Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Topics - Dave_McEwan_Hill

Pages: [1] 2
General Board / Fraud
« on: February 10, 2009, 07:39:24 PM »
An email I received today. This sort of stuff emanating from fraudsters in Nigeria is being distributed daily across the world and is giving Nigeria a bad name

Dear beloved,
Due to the sudden death of my husband General Sanni Abacha the former head
of state of Federal Republic of Nigeria in June 1998, I have been thrown
into a state of anybody within my country.

I got your contacts through personal research,and had to reach you through
this medium concerning my status here. I will give you more details when
you reply. Due to security network placed on my daily affairs I cant visit
abroad so that is why I have contacted you to assite and partner with me
and my Son Mohammed to invest some of our funds abroad.

My husband deposited some funds with an investor,whose name is witheld for
now till you communicat and let me know how serious and willing you are to
handle this issue for me and my Son Mohammed.

I will be happy if you can handle this funds and keep it safe I assure you
something good out of the funds in return for your assistance, while you
will be assisting us in setting up a lucrative business in your country or
anywhere in the world which will be under your supervision with the
remaining balance of the fund,since we cant move out of the country for
security reason with the government.

I will need your telephone/mobile numbers so that we can commence
communication. and your full contact informations.

Sincerely Yours,
Hajia Mariam Abacha

General Board / "Religious" misbehaviour
« on: November 13, 2008, 12:20:12 PM »
Pretty worrying stuff
If Nigeria is to move forward it has to deal severely with religious zealots of all kinds and all those who use religion to damage or exploit others

General Board / US Election
« on: November 03, 2008, 09:10:07 PM »
I had hoped we might get Jack on the site again giving us the info on what is going on in the US elections.
It looks like Obama for president but it has been pretty disgusting watching large sections of the Republican party playing the race card.
God save the world if McCain and Palin win.

I liked one report. When a Democrat spokesman was asked to explain why folks should vote for someone (Obama) who lacked experiece he replied  "So you think they should vote for someone who was stupid enough to get himself captured four times when he was in the military"

Literature / First visit
« on: April 15, 2008, 11:24:40 PM »

Just to let you  know I have made my first visit to the Literature section!

General Board / Offensive
« on: February 03, 2007, 02:54:08 AM »
I generally do not like censorship but I am happy to see two recent topics locked. Deliberately offensive and deeply stupid posts have no place in civilised debate. It is not acceptable either to treat forumites with whom you disagree as if they are idiots or to put words into their mouths or ascribe to them views they do not hold.
If you can't understand the points we are making it is not wise to publicly display this ignorance.

General Board / Warning
« on: January 16, 2007, 08:28:58 PM »
I am shocked to hear that Bertie Vogts has been apointed the manager of Nigeria's soccer team. In his last job he was sacked as Scotland's manager having taken Scotland to the worst results in all its soccer History. He took Scotland from 25th in the world rankings to 86th place! Previous to that he was sacked by Qatar having taken them to the worst results in their history. Before that he was sacked by his own country. It became common knowledge that the senior German players took over the running of the team from Vogts half way through the World Cup campaign. In fact in his first game in charge of Scotland the senior players took over at half-time as Scotland were at that point 2-0 down to the Faeroe Islands (which has a population smaller than Wudil).
The only significant thing about Vogts in his last two jobs is that when sacked he got huge sums of money as compensation for his contract. He will do the same to Nigeria. He is probably the worst manager in the world.

chit-chat / Amazing
« on: January 14, 2007, 01:07:35 AM »
If you can go onto You Tube and look for " Andy MacLachlan" you will see a close neighbour and friend of mine doing an amazing thing with a chain saw.

Dave McEwan Hill

chit-chat / what a fool!
« on: January 13, 2007, 10:21:58 PM »
How I lost my job, my secretary – and my wife!
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and, by the way, Happy Birthday." It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, iIt's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day… We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment.  It's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, my boss and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there... on the couch... with my trousers off!

chit-chat / Annual Darwin Awards
« on: January 12, 2007, 01:05:08 AM »
It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honour given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out. This year's winner was a real rocket scientist... HONEST! Read on...And remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY.

And the nominees were:

Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of  getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy  alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
Semifinalist #3
> A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker,  taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and  hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said  investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.  "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the  distance between
the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate – was hospitalized.
Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power,etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as “bright” by his peers.
Now ladies and gentleman, the winner of this year's Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously).
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smouldering metal embedded
in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow got hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields.

He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 pilots under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.
You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?


chit-chat / Polite joke
« on: January 09, 2007, 12:39:56 AM »
There was a man who worked for the post office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.  He thought he should open it to see what it was about,
The letter read:-

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.  Yesterday someone stole my purse.  It had £100.00 it in which was all the money I had until my next pension.  Next Sunday is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money I have nothing to buy food with.  I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
 The postal worker was touched and showed the letter to all the other workers.  Each one dug into his or her pocket and came up with a few pounds.  By the time he made his rounds he had collected £96.00 which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
 The rest of the day the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would share with her friends.  Christmas came and went
 A few days later another letter came from the same old lady addressed to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:-
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?  Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.  We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way there was £4.00 missing.  I think it must have been those bastards working at the Post Office.

chit-chat / Greetings
« on: December 28, 2006, 01:09:25 PM »
I left a crowded church service in Dunoon, Argyll Scotland last night aware of how prosperous and comfortable and safe all the people at the service were and I thought of the thousands and thousands of dead in Iraq and poor people of Darfur huddling in the cold Chad desert nights in flimsy makeshift tents in fear of what terror today or tomorrow might bring them.
 I would like to wish all forumites, of whatever religion and none, a happy Christmas and a hopeful New Year but this is very difficult to do against the background of the great evil that is about in the world today –and the utter uselessness of the UN  - and the US and the UK who have the power to do something about this but instead choose to wage illegal wars and invasions and pay billions of dollars for nuclear weapons.

For New Year for Nigeria I hope that democracy will hold. Nigerian democracy, infested  as it is at the moment by corrupt politicians, is still the best way forward. It may take a long time but eventually it is the only way and it will happen that Nigerian politics gets cleaned up if given enough time.
I hope that in time the voters of Nigeria (to paraphrase Martin Luther King) will start to judge their politicians by the content of their characters and not by their tribe or their religion.

I hope that one day soon Nigeria will produce a man who wants nothing but the clothes he stands up in and the political power to make Nigeria the great country it should be.

I remember with great respect the late Mallam Aminu Kano whose wisdom was lost to Nigeria just as it was most needed.

On an individual basis I intend to continue sending harmless rooood jokes. If you don’t like them you don’t have to read them!
I suggest that Husnaa sends Waziri a copy of Schindlers List – a true depiction of the slaughter of millions Europe’s Jews by the Nazis. Waziri says it didn’t happen despite the evidence of millions of corpses, awful photographs and many Germans executed for the part they played in the killings.
The fact that Israel today is wicked doesn’t mean that the Holocaust didn’t happen.
And the fact that the government in Sudan is Islamic doesn’t mean it isn’t doing wicked things.
I hofe Mudacris keefs uf his feculiar fosts. I think “cika” may be the word for corner in Hausa.
I’ve been a naughty boy with some of my jokes which have been too roood. I think the best punishment for me would be for Husnaa to give me good spanking.
I will leave you with the words of Robert Burns which represent my dearest wishes
“ For a’ that and a’ that
It’s coming yet for a’ that
That man to man the world over will brothers be, for a’ that”
Burns has been translated into virtually every language. We need a Hausa version.

Su dai yan-adam, ana haifuwarsu ne duka yantattu, kuma kowannensu na da mutunci da hakkoki daidai da na kowa. Suna da hankali da tunani, saboda haka duk abin da za su aikata wa juna, ya kamata su yi shi a cikin yan-uwanci.

David McEwan Hill

chit-chat / Super Screen Saver
« on: December 22, 2006, 12:52:38 AM »
Yu grab him with your cursor and throw him all over the place.
Give it a try

chit-chat / Words of Wisdom
« on: December 19, 2006, 02:48:32 PM »
Words of Wisdom
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
No man has ever been shot while washing the dishes.  
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away a week before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
It isn't the jeans that makes your bum look big.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
Never lick a steak knife.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.  
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

General Board / UK
« on: September 16, 2006, 01:01:22 AM »
I note there are a lot of Nigerians in this forum contributing from UK. There are many Nigerian students in Scotland. Are any contributing to Kano Online.

General Board / US atrocities in Iraq
« on: June 06, 2006, 12:17:10 AM »
This short film says it all about America's evil in Iraq.

David McEwan Hill

Pages: [1] 2

Powered by EzPortal