Peter Kay One Liners
1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' printed on it.
I said 'Thyroid problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
4) A cement mixer collided with a prison van.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
5) I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!
From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
7) I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?'
I said 'No, six should be enough.'
You know that look women get when they want to have sex? No, me neither
9) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
they don't understand, such as working for a living.
10) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before
PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
2) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
3) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
4) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
5) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
6) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.
SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
7) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
9) What do you call male ballerinas?
10) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
