Author Topic: Make Me Laugh!  (Read 407820 times)

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Offline Dave McEwan Hill

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #255 on: June 23, 2007, 04:48:26 PM »
This is not a joke. It's a true story about a blonde.

I ran a hotel and bar here in Argyll.
One night we were sitting at the bar discussing things when the subject of Mr Bobbit came up.
You may remember a few years ago somewhere in America a Mrs Bobbit caught out her husband cheating on her and when he was sleeping one night she got a knife and cut his *willie off.
When the ambulance and police arrived she admitted what she had done and told the police she had thrown her husband's willie into a nearby field. They went out with powerful torches and found it and rushed it to hospital where surgeons managed to graft it back on.

The big blonde (her name was Joyce) after hearing this tale asked " But how did the police with torches know it was his?"

The grafting on was moderately successful I understand

*willie = pe nis

Offline HUSNAA

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #256 on: June 24, 2007, 10:48:36 AM »
This is not a joke. It's a true story about a blonde.

I ran a hotel and bar here in Argyll.
One night we were sitting at the bar discussing things when the subject of Mr Bobbit came up.
You may remember a few years ago somewhere in America a Mrs Bobbit caught out her husband cheating on her and when he was sleeping one night she got a knife and cut his *willie off.
When the ambulance and police arrived she admitted what she had done and told the police she had thrown her husband's willie into a nearby field. They went out with powerful torches and found it and rushed it to hospital where surgeons managed to graft it back on.

The big blonde (her name was Joyce) after hearing this tale asked " But how did the police with torches know it was his?"

The grafting on was moderately successful I understand

*willie = pe nis

I remember that story also. I read it some yrs ago in Times of News Week magazine, cant remember which. The question is: are blondes really that daft??????? I also seem to recall that Margaret Thatcher when she was prime minister, dyed her hair a darker shade so she could be taken seriously. Her natural hair is blonde in colour.
Ghafurallahi lana wa lakum

Offline gogannaka

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #257 on: June 25, 2007, 09:54:57 PM »
This is not a joke. It's a true story about a blonde.

I ran a hotel and bar here in Argyll.
One night we were sitting at the bar discussing things when the subject of Mr Bobbit came up.
You may remember a few years ago somewhere in America a Mrs Bobbit caught out her husband cheating on her and when he was sleeping one night she got a knife and cut his *willie off.
When the ambulance and police arrived she admitted what she had done and told the police she had thrown her husband's willie into a nearby field. They went out with powerful torches and found it and rushed it to hospital where surgeons managed to graft it back on.

The big blonde (her name was Joyce) after hearing this tale asked " But how did the police with torches know it was his?"

The grafting on was moderately successful I understand

*willie = pe nis

LOL....she's not being daft,Maybe she has cut someone's willie too,or its common practice.
LOL
Surely after suffering comes enjoyment

Offline bakangizo

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #258 on: June 26, 2007, 02:36:10 PM »
A journalist is interviewing a farmer and notices in the sty, a pig with a single wooden leg. He asks the farmer how this happened. The farmer tells him: "That is an interesting and moving story. One day last year, I was driving my tractor and it hit a large stone; the tractor turned over and pinned me to the ground. I was alone in the field, the tractor caught fire and I shouted out for help. This brave animal heard me, jumped over the sty, dashed across the yard, through the hedge - cutting himself in the process - and, although I was, by then, unconscious through smoke inhalation, he pushed away the vehicle: sustaining burns and bruises. Eventually he pulled me clear, then ran ten, painful, miles to get help, which saved my life."
"So why does he have a wooden leg?" persisited the journalist.
The farmer replied: "A PIG LIKE THAT YOU DON'T EAT ALL AT ONCE." ;D
« Last Edit: June 26, 2007, 03:25:34 PM by Bakan~Gizo »

Offline IBB

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #259 on: June 27, 2007, 08:40:39 PM »
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She
went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog
said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I
failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said,
"That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful
woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish
will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to". The woman replied,

"That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have
eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The
frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And
he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay,
because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the
richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish,
and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.












































The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that women never listen!!!
IHS

Offline Mufi

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #260 on: June 27, 2007, 09:27:49 PM »
THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker
function
and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's Only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new 2006 Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I
wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000'

M AN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of
$900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50
thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'



Life is like a flower; more exquisite and precious when shared with others.

Offline gogannaka

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #261 on: June 28, 2007, 03:20:19 PM »
THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker
function
and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's Only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new 2006 Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I
wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000'

M AN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of
$900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50
thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'


LOL....A very wicked man.
Sounds like a babarbare to me  :P

A journalist is interviewing a farmer and notices in the sty, a pig with a single wooden leg. He asks the farmer how this happened. The farmer tells him: "That is an interesting and moving story. One day last year, I was driving my tractor and it hit a large stone; the tractor turned over and pinned me to the ground. I was alone in the field, the tractor caught fire and I shouted out for help. This brave animal heard me, jumped over the sty, dashed across the yard, through the hedge - cutting himself in the process - and, although I was, by then, unconscious through smoke inhalation, he pushed away the vehicle: sustaining burns and bruises. Eventually he pulled me clear, then ran ten, painful, miles to get help, which saved my life."
"So why does he have a wooden leg?" persisited the journalist.
The farmer replied: "A PIG LIKE THAT YOU DON'T EAT ALL AT ONCE." ;D

LOL cant believe he'll eat the pig!
LOL
« Last Edit: June 28, 2007, 03:27:03 PM by gogannaka »
Surely after suffering comes enjoyment

Offline Mufi

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #262 on: June 29, 2007, 03:36:10 PM »
A Can of Peaches

An 80yr old woman was arrested for shoplifting. when she went before

the judge, he asked her,' what did you steal?' she replied:A can of

peaches. the judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied  that she 

was hungry. then te judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. she

replied , '6'. then the judge said , " i will give you 6 days in jail".
 
before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the  womans

husband spoke up and asked if he could say something. he said "what is it?"

the husband said, ' she also stole a can of peas'.
Life is like a flower; more exquisite and precious when shared with others.

Offline HUSNAA

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #263 on: June 30, 2007, 05:10:50 AM »
A Can of Peaches

An 80yr old woman was arrested for shoplifting. when she went before

the judge, he asked her,' what did you steal?' she replied:A can of


the husband said, ' she also stole a can of peas'.


I hope the judge sentences the husband for such disloyalty!! Lets say as may days as there were peas in the can!! heheheeeh
Ghafurallahi lana wa lakum

Offline Yakab

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #264 on: June 30, 2007, 02:18:19 PM »
CONFUSED!. A  Woman  working at a  doctor’s   office   was  listening  to  a  tape   from  a   transcribe  she  ordered  for  the   doctor’s   office. She    came    across  a   gibberish    diagnostic:  This  man   has  “Phalinfromatry”.  The  woman   has   no    knowledge   of   this   diagnostic   decided   to   double   check  with  the   doctor.  The  doctor   listened   to   the   tape  and  came  out   shaking  his   head.  He  said  to  the  woman   “THIS  MAN”    translating  to   her   “HAS   FALLEN  FROM  A   TREE”.



Offline *~MuDa~*

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #265 on: June 30, 2007, 09:14:12 PM »
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting,
cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you?
I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out
of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the
father, the mother and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your
daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her
because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay
all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is
born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank
account. If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there
is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll sleep with her again!" what would you have done?
...He begot not, nor is He begotten!
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Offline IBB

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #266 on: July 01, 2007, 07:34:22 AM »
lol sleep with her again. Real option
IHS

Offline *~MuDa~*

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #267 on: July 01, 2007, 09:49:48 AM »
LoL loud at IBB's Genie Frog joke, but men u didnt realise that u will personally annoy Husnaa and Fateez? To ka dauki matakin compensation da wuri.

LoL sosai again at Mufi's The Perfect Husband Joke, that was a thrill, u got me cracking my ribs till they hurt, Allah Sarki whomever the mobile was for! Kai!

Here is this one...

Bilingual Lawyer

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"


Another layer jokes sorry lawyers...

Unjustice In Hell

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'

'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'


Funny ehn? Okay here's the last but not the least...my favourite!

Double The Wish
A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."

"What catch?" the man asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars," said the genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.

"What is your third and final wish?"

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"


« Last Edit: July 01, 2007, 09:52:46 AM by *~MuDaCriS~* »
...He begot not, nor is He begotten!
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Offline IBB

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #268 on: July 02, 2007, 03:08:06 AM »
lol
IHS

Offline HUSNAA

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #269 on: July 02, 2007, 07:04:53 PM »
LoL loud at IBB's Genie Frog joke, but men u didnt realise that u will personally annoy Husnaa and Fateez? To ka dauki matakin compensation da wuri.

LoL sosai again at Mufi's The Perfect Husband Joke, that was a thrill, u got me cracking my ribs till they hurt, Allah Sarki whomever the mobile was for! Kai!
We've developed thick skins Muda....  ;D It will take more than IBB's little crack to get us going again, besides it was a good joke!! hahaha ur lawyer joke is similar to it as well
Ghafurallahi lana wa lakum

 


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