Make Me Laugh!

[Muhsin]

You made me laugh. ;DBKZ.

[gogannaka]

*Falls off*  ;D ;D ;D

Weeweechu...lol

[Konan]

lmao weeweechu lol dats so funny

[Konan]

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Konan]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 25 pounds?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £25. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[arubuta]

;D  ;D
his ferari

;D  ;D  ;D

[Dan-Borno]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings  account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank  because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She
placed her purse on his desk and replied,  '$165,000'.
 
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman  replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the
president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'

'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his  testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over
again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no
way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and  acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.  The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that
and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around
10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

[Muhsin]

That was perfectly funny. The 'better' woman was really tricky and cunning. Thus, even if she won't win the President, she at least and last won $100.00 of that foolish lawyer. LOL ;D ;D ;D

[Konan]

oh yh ive heard dis joke before lol i laughed so much

[gogannaka]

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

[Konan]

A very posh man was walking around the art gallery when he spotted one particular exhibit.

"I suppose this picture of a hideous vampire is what you call modern art," he said very pompously.

"No sir," replied the assistant, "that's what we call a mirror."

;D

[Dan-Borno]

i dont know where to post this one sef.
early this morning when i came to my office,
as usual the "mai gadi" at the parking lot use
to welcome me and in most cases we engage
in talks about nigeria before and now.

the baba maigadi was a soldier and has fought
on the nigerian side during the country's civil
war with biafra, and he is well known for classified
stories about the war and world at large.

So, this mornign after exchanging the normal
pleasantries, i now asked   him "Baba yaya zaman
duniya"?  he shrugged and said "Alhamdulillah"
since we are alive and and in good health.  I was
trying to create a funny conversation which i
know he is good at.

I now went further and said, "amma baba ai kai
yanzu duk  wanda ya ganka yaga mai lafiya da
kuma kudi"  aha i don open his mouth and he sat
down to narrate this story of "BIRI DA FAKARA"
Biri means monkey, but FAKARA someone should
help with the translation.

Yace wai Fakara tana yawon neman abinci sai ta
fara cewa duniya duniya duniya duniya meaning
she is feeling hunger, oh this world.  meanwhile
mutumin ka yana bishiyan tsamiya yana ta shan
tsamiya and he replied Fakara me ke faruwa a
duniya? Fakara replied that there is no food and
the likes of biri will not allow the seeds to fall down
for them crawlers to pick.  Biri kam sai dariyan
mugunta while enjoying himself.

After a while, biri sai ya leko from the top of the
tree and found out that a hunter with about six
dogs surrounded the bishiyan tsamiya.  Wane mutum
sai biri ya rikice, the hunter shouted that he should
willingly come down for he is under arrest, and if
he did not come down peacefull necessary force
will be used against him (construction mine).

While the hunter is decided how to get at the monkey
the monke stylishly fell down from the other end of
the tree, kafin kace me, kafa me naci ban baki ba
he started running for his dear life.  He was pursued
by both the hunter and his dogs, fortunate enough
for the monkey he found a hiding heaven and the
dogs and hunter after thorough checking left the scene
while the monkey is in a state of coma.

After he work up from his comatose, Fakara was passing
by saying Duniya Duniya Duniya Duniya, then the monkey
interrupted breathing heavily, ke me kika gani a duniya,
har yanzu baki ga kome ba.

END OF STORY

While the story was been narrated to me, i laughed laughed
and laughed.  THen baba maigadi went ahead to answer
me, saying if one is complaining that he is feeling hungry,
then there is something which is more than hungry, and
that thing is FITINA or MASIFA just like what is illustrated
in the above story.

When you look at my country Nigeria, every blesseth day
you find people crying of inflation, corrupt leadership,
and poor management of public wealth and property.

All above when compared to the present crisis in Kenya,
Sudan, Somalia, Tchad, Baghdad, Afghanistan, Palastine
and other parts of the world that are clouded with wars
and crisis, you will find out that nigeria is a safe heaven.

So we should thank our Almighty Creator for ensuring
peace in Nigeria. 

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim
"...Alfitnatu ashaddu minal katli..."

[EMTL]

Assalamu alaikum,
A retired Soldier noted that each time people report to the Police station that there is an Armed Robbery taking place- inviting the police to help the Police always have excusses like- 'No fuel in our car', asking the reporter to sit and write long reports, etc. etc.

One day while an armed robbery operation was going on on the road near their town- He went to the Police station and reported:

Retired Soldier:'Officers, offiecrs.. a car belonging to a Bank has just had an accident... villagers are collecting morney from the truck instaed of helping... Pleasssssssssse go and assist. This time around the Police had no execuses they picked their car and roared towards the scene. Un-knowing to them instead meeting a Bank truck with New Naira notes flying around they ran into rain of bullets from the Robbers...... Allah Ya kiyaye

[waduz]

Everyday for the Police, one day for the robbers! Maganinsu kenan........................... ;D

[Dan-Borno]

Hey guys help me with this puzzle pls.

This is a story about three people (A, B and C)
crossing a desert. A hated C and decided to kill
him - he poisoned the water in his sack (only C had water).
B also wanted to kill C (not knowing that the water
of C had been already poisoned) and so B made a
hole into the sack of C and the water spilt out. A few
days later C died of thirst.

Who was the murderer - A or B?