Raising Children in Stressful Times

[bamalli]

Helping children cope in difficult times is critical to the emotional well-being of families and is a part of the duties of parents.

Raising children can be a challenging task. However, raising children during stressful world conditions, such as the times we currently live in, can make an already difficult job even more challenging. In a world perched on the brink of a catastrophic disaster, children nowadays are bombarded with horrific images of death, destruction, and suffering.

Many of them are privy to rumors of war, retaliation, terrorism, deadly diseases, and economic disasters. It should not come as a surprise, therefore, that children are increasingly having trouble dealing with their fears and apprehensions about world events.

"Sometimes I have trouble sleeping at night," confided one 15-year-old. "Why?" I asked. "Because of everything that's happening in the world today."

"What kinds of thoughts go through your mind at night when you try to sleep?" I probed. "Sometimes I feel like the world is coming to an end," she replied nervously.

According to psychologists, this type of reaction during times of stress is very common in children. Older children, who are aware of distressing world events, are often strongly influenced by what they see on TV and the adult conversations that they listen to. Many of them experience fears of vulnerability, and even death.

"I wish I was rich and had a lot of money to buy a big ship," said another teenager. "What kind of ship would this be?" I asked. "It would be the kind that people take cruises on. The kind that has everything on it." "And what would you do with this ship?" I asked. "I would gather all of my friends and family on it and go and live in the middle of the ocean so we'd all be safe."

However, older children are not the only ones experiencing these kinds of anxieties. For, although younger children may not be able to verbalize their anxieties as well as older children, psychologists say that younger children are very sensitive to changes in their environment and often, do not know what to make of the disturbing images they witness on television, "Sometimes I watch the news with my Daddy, and if I see bad pictures, I can't sleep at night," said an 8 year old. "Sometimes I think my Mom and my Dad are going to die," said a fourth grader in response to her feelings about images she sees in the news.

Helping children cope in difficult times is critical to the emotional well-being of families and is a part of the duties of parents. One important way to accomplish this task is to prevent children's exposure to disturbing information that they may not be able to handle. Tantamount to this is that parents minimize the number of hours children spend watching TV and viewing news sources.

Because children can become overly anxious about what they see on TV, children who are not exposed to a lot of television seem to fare better than those who do. When asked how her children were faring, Um Yusef, a mother of five, stated that because she did not have a TV in her home, she has been able to shield her children from a lot of the fears and apprehension that many other children may be suffering from at this time.

However, while psychologists agree that it may be impossible to shield children from all of the anxieties of world events, it is important that parents try to create relaxing activities that bring the family together in something that everyone enjoys doing. Parents should also try to keep children to their normal routines because this helps to create a sense of stability, particularly during difficult times.

As Muslims, certainly, the most important advice about how to handle stressful conditions is found in a variety of places in the Qur'an, and in the Prophetic traditions of Prophet Muhammad (SAWS). These two sources are replete with suggestions and advice for us.

A mother of seven recalled an account of when she was about to board a plane with her five year-old daughter, when her daughter became very agitated and began to cry and say, "Mommy, I don't want to get on the plane." "Why?" her mother asked. "Because I'm afraid someone is going to shoot down our plane." Recognizing that her daughter was afraid, she settled her down, and here are a few excerpts of what she said to her: "At some point or another, everyone is going to have to die...whether we die in this plane or we die in our beds, we still have to die . . . death is the only way that we are going to get to the Paradise.... so we should not be afraid of it"

I was struck by these very poignant statements of this mother to her child, so I asked her what was the significance of giving such advice about death, to which she replied, "As Muslims, I think that we really have to change the way that we look at death. We should look at it the way the Companions of Prophet Muhammad, (SAWS) looked at it. We should not be afraid of death. We should only be afraid of not preparing for it.

Indeed, death was one of the most recurrent themes of many of the children that were interviewed for this article. Many of them said simply, "I don't want to die" or, "I don't want to leave my stuff". It is clear, therefore, that we need to remind children, that dying is very much a part of life and that there should not be so much emphasis on death, except in preparation for it by performing good deeds. By making the most of our time and spending it seeking the forgiveness of our Lord, and doing acts of good, we can achieve an inner peace during times of difficulty that will not be present in someone who spends their time worrying about future events.

In addition to the advice given above, it would be wise to remember that a Muslim should always be cognizant of the fact that life is filled with difficulties and that life, by its very nature, is designed to test us: "Who has created death and life that He may test which of you is best in deed." (Holy Qur'an, 67:2)

Also, in the Qur'an, Allah reminds us that, "And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits...." (Holy Qur'an, 2:155)

This verse points out that we should know with certainty that some kind of trial is guaranteed to befall us in this life. However, Allah does not leave us without a solution. The same verse continues by saving ".... but give glad tidings to the patient" (Holy Qur'an, 2:155)

Here, Allah tells us that the solution in times of difficulty is to have patience. Clearly, the display of patience by a Muslim in stressful times is a demonstration of his trust and certitude in his Lord and Creator, the result of which could be nothing less than blessings, mercy, and guidance. The verse continues its elaboration, saying, "They are those on whom are the blessings from their Lord and receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided-ones." (Holy Qur'an, 2: 157)

It is evident, then, that these are important lessons that Muslims must draw upon during times of fear and worry, and these are principles that we must teach children in order that they, too, can reap the sweet fruits of their faith.