Author Topic: Make Me Laugh!  (Read 411496 times)

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Offline Dave McEwan Hill

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #315 on: August 02, 2007, 10:58:46 AM »
Blonde Jokes

>
>
>
>BLONDE LOGIC
>     Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,
 and
>one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...
>Florida or the  moon?'
>     The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see
 Florida
>?????'
>
>CAR TROUBLE
>     A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
 mechanic it
>died.
>     After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
>     She says, 'What's the story?'
>     He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
>     She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
>
>SPEEDING TICKET
>     A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
 nicely
>if he could see her license.
>     She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act
 together.
>Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me
 to
>show it to you!'
>
>RIVER WALK
>     There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
 
>another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I
 get
>to the other side?'
>     The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
 shouts
>back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
>
>AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
>     A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
 that
>her body hurt wherever she touched it.
>     'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
>The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
 then
>she  pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
>screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
>touched made her scream.
>     The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
>     'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
>     'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
>
>KNITTING
>     A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
 freeway.
>Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
 the
>wheel was knitting!
>     Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and
 siren, the
>trooper  cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
 'PULL
>OVER!'
>     'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
>
>BLONDE ON THE SUN
>     A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
 Russian
>said, 'We were the first in space!'
>     The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
>     The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the
 sun!'
>     The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
 
>heads.  'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said
 the
>Russian.
>     To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're
 going
>at night!'
>
>IN A VACUUM
>     A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
 She
>rolled the  dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
 'If
>you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
>     She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
>
>FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
>      A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
 dogs,
>and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying
 that
>one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
>     Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like
 that?'
>'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond.  'They're watch dogs!'
>
>
>
>
>

Offline IBB

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #316 on: August 08, 2007, 11:19:46 PM »
MBA v/s Engineer



This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a

competition organized in Britain and this joke was sent by a Pakistani......

An MBA and an Engineer go on a camping trip,

set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend.

"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."




The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" The MBA ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are

millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.



Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Economically there are mass scales of stars in the sky.


So "Economy of Scale " would be the ideal strategy in that market.

Strategically such market would be a volume driven market

Financially it would be a low margin market.

From HR point of view we would require huge manpower

What does it tell you?"


The Engineer is silent for a moment, then speaks.
 
 
"Practically"




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"Someone has stolen our TENT"
IHS

Offline HUSNAA

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #317 on: August 09, 2007, 03:38:09 AM »
that was very funny. It shuld be the nerd versus the layman actually  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Ghafurallahi lana wa lakum

Offline IBB

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #318 on: August 09, 2007, 07:23:05 PM »
Abi? lol
IHS

Offline amira

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #319 on: August 13, 2007, 07:47:15 PM »
A bunch of hippies lol
*Each day is definately defining me and finding me*

Offline Dave McEwan Hill

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #320 on: August 13, 2007, 11:39:51 PM »
This guy goes into the doctor and says " Doctor, Doctor, I need your help. I keep thinking I'm a moth."
Doctor replies " Can't help you. I'm a medical doctor. It's a psychiatrist you need. There's one further up the road."
Guy replies " I know. That's where I was going. But I couldn't pass your office. Your light was on!"

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #321 on: August 19, 2007, 11:34:33 AM »
Dave my man...keep doin it man...lol!

Check this out...!

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.  Upon her return, her father greeted her, "Where have ye been all this time?  Why did ye not write to us, even a line?  Why didn't ye call?  Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

 The girl, crying, replied, "Father, I became a prostitute."

 "Ye what!!!?  Out of here, ye shameless harlot!  Sinner!  You're a disgrace to this family."

  "OK, dad, as ye wish.  I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, and for both of you a title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.  For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye, daddy, a new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Country Club....and an invitation for ye to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera and...."

 "Now what was it ye said ye'd become?" dad interrupts.

 The girl, crying and sniffing again, says, "A prostitute, dad!"

  "Oh!!  Be Jesus!  Ye scared me half to death, girl!  I thought ye said a 'Protestant'.  Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
...He begot not, nor is He begotten!
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Offline Mufi

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #322 on: August 19, 2007, 05:35:07 PM »
LOL! thats what the world has come to, parent's not caring what their kids are doing as long as they the big bucks or as the saying the "big Bacon" ;D ;D ;D
Life is like a flower; more exquisite and precious when shared with others.

Offline HUSNAA

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #323 on: August 19, 2007, 05:46:43 PM »
Dave my man...keep doin it man...lol!

Check this out...!

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.  Upon her return, her father greeted her, "Where have ye been all this time?  Why did ye not write to us, even a line?  Why didn't ye call?  Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

 The girl, crying, replied, "Father, I became a prostitute."

 "Ye what!!!?  Out of here, ye shameless harlot!  Sinner!  You're a disgrace to this family."

  "OK, dad, as ye wish.  I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, and for both of you a title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.  For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye, daddy, a new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Country Club....and an invitation for ye to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera and...."

 "Now what was it ye said ye'd become?" dad interrupts.

 The girl, crying and sniffing again, says, "A prostitute, dad!"

  "Oh!!  Be Jesus!  Ye scared me half to death, girl!  I thought ye said a 'Protestant'.  Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

Oh that was just so so funny!!! hehehehe
Wannan kuma, wa'yansu 'yan uwa, wa da kani, sukaje gaida mahaifiyar su a lokaci daya, amma kowa tafiyar sa dabam take. Sana'ar wan, malamin makaranta ne, tsakanin primary ko secondary. Shi kuma kanin wani hamshakin attajiri ne. Sai suka gamu a soron gidan da mahaifiyar tasu take, suka sa akayi sallama da mahaifiyar su. Ka fin ta fito ta tarad da su a zaure, sai gaddama ta kaure tsakanin su; dama ba shiri suke yi da juna ba. Da yake wan ya fi kanin karfi, sai  ya kada shi har kasa ya same shi ya danne yana ta jibga. Can uwar tasu ta fito. Bata ankara ba sai ta gan su kicikici a kasa babban dan nata  ya maida kanin katifa. Sai ta saka hannuwan ta akan ta,  ta bazama cikin gida tana kururuwa ta na cewa:
"Wayyo, jama' a ku kawo mun gudunmawa, yau ga matacce zai kashe rayayye!"
« Last Edit: August 19, 2007, 05:55:31 PM by HUSNAA »
Ghafurallahi lana wa lakum

Offline IBB

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #324 on: August 19, 2007, 09:08:16 PM »
lol Nwa woh talaka ya shiga uku. Allah rufa mana asiri dunia da lahira
IHS

Offline Mufi

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #325 on: August 20, 2007, 12:10:16 AM »
Amin ya Rabbi IBB.

Here is another funny one.

NEVER LIE TO A WOMAN!!!!

 
 
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

Life is like a flower; more exquisite and precious when shared with others.

Offline kitkat

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #326 on: August 20, 2007, 09:26:04 AM »
 A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through
>           the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money
> his
>           parents gave him.
>
>
>           Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you
>           won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up
> with!
>
>           Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach
>           our dog BHOVA how to talk!"
>
>           "That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in
>           that program?"
>
>           "Just send him down here with R15,000" the boy says. "I'll get him
>           into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the R15,000.
>
>           About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
>           The boy calls his father again. "So how's BHOVA doing, son," his
> father asks.
>
>           "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just
>           won't believe this - they've had such good results with this
>           program that they've implemented a new ! one to teach the animals
> how to
>           READ!"
>
>           "READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get
> him
>           in that program?"
>
>           Just send R18,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends
> the
>           money.
>
>           The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
>           find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the
> dog.
>
>           When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all
>           excited. "Where's BHOVA? I just can't wait to see him talk and
> read
>           something!"
>
>           "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning,
>           just before we left to drive home, BHOVA was in the living room
> kicking
>           back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually
> does.
>
>           Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin'
>           around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'
>
>           The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a b*tch before he
> talks
>           to your Mother!"
>           "I sure did, Dad!"
>
>           "That's my boy!"

Offline bakangizo

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #327 on: August 20, 2007, 12:36:48 PM »
LOL ;D Keep them coming guys.

Offline HUSNAA

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #328 on: August 20, 2007, 08:13:28 PM »



                                                       Poor Bhova............
Ghafurallahi lana wa lakum

Offline Mufi

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #329 on: August 20, 2007, 09:03:22 PM »
Here is another piece that i find interesting and humurously amusing, may be some of you have come across it. Enjoy.

There was a young man who went overseas to study for quite a long time. When he returned, he asked his parents to find him a religious scholar or any expert who could answer his 3 Questions. Finally, his parents were able to find a Muslim scholar.

Young man: Who are you? Can you answer my questions?

Scholar: I am one of Allah (SubHana Wa Ta`ala )'s slaves and Insha-Allah (God willing), I will be able to answer your questions.

Young man: Are you sure? A lot of Professors and experts were not able to answer my questions.

Scholar: I will try my best, with the help of Allah(SubHana Wa Ta`ala).

Young Man: I have 3 questions:



1. Does God exist? If so, show me His shape.


2. What is thaqdir (fate)?


3. If shaitan (Devil) was created from the fire, why at the end he will be thrown to hell that is also created from fire. It certainly will not hurt him at all, since Shaitan (Devil) and the hell were created from fire. Did God not think of it this far?



Suddenly, the Scholar slapped the young man's face very hard.

Young Man (feeling pain): Why do you get angry at me?

Scholar: I am not angry. The slap is my answer to your three questions.

Young Man: I really don't understand.

Scholar: How do you feel after I slapped you?

Young Man: Of course, I felt the pain.

Scholar: So do you believe that pain exists?

Young Man: Yes.

Scholar: Show me the shape of the pain!

Young Man: I cannot.

Scholar: That is my first answer. All of us feel God's existence without being able to see His shape... Last night, did you dream that you will be slapped by me?

Young Man: No.

Scholar: Did you ever think that you will get a slap from me, today?

Young Man: No.

Scholar: That is takdir (fate) my second answer........ My hand that I used to slap you, what is it created from?

Young Man: It is created from flesh.

Scholar: How about your face, what is it created from?

Young Man: Flesh.

Scholar: How do you feel after I slapped you?

Young Man: In pain.

Scholar: Thats it. this is my third answer, Even though Shaitan (Devil) and also the hell were created from the fire, if Allah wants, insha-Allah (God willing), the hell will become a very painful place for Shaitan

Allah (swt) said:
"If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you." If you are not ashamed, pass this message on...only if you believe.

"Yes, I love Allah. Allah is my fountain of Life and My Savior. Allah keeps me going day & night. Without Allah, I am no one. But with Allah, I can do everything. Allah is my strength."

May Allah help us all to succeed... Ameen
 
 
Life is like a flower; more exquisite and precious when shared with others.

 


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