Author Topic: Make Me Laugh!  (Read 407813 times)

0 Members and 3 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline Mufi

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Join Date: Sep 2006
  • Posts: 327
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #225 on: June 03, 2007, 03:34:43 PM »
Confession

A man is on his deathbed, and his wife is sitting by his side.

The man says to the wife: "Hon, I have to tell you something."

The wife replies: "Yes, you can tell me anything."

Man: "I slept with your sister"

Wife: "I know"

Man: "And your mom"

Wife: "I know"

Man: "I also slept with your secretary, Mary"

The wife puts a finger to his mouth and says "I know, my darling, now just relax and let the poison work".

 

Life is like a flower; more exquisite and precious when shared with others.

Offline Fateez

  • Super Member
  • *****
  • Join Date: Jan 2004
  • Posts: 605
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #226 on: June 03, 2007, 08:49:20 PM »
That was very funny!

Lemme give you a little suomething both Husnaa and Fateez will always frown at...lol!

The New Scientific Element Called Woman

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.



Hehehe...U knew we wudnt like it that why u HAD to post it, ko?

Anyways, dis na old gist now. It has been discussed in this forum before, ko ka manta?

Refer to this thread http://kanoonline.com/smf/index.php?topic=1523.0

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.    ~ Mark Twain


Offline *~MuDa~*

  • Moderator
  • Super Member
  • *****
  • Join Date: Jul 2003
  • Location: The Noble City Of Kano
  • Posts: 1650
  • Gender: Male
  • "With Great Strenght, Comes Great Responsibility"
    • View Profile
    • Free articles directory
Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #227 on: June 04, 2007, 07:43:59 PM »
*LOL @ TiZzle*... Oh Yeah? Wut about this?

HOW TO USE AN ATM MACHINE

MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of cheque book
19. Re-check make-up again
20. Drive forward two metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided
24. Re-check make-up
25. Re-start stalled engine and move off
26. Drive for 3 - 4 miles
27. Release hand brake
 
 
...He begot not, nor is He begotten!
www.articlesdir.co.cc

Offline HUSNAA

  • Super Member
  • *****
  • Join Date: Dec 2005
  • Location: In Limbo
  • Posts: 2944
  • Gender: Female
  • Life's but the blink of an eye:spend it gratefully
    • View Profile
Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #228 on: June 04, 2007, 08:15:34 PM »
Well the best thing about the above female way of getting cash from an ATM is that it is WHITE  WESTERN  WOMAN oriented. So we need not give it too much thought. Abi, find me an ATM in Nigeria, lol  ( and I will try out the manouvres ;D hehehehe!!)
Ghafurallahi lana wa lakum

Offline MySeLf

  • Super Member
  • *****
  • Join Date: Dec 2003
  • Location: RIGHT HERE
  • Posts: 590
  • Gender: Female
  • Yaah Allaaaah!
    • View Profile
Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #229 on: June 04, 2007, 10:54:54 PM »
find me an ATM in Nigeria, lol  ( and I will try out the manouvres ;D hehehehe!!)

Try fantasia super market, opposite central hotel.
I spotted one there and stop quickly and i was like wow! muma nigeria munci gaba
But when i get closer, kura ta cikashi fal ba abinda yake functioning......lol
!!!........................I STAND 4 ISLAM..........................!!!

Offline gogannaka

  • Global Moderator
  • Super Member
  • *****
  • Join Date: May 2003
  • Location: Kano
  • Posts: 3693
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #230 on: June 05, 2007, 10:41:49 AM »
LOL...Lallai Husnaa da Myself ba a nija kuke ba.
There are more ATM's in Kano than you could think of.Almost each branch of first bank,zenith bank,GTB etc has a 24hr ATM machine.
Just drive your car and make up kit to get your cash  :P
Surely after suffering comes enjoyment

Offline bakangizo

  • Super Member
  • *****
  • Join Date: Apr 2005
  • Location: Kano
  • Posts: 1925
    • View Profile
Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #231 on: June 05, 2007, 11:05:46 AM »
Since we are on the subject of the esteemed 8) femalefolk,


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"


The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Offline amira

  • Super Member
  • *****
  • Join Date: Jan 2006
  • Location: an island
  • Posts: 850
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #232 on: June 05, 2007, 04:18:19 PM »
Lol ;D ku dai maza..........
*Each day is definately defining me and finding me*

Offline MySeLf

  • Super Member
  • *****
  • Join Date: Dec 2003
  • Location: RIGHT HERE
  • Posts: 590
  • Gender: Female
  • Yaah Allaaaah!
    • View Profile
Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #233 on: June 05, 2007, 08:44:44 PM »

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

KAI BAKAN GIZO!!!  :o :o ;D 
!!!........................I STAND 4 ISLAM..........................!!!

Offline bakangizo

  • Super Member
  • *****
  • Join Date: Apr 2005
  • Location: Kano
  • Posts: 1925
    • View Profile
Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #234 on: June 06, 2007, 01:33:50 PM »
A Polish (someone from Poland, right? ahem! ::)) migrant worker went to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had  to  take   an eye sight test. The  optician  showed him a card with  the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "That's my next door neighbour!"


Amira, Myself; Don Allah one more and I'm off female joke. At least for now ;D


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies."

"Oh. ! Killing any?"

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females."

"How can you tell them apart?"

"Well, 3 were on a beer can,





2 were on the phone.
" ;D



Offline gogannaka

  • Global Moderator
  • Super Member
  • *****
  • Join Date: May 2003
  • Location: Kano
  • Posts: 3693
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #235 on: June 07, 2007, 11:55:10 AM »
An Open Letter To The Guy Who Stole My 11-Year Old Piece-Of-Junk Car


Dear Sir:

I don't know what attracted you to my car from the hundreds surrounding it in the Long Island Railroad commuter parking lot. Maybe it was the glimmer of metallic silver popping out from beneath the flaking bits of black paint. Perhaps it was the large piece of electrical tape covering the thin strip of what used to be plastic between the driver-side front and rear doors.

Whatever it was, something about my 1993 4-door Honda Civic with the deep dent above the left wheel well called out to you. You needed it, so you took it.

And that's okay. I'm sure I maintained my dignity walking around the parking lot trying to look like I knew where I left my car for over half an hour. When I finally realized it had left the premises without me, I became concerned because, as I'm sure you've realized by now, the car has some -- well, let's just call them "quirks" -- that you, as new owner of the piece-of-crap car, will have to deal with.

For starters, the head gasket blew just last week. Now I'm no mechanic, but, as I've been told, that's the reason why the temperature gauge shoots past the "H" and you get that nice hissing sound when you turn off the engine after a particularly hot ride. It costs about $1,100 to fix, but shop around. Maybe I was just getting hosed.

Oh, and you can't just put the key in and start the car (not that you have a key). You see, the gear lock sticks for some inexplicable reason -- alright, I never had it checked -- so you need to stick the key (or whatever you're using) in the gear release to shift out of park.

I'm sure that all of this means nothing to you because you probably just took it to some chop shop for the valuable decade-old Honda parts - assuming, of course, that the shop was local enough for you to make it without overheating.

If you do find yourself stuck on the side of the road, dig through the glove compartment -- I think my current AAA card is still in there. Maybe they can tow you the rest of the way.

So, in closing, enjoy your new possession, which I understand is now legally 9/10ths yours, and may it provide you with the cash to hold you over until you work up the nerve to steal a nice car.

I would, however, like my CDs back.

Sincerely yours,
Anthony Savona
Long Island, NY

*Anthony Savona is a writer and commuter who lives in the NY area.
Tony's car was recently stolen from a suburban NY train station parking lot. This is his 'open letter' to the still unknown thief.

Surely after suffering comes enjoyment

Offline kitkat

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Join Date: Mar 2004
  • Posts: 291
    • View Profile
    • http://www.cadbury.com
Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #236 on: June 07, 2007, 06:56:16 PM »
A man was beating his wife, his friend stopped him and said " kai mahaukaci, ba'a dukan mata, kishiya a ke musu"! On hearing this the woman stopped yelling and said " ci gaba da dukana maigida, dont mind him!

Offline MySeLf

  • Super Member
  • *****
  • Join Date: Dec 2003
  • Location: RIGHT HERE
  • Posts: 590
  • Gender: Female
  • Yaah Allaaaah!
    • View Profile
Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #237 on: June 07, 2007, 10:49:44 PM »
ci gaba da dukana maigida, dont mind him!

To yaci gaba da dukanta... hehehe!  ;D ;D
Inya kasheta ai shikenan, sai ayi kishiyar bayanta.... lol

Kai mata da kishi  ;D
!!!........................I STAND 4 ISLAM..........................!!!

Offline gogannaka

  • Global Moderator
  • Super Member
  • *****
  • Join Date: May 2003
  • Location: Kano
  • Posts: 3693
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #238 on: June 08, 2007, 08:49:53 PM »
Haba people,
Where are our good manners.
Mufi joined this forum and babu wanda ya yi mata lale maraba.

Haba Dan borno?this is part of your responsibilities.

Lucky you ALKN is on sabbatical he would have issued u a query.

Anty Husnaa?Myself?Amira?IBB?
Dukkanin ku ke yi mata sannu da zuwa idan ba haka ba na me and u  >:(
Surely after suffering comes enjoyment

Offline Dave McEwan Hill

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Join Date: Feb 2007
  • Posts: 58
    • View Profile
Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #239 on: June 08, 2007, 11:19:04 PM »
Two women meet in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to
get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found
him all by himself in the den watching TV.


1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
alive

 


Powered by EzPortal