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Make Me Laugh!

Started by bakangizo, May 04, 2005, 04:02:01 PM

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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to
be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get
it wrong


A man who had a terminal disease and was about to die said this to his wife who was holding his hand at that time.  "Darling ever since I married you just like the reverend said during our wedding; you,ve always been beside me. After our wedding when a car knocked me down while crossing the road, you were by my side until I recovered fully. When I was fired from my job as an executive from shell, you were right beside me and you consoled me throughout. Even when I lost all our savings on that business that went wrong, you were there beside me, and you know what dear?

Wife in between sobs answers yes my love?  Husband says "I think you are bad luck!

A woman holding a baby gets on a bus . The bus driver looks at them and says, "d*mn! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen"

In a huff, the woman slams her money into the fare box and goes to the rear of the bus . Then man seated next to her sees she 's agitated and asks what's wrong.
"The Bus driver insulted me " she fumes. That's outrageous!" Says the man "He 's a public servant and should not be insulting passengers" "Your are right ," the woman says, I think I'll go there and give him a piece of my mind"

" That's a good idea", says the man. "I'll hold your monkey".

One night, a pastor was going 4 night vigil.He meet some policemen on his way, they stopped him and asked for his particulars, he showed them. Then they asked 4 for his fire extinguisher, he showed them. Because they were determined to collect bribe from him and he was not ready to give them, they then asked him: " why are u driving alone at this time of the night?" He  answered and said: "I am not alone, God the father, the son, the holy spirit is with me, all angels in heaven are present here, the forty elders in heaven are present here in this car". The the policemen said "I will therefore charge you fpr over loading".

Two young boys were forever getting into trouble?..disrupting classes in school, teasing neighborhood children, taking what didn?t belong to them. One day their mother asked the pastor over to see if he could talk some sense into them. Rather than threaten or reprimand them, the pastor decided on a more subtle approach. He would try to help the boys see that God is everywhere, that He is aware of everything and is displeased when they acted wrongly. But the pastor wanted the boys to come to this conclusion on their own, so he began by asking some questions. ?Young men,? he intoned after having the boys sit down, ?I have a question for you. Where is God?? The two boys just sat there, unsure how to answer.

?Where is God?? the preacher repeated, a bit more firmly. ?Surely you know the answer to a simple question like that!? The boys remained silent, too frightened to speak.

?I?ll ask you one more time,? the pastor said, this time even more firmly, ?WHERE IS GOD??

At that, the older boy jumped up and grabbed his brother. ?c?mon, let?s get out of here!? he whispered. ?God?s missing? and they think we did it!?

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence.
One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of
sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one

for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan
and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his
bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and
the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the
boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence
they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man
whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see
anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence
tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you.
That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say that the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Abacha died and all went straight to h*ll.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England, I want to call England and see how everybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked "Well devil how much do I owe you for the call? The devil replied, "Five million dollars" She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.

Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too" He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked, "Well,devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied, "Ten million dollars" With a smug look on his face, and feeling more important than the English, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.

Obasanjo was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call Nigeria too, I want to see how everybody is doing there too. I wanna talk to the ministers, the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody". He called Nigeria and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked, "Well, devil how much do I owe you for my long call? The devil replied "One dollar!". Obasanjo is stunned & queries the devil. "One dollar??? Only one dollar ke??"
The devil replied. "Well, when you make a call from one h*ll to another h*ll, we bill it at a local rate".

In Flight announcement "Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain (Boneyface Kasali Yaro) welcoming you on board of Nigeria Airways.

We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery.

This is flight 126 to Lagos. Landing in Lagos is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the South. If luck is in our favour, we may even be landing on your village!

Nigeria Airways has an excellent safety-record. In fact our safety standards are so high that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure, I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off! To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary Bongo tea and Okin biscuits! For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Air Barka, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your set-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat ... and for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase."

And if we pass your street pls tell the stewardess or shout Owa O Pilot !! so we can throw you off safely, at least that would save you Taxi fare.

ENJOY Nigeria Airways teh Best in the world ! We hope you fly with us again.

A few days after christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with is new electric train he got for christmas in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said *toot*toot*,  All of you sons of bitches who wants off, get the h*ll off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause were going down the track.

The mother went nuts and told her son, well dont use that kind of language in this house, now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When u come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resume playing with the train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son says *toot*toot* All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you, we thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. She hears the little boy continue, for those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of ur hand luggage under ur seat, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope u will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mother began to smile, the child added, for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOURS delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.
Despite ur slammin, am still jammin!!!


Two cripples were sitting in a bar one day. One had a very bad hump and the other had a deformed club foot.
They got a little drunk, it was very late so they set off homewards. The hunchback found the walk a bit tiring and said to his friend limping along beside him
"I'm very tired. I think I'll take short-cut home through the graveyard. Are you coming"
"Oh no" said his friend with the bad foot. "I'm frightened to go through the cemetary in the dark."
"Suit yourself" said the hunchback,climbing over the cermetary gates. As he made his way across the graveyard the wind rose and the moon went behind the clouds. Suddenly there was a flash of lightning and a black caped figure suddenly appeared before him.
"Who are you?" screamed the hunchback in terror.
"I am the devil" said the figure. "I am the great Satan, here in the graveyard collecting the souls of the wicked and the damned."
Please sir, I'm not dead yet" pleaded the hunchback. "And I wont be wicked again if you let me go."
The devil looked at him for a minute. " Ahem" he said "I suppose so. I've got plenty souls already tonight." He looked closely athe hunchback. "What's that you've got on your back?" Satan asked.
"It's a terrible hump" said the hunchback. "I've always had it."
"Do you want it?" asked the Devil
" I'd be overjoyed to be rid off it" said the hunchback.
The devil puts his hands on the hunchback's back, there was a whooshing sound and the hunchback sufddendly felt himself straight backed. There was another flash of lightning and Satan disappeared.

Next night in the bar the ex-hunchback was sitting having a beer when his friends with the deformed foot came in.
"My God" said his friend " Where's your big hump gone?"
"You'll not believe this" said the ex-hunchback in reply "but I met the Devil in the graveyard and he took my hump away."
"The man with the club foot thought for a minute then said "I wonder if the Devil might fix my bad foot?"
"Worth a try" said his friend so on the way home this night the man with the club foot was helped over the graveyard gate by his friend.
The same thing happened. High wind. Flash of lightning. Satan appears.
After a short conversation Satan says. "What's wrong with your foot, my friend?"
Great thought the cripple. He's going to sort me out.
"It's a club foor, sir" he replied "I've had it since I was born. It's a terrible nuisance."
"Have you got a hump?" said the devil.
"No" said the man
There was a whooshing noise and he felt the devil's hands on his back.
"You have now" laughed the devil and disappeared giggling loudly at the next flash of lightning


Good ones Ummita :lol:

The Fastest Thing.
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT.
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asks the second man.

"Hmm...let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye...that's a
very popular clichi for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's farm house, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same
question. The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous
answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I
wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t my pants!"



While on vacation,a man was playin golf with his wife on a beach.He hits a ball so hard which flies into a nearby beach house.
He then hurriedly goes up to the house to apologize.On reaching the house he sees a broken window and an open front door.
Entering into the house,he sees a man lying down on a couch,a broken bottle lay on the floor beside him.

He starts to apologize"Im so sorry I broke your window and I'm willing to pay for the damages".
The man waves off his apology and says"actually,I should be thanking see I'm a genie and I've been held prisoner in this bottle for over 100years.In appreciation I grant you 3 wishes".
The vacationer can't believe his luck,and quickly wishes for houses all over the world,money and cars.
The genie says "no problem,but before I grant your wishes I need one favour"
Man replies "anything"
Genies says "I'v been locked up for so long I havn't had sex in years.Allow me have sex with your wife and y'll rich beyond ur dreams.
So the man manages to convince his wife to have sex with the ginie,they go upstairs for half an hour of hot passionate sex after which the genie asks the woman"so how old is your husband anyway?"
she replies"forty".man says "and he believes in genies?!"


Assertive Naija Woman
At the 1997 World Women's Conference, te first speaker, from England, stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.  Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb". The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up.  "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had not only done his own washing but mine as well".  The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Nigeria stood up. "After last year conference I go house and tell my husband say I no go do im cooking, cleaning or go market for am again, and dat he go dey do am imself. After the first day I no see anything, the second day I see notin. But after the third day, as the swelling begin go down, I start to see small small from my left eye".


A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolished. The woman said, "This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The man replied, "What a great idea; I just happen to have a bottle with me." With this he handed it to the man. The man downed half the bottle and handed it back. The woman would not take it back and said, "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate."

kunga sharin na-mace ko? :twisted:

sa salati

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.  :lol:


Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"


A Yoruba Man was sitting with an Ibo man and a Hausa man in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden the police entered and arrested them. They were initially given a death sentence but, as it was a national holiday, the sheikh decided they should be released after each receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh said, "It's my first wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping, but you cannot wish not to be whipped!"

The Hausa man thought for a second then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back before whipping." This was done but the pillow lasted 10 lashes.

The Ibo man saw this and said:  "Please tie two pillows to my back before whipping." This was done and lasted for the whole 20 lashes.

The Yoruba Man saw this, but before he could make his wish, the sheikh said: "As you share the same ethnicity with the president of your country, you are permitted to have two wishes!"

The Yoruba Man thought for a second and then said: "Thank you, most royal and merciful highness. My first wish is to receive 100 lashes with the strongest, toughest whip available." "If you so desire," the sheikh replied with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?" "Tie the Ibo man to my back."


Here's another Yoruba one:

An Ondo village woman took her case to the village Chief to report that the village school teacher had raped her.

Following is the dialogue that took place;

Woman: Mo ro ran, Baba. E wa gba mi.!
(I am in trouble, please help me!!)

Chief: Emi lo sele?
(What happened?)

Woman: Oga tisha lo fagidi ba mi lopo, baba.
(The village teacher raped me)

Chief: E o,.....moku. Ko tifo? Asakasa. O mi sha la ye, ohun mi sele
(Oh my goodness!. What did you say? This is an abomination. Explain how this happened?)

Woman: Mo mi kiri oja lori ate ni, Oga tisa koya pemi wonu ile, iko omi fera oja.
(As I was hawking my wares, the teacher called me into his house under the guise he wanted to buy something I was selling)

Woman: Mo mi wole to o, oga tisha ya ba le mi. Mo mi wo, me soro.
(I entered the house and the teacher quickly grabbed me. I just watched him, but didn't utter a word)

Woman: Omi kenu bomi lenu. Momi wo, me soro.
(Next thing I knew, he started kissing me. I watched him, but didn't say anything)

Woman: O mo wo lemi laya, o si te omu aya mi. Mo mi wo, me soro.
(He put his hands on my boobs and caressed them. I watched him, but still did'nt utter a word)

Woman: Iba le kewu mi soke, me wo, me soro.
(He then lifted up my skirt, yet I didn't utter a single word or resist)

Woman: Iba le bo sokoto, gbe mi sori ibusun. Me wo, me soro.
(He then undid his shorts, lifted me up and placed me on the bed. Still, I watched him)

Woman: Iba le wole si mi lara, oya yi mi lata faka fiki faka fiki. Me wo, me soro
(He got on top of me and he started having sex with me. Even then, I did not utter a single word)

The Chief was becoming very irritated and exasperated at this stage.

Chief: Duro lube! Igba wo gan koya soro.
(Enough! Stop there! When did you actually talk to voice your protest?)

Woman: Ha Baba, Igba ke han kedere simi pe mo fa rakun ni.
(My Chief,..When it dawned on me that I was pregnant!!!)
Surely after suffering comes enjoyment


A man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he would like a bottle of Christian Dior for his wife?s birthday.
?A little surprise eh?? said the clerk.
?You bet,? replied the man. ?She is expecting a cruise.?


Kai wannan abin dariya da yawa yake. Har su gogannaka awanna sheke ayar????? To aci gaba dai mu kuma muyi ta kyakatawa
o try and fail is atleast to learn. That will save one the inestimable loss of what might have been (positive or negative).

beautilicious takes agreat deal of courage to stand up to ur enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to ur friends..." Aaysha


Nigerian Police
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.  The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it. The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". >--------------------------