda Civic. Perpendicularly, adjacently opposite to
the Civic is a blue Toyota Carina E. It is not that one. Trigonometrically,
geometrically, hypotenously 90 degrees to a Peugeout 306 is a Mazda 929.

It is not that one.

The Mazda is very close to a regular Benz, the regular Benz is behind a
406, the 406 is beside Volvo S40, which is in front of a Honda Accord
blocking a Toyota RAV4, opposite a Honda CRV. That makes a crescent to the
Prado Jeep.

On getting to the Prado Jeep, make a diagonal sharp turn to the left
extreme right top corner, on your way to where I parked the M-Class, very
close to the E-Class, in front of the Beast at the back of the swimming pool
is a lovely S. Type Jaguar.

Don't touch the bonnet. Go to the boot, fling it open.

You will see red, white and blue briefcases. The red one contains dollars,
10 million dollars. Don't touch it. The blue contains pounds, 8 million
pounds. Don't touch it. The white one contains Naira, 500s, 200s, 100s,
50s, 20s, 10s denominations. I arranged them in hierarchical order.
500 Naira in first layer, 200 Naira in second, 100 Naira 3rd layer, 50
Naira 4th layer, 20 Naira 5th and 10 Naira top floor.

Take one 10 Naira. Go and use it to buy pure water, and don't forget to
bring my change!! >:(

 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on May 02, 2008, 02:48:48 PM

Ha ha...very funny joke, i heard it a long time too, i really use to laff at it so much...Allah ya kauya lol!

Check this out...i call it Reverend Chris Okotie's English Lecture...crazzie...lol!

NORMAL PERSON: People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
Chris Okotie : Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.

NORMAL PERSON : Twinkle, twinkle, little star
Chris Okotie : Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.


NORMAL PERSON : All that glitters is not gold.
Chris Okotie : All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

NORMAL PERSON : Beggars are not choosers
Chris Okotie : Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

NORMAL PERSON : Dead men tell no tales
Chris Okotie : Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

NORMAL PERSON : Beginner's luck
Chris Okotie : Neophyte's serendipity.

NORMAL PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss
Chris Okotie : A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.

NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together
Chris Okotie : Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.

NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep
Chris Okotie : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

NORMAL PERSON : Cleanliness is godliness
Chris Okotie : Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

NORMAL PERSON : There's no use crying over spilt milk
Chris Okotie : It is fruitless to become lach

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on May 14, 2008, 02:13:31 AM

Quote from: *~MuDa~* on May 02, 2008, 02:48:48 PM

NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together
Chris Okotie : Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.

NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep
Chris Okotie : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

LOL...Nice one.


A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on May 15, 2008, 05:45:21 PM

That one quite clever GGNK...kai lawyers!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on June 05, 2008, 10:49:47 AM

A joke about two adjacent Scottish towns - Cumnock and Auchinleck-  who have many years of intense rivalry but you can use any two towns anywhere for the same joke.

Small Cumnock man  " Auchinleck - its only good for football players and whores"
Very large man  " Oi! My sister lives in Auchinleck"
Small Cumnock man  " Really? What position does she play?"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on June 05, 2008, 06:27:32 PM

oh Dave! u are really the limit.. that was meant as a double entendre wasnt it? ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on June 06, 2008, 01:13:37 AM

Could be!
My favourite double entendre
A man went into a bar and asked the barmaid for a double entendre so she gave him one.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on June 08, 2008, 09:38:38 PM

I don't get any of the jokes  ??? ???

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on June 09, 2008, 05:19:47 AM

Quote from: gogannaka on June 08, 2008, 09:38:38 PM

I don't get any of the jokes  ??? ???

Never mind GGNK the jokes wont enrich yr life believe me. They are what u can call useless knowledge..

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on June 11, 2008, 07:40:03 AM

Wani Ustaz ne mai gemu mai yawa yayi aure.
Rannan ya kusanci matar sai ta ce sam,a'a. 'Yau idan ba aske gemun
nan ka yi ba,to ga kujera can a palo sai dai ka kwana a can,kuma an
daina'. Akaramakallahu dai yayi yayi amma inaaa,tace wallahi sam.
Can dai sai ya tafi palon,yayi zuciya. Can dai abin ya ciwo shi sai ya
dauko clipper ya yanke gemun gaba daya,fuska tayi luwai luwai. Ya je
yace ya aske.Sannan ta yarda ya hsigo dakin.

Da safe mutane suka ga akaramakallahu babu gemu sai aka fara tambaya
'akaramakallahu yaya ina gemun kuma?'
Sai ya ce 'ai wata sunnar ce ta danne wata sunnar'

LOL,kai Allah ya kare.E no easy wo!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on June 11, 2008, 11:03:05 AM

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
kline late edition

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on June 27, 2008, 04:51:59 PM

Dear John.
I want a man who knows what love is all about.
You are generous, kind, thoughtful.
People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men.
I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we are apart.
I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?

Gloria

Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is.
All about you are generous kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you.
Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me.
For other men I yearn.
For you, I have no feelings whatsoever.
When we are apart, I can be forever happy.
Will you let me be?
Yours
Gloria

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Muhsin on June 27, 2008, 05:00:26 PM

LOL...Aunty! Thats whats called tit for tat. (am I correct? ???)

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: EMTL on June 28, 2008, 09:22:48 PM

Quote from: gogannaka on June 11, 2008, 07:40:03 AM

Wani Ustaz ne mai gemu mai yawa yayi aure.
Rannan ya kusanci matar sai ta ce sam,a'a. 'Yau idan ba aske gemun
nan ka yi ba,to ga kujera can a palo sai dai ka kwana a can,kuma an
daina'.

Assalamu alaikum,
Wannan mutum yaauro Matsala-watakila dama kyaunta kawai ya rudeshi bai kula ba ko ta damu da addini.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on June 30, 2008, 08:29:18 PM

Another joke about the Irish!

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on June 30, 2008, 09:20:28 PM

lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on July 05, 2008, 09:05:17 PM

Quote from: HUSNAA on June 27, 2008, 04:51:59 PM

Dear John.
I want a man who knows what love is all about.
You are generous, kind, thoughtful.
People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men.
I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we are apart.
I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?

Gloria

Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is.
All about you are generous kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you.
Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me.
For other men I yearn.
For you, I have no feelings whatsoever.
When we are apart, I can be forever happy.
Will you let me be?
Yours
Gloria

This gloria woman.
What is she writing?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on July 06, 2008, 06:16:13 AM

Just a play on words that is all. Notice that all the words are in the same position in both two letters. By putting the commas and fullstops in strategic places, the same words convey two different messages.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on July 25, 2008, 08:38:42 PM

New Brides Diary!

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's
fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe
said, "Beat 12 eggs separately ". Well, I didn't have enough bowls to
do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve
without dressing". So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night.
They both looked so startled when
I served them. I think it was the salad.

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe, which said, " Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice".
So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kind of silly in the
middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday: Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It
said, prepare ingredients, and then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour
before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I
got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over
there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over
and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at
work; I'll try and be supportive.

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all
ingredients in a bowl and beat it". Beat it I did, to my mum's place.
There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I
came back home again; it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He
asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress
for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll
dress and its little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really
cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was
really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to
dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting
out "Why me? Why me?"

It has to be his job!!!!!.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on July 27, 2008, 06:40:18 PM

I'm sure this guy married a blonde woman  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on July 27, 2008, 09:25:23 PM

LOL maybe,ko kuma ba'ariya.

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the heck have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on July 30, 2008, 11:39:29 AM

Visiting  a college campus, a prospective student spots a building called Hemingway Hall.
"That's nice," he says, "a building named after Ernest Hemingway."
"Actually," says the tour guide, "its named after Joshua Hemingway."
"Was he a writer?" the student asks
"Yes. He wrote a big cheque."  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on July 30, 2008, 11:40:49 AM

Quote from: Muhsin on June 27, 2008, 05:00:26 PM

LOL...Aunty! Thats whats called tit for tat. (am I correct? ???)

No.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on July 30, 2008, 11:53:58 AM

Quote from: Dave_McEwan_Hill on June 30, 2008, 08:29:18 PM

Another joke about the Irish!

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

Lol...Daaaave!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on July 30, 2008, 12:06:07 PM

Quote from: HUSNAA on July 27, 2008, 06:40:18 PM

I'm sure this guy married a blonde woman  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Its like we had the same thoughts there!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on July 31, 2008, 01:17:47 PM

MANAGEMENT
 
 
 
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
 

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
 
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
 
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
 
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
 

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
 
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
 
 
 
Regards, The Management

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on July 31, 2008, 02:21:35 PM

LOL,LOL,LOL

I love the toilet part.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on July 31, 2008, 02:50:34 PM

This is very crazy joke, i couldnt help laughing, its a nice old one though, keep it up Dave!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Rais on August 01, 2008, 12:26:01 PM

Six years gal hit her eye she said" i'm patient now.
Mummy !! do you know what Im fellin to eat ?
1.TEA
2.STEW
3.AND BREAD"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on August 01, 2008, 05:54:50 PM

Quote from: Rais on August 01, 2008, 12:26:01 PM

Six years gal hit her eye she said" i'm patient now.
Mummy !! do you know what Im fellin to eat ?
1.TEA
2.STEW
3.AND BREAD"

Ayi mana fassara,ra'isul kanoonline.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on August 01, 2008, 07:14:09 PM

Quote from: gogannaka on August 01, 2008, 05:54:50 PM

Quote from: Rais on August 01, 2008, 12:26:01 PM

Six years gal hit her eye she said" i'm patient now.
Mummy !! do you know what Im fellin to eat ?
1.TEA
2.STEW
3.AND BREAD"

Ayi mana fassara,ra'isul kanoonline.

Ni ma dai from where I am viewing it the joke looks meaningless

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on August 11, 2008, 03:29:48 PM

A man comes back 2 his car & found a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'

Observer: Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Observer  - If only the winner will get the cup, why are the others running?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on August 13, 2008, 11:51:13 AM

Very funny GNK, especially the Parking Fine one, someone just sent me these a while ago.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"  

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on August 15, 2008, 06:13:24 PM

LOL,Wicked.
Nice one Muda.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on August 16, 2008, 01:18:26 PM

There's this drunk out for a walk. He comes to a river and sees another drunk on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' he shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second drunk looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,

'You ARE on the other side.'

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on August 16, 2008, 01:47:28 PM

Quote from: gogannaka on August 16, 2008, 01:18:26 PM

There's this drunk out for a walk. He comes to a river and sees another drunk on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' he shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second drunk looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,

'You ARE on the other side.'

Lol that's a good one GGNK! ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on August 17, 2008, 05:14:12 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVIxF2v9lbo&feature=related

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on August 18, 2008, 12:34:17 AM

BITCH!

1st woman  " Hello, honey. I nearly didn't recognise you. You've put on so much weight".
2nd woman  " Well, it's been nearly twelve years - but I recognised your dress!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on August 18, 2008, 09:53:57 AM

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on August 18, 2008, 10:15:58 AM

lol he must be really ug.. then ko?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on August 20, 2008, 08:37:55 AM

Wani labari naji a taskar labarai na gidan rediyon kano.
Wai there's this place in lagos where weed is sold and
people including police and military officers purchase
their weed there.
One day one captain went to buy his own regular. When
he smoked it he realised it wasn't strong.On observation
he realised that the 'alaye' boy sold him bitter leaf(shuwaka)
LOL....so he tried to catch the boy but he couldn't.The next
day soldiers were sent in their troops brandishing sophisticated
weapons and the market was cleared. Movement is prohibited
in the entire area now and anyone caught trespassing was given
9 lashes and like 30 mins frog-jump.

LOL,Bitter leaf i wonder how it tatses if smoked. :D :D :D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on August 21, 2008, 11:22:17 AM

Hahaha thats gud for them, very funny indeed, bitter leaf! kai, am sure the captain had a very nasty coughing session with bulging red eyes...lol!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on August 21, 2008, 01:05:44 PM

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors downa highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little oldlady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefullymunches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on hisshoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.   
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asksthe little old lady, ' why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on August 21, 2008, 02:01:07 PM

LOL.
Ya sha saliva.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on August 21, 2008, 02:23:52 PM

lol. ya sha miyau inji yan Jigawa

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on August 24, 2008, 01:11:37 AM

The Perils of Senility

An old couple invited another old couple round for a meal.
After the meal the two wives went through to the kitchen to wash the dishes etc.
The two old men were sitting talking.
"That was a lovely meal you put out for us" said the first.
" Thanks" said the other "My wife is a good cook.  We had a lovely meal last week in a restaurant in town."
" Oh" said the second  "If you recommend it so much maybe we'll go there for a meal. What was the name of the restaurant?"
" Damn it" replied the first man " Can't remember its name. I'm getting a very poor memory in my old age..... What do you call that flower with the read velvety petals, green stem and thorns?"
" Rose?" replied the second.
First man calls through to his wife  " Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to last week?"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on August 26, 2008, 12:15:27 AM

A sick joke

A cruise liner sank and there were three survivers - two guys and a girl - who were washed up on a desert island.
After a while they started doing what it is natural for guys and girls to do.
However the girl began to feel guilty about having casual sex with two different men and she became very depressed and commited suicide
The two guys helped each other through the difficult time and eventuallythey began to do things that men sometimes do in this kind of difficult circumstance.
But then after a couple of years they begans to feel guilty about what they were doing also
....so they buried her

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on August 26, 2008, 05:37:37 AM

Ugh.......what puke!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on August 28, 2008, 02:42:10 AM

Ohh!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on August 28, 2008, 10:33:13 AM

I don't get it.
They were eating dead meat?
eew

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on August 29, 2008, 10:24:49 AM

Not with their mouth but ..........

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on September 15, 2008, 09:02:33 AM

A young Jamaican father-to-be awakened the village doctor in the middle of the night saying "Doc! Doc! Come fas nuh! Is muh wife man! She water dun brek man! She bout to born de chile!" The doctor came over and told the father "Hold de lamp higher! Hold de lamp higher nuh!" The father obliged, and behold, a baby's cry was soon heard. The father cried out: "Praise de Lard! A boy! I's de proud fadduh of A baby boy!"

The doctor again told the father, "Hold de lamp higher! Hold de lamp highernuh man!". The father again complied, and to be sure, another cry was heard.The father excitedly proclaimed: "Is twins!! I got twins! I's doubly blessed! Glory be to God!"

The doctor instructed, "Hold de lamp higher! Hold de lamp higher nuh!" Sure enough, a THIRD cry was heard! The father, somewhat subdued, in a nervous tone, muttered, "Oh. Thank ya Jesus."

The doctor repeated, "Hold de lamp higher!. Hold de lamp higher nuh man!", and a short while yet a FOURTH cry was heard. The father said nothing, being lost in deep thought.

The doctor for a fifth time commanded "Hold de lamp higher man! Hold the lamp higher nuh!"
The father then asked; "Doc, yuh tink maybe is de light dat attractin' dem?"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on September 15, 2008, 09:22:45 AM

 ;D  ;D   ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Tukurtukur on September 18, 2008, 06:23:17 PM

Bauchi economics           -  you sell masa and invest the proceeds in wild life rearing.
Kano economics             -   you sell everything and invest the proceeds in everything.
Barno economics            -   you sell burabusco and invest the proceeds in  cap making.
Yola economics              -   you sell cattle and invest the proceeds in abiti.
Niger economics             -   you sell pots and invest in power.
Jigawa economics           -   you sell harawa and invest in ICT turaks.
Kaduan economics          -    you sell acha and invest in  pan.
Plateau economics          -    you sell tin and invest in biscuits.
Katsina economics           -    you dig wells and invest in fura.
Sokoto economics            -    you sell cement and invest in cow milk.
Taraba economics            -    you sell fish and invest in air.
Kebbi economics               -    you sell tourism and invest in fishing.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on September 19, 2008, 05:33:23 PM

Stock Market


Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for £10.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at £10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at £20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to £25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at £35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for £50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!

Welcome to the "Stock" Market!!!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on September 19, 2008, 09:14:00 PM

LOL..419

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on September 22, 2008, 03:50:01 AM

Quote from: gogannaka on September 15, 2008, 09:02:33 AM

A young Jamaican father-to-be awakened the village doctor in the middle of the night saying "Doc! Doc! Come fas nuh! Is muh wife man! She water dun brek man! She bout to born de chile!" The doctor came over and told the father "Hold de lamp higher! Hold de lamp higher nuh!" The father obliged, and behold, a baby's cry was soon heard. The father cried out: "Praise de Lard! A boy! I's de proud fadduh of A baby boy!"

The doctor again told the father, "Hold de lamp higher! Hold de lamp highernuh man!". The father again complied, and to be sure, another cry was heard.The father excitedly proclaimed: "Is twins!! I got twins! I's doubly blessed! Glory be to God!"

The doctor instructed, "Hold de lamp higher! Hold de lamp higher nuh!" Sure enough, a THIRD cry was heard! The father, somewhat subdued, in a nervous tone, muttered, "Oh. Thank ya Jesus."

The doctor repeated, "Hold de lamp higher!. Hold de lamp higher nuh man!", and a short while yet a FOURTH cry was heard. The father said nothing, being lost in deep thought.

The doctor for a fifth time commanded "Hold de lamp higher man! Hold the lamp higher nuh!"
The father then asked; "Doc, yuh tink maybe is de light dat attractin' dem?"

I cant help laughing at this joke. So he has finish given birth kenan?

Quote from: Bakan~Gizo on September 19, 2008, 05:33:23 PM

Stock Market


Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for £10.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at £10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at £20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to £25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at £35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for £50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!

Welcome to the "Stock" Market!!!!!

Double moneykeys

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on October 09, 2008, 07:21:48 PM

Mutua left to go help in the Crusades and
decided that his wife Mueni should wear a chastity
belt (steel underwear). So he locks her up and
gives the key to his best friend, Mogaka.  He
tells him,  "If I'm not back in four years, unlock
my wife and set her free to live a normal life."
So, Mutua leaves on horseback and about a half hour
later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits
for it to come closer and sees Mogaka..
"What's wrong?"  He asks.  Mogaka replies.
"You gave me the wrong key!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on October 09, 2008, 07:24:40 PM

One young man went for an IAS Interview.
"When did India get independence?" He was asked.
"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.
"Who was responsible for our independence?"
"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another." He replied.
"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"
"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied.
The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.
When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.
Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him." By the way, what is your date of birth?"
He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."
Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?"
He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one, it will be injustice to another".
The interviewer was incensed.
"Hey! Are you mad or what?"
He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on October 09, 2008, 07:27:52 PM

Quote from: Dan-Borno on October 09, 2008, 07:21:48 PM

Mutua left to go help in the Crusades and
decided that his wife Mueni should wear a chastity
belt (steel underwear). So he locks her up and
gives the key to his best friend, Mogaka.  He
tells him,  "If I'm not back in four years, unlock
my wife and set her free to live a normal life."
So, Mutua leaves on horseback and about a half hour
later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits
for it to come closer and sees Mogaka..
"What's wrong?"  He asks.  Mogaka replies.
"You gave me the wrong key!"

Lol so has tried it?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Jibo on October 10, 2008, 12:05:58 PM

A man was constantly harassed by his wife for staying outside late at night. He usually gave excuses and the wife would let go of he complaint. One day, te man stayed very very late. So, he walked slowly into the bedroom, being very careful not to wake up the wife. He started removing his Coat, shirt nad trousers. Suddenly, he heard, 'where is your underwear?', his wif shouted! 'I was robbed', he replied to the angry wife who had ben observing his actions ince he entred the bedroom!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on October 11, 2008, 12:16:02 PM

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 12, 2008, 06:10:44 AM

Quote from: Jibo on October 10, 2008, 12:05:58 PM

A man was constantly harassed by his wife for staying outside late at night. He usually gave excuses and the wife would let go of he complaint. One day, te man stayed very very late. So, he walked slowly into the bedroom, being very careful not to wake up the wife. He started removing his Coat, shirt nad trousers. Suddenly, he heard, 'where is your underwear?', his wif shouted! 'I was robbed', he replied to the angry wife who had ben observing his actions ince he entred the bedroom!

(http://www.vocinelweb.it/faccine/fattedanoi/donia/02.gif)(http://avalonsoftware.org/foro/images/smiles/mano1.gif)

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Nuruddeen on October 12, 2008, 05:01:07 PM

Quote from: HUSNAA on October 12, 2008, 06:10:44 AM

Quote from: Jibo on October 10, 2008, 12:05:58 PM

A man was constantly harassed by his wife for staying outside late at night. He usually gave excuses and the wife would let go of he complaint. One day, te man stayed very very late. So, he walked slowly into the bedroom, being very careful not to wake up the wife. He started removing his Coat, shirt nad trousers. Suddenly, he heard, 'where is your underwear?', his wif shouted! 'I was robbed', he replied to the angry wife who had ben observing his actions ince he entred the bedroom!

(http://www.vocinelweb.it/faccine/fattedanoi/donia/02.gif)(http://avalonsoftware.org/foro/images/smiles/mano1.gif)

WHAT DO U MEAN BY THIS HUSNAA?LOL!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Jibo on October 12, 2008, 05:39:31 PM

Quote from: HUSNAA on October 12, 2008, 06:10:44 AM

(http://www.vocinelweb.it/faccine/fattedanoi/donia/02.gif)(http://avalonsoftware.org/foro/images/smiles/mano1.gif)

Thumb Down?!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 12, 2008, 07:42:13 PM

Quote from: Nuruddeen on October 12, 2008, 05:01:07 PM

Quote from: HUSNAA on October 12, 2008, 06:10:44 AM

Quote from: Jibo on October 10, 2008, 12:05:58 PM

A man was constantly harassed by his wife for staying outside late at night. He usually gave excuses and the wife would let go of he complaint. One day, te man stayed very very late. So, he walked slowly into the bedroom, being very careful not to wake up the wife. He started removing his Coat, shirt nad trousers. Suddenly, he heard, 'where is your underwear?', his wif shouted! 'I was robbed', he replied to the angry wife who had ben observing his actions ince he entred the bedroom!

(http://www.vocinelweb.it/faccine/fattedanoi/donia/02.gif)(http://avalonsoftware.org/foro/images/smiles/mano1.gif)

WHAT DO U MEAN BY THIS HUSNAA?LOL!

Lol I think it is a copyright protest from the author, or from BKG!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Jibo on October 12, 2008, 10:40:00 PM

Husnaa! There is no copy right breach here! I visited the French Website or can I say spanish! But this is a story from... laughter! Para-phrased?! ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 13, 2008, 05:24:10 AM

Quote from: Jibo on October 12, 2008, 10:40:00 PM

Husnaa! There is no copy right breach here! I visited the French Website or can I say spanish! But this is a story from... laughter! Para-phrased?! ;D ;D ;D

I'm not talking about you! I'm talking about me.. the thumbs down sign; there were two of them. The author of the second took objection I think. One has to quote the source of the smileys or some such rubbish. It makes it really uncool though to do that.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Jibo on October 14, 2008, 10:57:39 AM

Take a vow and smile! :) :) :) :) A man wins a lottery, after being released from gaol!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Tukurtukur on October 14, 2008, 01:51:22 PM

mallam jibo.  how did it happen?  tell me, yaushe ya yanki katin lottery? nasan dai ba acikin frusina bane. Did he laugh or he made you laugh?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 14, 2008, 02:00:50 PM

Quote from: Tukurtukur on October 14, 2008, 01:51:22 PM

mallam jibo.  how did it happen?  tell me, yaushe ya yanki katin lottery? nasan dai ba acikin frusina bane. Did he laugh or he made you laugh?

Kai TKTK Jibo karin magana yake yi da turanci (I think). It sounds that way at anyrate, i.e. a literal translation from Hausa to English. Saidai Mallam Jay Ka fada mana karin maganar ta Hausar mana...

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 14, 2008, 02:04:01 PM

A very surprised husband unwrapped a very large birthday present from his wife and found a rocket.
"Darling what's it for?" He asked.
"You've always wanted more space, now get lost!" she replied ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Tukurtukur on October 14, 2008, 02:14:01 PM

HUSNAA na gaishe ki!  Kinsan wannan 'baba na daka, gemu na waje'?
That is why the Hausa man created this wise saying ' gida biyu maganin gobara'.  she must be troublesome wife.  in da nine, i will just vamous with the jet to the next gida.  she will not see me untill she sends you on a space ship to plead on her behalf. ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Jibo on October 15, 2008, 01:13:30 PM

A child of about 18 wanted to marry because of his deep relationship with a girl at the neighbourhood. He went and narrated his mind to his father and the father responded by denying on the request of the child to get married and insisted that 'yaro ko muryarsa bata fashe ba amma kace zaka yi aure?' After two weeks the boy went to the father and greeted him with a hoarse voice ' Baba ina kwana?', the father asked astonishly, what happened to your voice?' The boy responded quickly, I just woke up this morning and heard my voice bursting, (da safen nan ne naji muryata tace 'bot' ta fashe!)! The boy is ready for marriage. ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on October 15, 2008, 01:17:51 PM

Bot! lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on October 16, 2008, 09:31:48 PM

Given the current global financial climate, it is necessary to redefine
> some terms
>
> CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
>
> CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
>
> BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
> mistake himself for a financial genius.
>
> BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
> allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
>
> VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
>
> P/ E RATI O -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants
> as the market keeps crashing.
>
> BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
>
> STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
>
> STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
>
> STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
> assets equally between themselves.
>
> FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
>
> MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
>
> CASH F LOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears
> down the toilet.
>
> YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
> for $240 per share.
>
> WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who
> bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
>
> INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked
> up in a nuthouse.
>
> PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Jibo on October 18, 2008, 05:21:03 AM

Mhmmmmmm! Ya kamata a canzawa naira suna! ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 18, 2008, 08:37:01 AM

 STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. (lol!)
 



 
 MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. (watau the value gets dragged by gravity - downward ;D ;D)
 


 very funny DB!
 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on October 18, 2008, 05:56:14 PM

 YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
 for $240 per share.
 
 WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who
 bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.


LOL.....perfect combination.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on October 29, 2008, 02:25:39 PM

A groom's vote of thanks after his wedding.


"**I want to first of all thank The Almighty for creating my wife. I also want to thank the pastor and his wife for lending us their wedding ring.

**Special appreciation to my lanlord who borrowed us his car.

**Iam most grateful to my boss for approving the loan I used for my wedding suit.

**Big thanks to the Committee of Friends for the appeal fund they raised on my behalf.

**To my brother's wife, thank you for lending us your wedding gown.

**Iam so grateful to the cake designer for the Cake. I promised to return it tommorrow morning, as agreed, without cutting  or eating out of it.

**Special thanks to my friends who brought food from their homes to help me feed you all. Please for those who were served food, good luck. For those who didn't get any, well, we promise to make it up to you during our child naming cermony (hopefully next year).

** Very big thanks to my parents for bringing the village cultural band to entertain the guests.

**Not forgetting the Village Marriage Committee. Thank you for persuading my wife to marry me.

**Appreciation to the married men in the village for rushing me into this marriage.

**The women are not left out. Thanks for teaching my wife how to cook and dance.

**To the youths, thank you for sweeping and decorating this venue with palm fronds.

**A big gratitude to my childhood friends for helping with the Zobo drinks.

**Appreciation to to my co-tenants for contributing money for the camera man.

**Well, I wish you all safe journey and I pray you don't experience what I suffered for this wedding. Phew!!! :'(

Thank you, and God bless."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 30, 2008, 07:53:18 PM

Quote from: figorms on March 23, 2004, 11:36:52 PM

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie." including kanoonliners.

lol this one from figorms deserves to be here!  ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: MySeLf on October 30, 2008, 11:23:19 PM

Kai this thread is just too:-  http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk


                                             ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on October 31, 2008, 07:03:32 PM

Quote from: MySeLf on October 30, 2008, 11:23:19 PM

Kai this thread is just too:-  http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk


                                             ;D

Kai he's just too cute!! Watch this next to that one  http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=BQOds0kCgOk&feature=related

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on October 31, 2008, 10:13:33 PM

Dear Sir / Madam RE; REJECT REFUSAL Thank you for your letter dated 25th October, 2008. After careful consideration of the fact set out by the letter, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates you will agree with me that it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. It is only natural that I should decline some of them. Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my rejection criteria. I am able bodied, academically qualified and have an impressive work history.


Therefore I will start work with your company on Thursday 1st May 2009 at 8.00 am without fail. Remuneration shall be negotiated once I commence work. I look forward to seeing you then. Regards,

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Jibo on November 03, 2008, 10:45:22 AM

laugh! laugh! and cry! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :'( :'( :'(

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on November 03, 2008, 11:46:13 AM

hahahaha...
IBB that is one of the funniest pieces here...lol

Allah sarki,karfin hali....d guy don taya.
Kai............lool
rejection criteria.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on November 03, 2008, 04:11:41 PM

Quote from: IBB on October 31, 2008, 10:13:33 PM

Dear Sir / Madam RE; REJECT REFUSAL Thank you for your letter dated 25th October, 2008. After careful consideration of the fact set out by the letter, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates you will agree with me that it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. It is only natural that I should decline some of them. Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my rejection criteria. I am able bodied, academically qualified and have an impressive work history.


Therefore I will start work with your company on Thursday 1st May 2009 at 8.00 am without fail. Remuneration shall be negotiated once I commence work. I look forward to seeing you then. Regards,

Wannan shi ne kudan kwallon mangwaro. Ko da yake an yada shi amma duk da haka ba a huta ba!!! ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Muhsin on November 04, 2008, 01:16:50 PM

LOL ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on November 22, 2008, 12:57:01 AM

WIFE:
> What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
>
> HUSBAND:
>
> Definitely not!
>
> WIFE:
>
> Why not - don't you like being married?
>
> HUSBAND:
>
> Of course I do.
>
> WIFE:
>
> Then why wouldn't you remarry?
>
> HUSBAND:
>
> Okay, I'd get married again.
>
> WIFE:
>
> You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
>
> HUSBAND:
>
> (Makes audible groan).
>
> WIFE:
>
> Would you live in our house?
>
> HUSBAND:
>
> Sure, it's a great house.
>
> WIFE:
>
> Would you sleep with her in our bed?
>
> HUSBAND:
>
> Where else would we sleep?
>
> WIFE:
>
> Would you let her drive my car?
>
> HUSBAND:
>
> Probably, it is almost new.
>
> WIFE:
>
> Would you replace my pictures with hers?
>
> HUSBAND:
>
> That would seem like the proper thing to do.
>
> WIFE:
>
> Would she use my golf clubs?
>
> HUSBAND:
>
> No, she's left-handed.
>
> WIFE:
> - silence - -
>
> HUSBAND:
> Sh*t...........................

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on November 22, 2008, 01:09:27 AM

What a Jaw dropper

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on November 22, 2008, 07:49:56 PM

LOL..

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: mlbash on November 23, 2008, 09:21:20 PM

Hi,

A good laugh for lunch break!!!!

 

Late in 1994, an 87 year old great-grand father passed on in a village close to Amai, Kwale, Delta State.
 
The late man’s grandson by name Ufiaka (26 years old and fairly educated) was given some money and asked to travel to Agbor and buy a fine casket for his grand pa’s burial.
 
Ufiaka left base early and arrived Agbor in good time to purchase the casket and make the return journey same day.  He was fortunate to get an open back white coloured Peugeot 404 pickup heading for Amai.  He, however, had to ride in the back of the pickup with the casket because two market women travelling to Amai were already seated in front with the driver.
 
On the home journey, they ran into a heavy rain storm close to Urhonigbe and Ufiaka quickly opened the Casket, laid himself nicely in the well-padded interior, covered the lid and used the folded newspaper he had with him to leave a small opening between the lid and the main body of the white casket to ensure adequate ventilation.  The interior of the casket was very comfortable and Ufiaka fell into a very deep sleep.
 
The rain had subsided at the time the pickup van arrived at Umutu and during a brief stop there, two men travelling to Amai entered the vehicle at the back and the same happened at Obiaruku where a man and a woman travelling also to Amai entered the vehicle.  All this while, Ufiaka was enjoying his beauty sleep inside the Casket completely unaware of the new passengers who boarded at Umutu and Obiaruku.
 
The pickup van arrived Amai just after 5 p.m. and the driver, who was now very hungry, stopped in front of a busy bukataria to have a quick bite before proceeding to the next village. The sudden stoppage and revving of the pickup’s engine woke Ufiaka who then opened the lid of the Casket and rose up.
 
Trouble!  Trouble!!  Wahala!!!   Katakata!!!!
The passengers in the back of the pickup jumped out of the vehicle from various points and took to their heels in various directions.  The people eating in open type bukataria (including the mama-put and her service girls) who saw the white casket open and a ‘ghost’ stop out, ran off all over the place some with balls of eba and akpu in their hands.  Ufiaka, seeing people running ‘helter skelter’ was convinced that armed robbers were operating and decided to take-off in the direction three of the passengers, including the women, were running.
 
When the three passengers realised that Ufiaka was running towards them, they increased speed and shouted ghost, ghost and to further worsen the situation, Ufiaka was dressed in white up and down with white shoes to match that day.
 
With the shouting of ghost, other people in their homes came out to see what was going on and on seeing people running at high speed all over they joined in the race for dear life and the number just swelled.
 
The driver and the two market women were running too! When they saw people pointing to Ufiaka that he was the ghost they started laughing at their stupidity for not knowing what they were running from before they started running.
 
IF NA YOU SEE DE GHOST, WETIN YOU GO DO?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on November 23, 2008, 09:51:01 PM

LOL,
Nice one!
I remember seeing on ane comedy show 'the king of comedy' that blacks, when we see someone running,we don't ask why he's running,we just join and idan mu ka kai tudun mun tsira sai mu tambaya me ake gudar wa?

No be thier fault jare!....even me i go pick race make i no become scapegoat.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on November 26, 2008, 12:14:20 PM

//It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. //
//One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb). //
//The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. //
//Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. //
//A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. //
//There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. //
//Women blink twice as often as men. //
//The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. //
//Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. //
//If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. //

//Women reading this will be finished now. //
//Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.///*
/

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on November 26, 2008, 05:01:53 PM

LOL

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on December 02, 2008, 01:20:04 AM

The Federal Government were taking quotes from some road building around Abuja.
The panel had three contactors to interview
The first contractor, Mr Eze, was shown in and asked for his price
Three Million Naira he quoted.
The panel asked him how he came to the figure
"Well " he said "There's  one million for materials, one million for labour and one million profit for me."
"Okay" said the chairman of the panel " You can wait outside"
The second contractor, Mr Ogunwale, came in. He quotes six million naira.
"Two million for materials, two million for labour and two million for my company"
"Okay" says the chairman "You can wait outside as well."
In comes the third contractor, Alhaji Abdu.
He quotes nine million naira
"And how do you come to that figure?" asks the chairman of the panel.
"Well" says Abdu " It's three million for you guys, three million for me and we give the other three million to Mr Eze to do the work"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dante on December 02, 2008, 04:47:18 PM

LoL..  8)

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on December 04, 2008, 11:28:20 AM

Quote from: mlbash on November 23, 2008, 09:21:20 PM

Hi,

A good laugh for lunch break!!!!

 

Late in 1994, an 87 year old great-grand father passed on in a village close to Amai, Kwale, Delta State.
 
The late man’s grandson by name Ufiaka (26 years old and fairly educated) was given some money and asked to travel to Agbor and buy a fine casket for his grand pa’s burial.
 
Ufiaka left base early and arrived Agbor in good time to purchase the casket and make the return journey same day.  He was fortunate to get an open back white coloured Peugeot 404 pickup heading for Amai.  He, however, had to ride in the back of the pickup with the casket because two market women travelling to Amai were already seated in front with the driver.
 
On the home journey, they ran into a heavy rain storm close to Urhonigbe and Ufiaka quickly opened the Casket, laid himself nicely in the well-padded interior, covered the lid and used the folded newspaper he had with him to leave a small opening between the lid and the main body of the white casket to ensure adequate ventilation.  The interior of the casket was very comfortable and Ufiaka fell into a very deep sleep.
 
The rain had subsided at the time the pickup van arrived at Umutu and during a brief stop there, two men travelling to Amai entered the vehicle at the back and the same happened at Obiaruku where a man and a woman travelling also to Amai entered the vehicle.  All this while, Ufiaka was enjoying his beauty sleep inside the Casket completely unaware of the new passengers who boarded at Umutu and Obiaruku.
 
The pickup van arrived Amai just after 5 p.m. and the driver, who was now very hungry, stopped in front of a busy bukataria to have a quick bite before proceeding to the next village. The sudden stoppage and revving of the pickup’s engine woke Ufiaka who then opened the lid of the Casket and rose up.
 
Trouble!  Trouble!!  Wahala!!!   Katakata!!!!
The passengers in the back of the pickup jumped out of the vehicle from various points and took to their heels in various directions.  The people eating in open type bukataria (including the mama-put and her service girls) who saw the white casket open and a ‘ghost’ stop out, ran off all over the place some with balls of eba and akpu in their hands.  Ufiaka, seeing people running ‘helter skelter’ was convinced that armed robbers were operating and decided to take-off in the direction three of the passengers, including the women, were running.
 
When the three passengers realised that Ufiaka was running towards them, they increased speed and shouted ghost, ghost and to further worsen the situation, Ufiaka was dressed in white up and down with white shoes to match that day.
 
With the shouting of ghost, other people in their homes came out to see what was going on and on seeing people running at high speed all over they joined in the race for dear life and the number just swelled.
 
The driver and the two market women were running too! When they saw people pointing to Ufiaka that he was the ghost they started laughing at their stupidity for not knowing what they were running from before they started running.
 
IF NA YOU SEE DE GHOST, WETIN YOU GO DO?

LOL. This reminds me of a joke I heard about one of those Funeral Parlours that sale Caskets/Coffins. In a bid to attract more sales and customers, they are doing a bonanza, and placed an advert in front of the shop that says, "Beautiful Coffins; BUY TWO & GET ONE FREE"  ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on December 09, 2008, 08:11:56 PM

A couple are shopping together when the man picks up a crate of beer and sticks them into the trolley.
 
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife
 
"They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans" he says
 
"Put them back. We can't afford it." says the wife and they carry on shopping
 
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
 
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man
 
"It's my face cream. It makes me look a lot better" she says
 
The man replies... "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on December 10, 2008, 03:38:29 AM

LOL

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Muhsin on December 10, 2008, 02:38:07 PM

LOL Dave. :)

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ajingi on December 11, 2008, 11:43:16 AM

Marriage Software

This is what a guy wrote to our systems analyst
(Marriage Software Division):

Dear Systems Analyst,

I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend
7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.

I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0", but uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?

... AND THIS IS WHAT OUR ANALYST SAID:

Dear Customer,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0  but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).

Having Wife 1..0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the......... C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.

It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\ KISSES 600.0" or "TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 1000.0" or even Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if Child processing has already started).

DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1 " (Short Skirt Version)
or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.

BEST WISHES! and if everything fails, contact software maker- tech support and pray to ALLAH for solutions to all your wife.1 software problem.

Yours, Systems Analyst..

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on December 14, 2008, 11:48:10 PM

I know this joke is suppose to be funny. I wonder where u have been hiding all those years when this joke was circulating in our mobile phones.

C'mon make me laugh!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on December 15, 2008, 05:11:34 AM

that joke is so so stale it is full of fungus.. Its been around for years as IBB pointed out.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 20, 2008, 07:34:34 PM

Birthday Present

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on December 20, 2008, 07:37:50 PM

One Wrong Question
Here is another crazy one..

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we' ve decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why

You gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on December 30, 2008, 11:23:41 AM

Where to, in this rain? asks a friend to a fool.

Going home to get my umbrella. Answered the fool!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on January 05, 2009, 02:48:44 AM

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong. Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't do it."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on January 28, 2009, 02:03:19 PM

A man passed by someone standing in a farm when he was travelling in the morning. On his way back in the evening, he saw the same man standing at the exact spot he saw him. He then decided to find out if anything was wrong with the man:

Traveller: Hey buddy, saw you standing all day here, anything the matter?

Standing Man: Huh, yep, our boss in the office said any one "outstanding" in his field, will be
                     promoted to the next rank, and so here I am, out-standing in my field. ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on February 01, 2009, 08:49:11 PM

A sluggish husband is having a long lie in his bed when his wife walks in carrying a sheep underher arm
" This " she says "is the pig I have to have sex with"
Husband opens one eye and says " I think you'll find that that is a sheep."
" I wasn't talking to you" says the wife

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on March 10, 2009, 10:32:12 AM

sako daga gun budurwa zuwa saurayinta.

(http://i159.photobucket.com/albums/t124/busuguma/schoolgirl.jpg)

** ROLL DOWN TOU YOU  ** KISS BEFORE YOU READ
** ' P D N F'--- please do no fold

Roll down to you sweetiepie Babe!

Time and ability plus double capacity has forced my pen to dance automatically on this benedicted sheet of paper. Why! this miraculous thing happened is because papie I love you spontaneously and as I stand horizontal to the wall and perpendicular to the ground I only think of you, since you are a fantastic and fabulous guy. papie please Stop haranguing with the feelings in my heart because I love you more than a snake loves rat. To me each day starts by thinking of you and ends by dreaming of you. Each time I see you my metabolism suddenly stops and my peristalysis goes in reverse gear. My medular-oblandata also stops functioning.

Crazy crazy crazy you may say but this is true. If only you knew what is going on in my encephalon you would understand. That's why I need to see you face to face with you, soon. I think I have to pen-off hear because I still haven't finished studying electrolysis and polymerization.  Catch you pa- later. Sleep tight and don't let those bed bugs ever bite you coz you are too sweet a thing for them.

Yourz Ever,
Sugar tapi tapi

and the gread bobo replies back
(http://i159.photobucket.com/albums/t124/busuguma/oldboy.jpg)

** ROLL DOWN TOU YOU  ** KISS BEFORE YOU READ
** ' P D N F'--- please do no fold

My Love, My Sugar, i was exasperated with pride to have received one from you, the lungs in my body flapped with joy when i have been reading your letter. Anyway by now you have reached the realisations to why i am jotting this small letter to you, yes it is to see if you are keeping with the sands of time.

How is everything on that other side of yours? Well here everything is just half lemon half sugar to makeit schweppes. How is your schooling? How are you pulling the wagons of life? I am just pulling the schooling thing like a donkey pulling a cart.

My honie, i am missing you very much right now, my heart is perambulating with every word that i write, if it was not for these oceans that decided to flow between us then i would get on the next bus to come and see you, but until then i know that i will not hesitate to put this blue blood on this paper and write to you. I remember that day lovie, that one sweet day as Maria Curry sanged it, you know that it is my favorites song honie, the one day that we were boarding the combies and you escorted me to my home, walking with you just brought sweet dreams to me for the rest of my life honie.

If words of love could ride a bicycle I would be competing against Diego Maradona. Anyways, i will not stop you from reading the books that give you life and education so I will stop here for today.
Please always writing to me because I am missing you like sugar misses tea. You can see my foto above.

My dedications to you are :


   Maria Curry - One Sweet Day.

   Boys to Main - And of the Rod

Keep well my mop of my heart, Yours in flesh and in blood,  Ruise Sugar Baby

P.S. Sorry about my english, I did not learn anymore

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on March 13, 2009, 02:16:59 AM

LOL DB where did u get these pictures na dauka irin wadannan hotunan kona su ake.
Amma fa ka iya yans.
If i could give a name to the lady i'd call her Mary. Sosai tayi kama da Mary.Kai i'm sure ma sunan ta Mary from Adamawa ko Taraba ko Gombe.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on March 13, 2009, 10:15:31 AM

Ko Grace ba! Amma shi Dan gayen fa? Ko dai Dan..... ne yan kankani?!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on March 13, 2009, 11:08:24 AM

Quote from: waduz on March 13, 2009, 10:15:31 AM

Ko Grace ba! Amma shi Dan gayen fa? Ko dai Dan..... ne yan kankani?!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D

Dan gayen yayi kama da Kofi dan Ghana!!! ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on March 17, 2009, 06:20:20 PM

FROM: FATHER

TO:         ALL DEPENDANTS AND RELATIVES

SUBJECT: FINANCIAL MELTDOWN


Unavoidably, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below and under no circumstance is any violation allowed.

 1.    The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones.
          Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from
          myself upon submission of written request.

         

2.      Breakfast is banned.  This matter is not     for discussion.

3.      Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam,
          eggs, bread and milk are Restricted.  Anyone intending to eat
          any of such food, must write to Me in triplicate, with three days
          notice, giving convincing nutritional reasons backed by a qualified
          dietician.

4.      Watering with hoses is banned.  Further,
          only food-giving plants shall be watered.  No lawns or flowers
          shall receive water.  For internal decoration, only plastic and
          dry-flower arrangements shall be permitted.

5.      Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 litres of water per day per person while bathing in the
         evening is banned unless there are medical reasons.


6.      Security lights are being removed with
          immediate effect.  All dependants shall abide by an all-night
          guard-duty roster I shall make available shortly.

7.       No dependant shall entertain friends indoors,
          far less attempt to offer food, drinks or even music.  Those who
          want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them.

8.       No one is allowed to talk to officials from
          police, Council or Court Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an
          instantaneous penalty of ejection from The House.
9.      Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in The House, shall immediately have to
         seek temporary employment somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s)..

10.      All visitors intending to spend a night/week or
          more shall apply in triplicate and give two months notice,
          with an endorsement from their town
          Mayor, Village Headman or Church Priest, giving convincing reasons
          why they can't stay home.  Failure to do this shall result in
          their being turned away upon arrival.

          THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER.

 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on March 18, 2009, 08:53:38 AM

hahahahaha
Financial meltdown din fa kenan.
It will actually reduce spending cost.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on March 18, 2009, 10:20:02 AM

lol at item no. 2

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on March 18, 2009, 10:52:30 AM

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow." ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: EMTL on March 18, 2009, 03:46:36 PM

Assalamu alaikum,
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?" The salesman explained "When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And Then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
 
"The hell it should had!? said the salesman. Didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left"!
 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on March 18, 2009, 03:51:58 PM

Quote from: EMTL on March 18, 2009, 03:46:36 PM

Assalamu alaikum,
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?" The salesman explained "When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And Then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
 
"The hell it should had!? said the salesman. Didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left"!
 

that's a great one EMTL ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on March 19, 2009, 11:20:58 PM

A woman went to the doctor for a thorough check-up
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I have some bad
> news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
>
> The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and  walk into the
> waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
>
> "Well ,daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
> celebrate when things don't go so well.  In this case, things
aren't well.  I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a few
 drinks".
>
> After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre.  There
> were some laughs and more martinis. They were  eventually approached by
> some of the woman's old  friends, who were curious as to what the two
> were celebrating.
>
> The woman told her friends they were drinking to her  impending end.
> "I've been diagnosed with AIDS". The friends were aghast,
gave the woman their condolences and  beat a hasty retreat.
>
> After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned  over and
whispered,
" Momma, I thought you said you were dying  of cancer, and you just told
 your friends you were dying of  AIDS! Why did you do that?"
>
 "Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
> after I'm gone".
>
> And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs in
> Order

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on March 28, 2009, 11:09:30 AM

 ;D Trust women to be wicked.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on March 30, 2009, 12:03:47 AM

I like these………..

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
I knew a girl so ugly... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: MySeLf on April 22, 2009, 12:13:00 AM

NIGERIAN POLICE:-
You're under arrest on suspicion of trying to steal a car Mazda 323,,, you have the right to remain silence,
anything you say may be use against you in the court of law....hehehe


SUSPECT:-
(http://groovygreen.com/groove/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/goat.jpg)
MAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYHHhh(she cried) ???



Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of the attempted robbery of a Mazda car 323.
Vigilantes took the animal to the police, claiming it was a criminal who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal the car.... Ha ha lol wonder never end!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Firdausi on April 23, 2009, 08:17:26 PM

WEIRD!!
Read zt somewhere......I guessed suspect is still under police custody & yet 2 change into human......Wata kila sai yasha duka!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on April 24, 2009, 10:38:31 AM

Quote from: Firdausi on April 23, 2009, 08:17:26 PM

WEIRD!!
Read zt somewhere......I guessed suspect is still under police custody & yet 2 change into human......Wata kila sai yasha duka!

More likely sunyi parpesun kan akuya da suspect din sun bar mai mota yana hamma!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on April 26, 2009, 07:30:15 PM

A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab."

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.

"Hello," the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.


"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
 
   
 

 
 
 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on April 27, 2009, 08:05:01 PM

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a young child's whisper.....

Hello?

- Hello there, is your daddy home? He asked.

Yes whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?

No the child whispered

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked

- Is your Mummy there?

Yes

- May I talk with her?

Again the small voice whispered, No

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,

- Is anybody else there?

Yes......... A Policeman whispered the child

Starting to become concernd and wondering what the Polce would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

- May I speak with the policeman?

No, he's busy whispered the child.

- Busy doing what?

Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,

- What is that noise?

A helicopter answered the whispering voice.

- Goodness, what is going on there? Demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive...

Again, whispering, the child answered

The search team just landed a helicopter

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,

- What are they searching for?

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

ME 
   
 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on May 05, 2009, 06:17:02 PM

Quote from: Dave_McEwan_Hill on April 26, 2009, 07:30:15 PM

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Who did he call? The receptionist? ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on May 05, 2009, 10:08:55 PM

Exactly!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on May 07, 2009, 11:45:27 PM

First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:  The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough,  it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on May 08, 2009, 09:24:22 PM

LOL, he is a wicked professor.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on May 09, 2009, 08:01:51 PM

Quote from: Dave_McEwan_Hill on May 07, 2009, 11:45:27 PM

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough,  it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

Lol that was gross!! ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on May 12, 2009, 10:47:11 AM

heheheheheheheeeeeeee! Wonderful! The Professor actually killed them! Gaddem! ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on May 12, 2009, 05:33:57 PM

Quote from: Dave_McEwan_Hill on May 07, 2009, 11:45:27 PM

First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:  The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough,  it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

Thank you Dave ;D ;D  Y'know, I have been trying for sometime to recall and post this joke, which I heard long ago. Though the version I heard, it wasn't a dead cow they were experimenting on, but a Cadaver :o ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on May 12, 2009, 06:02:52 PM

A phone rings in the house and a little girl picks it up.
"Hello", she says.
"Hi honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?", a voice on the other end answers.
"No daddy, she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle paul", the little girl quipped.
After a brief pause, daddy says "but honey you don't have an uncle Paul!"
"Yes I do and he is upstairs with mommy right now".
Brief pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs knock on the bedroom door and shout to mommy that daddy's car just pulled in the driveway".
"Okay daddy, just a minute".
A while later the little girl comes back to the phone, "done it daddy!".
"What happened when you did it honey?"
"Well mommy got scared, jumped out of bed naked, ran round the room screaming, tripped over and knocked her head on the dresser. Now she ain't moving at all".
"What about uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out the window into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know you emptied the water last week. He hit the bottom and I think he's dead".
Really long pause this time.
Now confused, Daddy says, "What swimming pool? But we don't have a pool. Is this 486-5731?"
"No, this is 486-5713".

Sorry wrong number.....

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on May 12, 2009, 11:57:33 PM

Nice one.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on May 14, 2009, 10:37:50 PM

LOL
Ya kashe bayin Allah kawai.

An interesting story i came accross:

SAN JOSE, Calif. - An office worker cleaning a fridge full of rotten food created a smell so noxious that it sent seven co-workers to the hospital and made many others ill.

Firefighters had to evacuate the AT&T building in downtown San Jose on Tuesday after the fumes led someone to call 911. A hazmat team was called in.

What crews found was an unplugged refrigerator crammed with moldy food.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on May 15, 2009, 10:17:28 AM

Rev. Reinhard Bonke came to Okuokoko village in delta state for a convention. He climbed on the podium and started preaching the gospel. Barely 10 minutes had he started that he noticed that the congregation were grumbling and leaving. he called on the nearest man(akpomiemie) and asked why they were leaving and Akpomiemie answered "sir, they no undersatand your big english, Reinhard Bonke thought for a moment and then asked Akpomiemie for assistance. This is what ensued:

 

Reinhard Bonke: "As it was in the bible"

Akpomiemie: "As dem yarn for the bible side"

Reinhard Bonke: "Jesus entered the boat with his disciples"

Akpomiemie: "Naim Jesus fall in the canoe with him pallies"

Reinhard Bonke: "As the boat was sailing there was a great storm"

Akpomiemie: " As the canoe dey remove naim yawa come gas"

Reinhard Bonke: " the storm was so great that it was like a whirl wind"

Akpomiemie: "the yawa na die so tay kasala burst enter"

Reinhard Bonke: " the disciples were now afraid and they shouted master master"

Akpomiemie: "naim liver drop him pallies, dem begin hala bros bros"

Reinhard Bonke: " Jesus got up and calm down the wind"

Akpomiemie: "Naim Jesus  rise and arrange the yawa"

Reinhard Bonke: " He turned to his disciples and said, you are men of little faith"

Akpomiemie: Na so Jesus look him pallies,shake him head and say UNA FALL MY HAND"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on May 16, 2009, 08:42:20 AM

GGNK where is the punchline?   ???

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on May 18, 2009, 07:21:12 PM

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
 

 

 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on May 18, 2009, 09:58:01 PM

men and women nawa for una lol.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Muhsin on May 21, 2009, 10:37:45 AM

You guys are really having fun up there. Keep it up! ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on May 22, 2009, 05:56:24 PM

Quote from: HUSNAA on May 16, 2009, 08:42:20 AM

GGNK where is the punchline?   ???

That special Warri-created pidgin english. It is a specialty there. When they get into it, not everyone understands them ;)

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on June 02, 2009, 07:00:41 PM

Quote from: Bakan~Gizo on May 22, 2009, 05:56:24 PM

Quote from: HUSNAA on May 16, 2009, 08:42:20 AM

GGNK where is the punchline?   ???

That special Warri-created pidgin english. It is a specialty there. When they get into it, not everyone understands them ;)

Da Alama kam

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on July 23, 2009, 06:29:57 PM

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He Said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock.

The speaker added:
 
"And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner,

"The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

 The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage.

Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out

"...and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.

Moral of the story:

Don't copy if you can't paste!

 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on July 24, 2009, 05:01:07 PM

LOL,Nice one BKGZ


Wasu jokes da na gani on facebook:

1) Yan giya biyu suna hira: Dan giya na farko: Ya kalli sama ya ce, kai amma fa in za'a yi wa sama kwano(roofing) za ta ci rafta(ceiling wood). Dan giya na biyu: Ya amsa masa, ai yi wa sama kwano ai sai federal gwamment.


2) Wasu yan giya guda biyu sun fito suna musu wajen sha daya na dare a fagge wai dare ne ko rana, sai suka hadu da wani dangiya na uku suka tam bayeshi: wai dare ne ko rana? Sai yace; kai wallahi nima bako ne!


3) A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got
along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following
questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have
a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on the shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on July 24, 2009, 06:10:14 PM

Quote from: gogannaka on July 24, 2009, 05:01:07 PM

3) A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got
along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following
questions:...

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on the shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

Haha.

I heard something similar long ago, but I can't remember the lines. Something about an Indian in America for the first time.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on July 24, 2009, 07:45:19 PM

lol nice one too GGNK
shege dan giya wai only federal government ne zata
iya yin roofing hahahaha.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on July 24, 2009, 09:33:26 PM

HAhaha,ta gaya mai karya.
Amma ai kasan gwamnati ita ce mai ta'ammali da asara.
Kuma zancen gaskiya gwamnatin najeriya idan suka ga dama sai wani ya kawo idea ayi roofing sama saboda a ci kudi.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on July 24, 2009, 11:18:32 PM

tips for survival in nija:

if u want to be angry, watch obasanjo talk
if you want to be drowsy, listen to yaradua's speeches
if u want to be bored, watch david mark's senate
if u want to waste a whole day, attend bankole's house probes
if u want comedy, tune to dora akunyili's rebranding
if u r allergic to lies, avoid aondoaka and farida's anti corruption crusade
if u r disgruntled, join el rufai and ribadu.
if u have kids learning english, avoid turai whenever she talks!

this was a txt msg sent to me, i hav nothing to do with its creation, all i can say is:

God bless our leaders and God bless Nigeria

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on July 25, 2009, 12:17:19 PM

well done everyone! This is what I call forum revival ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D. Keep it up!!
Umm T wuna welcome backooooo ;D ;D ;D ;D
Mima I get one real life joke which i will share with u if I can get at where i wrote it down. Later sha!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on July 26, 2009, 07:14:54 AM

UmmT long time.

I believe Turai is far better then Goodluck Jonathan's wife.
NTA don't bother putting any of her speeches on TV anymore...WAI  :-X

Here is one funny turai conversation in Akwa-Ibom:
'You see many people say i have done medicine for my husband,
I did not do any medicine for my Husband.It is only love that is between us'
i encourage you also to love your husbands.


And the when she was about leaving she turned back and said
'don't do medicine for your husbands'


However,ai ba dole bane sai mutum ya iya turanchi.
Infact gaskiya suna kokartawa.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on July 27, 2009, 06:11:10 PM

Quote from: gogannaka on July 26, 2009, 07:14:54 AM

Here is one funny turai conversation in Akwa-Ibom:
'You see many people say i have done medicine for my husband,
I did not do any medicine for my Husband.It is only love that is between us'
i encourage you also to love your husbands.


And the when she was about leaving she turned back and said
'don't do medicine for your husbands'


However,ai ba dole bane sai mutum ya iya turanchi.
Infact gaskiya suna kokartawa.

 ;D ;D Gaskiya I laff on dat. Amma fa in za'a fadi gaskiya, Turancin Turai fa sai a hankali ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on July 27, 2009, 07:37:56 PM

I think I heard her talk in America. She was OK.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on August 19, 2009, 06:00:27 PM

Now that I've learnt how copy and paste,


A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He Said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock.

The speaker added:
 
"And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner,

"The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

 The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage.

Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out

"...and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on August 19, 2009, 06:42:26 PM

Hahahahaha.

You no go kill me with lafta.
Next time ya kara.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Muhsin on August 20, 2009, 12:07:23 PM

BKGZ,

You had me scornfully laughing. Ppl around turned their gazes towards me. Wallahi it's scorching funny.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Fateez on August 20, 2009, 03:58:43 PM

Quote from: gogannaka on July 26, 2009, 07:14:54 AM

UmmT long time.

I believe Turai is far better then Goodluck Jonathan's wife.
NTA don't bother putting any of her speeches on TV anymore...WAI  :-X

Here is one funny turai conversation in Akwa-Ibom:
'You see many people say i have done medicine for my husband,
I did not do any medicine for my Husband.It is only love that is between us'
i encourage you also to love your husbands.


And the when she was about leaving she turned back and said
'don't do medicine for your husbands'


However,ai ba dole bane sai mutum ya iya turanchi.
Infact gaskiya suna kokartawa.

Hehehehehehehehehe! Point taken, we won't "do medicine" for our husbands. Quick question though,

what if they're sick? Hehehehe. She never ceases to make me laugh. I remember listening to another

interview and I must say, she tends to beat about the bush and at the end of the 5 mins you're asking

"What on earth was the topic in the first place?"

That being said though, I don't believe that a person's intelligence should be judged by their ability to

speak English. Especially when English is a second language. I mean, look at Japan. Look how successful

they got without speaking any English. I'm more deterred when a person cannot speak their native

language because I feel it's a very important part of a person's identity. Not some generic language

we've borrowed from the English. Many spouses of Presidents and Prime Ministers around the world

cannot speak English at all. As for communication, you can always hire a translator...

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on August 20, 2009, 05:34:42 PM

Quote from: Fateez on August 20, 2009, 03:58:43 PM

Hehehehehehehehehe! Point taken, we won't "do medicine" for our husbands. Quick question though,

what if they're sick? Hehehehe...[/glow]

Simple. Take them to asibiti. Tace 'don't do medicine', ke kuma kina neman ki kawo wani surkulle? ::) ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Fateez on August 20, 2009, 06:02:10 PM

Quote from: Bakan~Gizo on August 20, 2009, 05:34:42 PM

Quote from: Fateez on August 20, 2009, 03:58:43 PM

Hehehehehehehehehe! Point taken, we won't "do medicine" for our husbands. Quick question though,

what if they're sick? Hehehehe...[/glow]

Simple. Take them to asibiti. Tace 'don't do medicine', ke kuma kina neman ki kawo wani surkulle? ::) ;D

Hehe! Will that explain why her husband is regularly being flown out of the country for medical treatment?

When he falls sick or gets discharged she doesn't do medicine for him and so he falls sick again?

hmmmm.... one can only wonder.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on August 20, 2009, 08:49:31 PM

@ fateez, Ni i would not even mind if i don't know how to speak any language at all.
As far as i will be the first lady and my account go dey shine.....su cinye turancin su.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Muhsin on August 21, 2009, 11:57:50 AM

Quote from: gogannaka on August 20, 2009, 08:49:31 PM

@ fateez, Ni i would not even mind if i don't know how to speak any language at all.
As far as i will be the first lady and my account go dey shine.....su cinye turancin su.

Kai Goga! You must be kidding. ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on August 22, 2009, 11:44:18 PM

Na true talk Goga dey talk. At least Turai is laughing all the way to the bank, ko ba haka ba? Ironically sunan ta Turai amma ba turancin ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on August 23, 2009, 03:13:25 PM

Quote from: Fateez on August 20, 2009, 06:02:10 PM

Hehe! Will that explain why her husband is regularly being flown out of the country for medical treatment?

When he falls sick or gets discharged she doesn't do medicine for him and so he falls sick again?

hmmmm.... one can only wonder.

Wato ke dai kina ganin ya kamata she should "do medicine" for him a gida kenan?

Anyway, enuff of Turai. The woman dey there dey enjoy hersef, we dey here dey bother about english.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on August 25, 2009, 02:48:39 PM

Quote from: gogannaka on July 26, 2009, 07:14:54 AM

UmmT long time.

I believe Turai is far better then Goodluck Jonathan's wife.
NTA don't bother putting any of her speeches on TV anymore...WAI  :-X

Here is one funny turai conversation in Akwa-Ibom:
'You see many people say i have done medicine for my husband,
I did not do any medicine for my Husband.It is only love that is between us'
i encourage you also to love your husbands.


And the when she was about leaving she turned back and said
'don't do medicine for your husbands'


However,ai ba dole bane sai mutum ya iya turanchi.
Infact gaskiya suna kokartawa.

This is a disgrace, to think that her husband which she boast of was a lecturer, kai!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on August 25, 2009, 05:16:23 PM

She was also a lecturer (or teacher). Amma ai kasan lakcarorin najeriya yanzu abin sai a hankali. Da yawan su in suna lacca a aji sai kaji kamar ka boye a karkashin seat din ka don kunya.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: *~MuDa~* on August 26, 2009, 02:18:56 PM

Lol @ BKZ, kai mallam that's cruel...lol!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: waduz on August 28, 2009, 08:45:18 PM

A tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. “dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, by friend,” said the trader, “only one hundred pounds.”
“No thank you,” said the tourist. “It’s far too expensive.”
“How ‘bout dis one, my friend?” said the street trader, producing a small skull.
“Whose skull is that?”
“dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!”


 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on August 30, 2009, 01:10:25 PM

Quote from: waduz on August 28, 2009, 08:45:18 PM

A tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. “dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, by friend,” said the trader, “only one hundred pounds.”
“No thank you,” said the tourist. “It’s far too expensive.”
“How ‘bout dis one, my friend?” said the street trader, producing a small skull.
“Whose skull is that?”
“dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!”

Kaji dan iska ;D Ta yaya ta girma tunda ga skull dinta tana yarinya?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on September 14, 2009, 05:48:52 PM

Driving to work this morning, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing more than 100 km/ per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!

It scared me (and this coming from a man....) so much that I dropped my shaver, which knocked the fish roll out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee cup held between my legs, causing it to splash on my thigh and burn like hell, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

Women Drivers ::)!!!!!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Jibo on September 15, 2009, 09:20:34 AM

Na wao! Man-woman drivers! How you come jam-pack all these! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D! My belle woo, my head !!!!!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on September 17, 2009, 11:59:20 AM

“Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to respond rationally to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.


The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."


Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon can I go home?"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on September 21, 2009, 08:59:37 PM

Tashin hankali. Wanna ai shine hauka da nadi

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on September 25, 2009, 03:47:51 PM

NA BY FORCE TO MARRY.........? I TIRE OHH!!!!!

 What a wonderful community wedding!!!!!
During a wedding reception; the groom was called upon to give his vote of thanks to his guests and this is what he came up with:
1. I want to first of all thank the Lord Almighty for creating my wife and to also thank the pastor and his wife for lending us their wedding rings.

2. Special appreciation to my landlord who lent us his car.
3. I am most grateful to my boss for approving the loan I used for my wedding suit.
4. Big thanks to the committee of friends for the appeal fund they raised on my behalf.
5. Also to my brother's wife, thank you for lending us your wedding gown and to my sister for lending her shoes to my wife.

6. Am so grateful to the cake designer for the cake. I promised to return it tomorrow morning as agreed without cutting or eating out of it.                             7. Special thanks to my friends who brought food from their homes to help me feed you all. Please for those who were served food good luck and for Those who didn't get any, well we will make it up to you during our child dedication ( hopefully next year).

8. Very big thanks to my parents for bringing the village cultural band to supply the music as well as entertain us all here, today.
9. Not forgetting the church marriage committee, thank you for persuading my wife to marry me.                              10. Appreciation to the married men in the church for rushing me into this marriage.
11. The women are not left out, thanks a lot for teaching my wife how to cook and dance.
12. To the youths, thank you for sweeping and decorating this venue with palm fronds.
13. I am also grateful to my teenage friends for helping with the Zobo drinks.

14. Appreciation to my co-tenants for contributing money for the cameraman.
15. Well, I wish you all safe journey and I pray you don't experience what I suffered for this wedding.
 Thank you
 
              NA BY FORCE TO MARRY!!!!!?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on September 25, 2009, 06:43:51 PM

Tashin sence, wannan ai shine beran masallaci

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on September 26, 2009, 03:47:45 PM

The most important thing dai ai yayi auren.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: David_McEwan_Hill on November 27, 2009, 12:10:48 PM

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
> given their new wives duties.
>
> Terry had married a woman from USA and bragged that he had told his wife
> she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
> He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came
> home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
>
> Jimmie had married a woman from France . He bragged that he had given
> his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
> cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
> the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
> dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
>
> The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her
> that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry
> and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on
> the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything,
> the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the
> swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye,
> just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and hang
> out a load of washing
>
>
> God Bless Scottish Women........

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: David_McEwan_Hill on December 02, 2009, 05:33:15 PM

Peter Kay One Liners

 1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' printed on it.
 I said 'Thyroid problem?'

 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
 realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
 to forgive me.

 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
 swimming.
 
 4) A cement mixer collided with a prison van.
 Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

 5)  I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
 one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my
 bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!
From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

 6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
 he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

 7) I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbour
 said 'Are you going to help?'
 I said 'No, six should be enough.'

  8) You know that look women get when they want to have sex? No, me neither

 9) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
 they don't understand, such as working for a living.

 10) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
 I've forgotten this before

 PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

 1) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

2) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
 
 3) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
 
 4) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
 first given opportunity.

 5) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

  6) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in
 a fruit salad.

 SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY


 1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

 2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
 core of the earth?

 3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

 4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

 5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
 stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

  6) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 7) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
 squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

 8) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
 point to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?

 9) What do you call male ballerinas?

 10) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 11) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
 stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
 paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on December 18, 2009, 06:17:48 PM

LOl Scottish women are no-nosense huh? I like the bike stealing joke, since God forgive- rather steal and ask....... is it?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: maikyau on January 05, 2010, 11:49:04 AM

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Haba Danborno meye na ihu don an ce ka debo goruba i believed zaka iya cinyewa wit out much prob.afterall duk tsamin yakuwa kana iya dibanta.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on January 05, 2010, 04:56:30 PM

Quote from: maikyau on January 05, 2010, 11:49:04 AM

;D ;D ;D ;D
Haba Danborno meye na ihu don an ce ka debo goruba i believed zaka iya cinyewa wit out much prob.afterall duk tsamin yakuwa kana iya dibanta.

 ;D ;D ;D

Kai mallam. Lallai da alama ka san sirrin mutumin! 2-0 kenan.


 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on January 05, 2010, 05:10:21 PM

hahaha,
BKGZ kai ne referee kenan.
An je hutun rabin lokaci.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on January 05, 2010, 08:17:07 PM

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the 
following:

         'Emma come first.
         Den I come.
         Den two asses come together.
         I come once-a-more!
         Two asses, they come together again.
         I come again and pee twice.
         Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any  more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted
indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in


Public places about our sex  lives!'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin'
abouta sex?  I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell  
 

' Mississippi .'

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on January 06, 2010, 05:12:46 PM

Yawwa.  The lady must have a corrupt mind. ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on January 08, 2010, 11:23:02 PM

The lady must have a corrupt mind, ko kuma 'yan iskan birni sun hadu ba!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: David_McEwan_Hill on January 09, 2010, 01:45:05 AM

Fat girl to slim good looking friend
" Guys very often like to go to bed with a woman with a bit of meat on their bones"
Slim friend (mockingly)
" And who told you that? Your boyfriend?"
Fat Girl replies 
"No. YOUR boyfriend!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on January 11, 2010, 01:51:52 AM

Quote from: David_McEwan_Hill on November 27, 2009, 12:10:48 PM

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
> given their new wives duties.
>
> Terry had married a woman from USA and bragged that he had told his wife
> she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
> He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came
> home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
>
> Jimmie had married a woman from France . He bragged that he had given
> his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
> cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
> the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
> dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
>
> The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her
> that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry
> and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on
> the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything,
> the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the
> swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye,
> just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and hang
> out a load of washing
>
>
> God Bless Scottish Women........

That was very funny!! God Bless Kick ass Women!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on January 11, 2010, 10:10:09 AM

God created the donkey

and said to him.
"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset
carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass,
you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."
The donkey answered:
"I will be a donkey, but to live 50years is much. Give me only 20years"
God granted his wish.

God created the dog

and said to him:
"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.
You will eat the scraps that he gives you and
you will live 30years.
You will be a dog. "
The dog answered:
"Sir, to live 30years is too much,give me only15 years.
" God granted his wish.

God created the monkey

and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live
20 years. "
The monkey
answered:
"To live 20years is too much, give me only 10years."
God granted his wish.

Finally God created man...

and said to him:
"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.
You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.
You will dominate the world and you will live 20years."

Man responded:
"Sir, I will be a man but to live only
20 years is very little,
give me the 30years that the donkey refused,
the 15years that the dog did not want and
the 10years the monkey refused.
" God granted man's wish ................................................................

And since then, man lives
20 years as a man ,

marries and spends
30 years like a donkey,
working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown,
he lives 15years like a dog taking care of the house
and eating whatever is given to him,

so that when he is old,
he can retire and live 10years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or
daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

That's Life.

Tankurunkus, wanda yaji tsoro a kansa.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: maikyau on January 11, 2010, 11:43:04 AM

DB,
Wannan labari naka haka yake.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on January 12, 2010, 04:46:14 PM

Quote from: Dan-Borno on January 11, 2010, 10:10:09 AM

God created the donkey

and said to him.
"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset
carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass,
you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."
The donkey answered:
"I will be a donkey, but to live 50years is much. Give me only 20years"
God granted his wish.

God created the dog

and said to him:
"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.
You will eat the scraps that he gives you and
you will live 30years.
You will be a dog. "
The dog answered:
"Sir, to live 30years is too much,give me only15 years.
" God granted his wish.

God created the monkey

and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live
20 years. "
The monkey
answered:
"To live 20years is too much, give me only 10years."
God granted his wish.

Finally God created man...

and said to him:
"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.
You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.
You will dominate the world and you will live 20years."

Man responded:
"Sir, I will be a man but to live only
20 years is very little,
give me the 30years that the donkey refused,
the 15years that the dog did not want and
the 10years the monkey refused.
" God granted man's wish ................................................................

And since then, man lives
20 years as a man ,

marries and spends
30 years like a donkey,
working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown,
he lives 15years like a dog taking care of the house
and eating whatever is given to him,

so that when he is old,
he can retire and live 10years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or
daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

That's Life.
Tankurunkus, wanda yaji tsoro a kansa.

I feel sorry for man. For me. It's not funny, because that's the fact of life.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on January 13, 2010, 03:21:41 PM

‪‪THE CASH MACHINE

A new sign in a Bank Lobby reads:’ Please note that this Bank had recently installed new Drive-through Cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. After months of careful study, the following MALE & FEMALE behavior/prodedure have been observed.


MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.2. Put down your car window.3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.6. Put window up.7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.3. Apply handbrake, put the window down.4. Find handbag; remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.6. Attempt to insert card into machine.7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.8. Insert card.9. Re-insert card the right way.10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.11. Enter PIN.12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.13. Enter amount of cash required.14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.15. Retrieve cash and receipt..16. Empty handbag again to locate purseand place cash inside.17. Write debit amount in debit note bookand place receipt in back of note book.18. Re-check makeup.19. Drive forward 2 feet.20. Reverse back to cash machine.21. Retrieve card.22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.25. Redial person on cell phone.26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.27. Release handbrake.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on January 14, 2010, 10:07:56 AM

lol women wahala

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on January 20, 2010, 01:52:38 PM

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on January 20, 2010, 11:02:43 PM

LOL,
Nice and wise answer.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on January 21, 2010, 12:58:02 AM

Higher IQ on display LOL

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on February 03, 2010, 04:57:40 PM

3 parents were with their 11 year old kids so they asked them 'what do you want to be when u grow up'?
The first said 'I want to be a lawyer like my daddy. The father was proud.
The second said 'I want to be a policeman when i grow up so people will give me money on the road'.The third father shook his head and said very poor training.
When it was the third sons turn, he said; 'I want to be a .... I want to be a ....hmn how person go carry grow wen him never chop sef'.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on February 04, 2010, 02:50:25 PM

Shi yaron ba'a bashi abinci ne a gida?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on February 04, 2010, 04:58:30 PM

LOL

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on February 08, 2010, 07:24:56 PM

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on February 09, 2010, 12:23:49 PM

Oh my!
Taken unawares.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: maikyau on February 09, 2010, 02:53:15 PM

Labarin wasu uztazai guda biyu suka hadu da yan fashi a hanya.Akace kowa ya kawo kudi suka ce basu da kudi saboda waazi zasu sai aka tambayi sunansu daya yace UZTAZ SHIEK MUHAMMAD ALMANSUR KANAWIYYU BATAGARAWA sai ogan yan fasin yace a rubuta masa sunansa da wuka,da aka tambayi dayan sunansa sai yace YA'U

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on February 09, 2010, 05:08:22 PM

LOL,hahahaha

Ni kuma na taba jin wani version din story din that shi gayen sunan shi Ikechukwu charles Augustine amman da aka tambaye shi sai ya ce sunan shi IK sai aka ce a rubuta mai. Ana cikin rubuta mai da reza sai ID card din shi ya fado sai suka ga full name din, sai ogan yace a yi cancelling (yadda ake cancelling rubutu da biro) a rubuta mai full name.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: maikyau on February 10, 2010, 11:12:19 AM

GGNK kace sun karshi don kuwa cancellation din kadai ai ya halaka shi.Nice one

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on February 10, 2010, 08:02:09 PM

LOL

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on February 11, 2010, 12:12:06 PM

3 rats dey argue who be the biggest boy...
d 1st one said he climbed rat trap & danced alanta...nothing happened...
d 2nd one said he ate rat poison & didnt die....
d 3rd one said.....u see dat cat na me give am belle....
if you are the judge....who is d biggest boy??

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on February 11, 2010, 02:28:22 PM

Of course the 3rd rat. Shegen kaya ;D




During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised..?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want bed the near the window?"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on February 11, 2010, 03:43:43 PM

LOL,
Mental institution.
Ni ma when i saw it first i went for the bucket because u were given just 3 options ai.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on February 11, 2010, 06:30:52 PM

gaskiya da 3rd rat shegen dan iska ne lol.
gogannaka, i go book executive room at neuro-psy
in maiduguri

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on February 15, 2010, 02:59:59 PM

Quote from: Dan-Borno on February 11, 2010, 06:30:52 PM

gogannaka, i go book executive room at neuro-psy
in maiduguri

You booking in whose name? Kai ko goga?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on February 15, 2010, 03:29:12 PM

LOL,
Nagode BKGZ,he is booking for himself and just informing us,in case we need to contact him.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on February 24, 2010, 06:10:37 PM

A seven-year old boy was at the center of an Ikeja high court courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a
 court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge  initially awarded custody
to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law  and regulation requiring
that family unity be maintained to the highest  degree possible.... .
The boy  surprised the court  when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more
than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the  judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried  and said that they  also beat
him. After  considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that  domestic violence was apparently a
way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should  have custody of him.
 After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Super Eagles of Nigeria, whom the boy firmly believes are almost incapable of beating anyone!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on February 24, 2010, 07:08:47 PM

lol thats 10 - 0 against super eagles.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on March 18, 2010, 03:06:15 PM

A pretty woman was serving life sentence in prison. Angry and resentful about her situation, she had decided that she would rather die than to live another year in prison.

Over the years she had become good friends with one of the prison caretakers. His job, among others, was to bury those prisoners who died in a graveyard just outside the prison walls.

When a prisoner died, the caretaker rang a bell, which was heard by everyone. The caretaker then got the body and put it in a casket. Next, he entered his office to fill out the death certificate before returning to the casket to nail the lid shut. Finally, he put the casket on a wagon to take it to the graveyard and bury it.

Knowing this routine, the woman devised an escape plan and shared it with the caretaker. The next time the bell rang, the woman would leave her cell and sneak into the dark room where the coffins were kept. She would slip into the coffin with the dead body while the caretaker was filling out the death certificate.. When the care-taker returned, he would nail the lid shut and take the coffin outside the prison with the woman in the coffin along with the dead body. He would then bury the coffin. The woman knew there would be enough air for her to breathe until later in the evening when the caretaker would return to the graveyard under the cover of darkness, dig up the coffin, open it, and set her free.

The caretaker was reluctant to go along with this plan, but since he and the woman had become good friends over the years, he agreed to do it. The woman waited several weeks before someone in the prison died. She was asleep in her cell when she heard the death bell ring. She got up and slowly walked down the hallway. She was nearly caught a couple of times. Her heart was beating fast.

She opened the door to the darkened room where the coffins were kept. Quietly in the dark, she found the coffin that contained the dead body, carefully climbed into the coffin and pulled the lid shut to wait for the caretaker to come and nail the lid shut.

Soon she heard footsteps and the pounding of the hammer and nails. Even though she was very uncomfortable in the coffin with the dead body, she knew that with each nail she was one step closer to freedom.

The coffin was lifted onto the wagon and taken outside to the graveyard. She could feel the coffin being lowered into the ground. She didn't make a sound as the coffin hit the bottom of the grave with a thud.

Finally she heard the dirt dropping onto the top of the wooden coffin, and she knew that it was only a matter of time until she would be free at last. After several minutes of absolute silence, she began to laugh. She was free! She was free!

Feeling curious, she decided to light a match to find out the identity of the dead prisoner beside her. To her horror, she discovered that she was lying next to the dead caretaker...

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Tukurtukur on March 18, 2010, 05:25:19 PM

Salam jama\'a so.  Na dawo.  Afuwan for the long sabat. 
GGNK and DB thank you for the PPP messages. 
Webmystery coming back in full swing.   I missed you all.  Nda feroyin Myself? Nda Husna Ummita a?  The site has been kept alive and bubbling.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: HUSNAA on March 23, 2010, 12:03:50 AM

Quote from: Dan-Borno on March 18, 2010, 03:06:15 PM

A pretty woman was serving life sentence in prison. Angry and resentful about her situation, she had decided that she would rather die than to live another year in prison.

Over the years she had become good friends with one of the prison caretakers. His job, among others, was to bury those prisoners who died in a graveyard just outside the prison walls.

When a prisoner died, the caretaker rang a bell, which was heard by everyone. The caretaker then got the body and put it in a casket. Next, he entered his office to fill out the death certificate before returning to the casket to nail the lid shut. Finally, he put the casket on a wagon to take it to the graveyard and bury it.

Knowing this routine, the woman devised an escape plan and shared it with the caretaker. The next time the bell rang, the woman would leave her cell and sneak into the dark room where the coffins were kept. She would slip into the coffin with the dead body while the caretaker was filling out the death certificate.. When the care-taker returned, he would nail the lid shut and take the coffin outside the prison with the woman in the coffin along with the dead body. He would then bury the coffin. The woman knew there would be enough air for her to breathe until later in the evening when the caretaker would return to the graveyard under the cover of darkness, dig up the coffin, open it, and set her free.

The caretaker was reluctant to go along with this plan, but since he and the woman had become good friends over the years, he agreed to do it. The woman waited several weeks before someone in the prison died. She was asleep in her cell when she heard the death bell ring. She got up and slowly walked down the hallway. She was nearly caught a couple of times. Her heart was beating fast.

She opened the door to the darkened room where the coffins were kept. Quietly in the dark, she found the coffin that contained the dead body, carefully climbed into the coffin and pulled the lid shut to wait for the caretaker to come and nail the lid shut.

Soon she heard footsteps and the pounding of the hammer and nails. Even though she was very uncomfortable in the coffin with the dead body, she knew that with each nail she was one step closer to freedom.

The coffin was lifted onto the wagon and taken outside to the graveyard. She could feel the coffin being lowered into the ground. She didn't make a sound as the coffin hit the bottom of the grave with a thud.

Finally she heard the dirt dropping onto the top of the wooden coffin, and she knew that it was only a matter of time until she would be free at last. After several minutes of absolute silence, she began to laugh. She was free! She was free!

Feeling curious, she decided to light a match to find out the identity of the dead prisoner beside her. To her horror, she discovered that she was lying next to the dead caretaker...

Wannan shi ne tales of the unexpected!! This one na make me chilled not make me laugh. this one na horror story!!
ON a lighter note:

BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS!!
Turai is considering marrying Goodluck Jonathan to remain first lady. She may change her name to TURETTA GOODLUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on March 24, 2010, 02:06:07 PM

Husnaa that is not funny  :P

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on March 25, 2010, 07:02:47 PM

The Generation of LESS

Our communication       -    Wireless
Our telephone                -    Cordless
Our cooking                  -    Fireless
Our youth                     -    Jobless
Our Ladies                    -    Topless
Our food                       -    Fatless
Our labour                     -    Effortless
Our conduct                  -    Worthless
Our relation                   -    Loveless
Our attitude                   -    Careless
Our feelings                  -    Heartless
Our politics                   -    Shameless
Our education                -    Valueless
Our arguments               -    Baseless
Our boss                       -    Brainless
Our Job                         -    Thankless
Our Mistakes                 -    Countless
Our Needs                      -    Endless
Our situation                   -    Hopeless
Our Sweets                    -    Sugarless
Our Salary                     -    Less and less

AND FINALLY

 
Our President                 -    Lifeless!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on March 26, 2010, 02:19:13 PM

A less-on with less

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on March 29, 2010, 10:40:49 AM

Saudi Prince goes to Germany to study.

A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:

"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school
with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar
check saying:

"Stop embarrassing us!
go and get yourself a train too!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on March 31, 2010, 01:30:39 AM

LOL ana wata ga wata

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on March 31, 2010, 09:59:49 AM

women can be serious

(http://i159.photobucket.com/albums/t124/busuguma/notinthemood.jpg)

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on March 31, 2010, 12:28:25 PM

Quote from: Dan-Borno on March 31, 2010, 09:59:49 AM

women can be serious

(http://<a href="http://s159.photobucket.com/albums/t124/busuguma/?action-view&current=notinthemood.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i159.photobucket.com/albums/t124/busuguma/notinthemood.jpg" border="0" alt="kanoonline.com"></a>)

Me suka yi?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on March 31, 2010, 01:23:18 PM

sorry, could get the pix code correct, i think the picture speaks to
itself now gogannaka

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on April 01, 2010, 11:49:14 PM

Hahahahahaha,

Sai kace dole.
Guantanamo kenan.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on April 06, 2010, 09:19:32 AM

Two young boys from the eastern part stole a bag of fruits from the village market and took off.
They decided to go to the nearest cemetery to share the loot, but they had to scale a big gate to enter the cemetery.
As they were scaling the gate two oranges fell out of the bag and were left behind at the gate.
A heavily drunk man on his way from a local tavern was passing by the cemetery gate and heard the following:
One for me - One for you (Distribution of the loot was in progress),
One for me - One for you...
He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to the local priest.
"Father James come with me and witness, God and Satan are sharing corpses at the Cemetery"- He said.
They both ran back to the cemetery gate where the voices continued: "One for me - One for you"
Suddenly one of the voices said "Let's get the two at the gate"
One of the Pastor's shoes is still at the cemetery as at the time of sending this mail.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on May 05, 2010, 08:27:52 PM

Wani mutum motar shi ta tsaya a tsakiyar daji saboda petur ya kare.
Ya rassa yadda zai yi da kuma inda zai samu mai ya siya.
Chan sai ga wani bawan Allah ya taho a kafa, sai ya ce da bawan Allan, "da Allah mallam ina zan samu mai na siya?"
Bawan Allah yace zo in raka ka. Mutum sai farin ciki.
Suka yi ta lulukawa,tafiya suke,tafiya suke sai da suka shafe kilomitoci masu yawa (kaman biyu haka ko uku) sai bawan Allah ya juya yace wa mai mota "man gyada ko?"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on May 14, 2010, 07:55:15 PM

OMG, i would have choked him if i was d one

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on May 14, 2010, 08:06:57 PM

in a classroom:
teacher: Gbenga what do you a person that keeps talking when people are no longer interested?

Gbenga: a teacher!

i luv this kid

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on May 14, 2010, 09:34:26 PM

good one gogannaka, amma dai tsakaninka da Allah wannan
mutumin ba bafillatani ba?

this one is in kanuri language and i had to translate it
to hausa with difficulty:

__________________________________________________
madu and his father went to till the farm and came back home
at noon as usual (typical kanuri home dont cook lunch) as
such, both father and son (madu) had to manage the remaining
porridge (kunu) available before supper (dinner).

while madu was busy washing his hands in preparation to take
the kunu with his dad, sai babansa yace "madu, kaje gidan
makeri, kace ya baka fartanyannan nawa" as an obedient son
he has no option, despite the tiredness and hunger, he left to
the house of the blacksmith.

on returning home, he found his dad has finished drinking the
whole of the kunu and never mind to keep a little for his son.
after madu has delivered the message to his dad, he took faith
as last option and headed straight outside and laid down under
the tree to take fresh air.

the curious dad later followed his son madu outside and found
him relaxing under the tree and interrupted "madu, are you taking
some fresh air"?

madu was already at tense, he now turned to his dad and said
"kasamdu kamu kamma geyi na deze" meaning, the fresh air was
not cooked by anybody's wife.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on May 15, 2010, 09:42:54 AM

Hahahaha,
Lallai madu ya ji yunwa.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on May 16, 2010, 01:48:21 PM

MAKE UNA LAUGH: BUSHMEAT DON CATCH D HUNTER

a housewife in realising  dat the housemaid is behaving funny decided to engage her.

MADAM: chinyere why u don begin dey behave anyhow these days, e bi like say u no wan know ur mate for this house o!
            face no dey fear face for ur village? abi u don carry craze for head?

CHINYERE: look at u you call urself madam, which kind wife u be? afterall my food dey sweet pass ya own...

MADAM: Ehn!!!! who told u dat u cook beta than i do?
CHINYERE: na oga now.....
MADAM: lord have mercy!!!!!!!! papa nkechi!????!!!!!  you will come and meet for this house today..... na war btw me n him today. ehenn i don dey suspect this thing since......
CHINYERE: no be all be that o......... i even pass you for bed
MADAM: yepah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im finished, so papa nkechi told u such thing too?
CHINYERE: mba, na driver talk dat one o

MADAM: Uhmm!! chichi baby, chiyerryrrry, chilonsky, chi chi of africa... come here my darling, good girl. Abeg no let oga hear dat one o,  devil no go pour sand for ur garri o, ok?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on May 17, 2010, 11:35:38 AM

(http://www.pchsperformingarts.org/media/laughing.gif)

kai jama'a, zaku kashe mutum da dariya lol.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on May 17, 2010, 04:33:53 PM

Wai wasu barayi ne suka je sata wani gida da dare. Aka rasa yadda za'a haura katangar, sai suka cicciba dayan su, suka dora kan katangar ya haura. yana dira cikin gidan, sai ya hangi wani fankacecen gajeren wando an shanya a igiyar shanya a tsakar gida. Ai ba wata-wata, sai barawon ya sami benci a nan, ya taka ya hauro waje yana haki. 'Yan'uwan sa suka ce me yasa ya dawo bai dauko komai ba?. Yace musu, "ai ba ta dauko kaya ake ba. Wallahi muyi maza mu bar gidan nan, domin in mai gajeren wandon nan ya damke mu, baza muji da dadi ba!!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on May 17, 2010, 05:03:53 PM

Hehehehehe!

Kai wannan barawo akwai hangen nesa.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on May 21, 2010, 09:13:50 PM

lol, wannan shine irin na wanda shi kuma da ya diro cikin gidan
ashe an soma tona shadda ne amma dare yayi, sai aka ce wai
a bari sai gobe, sai kawai barawonka ya fada a ciki.  Jim kadan
shi da kansa ya soma ihu wai wayyo Allah barawo, a zo a taimake
shi.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on May 22, 2010, 11:17:48 PM

A popular motivational speaker addressing his audience said: "The best
Years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that
woman was my mother!"

Laughter and Applause

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried

to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a
drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The
greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was

not my wife!" The wife went; "ahhhh!" with shock and rage.

Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the
joke, the manager finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital
bed nursing first degree burns from boiling cooking oil.

Moral of the story: if u cant paste, dont copy!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on May 28, 2010, 01:21:55 AM

MARRIAGE HUMOUR
wife:what are u doing?
husband: nothing.....
wife:nothing!  youve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour
husband: yeah, i was looking for the EXPIRY DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on May 28, 2010, 05:33:11 PM

Yana neman tsira kenan  ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on May 30, 2010, 09:04:14 AM

dont mind d fool, bai san duk haka muke ba! must be d X chromosome

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on June 05, 2010, 11:52:38 PM

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to Ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she Would go to Italy to secretly have the child..

If she stayed in Italy To raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child  Turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.


To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And Write  'Spaghetti'  on the back. He would then arrange for the Child Support  payment to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'You received a very strange postcard today,' she said.

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he replied. The Wife  obeyed.


And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.     
Three with meatballs, two without.           
Send extra sauce.
 

.



__,_
 
 
 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on June 07, 2010, 09:49:34 AM

lol kurika yi a hankali kada mutum ya shake
wai, spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Suleman on June 08, 2010, 12:41:06 PM

Isaac:  "Dat burial wey I go yesterday, you see the coffin? Jesus, it is made of polished mahogany with a glass top".
Emeka: "mtttshew, see you, to say you see de coffin wey I burry my mama last year ehn?.... Die for hungry you".

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on June 08, 2010, 11:52:12 PM

kai, super coffin ke nan!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Bayya on June 09, 2010, 12:04:17 PM

 

    Abi!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on June 09, 2010, 05:34:15 PM

                    IN - HOUSE MEMO
 



TO:            My Darling & Sweetheart
FROM:        Your One & One only
SUBJECT:    FIFA World Cup 2010 – Holding between June 11 and July 11 2010  
DATE:        June 04, 2010

My Sweetheart, you know that there is nobody like you! My love for you is as solid as Mount Everest . You also know that I love football – abi???
World Cup 2010 will start on June 11 and it’s very important that I send this memo in advance as notice that things may have to change during this period. FIFA has already endorsed the memo.
                        
Please endeavour to read the sports section of all your favorite newspapers so that you are adequately aware of the goings on regarding the World of Soccer. This will enable us have fruitful conversations during the period and prevent any complaints of inadequate attention noting that all conversations during the said period, will be mainly about the “mundial”.
 
•        During the World Cup, the LCDTV in the living room, becomes mine – every time I am at home.    
          Please act as if the African Magic Channels do not exist during this period on this TV.
 
•        Please avoid passing in front of the TV during games.
 
•        When matches are on, I may be blind, deaf and mute unless I require a refill of my drink or need
          something to chop!

•        Please, please and please!! If you see me upset during or after any match DO NOT say “it’s only a
         game” because it is  not. It is more than a game!
 
•        Feel free to sit with me to watch the games but reserve all discussions for half time and
          only when the  advertisements / commercials are on.

•        Please note that action replays are as important as the main thing!
 
•        Finally please advise your friends and in fact our families NOT to arrange any gatherings that require
          my attendance  as I WILL NOT GO O!!!!!!
 


Thank you my darling for your cooperation and understanding.
I know you love me too!!!!!!
Your one and only sweetheart   - It is a goal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 


Best Regards

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on June 09, 2010, 11:20:16 PM

ha ha, this guy is loco!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Suleman on June 10, 2010, 02:05:41 PM

A friend told me this one.
A Japanese lady was seconded to my friends office in Germany and they got talking. He asked her how she was coping, as she said she had never been outside of Japan. She answered that it took her a bit of time to adjust especially the food. She mentioned that in Japan they eat 'cat meat' and found it a bit difficult to buy them (for food) in Germany. My friend said that was because it was not legal to kill them for food, but she rejected his claim saying "cat meat is sold even at the supermarkets". She said that one day she was going round in the supermarket and she came into this row with cats on tins of all colors; since then she said she had never had to worry about where to buy her 'cat meat'.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on June 11, 2010, 10:06:31 AM

Hahaha, she was eating cat food all along.

The memo got me laughing all day.
Thank God nowadays they watch football too.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on June 11, 2010, 11:18:17 AM

Quote from: gogannaka on June 11, 2010, 10:06:31 AM

Hahaha, she was eating cat food all along.

The memo got me laughing all day.
Thank God nowadays they watch football too.

believe it or not alot of those women had to tolarate it as a way of keeping d men at home.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on June 11, 2010, 11:58:34 AM

Eyya sometimes you just have to make peace.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on June 18, 2010, 11:01:09 AM

 
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on June 18, 2010, 05:28:32 PM

Wata gobara ce ta tashi a wani kasuwa. Wuta tana ta ci tana kone shagunan mutane. Ka san inyamuri da kudi, ga rashin tawakkali. Gashi kuma akwai shagunan inyamurai da yawa a kasuwar. Wuta na ci, jama'a nata kokarin kashewa. Su kuwa inyamurai sai ihu suke suna ta "Chineke!!!".
To, wani basakkwace yana gefe yana kallon ikon Allah. In ya waiga nan, sai yaga inyamuri ya dafe kai yana kiran "Chineke". Can sai dan uwan shi ya zo ya tambaye shi , "Shin, Lawalli, in ji dai wutagga bata kame kowa ciki ba?". Sai ya amsa, "A,a. Ina zaton walla Chineke dai acciki shika kone wa!!"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on June 18, 2010, 11:06:08 PM

babbar magana

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on June 19, 2010, 07:50:27 AM

Subject: missing husband


 







Missing Husband

A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband:

Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don't remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog (Romeo), tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.

The woman started crying
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on June 20, 2010, 11:19:52 PM

LOL Karen ya fi daraja ga bisa dukkan alamu.

I got this one from a friend on facebook:

A woman took her child who was sick 2 D hospital. D doctor asked her:'how old is he?woman:"2yrs old .doctor:"what food do u give him?"woman:"cerelac custard,goldenmorn,tea bread and butter,"d baby said,"doctor na lie o,morning gayi,afternoon gayi,night gayi,everday gayi gayi!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on June 21, 2010, 10:04:39 PM

smart boy!! asiri ya tonu.

this one i heard from my cuz' wife, she has a neighbour whose child is about 18mos n still breast feeding, the girl can talk n people keep telling d mother, wean ur baby since she can walk n talk, wat are u waiting for? still d woman refused, until one day, she was feeding d girl n some people walked in, d next thing d girl lifted her head and said clearly for all to hear, MAKE UNA COME JOIN ME!!!!!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on June 24, 2010, 10:43:25 PM

WHICH PEOPLE????????
 
 Wife goes to the supermarket and buys her husband a dozen underwear of the same colour.

When she returns home and gives him his present, the husband is thrilled till he opens the parcel. Then he protests:

“Why buy me same colour? People will think I do not change underwear!”

The wife asks: “Which people?”
 
 

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: EMTL on June 25, 2010, 09:26:49 AM

Assalamu alaikum, Allura ta tona galma?

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on June 25, 2010, 09:54:12 AM

Quote from: ummutameem on June 24, 2010, 10:43:25 PM

WHICH PEOPLE????????
 
 Wife goes to the supermarket and buys her husband a dozen underwear of the same colour.

When she returns home and gives him his present, the husband is thrilled till he opens the parcel. Then he protests:

“Why buy me same colour? People will think I do not change underwear!”

The wife asks: “Which people?”

Hahahaha!
Slip of tongue.
Lallai allura ta tono garma.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dan-Borno on June 25, 2010, 04:00:06 PM

an gaisheku gogannaka, ummut and bakangizo

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on July 09, 2010, 05:21:48 PM

Wahala when you visit  rich friends

Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and.....
              
Question: what would you like to have, fruit juice, soda, tea, chocolate, cappuccino, frapuccino  or coffee?  
Answer:    Tea please.
Question :  Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea?
Answer:    Ceylon tea please
Question :  how would you like it, black or white?  
Answer:    white
Question :    milk or fresh cream?  
Answer:    with milk
Question :    goat's milk or cow's milk?
Answer;    with cow's milk please
Question :    freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?  
Answer:    umm, think I'll just take it black
Question :    would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
Answer:    with sugar
Question :    beet sugar or cane sugar?
Answer:    cane sugar
Question :    white, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer:   Oya, forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead
Question :    mineral water, tap water or distilled water?
Answer:    mineral water
Question :    flavored or non-flavored?  
Answer:     I think I'll skip the drink. I'm not thirsty anymore. Thanks.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on July 09, 2010, 10:43:41 PM

ha ha, nice one. next time u r visiting, FAST, ll saves alot of time n annoyance.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: nasr19 on July 18, 2010, 04:32:17 AM

Quote from: ummutameem on July 09, 2010, 10:43:41 PM

ha ha, nice one. next time u r visiting, FAST, ll saves alot of time n annoyance.

 really nice one! but Ummutameem, fasting may not save you....

Question: what would you like to have, fruit juice, soda, tea, chocolate, cappuccino, frapuccino  or coffee?
Answer:    Nothing. I'm fasting

Question: Will you like to wait in the living room, in the garden or by the swimming pool?
Answer: living room please

Question: Will you like to watch the TV, listen to radio, read newspapers or magazines?
Answer: TV will be fine

Question: Satellite or local channels
Answer: Just give me the remote

Question: Which remote: TV, DSTV, Hi-TV, Satellite receiver or external antenna?
Answer: Thanks. Just say I came in briefly. Bye.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on July 18, 2010, 11:19:37 AM

ha ha ha ha............OMG, people r smthing else, u r right fasting may not help, we can try avoiding them altogether!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on July 19, 2010, 10:34:30 AM

LOL,
Nasr good one!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on July 22, 2010, 11:21:38 PM

A little girl speaks speaks to her mother
"Mummy, all the boys down at the play park really like to watch me doing handturns"
 Mummy replies
 "Oh dear, they just want to see your knickers"
Little girl
" I know mummy. That's why I've got them in my pocket"

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on July 28, 2010, 05:36:29 PM

Quote from: nasr19 on July 18, 2010, 04:32:17 AM

Quote from: ummutameem on July 09, 2010, 10:43:41 PM

ha ha, nice one. next time u r visiting, FAST, ll saves alot of time n annoyance.

 really nice one! but Ummutameem, fasting may not save you....

Question: what would you like to have, fruit juice, soda, tea, chocolate, cappuccino, frapuccino  or coffee?
Answer:    Nothing. I'm fasting

Question: Will you like to wait in the living room, in the garden or by the swimming pool?
Answer: living room please

Question: Will you like to watch the TV, listen to radio, read newspapers or magazines?
Answer: TV will be fine

Question: Satellite or local channels
Answer: Just give me the remote

Question: Which remote: TV, DSTV, Hi-TV, Satellite receiver or external antenna?
Answer: Thanks. Just say I came in briefly. Bye.

Good one, nasr19  ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on July 28, 2010, 08:50:52 PM

RUSSIA: we were the first on space.
USA: we were the first on the moon.
NIGERIA: we will be the first on the sun.
USA: you cant land on the sun, it is too hot!
NIGERIA: we are not stupid, we will go at night.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on November 14, 2010, 10:06:47 PM

  Why I'm divorced . . .

  Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..   

  I went downstairs for breakfast   
  hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,   
  'Happy Birthday!',   
  and possibly have a small present for me.   

  As it turned out,   
  she barely said good morning,   
  let alone   
' Happy Birthday.'   

  I thought....   

  Well, that's marriage for you,   
  but the kids....   
  They will remember.   

  My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
  and didn't say a word..   
  So when I left for the office,   
  I felt pretty low   
  and somewhat despondent.   

  As I walked into my office,   
  my secretary Jane said,   
  'Good Morning Boss,   
  and by the way   
  Happy Birthday ! '   
  It felt a little better   
  that at least someone had remembered.   

  I worked until one o'clock ,   
  when Jane knocked on my door   
  and said, 'You know,   
  It's such a beautiful day outside,   
  and it is your Birthday,   
  what do you say we go out to lunch,   
  just you and me..'   
  I said, 'Thanks, Jane,   
  that's the greatest thing   
  I've heard all day.   
  Let's go !'   

  We went to lunch.   
  But we didn't go   
  where we normally would go.
  She chose instead at a quiet bistro   
  with a private table.   
  We had two martinis each   
  and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.   

  On the way back to the office,
  Jane said, 'You know,   
  It's such a beautiful day...   
  We don't need to go straight back to the office,   
  Do We ?'   

  I responded,   
  'I guess not.   
  What do you have in mind ?'   
  She said,   
 'Let's drop by my apartment,   
  it's just around the corner..'   

  After arriving at her apartment,   
  Jane turned to me and said,

  ' Boss, if you don't mind,   
  I'm going to step into the bedroom   
  for just a moment.   
  I'll be right back.'   
  'Ok.' I nervously replied.   

  She went into the bedroom and,   
  after a couple of minutes,   
  she came out   
  carrying a huge birthday cake ...   
  Followed   
  by my wife,   
  my kids,   
  and dozens of my friends   
  and co-workers,   
  all singing 'Happy Birthday'.   


  And I just sat there....   

  On the couch....   

  Naked.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on November 18, 2010, 05:22:20 PM

 :o :o ;D ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: gogannaka on December 06, 2010, 10:37:46 PM

A guy was having sex with a village gurl without a condom, she realises this, and says....,you dont have AIDS sha? Abi you have? the guy replied, no ohhh!....the gurl said,,, ah"thank God, because I dont ever want to catch that thing again......

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on December 14, 2010, 03:17:01 PM

And he fainted right away, abi? ;D

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: ummutameem on December 22, 2010, 12:21:00 PM

ha ha ha, u guys r killing me!

i saw dis today:
a couple agreed dat whenever they want to make love they ll talk in codes.

one day d husband sent his son to d kitchen to tell d wife dat she shld come he wants to make a call, she sent d son back wit: tell ur dad im out of coverage, he sent back dat if she doesnt come he ll go make d call elsewhere, n she sent back: tell ur dad if he does dat im going to open a call center here!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on January 03, 2011, 12:32:57 AM

A rude joke

Husband ,to wife in bed "I'm tired of all this foreplay nonsense. Lets make it simple. If I feel like having sex I'll just lean over and stroke your breast. If you feel like initiating sex just lean over and pull my p*nis. If you don't feel like it just pull it 100 times!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on January 04, 2011, 07:42:44 AM

Tone it down a bit, Dave.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on January 13, 2011, 11:43:17 PM

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.


 Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
Chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. .

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
Gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the
Swaying watch, until, suddenly, the chain broke, it slipped from the
hypnotist's' fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back.

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on January 25, 2011, 05:24:11 PM

Wife:  What's wrong with you?!! I called you on the phone to tell you I had a flat tyre, and a vulcanizer was working on it, and you sounded over the top!

Husband: Ah! Sorry. I thought you said you were tired in a flat and a womanizer was working on you ???

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on March 11, 2011, 12:42:15 AM

My wife was standing nude,  looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and  said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I  really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's  damn near perfect."

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on April 04, 2011, 11:22:40 PM

lol

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: bakangizo on April 06, 2011, 01:06:59 PM

A lady sent a text message to her man:
If u are happy, send me your smiles.
If u are crying, send me your tears.
If u are eating, send me your food.
If u are sleeping, send me your dreams.
...If u are in the bank, send me the money.
The man replied: I am in the TOILET!

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: IBB on April 09, 2011, 11:54:07 AM

So I will send you my shit? LOL

Title: Re: Make Me Laugh!
Post by: Dave_McEwan_Hill on November 29, 2011, 12:58:33 AM

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO  FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1.. It's important to  have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time,  cleans up,  and has a job.
 
2. It's important  to have a woman who can make you
laugh.
 
3. It's  important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie  to you.
 
4. It's important to have a woman who is  good in bed,
and likes to  be with you. 
 
5. It's very, very important that these four  women
do not know each other.