Laugh Out Loud

[Dave_McEwan_Hill]

Just remebered another "doctor"joke.
Two guys were strolling through the bush when one suddenly needed to urgently relieve himself. He went behind some bushes and was preparing to do so when a big snake suddenly pounced and bit him on the **nis.
He shouted to his friend "Help! A snake has bitten me on the pen**. What will I do? It was a green mamba. The bite is fatal.
His friend said "There is a doctor's house over there. I will run and get help".
When he got there the doctor was attending to a serious accident and couldn't come but said "Take this sharp knife. Go to your friend. Make an incision with the knife on the bite mark. Then suck the poison out."
The man ran back to his friend.
"What did the doctor say?" asked his friend.
Looking at the position of the bite he replied "The doctor says you are going to die!"

[Anonymous]

This topic is absolute Whacko! Great great Jokes and very funny. Couldnt stop laughing at the igbo swimmer and the Bill Gates' screen saver!

[kilishi]

Just remebered another "doctor"joke.
Two guys were strolling through the bush when one suddenly needed to urgently relieve himself. He went behind some bushes and was preparing to do so when a big snake suddenly pounced and bit him on the **nis.
He shouted to his friend "Help! A snake has bitten me on the pen**. What will I do? It was a green mamba. The bite is fatal.
His friend said "There is a doctor's house over there. I will run and get help".

;D ;D ;D ;D ::)
When he got there the doctor was attending to a serious accident and couldn't come but said "Take this sharp knife. Go to your friend. Make an incision with the knife on the bite mark. Then suck the poison out."
The man ran back to his friend.
"What did the doctor say?" asked his friend.
Looking at the position of the bite he replied "The doctor says you are going to die!"

[Guduma]

JOKE ONE
Dad: How was your physics exam paper today, son?
Son: Very easy.....easy dad, only one boy failed out of fifty
Dad: How easy son?
Son: Well dad, fortynine didn't turn up for the exam at all, :-[ ;D
      while I was the only one who came late and was
      turned back!
JOKE TWO
Customer:  I want some insecticides powder for insects
Seller:       Can I wrap it up for you sir?
Customer:  No, I will eat it here!  

[MohammedIbrahim]

A police man went to suya joint and kept staring at a roast chicken,the man selling the suya noticed this and asked  the police man if he wanted some ,the police man then replied "sharrap! i'm arresting this chicken for immoral dressing" ;D

[kilishi]

A police man went to suya joint and kept staring at a roast chicken,the man selling the suya noticed this and asked ?the police man if he wanted some ,the police man then replied "sharrap! i'm arresting this chicken for immoral dressing" ;D

Ha hah aha  this is diplomacy, so no need for the suya man to offer him,he will arrest the chicken in his stomach ;D

[Dave_McEwan_Hill]

Another joke I heard today.
Zoo in Alabama, USA gets Betsy, a female gorilla.
At first Betsy is very nice, eating bananas, hooting at the visitors etc., etc.
Then she goes crazy. Smashing up her cage, trying to escape.
Zoologist is called and diagnoses that Betsy is in heat. " She needs to mate" he tells the zoo management. But they can't get another gorilla.
"Say, how about Billy Jim Bob, the redneck trucker" suggests one guy. "He's got a huge sexual apetitite. Probably make love to anything."
It's worth a try, they decide so Billy Jim Bob is called in and the proposition is put to him "Will you have sex with our gorilla for $1000."
He thinks for a minute then says.
"OK but there are three conditions.
"One - I don't have to kiss the gorilla"
Agreed.
"Two - you won't tell anybody about this."
Agreed. What is the third condition?
"I'll need some time. It'll take me a few weeks to raise the $1000!

[Guduma]

A thirty years old lady walks into a computer showroom admiring a set when the salesman noticed her and approached. The following conversation ensued between them:
Salesman: Ah madam, this computer is excellent apart from    
              speed, it answers any question you ask.
Lady:       I can't believe that, any question, you said?
Salesman: Yes ma'am, try it with any question.
Lady:      (types question) Where is my father?
Computer: Your father is fishing at Epe.
Lady:    (giggles) See it lied, my father died twenty years ago!
Salesman: No ma'am, that cannot be, please reframe the  
              question.
Lady:) (to computer) Where is my mother's husband?
Computer: Your mother's husband died twenty years ago,
              while your father is still fishing at Epe! ;D :o

[Borg]

Yikes!!! That was killer ?;D ;D ;D

[gogannaka]

Another joke I heard today.
Zoo in Alabama, USA gets Betsy, a female gorilla.
At first Betsy is very nice, eating bananas, hooting at the visitors etc., etc.
Then she goes crazy. Smashing up her cage, trying to escape.
Zoologist is called and diagnoses that Betsy is in heat. " She needs to mate" he tells the zoo management. But they can't get another gorilla.
"Say, how about Billy Jim Bob, the redneck trucker" suggests one guy. "He's got a huge sexual apetitite. Probably make love to anything."
It's worth a try, they decide so Billy Jim Bob is called in and the proposition is put to him "Will you have sex with our gorilla for $1000."
He thinks for a minute then says.
"OK but there are three conditions.
"One - I don't have to kiss the gorilla"
Agreed.
"Two - you won't tell anybody about this."
Agreed. What is the third condition?
"I'll need some time. It'll take me a few weeks to raise the $1000!

GO BILLY!!GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLL

[ummita]

THIS PIECE WAS ONE OF WOMENS FAVORITE!!!

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord,I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's
being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

[ummita]

Corporate lesson 1  
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of
arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the
wife gives up,quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll
give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands
her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps
back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets
back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who
was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.  "Great,"
the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes
me?"
 
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time
with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Corporate lesson 2
 
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the  road, he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The
priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and
immediately said,  "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was
flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his
hand.

However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on
while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest
apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her
way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and
looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will
find glory."

Moral of the story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great
opportunity!

Corporate Lesson 4

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three
wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's
gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says thesales rep. "I want to be
in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK,
you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first say.

[Guduma]

An old man was standing by a road side when an accident occured near him. A little old lady sustained some fatal injuries and died in the hospital later. The driver of the vehicle was charged to court for reckless driving and violation of traffic regulations. The old man was brought before the court to testify as an eye witness.
MAGISTRATE:  How far is the distance between the scene of
                   accident and where you stood?
OLDMAN:        (without any hesitation) Fifteen feet, nine
                    and a half inches!    
                   
MAGISTRATE: (suprised) Did you measure it?

OLDMAN:          Yes i did, i know some fool will ask me for it!

[Borg]

Eat this!!!


Lie clock.


A  man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the

Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she

never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter
responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice,
telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

[Guduma]

Dynamite! that is!!!!!!! Borg....