Marriage and men's cruelty

[Mujib]

Marriage and men's cruelty
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Answered by Shaykh Gibril Haddad

Question:

A friend of mine is very depressed as she feels she cannot fulfill the rights of a wife if she is to get married. This is because she has unfortunately witnessed a cruelty from men towards her friends/family and therefore it?s very hard for her to trust any brother in general. I have talked to her and tried to explain that not everyone is the same and not every person is as cruel. She has found this hadith, which men exploit in order to oppress their wives. I was wondering if you could just give me some advice in what I should say/do for her to understand and maybe an explanation to the hadith given below inshallah?

The Messenger of Allah said, ''It is not right that any human being should prostrate to another human being, and if it were right for a human being to prostrate to another human being I would have ordered the women to prostrate to her husband due to the greatness of this right upon her. By Him in whose Hand is my soul, if from his foot to the crown of his head there was a wound pouring forth pus, and she (the wife) came and licked that, then she would (still) not have fulfilled his right.''

Footnote: Reported by Ahmad (3/159) and others. Its chain of narration is declared to be good by al-Mundhiree in at-Targheeb wat-Tarheeb (3/75), and it occurs in Saheehul Jaami' (no.7250)
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Wa `alaykum as-Salam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh:

There are many sisters, unfortunately, especially in the West, that feel unable to forgive the entire male population due to the sins of some of them and therefore court celibacy and shun marriage, committing a sin in the process if they are among those upon whom marriage is obligatory, which includes most people. It is a clich? that men are cruel; but in Islam we excuse neither misanthropy nor misogyny; nor do we say as Hamlet said to Ophelia, "Get thee to a nunnery." Rather, trust in your and their Creator and cherisher and look for someone whose Religion is strong and who treats a wife as Allah Most High and the Prophet, upon him blessings and peace,  ordered husbands to do: with kindness, gentleness, mercy, generosity, tenderness, forgiveness, good humor. May Allah grant this to every husband after Iman.

Our liege-lord `Umar narrated - Allah be well-pleased with him:

"The Messenger of Allah, upon him blessings and peace, went out one day with `Umar ibn al-Khattab. A woman came up to them and said to the Prophet: 'Messenger of Allah, I am a respectable Muslima but I have a husband in my house who is like a woman.' He said: 'Call your husband.' She called him - he was a cobbler - and the Prophet said to him: 'What do you say about your wife, `Abd Allah?' He replied: 'By the One Who honored you! I try my best with her. [lit.: My head has not remained dry away from her.]' His wife said: 'Hardly once a month!' The Prophet said to her: 'Do you hate him?' She said Yes. The Prophet said, upon him blessings and peace: 'Bring your heads close together.' He placed the woman's forehead against her husband's and said: 'O Allah! Make harmony between them and make them love one another.' Later, the Prophet was passing by the bedding market together with `Umar ibn al-Khattab, whereupon the same woman came out carrying skins on top of her head. When she saw the Prophet she threw them down, came over to him, and kissed his feet. The Prophet said: 'How are you with your husband?' She replied: 'By the One Who honored you! There is no new possession, nor old inheritance, nor child of mine dearer to me than him!' The Prophet said: 'I bear witness that I am the Messenger of Allah!' Whereupon 'Umar said: 'And I, too, bear witness that you are the Messenger of Allah!'"

Al-Bayhaqi narrated it with his prestigious chain through Imam al-Tirmidhi and his teacher Imam al-Bukhari - also from Jabir without mention of `Umar - in Dala'il al-Nubuwwa (6:228-229). Ibn Kathir mentions it in al-Bidaya wal-Nihaya. Imam al-Dhahabi said of al-Bayhaqi's Dala'il al-Nubuwwa: "You must take everything in that book for it consists entirely of guidance and light." Siyar A`lam al-Nubala' (Fikr ed. 15:39=Risala ed. 20:216, chapter on Qadi `Iyad).

As for the hadith cited in the question, it is narrated by Imam Ahmad, al-Bazzar, and al-Nasa'i thus:

One of the families of the Ansar had a camel which began to act difficult with them and not let them ride him. They came to the Prophet - upon him blessings and peace - and said: "We have a camel that is being recalcitrant and prevents us from riding him, and we need to water the date-trees and the plantations." The Prophet said to the Companions: Let us go. They went and entered the enclosure where the camel was. The Prophet - upon him blessings and peace - walked towards it and the Ansar exclaimed: "Ya Rasul Allah! He acts like a [wild] dog and we are afraid for you lest he act violent!" The Prophet replied: "He has no grudge against me." When the camel saw the Prophet it came towards him and fell prostrate in front of him. The Prophet - upon him blessings and peace - took its forelock and there was nothing more docile than that camel.  Then he took it to work. The Companions said: "Ya Rasul Allah! This is a brute beast and it prostrates to you! We, who are rational, ought all the more to prostrate to you." He said: "It is not fitting that any human being should prostrate to another human being and if it were, I would order woman to prostrate to her husband due to the greatness of his right over her."

The hadith is sahih to this point by the criteria of al-Bukhari and Muslim but NOT its continuation:

"By the One in Whose Hand is my soul! If the husband were from the bottom of his feet to the top of his head one big wound oozing with pus and matter, and she were to receive him and lick him, she still would not be repaying him his right in full." So the segment, "if from his foot to the crown of his head there was a wound pouring forth pus etc." is weak or very weak as shown by Shaykh Shu`ayb al-Arna'ut in his marginalia on the Musnad of Imam Ahmad (20:64-66 ?12614). This is not to say that it is forged but Allah knows best.

As for the explanation of the meanings of the weak segment:

(1) it is figurative; marriage is not about festering wounds and oozing pus but about patience in adversity together with many other aspects, some light and some grave; (2) it is a hyperbole destined to explain why Paradise is so easily gained by women provided they only keep Salat, fast Ramadan and obey their husbands whereas men have many more responsibilities.

Finally, (3) it should be read within the context of other hadiths counterbalancing it with an emphasis on wives' rights over their husbands and the overriding paradigm of the Prophetic model in the conjugal context. Otherwise all one gets is a caricature of marital duties as do those backwood tyrants who know nothing of marriage, nothing of the Qur'an, and nothing of Islam except the delusion that Allah loves for husbands to beat their wives!

Hajj Gibril


Source: Hanafi Fiqh List - //www.sunnipath.com

[gogannaka]

The Attributes of the Ideal Husband  


   Shaykh Saleh Al-Munajjid answered in response to a Muslim sister seeking advice about a husband:
We appreciate your eagerness to find out the attributes that will help you to choose a righteous husband, in shaaAllaah. There follows a description of the most important qualities, which should be present in the man whom you choose or accept to be your husband and the father of your children, if Allaah decrees that you will have children.

- Religious Commitment: This is the most important thing to look for in the man you want to marry. The husband should be a Muslim who adheres to all the laws and teachings of Islam in his daily life. The woman's guardian (wali) should strive to check out this matter and not rely only on outward appearances. One of the most important things to ask about is the man's prayer (salaah); the one who neglects the rights of Allaah is more likely to neglect the rights of others. The true believer does not oppress or mistreat his wife; if he loves her, he honors her, and if he does not love her, he does not mistreat or humiliate her. It is very rare to find this attitude among those who are not sincere Muslims. Allaah says: "And verily, a believing slave is better than a (free) Mushrik (idolater), even though he pleases you" [al-Baqarah 2:221]

"Verily, the most honorable of you with Allaah is that (believer) who has At-Taqwaa [i.e. he is one of the Muttaqoon (the pious)]" [al-Hujuraat 49:13] "Good statements are for good people (or good women for good men) and good people for good statements (or good men for good women)" [al-Noor 24:26]

The Prophet (sallallaaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said: "If there comes to you one whose religious commitment and attitude pleases you, then marry [your female relative who is under your care] to him, for if you do not do that, there will be tribulation on earth and much corruption." (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan al-Tirmidhi, 1084).

- As well as being religiously committed, it is preferable that he should come from a good family and a known lineage. If two men come to propose marriage to one woman, and they are equal in terms of religious commitment, then preference should be given to the one who comes from a good family that is known for its adherence to the commands of Allaah, so long as the other person is not better than him in terms of religious commitment - because the righteousness of the husband's close relatives could be passed on to his children and his good origins and lineage may make him refrain from many foolish and cheap actions. The righteousness of the father and grandfather are beneficial to the children and grandchildren.

Allaah says: "And as for the wall, it belonged to two orphan boys in the town; and there was under it a treasure belonging to them; and their father was a righteous man, and your Lord intended that they should attain their age of full strength and take out their treasure as a mercy from your Lord" [al-Kahf 18:82].

See how Allaah protected their father's wealth for the two boys after the father died, as an honor to him because of his righteousness and taqwaa. By the same token, if the husband comes from a righteous family and his parents are good, Allaah will make things easy for him and protect him as an honor to his parents.

- It is good if he has sufficient wealth to keep him and his family from having to ask people for anything. The Prophet (salawaatullaahi wa salaamuhu 'alaih) said to Faatimah bint Qays (may Allaah be pleased with her), when she came to consult him about three men who had proposed marriage to her, "As for Mu'aawiyah, he is a poor man who has no wealth?" (Narrated by Muslim, 1480).

- It is not essential that he should be a businessman or rich, it is sufficient for him to have an income that will keep him and his family from having to ask people for anything. If there is a choice between a man who is religiously committed and a man who is wealthy, then the religious man should be given preference over the wealthy man.

- It is preferable that he should be kind and gentle towards women. The Prophet (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said to Faatimah bint Qays, in the hadeeth quoted above, "As for Abu Jaham, his stick never leaves his shoulder", referring to the fact that he used to beat women a lot.

- It is good if he is sound of body and healthy, free of faults, sickness, etc., and not disabled or sterile.

- It is preferable that he should have knowledge of the Qur'aan and Sunnah.

- If you find someone like this it is good; otherwise you should realize that this is something rare.

- It is permissible for the woman to look at the man who comes to propose marriage, and for him to look at her This should be in the presence of her mahram, and it is not permitted to look more than is necessary, or for him to see her alone, or for her to go out with him on her own, or to meet repeatedly for no reason. According to Islam,the woman's wali (guardian) should check on the man who proposes marriage to the woman who is under his guardianship; he should ask those whom he trusts among those who mix with him and who know him, about his commitment to Islam and his trustworthiness. He should ask them for an honest opinion and sincere, sound advice.Before and during all of this, you must turn towards Allaah and pray to Him to make it easy for you and help you to make a good choice and to grant you wisdom. Then after all these efforts, when you have decided on a particular person, you should pray Istikhaarah, asking Allaah for, that that is good. Then after you have done your utmost, put your trust in Allaah, for He is the best of helpers, may He be glorified.

[Adapted from: "Jaami' Ahkaam an-Nisaa" By: Shaykh Mustafaa al-'Adawai]

[Twinkle]

This is one major interesting discussion. O gels, Chikahsss can we all hold it down here for some opinions? Mine is yet to follow


Gogannaka ONLY TWO in TWENTY men will you find with such good attributes!!!

[Depressed Wifee]

Salaam everyone!
Some men can really be cruel to someone who dedicated his life in serving them........Very Sad!
My husband brought me to Europe from Nigeria and badly miss treat me, i nearly die in his hand......... He use the opportunity of me being isolated from my friend and family, no where and nobody to turn to but him and treat me like a slave.....
I now left him few years back but still suffering, i can't get over it.
The extreme pain and the uncontrolled tears is not getting any better.
I Can't trust any man any more, i don't even want one near me.

I hope i will one day have the courage to come here and share my whole story with you guys.
For now i will just keep praying Allah ya isa Allah yasaka min.
And hope i will be able to get over it one day.
Maassalam!

[Hafsy_Lady]

Sistah I may not walk a mile in your shoe, but any womans pain is a pain to any woman (except the heartless). I dont know I think you made a post last year of the same thing. If you are that same person, then God! you are still holding to that at heart? It may be hard but am telling you woman! dont let man  turn you into anti male schizophrenic! You have a life to live. Allah subhana wata'ala made you and if you are living, he wants you to live a bidden life HE submits to humans. Life is full of trials and tribulations. You face so many issues in life, some may face worse than yours some may be less. But the most important thing is, in what ever situation you find yourself, hang in here and as long as you remember Allah you will not be left asunder.
Always recite
'La ila ha illah Anta subhanaka inni kuntum minnaz zalimyn
Be regular sayiny you Istigfar, your hamdalahs.

I dont know if you are familiar with a dua that the Prophet S.A.W ascribed to mankind. It is very powerful kuma ance any muslim that has never even made that du'a even once in his life time, Allah maybe unpleased. And what ever it is you are after consider it granted. And that if any muslim knows that du'a and does not pass it to another muslim, Allah yana fushi dashi. I will inshallah send the du'a anjima. I will have to get my book.

Plus am sure you are a good hearted woman, you have freinds, family, relatives who love you and am sure you have plenty admirers. All you have to do is break out of that shell and start living your life. Just because one man despised you does not mean another will do the same. There are many fishes in the river, you just have to use your bait and cath the right makarel.

Kyala dan banzan mutuminan, nemesis will follow him......shima duk matan da ya aure sai yaga jaraba. Even if he marry four! Allah said if some put you on their left hands, Lord of mankind put put you at his right and in your rights. Keep eyes open, Allah sai ya saka miki.

Woman! GET UP, WIPE THE DUST AND START LIVING AND LOVING. FEAR NO MAN BUT ALLAH. THESE THINGS CALLED "MEN"  :lol:  ARE NOTHING BUT HUMANS OF FLESH AND BLOOD SO DONT BE SCARED. Depression may be hard to overcome but it could be very well easy. Keep your self preoccupied at all time and around your loved onces.

NOW CHANGE THAT NAME STATUS TO SOME SWEET NAME!

[ummita]

Kyala dan banzan mutuminan, nemesis will follow him......shima duk matan da ya aure sai yaga jaraba. Even if he marry four!

lol Girl.....u badddddest fo'real, Depressed wife I will make a cumbck......I wan2 giv u hearts bt dis gul done killin met wit laugther! Plz dnt put a jinx on a guy.......HafsY.....no1 is above mistake......
D-wife......Allahs wit u straight up!

[MySeLf]

Depressed wife I will make a cumbck......

INSHA ALLAH SHE WILL.........AND CHI UBANSHI TOO.
MAY ALLAH HELP YOU THROUGH DEPRESSED WIFE, AND GIVE YOU THE ABILITY TO COPE WITH UR SON.
ABUSIVE MEN OUT THERE GET YOUR HEAD SORTED,
YOU DIFINITELY NEED HELP..........THE PROBLEM IS ISN'T YOUR WIFE BUT UR BRAIN.
GOT IT? UR BRAIN NOT UR WIFE OR KIDS.

[Hafsy_Lady]

Depressed wife I will make a cumbck......

INSHA ALLAH SHE WILL.........AND CHI UBANSHI TOO.

LOL
Are you sure Meetah will be capable of doing that? I for talk say make you assign me because would have loved to be assigned to do that  :twisted:

[Hafsy_Lady]

LA ILA HA ILALLAH, MUHAMMADAN RASULILAH, SALLAH ALAIH WA SAL-LAM :shock:

DEN, DEN, DEN,......SAI NA FADA.......AUNTY I, TAYI ZAGI A ISLAMIC FORUM..... :twisted: [/b]

[admin]

Assalamu alaikum;

We want to remind you that no Abusive words here! We may have to remove those posts!

Thanks

[mlbash]

THAT'S VERY GOOD MR. ADMIN, WANTED TO RAISE ALARM TOO!
DEAR MY RESPECTED SISTERS, I BELEIVED WE ARE ALL INTELLECTUALS AND MORALLY SOUND AND FIT TO VISIT THIS FORUM TO CONTRIBUTE TOWARDS MAKING A BETTER TOMORROW,THEREFORE NO ABUSIVE WORDS CAN BE TOLERATED WHATSOEVER!

[ummita]

THAT'S VERY GOOD MR. ADMIN, WANTED TO RAISE ALARM TOO

See ur mouth....then why didnt you do so.....
A'a am sure the sistahs meant no harm....but inshallah it wont happen again...

Sistah I.......its been long.....where have you hidden yourself? Am missing you wo!

[ummita]

The husband should be a Muslim who adheres to all the laws and teachings of Islam in his daily life.

How many of them are present in todays society?