Author Topic: Make Me Laugh!  (Read 407753 times)

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Offline HUSNAA

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #705 on: March 13, 2009, 11:08:24 AM »
Ko Grace ba! Amma shi Dan gayen fa? Ko dai Dan..... ne yan kankani?!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Dan gayen yayi kama da Kofi dan Ghana!!! ;D ;D ;D
Ghafurallahi lana wa lakum

Offline bakangizo

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #706 on: March 17, 2009, 06:20:20 PM »
FROM: FATHER

TO:         ALL DEPENDANTS AND RELATIVES

SUBJECT: FINANCIAL MELTDOWN



Unavoidably, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below and under no circumstance is any violation allowed.

 1.    The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones.
          Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from
          myself upon submission of written request.

         

2.      Breakfast is banned.  This matter is not     for discussion.

3.      Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam,
          eggs, bread and milk are Restricted.  Anyone intending to eat
          any of such food, must write to Me in triplicate, with three days
          notice, giving convincing nutritional reasons backed by a qualified
          dietician.

4.      Watering with hoses is banned.  Further,
          only food-giving plants shall be watered.  No lawns or flowers
          shall receive water.  For internal decoration, only plastic and
          dry-flower arrangements shall be permitted.

5.      Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 litres of water per day per person while bathing in the
         evening is banned unless there are medical reasons.


6.      Security lights are being removed with
          immediate effect.  All dependants shall abide by an all-night
          guard-duty roster I shall make available shortly.

7.       No dependant shall entertain friends indoors,
          far less attempt to offer food, drinks or even music.  Those who
          want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them.

8.       No one is allowed to talk to officials from
          police, Council or Court Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an
          instantaneous penalty of ejection from The House.
9.      Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in The House, shall immediately have to
         seek temporary employment somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s)..

10.      All visitors intending to spend a night/week or
          more shall apply in triplicate and give two months notice,
          with an endorsement from their town
          Mayor, Village Headman or Church Priest, giving convincing reasons
          why they can't stay home.  Failure to do this shall result in
          their being turned away upon arrival.


          THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER.

 


Offline gogannaka

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #707 on: March 18, 2009, 08:53:38 AM »
hahahahaha
Financial meltdown din fa kenan.
It will actually reduce spending cost.
Surely after suffering comes enjoyment

Offline Dan-Borno

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #708 on: March 18, 2009, 10:20:02 AM »
lol at item no. 2
"My mama always used to tell me: 'If you can't find somethin' to live for, you best find somethin' to die for" - Tupak

Offline waduz

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #709 on: March 18, 2009, 10:52:30 AM »
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow." ;D ;D

Offline EMTL

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #710 on: March 18, 2009, 03:46:36 PM »
Assalamu alaikum,
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?" The salesman explained "When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And Then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
 
"The hell it should had!? said the salesman. Didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left"!
 
In the Affairs of People Fear Allah (SWT). In the Matters Relating to Allah (SWT) Do not be Afraid of Anybody. Ibn Katthab (RA).

Offline HUSNAA

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #711 on: March 18, 2009, 03:51:58 PM »
Assalamu alaikum,
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?" The salesman explained "When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And Then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
 
"The hell it should had!? said the salesman. Didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left"!
 
that's a great one EMTL ;D ;D ;D ;D
Ghafurallahi lana wa lakum

Offline Dave_McEwan_Hill

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #712 on: March 19, 2009, 11:20:58 PM »
A woman went to the doctor for a thorough check-up
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I have some bad
> news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
>
> The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and  walk into the
> waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
>
> "Well ,daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
> celebrate when things don't go so well.  In this case, things
aren't well.  I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a few
 drinks".
>
> After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre.  There
> were some laughs and more martinis. They were  eventually approached by
> some of the woman's old  friends, who were curious as to what the two
> were celebrating.
>
> The woman told her friends they were drinking to her  impending end.
> "I've been diagnosed with AIDS". The friends were aghast,
gave the woman their condolences and  beat a hasty retreat.
>
> After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned  over and
whispered,
" Momma, I thought you said you were dying  of cancer, and you just told
 your friends you were dying of  AIDS! Why did you do that?"
>
 "Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
> after I'm gone".
>
> And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs in
> Order
maigemu

Offline bakangizo

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #713 on: March 28, 2009, 11:09:30 AM »
 ;D Trust women to be wicked.

Offline Dave_McEwan_Hill

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #714 on: March 30, 2009, 12:03:47 AM »
I like these………..

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
I knew a girl so ugly... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
maigemu

Offline MySeLf

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #715 on: April 22, 2009, 12:13:00 AM »
NIGERIAN POLICE:-
You're under arrest on suspicion of trying to steal a car Mazda 323,,, you have the right to remain silence,
anything you say may be use against you in the court of law....hehehe


SUSPECT:-

MAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYHHhh(she cried) ???



Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of the attempted robbery of a Mazda car 323.
Vigilantes took the animal to the police, claiming it was a criminal who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal the car.... Ha ha lol wonder never end!

!!!........................I STAND 4 ISLAM..........................!!!

Offline Firdausi

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #716 on: April 23, 2009, 08:17:26 PM »
WEIRD!!
Read zt somewhere......I guessed suspect is still under police custody & yet 2 change into human......Wata kila sai yasha duka!

Offline HUSNAA

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #717 on: April 24, 2009, 10:38:31 AM »
WEIRD!!
Read zt somewhere......I guessed suspect is still under police custody & yet 2 change into human......Wata kila sai yasha duka!
More likely sunyi parpesun kan akuya da suspect din sun bar mai mota yana hamma!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Ghafurallahi lana wa lakum

Offline Dave_McEwan_Hill

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #718 on: April 26, 2009, 07:30:15 PM »
A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab."

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.

"Hello," the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.


"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
 
   
 

 
 
 
maigemu

Offline Dave_McEwan_Hill

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #719 on: April 27, 2009, 08:05:01 PM »
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a young child's whisper.....

Hello?

- Hello there, is your daddy home? He asked.

Yes whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?

No the child whispered

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked

- Is your Mummy there?

Yes

- May I talk with her?

Again the small voice whispered, No

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,

- Is anybody else there?

Yes......... A Policeman whispered the child

Starting to become concernd and wondering what the Polce would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

- May I speak with the policeman?

No, he's busy whispered the child.

- Busy doing what?

Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,

- What is that noise?

A helicopter answered the whispering voice.

- Goodness, what is going on there? Demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive...

Again, whispering, the child answered

The search team just landed a helicopter

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,

- What are they searching for?

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

ME 
   
 
maigemu

 


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