Author Topic: Make Me Laugh!  (Read 407774 times)

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Offline *~MuDa~*

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #210 on: April 12, 2007, 04:31:19 PM »
Uhummmh! U guys been having fun ba? Ok. Dave r u ready for this one?

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!"
...He begot not, nor is He begotten!
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Offline Dave McEwan Hill

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #211 on: April 12, 2007, 10:28:59 PM »
Know the feeling, but its such a long time ago......................................................

Here's another.

Tony Blair is entertaining George Bush at a country house in England. They decide to go incognito out for a few beers at the village pub.  They put on hats and dark glasses and stroll down walking a sheep dog  just to look like a couple of country guys going down to the pub. They slip in the back door and into the quiet back bar.
As they settle down to their drinks a guy comes in, lifts up the dog's tale, looks under it, looks puzzled and goes out again. A few minutes later another guy comes in and does the same. Then another.
Blair calls the barman over and asks what is going on.
"Well" says the barman  " Somebody has told them there's a dog in the back bar with two a*seholes!"

Offline HUSNAA

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #212 on: April 21, 2007, 07:29:37 PM »
Overheard on the late show with David Letterman

Dave to audience: Today is earthday; did u know that?

Audience silent

Dave: Well today is earthday and because of that, Donald trump's hair has been declared a protected wetland!! (Drum roll; cymbal clashes end of joke)
 
Polite laughter; smattering clap

Another one:

Dave:Tomorrow is the queen of england's birthday

Audience murmur

Dave: She'll be 81 tomorrow

Audience: Uncertain applause

Dave: the oldest queen in england... second to elton john!!!!! (drum roll cymbal clash END OF JOKE)

Audience: laughter
« Last Edit: April 21, 2007, 07:31:10 PM by HUSNAA »
Ghafurallahi lana wa lakum

Offline *~MuDa~*

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #213 on: April 22, 2007, 06:36:20 PM »
Dat was so funny!
...He begot not, nor is He begotten!
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Offline mlbash

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #214 on: April 22, 2007, 09:03:52 PM »
 
 that was cool!
t is my intention to make the neglected aspect of our societies viable

Offline Dave McEwan Hill

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #215 on: April 22, 2007, 09:28:21 PM »
Here's another couple of jokes I heard at a concert recently.

Man goes into a bar in New York
Orders ten large whiskies.
Starts to drink them, one by one, very fast
Barman asks him" Why are you drinking those whiskies so fast?"
Man replies " You'd drink them quickly if you had what I have!"
Barman replies  "What is it you've got?"
Man replies "50 cents".

Man sees an advert for a job at the zoo and calls for an interview,
At the interview the interviewer says " Can you keep your mouth shut about the job when you go out of here each night"
" I'm sure I can" says the applicant " Why"
" Well" says the interviewer. " Our gorilla has died and we don't have the funds to get another one. Your job will be to wear a gorilla suit and swing about on a rope all day above that big pond"
" That'll be easy " says the applicant.
"Not so fast" says the interviewer  " The pond has crocodiles in it. You mustn't fall off the rope."
" Okay " says the applicant and he starrts his job the next day.
The inevitable of course happens. One day the rope snaps. He falls into the water and, terrified, tries to make for the side. His gorilla suit is filling up with water and the crocodiles are gaining ground on him, their jaws opening and closing savagely
 Eventually he thinks  " Bugger the job" and screams out " Help! Help!"
" Shut up you fool" says one of the crocodiles "or we'll all lose our jobs!"

Offline alkanawi

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #216 on: April 23, 2007, 05:01:21 PM »
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment and why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
and something is,  how I can make a woman truly happy??"

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

 
"corgito ergo sum"

Offline IBB

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #217 on: June 01, 2007, 02:32:42 AM »
lol
IHS

Offline bakangizo

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #218 on: June 01, 2007, 02:52:51 PM »
Take heed
A highly skilled carpenter who had grown old was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house building business and live a more leisurely life with his family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire.

The employer was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter agreed to this proposal but made sure that this will be his last project. Being in a mood to retire, the carpenter was not paying much attention to building this house. His heart was not in his work. He resorted to poor workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end his career.

When the job was done, the carpenter called his employer and showed him the house. The employer handed over some papers and the front door key to the carpenter and said "This is your house, my gift to you."

The carpenter was in a shock! What a shame! If he had only known that he was building his own house, he would have made it better than any other house that he ever built!

Our situation can be compared to this carpenter. Allah Ta'la has sent us to this world to build our homes in paradise by obeying His commands. Now, we have to decide how well we wish to build the homes where we will live forever.


Broke

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of broke do you not understand!!!?"  ;D

Offline HUSNAA

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #219 on: June 01, 2007, 10:03:14 PM »

Broke

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of broke do you not understand!!!?"  ;D[/color]

Oh Lord that was very funny hehehehehehe!!
Ghafurallahi lana wa lakum

Offline Mufi

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #220 on: June 02, 2007, 02:15:08 AM »
OMG! i was laughing my head off  :)
Life is like a flower; more exquisite and precious when shared with others.

Offline *~MuDa~*

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #221 on: June 02, 2007, 10:18:01 PM »
Laugh out so loud at Dave's Zoo job joke....you are one funny old man u know that?...how do u crack these jokes?

Anoda laugh out loud too at Black Sfyders broke jobe, men that was really funny, i mean ...did it actually happened for real?

Oky lemme drop something naijaish for  you guys...

Bill Clinton went to Nigeria for an official visit;
 while there, he was discussing with Obasanjo one day on a balcony at ASO Rock. Suddenly, NEPA took light all over Abuja. Bill Clinton was annoyed: he turned   to
 Obasanjo and said: "I thought you people were making
  progress in this country, how come   you still have
   Power cuts? This is a big disgrace!" Obasanjo was ashamed and angry, but couldn't say anything. He just kept fuming throughout the rest of the conference.
 Six months later, Obasanjo went to Washington to see Clinton. After   their discussion, they went to the White House balcony to have some drinks and discuss in a relaxed manner. While they where there, Obasanjo looked around the City [it was night] and was surprised to see an area that was dark: there was a power cut in that part of town. Obasanjo was happy! He shouted to
  Bill Clinton: "You came to my country and insulted me on our power system, see your own now? You people also have electricity shortage here in Washington!  Shame on you! "Obasanjo was very happy! Then Bill Clinton frowned, looked at the area called       one aide to ask him where that area was. The aide Whispered in Clinton’s ear, and Clinton burst into laughter. He was laughing so hard that he began to roll on the ground, with tears coming out of his eyes.
  Obasanjo was puzzled, he asked Clinton: "Are you okay?" Clinton finally managed to stand up and pointed to the dark area and said between heavy laughter: "That's the Nigerian Embassy!..."
Have a wonderful day!
...He begot not, nor is He begotten!
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Offline Mufi

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #222 on: June 03, 2007, 02:26:37 AM »
Just to add some laughter to your day,Enjoy. :) :) :) :)


Baba Sege got an invitation from the Queen to come and visit her in
England. One afternoon, while drinking tea, he asked the queen her success
secret. She told him that she relies on her people a lot and therefore she
must be certain that they are intelligent. She decided to show him exactly
what she meant and phoned Tony Blair.

"Now listen carefully, Mr. Obasanjo, I'm going to ask Mr. Blair a question
to determine his intelligence. "

Queen: "Oh! hello Mr Blair, I have a question for you: your mother has a
child, and your father has a child. This child is not your brother and is
not your sister. Who is he?"

Tony Blair " It's ME!"

Queen: "Correct! Thank you, bye"

"Did you get that Mr. Obasanjo?" the queen asked. "Yes, thanks a lot, I'll
definitely be using that! "

Once back in Nigeria he decided that he has doubts about Atiku and he's going to ask him the question. He arranged a meeting with him and
asked him:

"Atiku, I have a question for you; your mother has a child and your
father has a child. The child is not your brother and is not your sister,
who is he?."

Atiku thinks...... and thinks, "Em...... you must give me some time to
think about it."

And Mr. Obasanjo decided to give him a day to come out with an answer.

That afternoon, Atiku called a meeting to discuss the question, but
NOBODY knew the answer. They drew up an Atiku family tree, but to no
avail. The next morning, he realised he has to give Obasanjo an answer and
as a last resort, he decided to phone Jerry Rawlings of Ghana .
" Jerry, your mother has a child and your father has a child. The child is
not your brother and is not your sister , who is he?"

Jerry answers immediately. "Hey, Atiku, It's me of course, you dumb
Nigerian!"

Atiku rushed to Obasanjo's office, very impressed to know the answer to
such a difficult question. "Mr. President, I know who he is, it's Jerry
Rawlings!"

Obasanjo: "Jerry Rawlings ko , Jerry Gana ni. You are such a stupid vice
president.

I'll make sure you're removed from office. The child is TONY BLAIR !"
Life is like a flower; more exquisite and precious when shared with others.

Offline *~MuDa~*

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #223 on: June 03, 2007, 10:22:34 AM »
That was very funny!

Lemme give you a little suomething both Husnaa and Fateez will always frown at...lol!

The New Scientific Element Called Woman

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
...He begot not, nor is He begotten!
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Offline Mufi

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #224 on: June 03, 2007, 03:28:56 PM »
Very humorous   :) :)


Life is like a flower; more exquisite and precious when shared with others.

 


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