Make Me Laugh!

[bakangizo]

Wedding Ring:
The smallest handcuff in the world.

Son: Dad, how much does it cost to get married:
Dad: I don't really know, my son, but I am still paying for it.

Politician:
A voter to politician seeking vote: I would rather vote for the devil than vote for you.

Politicia: Since your candidate (devil) is not contesting this time, will you not consider my case sympathetically?

Wife/Husband:
Wife (in court to judge): Sir, I just want him to leave me as he found me.

Judge: That may be a little difficult, but how did he find you?

Wife: I was a widow.

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[neozizo]

UWARGIDA: Maigida!!....Maigida!!...kaji wannan yariskar mai aikinan tayicikin shege?!

MAIGIDA:Wan nan matsalar tace

UWARGIDA:Ta ce wai kai kayimata cikin!!!

MAIGIDA:Wan nan matsala ta ce

UWARGIDA:Tunda abin haka ne,ni zanyi yaji na tafi gidanmu.
MAIGIDA:Wannan kuma matalar ki ce!!!

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[neozizo]

WHAT MAKES U AN "AFRICAN"???
1. You un wrap all your gifts carefully, so that you
can reuse the wrapper.
2. You call a person you've never met before uncle or
aunt.
3. More than 90% of the music CD's and cassettes in
your home are illegal copies
4. Your garage is always full of stuff because you
never throw anything away, just in case you need it
someday.(a gum boot without a partner and the baby
walker - baby's now 12 and you are 48)
5. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottle
from your stays at hotels. (Go cool, Sweet heart,
African pride....)
6. You have almost always carried overweight baggage
when traveling by plane.
7. If a store has a limit on the quantity of a
product, then each member of the family will join
separate queues to purchase the maximum quantity
possible. (Sugar, soap, rice, cooking fat etc during
old good days)
8. All children have annoying nicknames.
9. Nobody in your family informs you that they are
coming over for a visit. (Uncle, wife, sis-in-law,
two nephews and a neighbour) have camped at home.
10. You stuff your pockets with, mints and toothpicks
at restaurants. (Murray mints, wrappers, and salt
shakers!)
11. Your mother has a minor disagreement with her
sister and does not talk to her for 10 years.
12. You only make telephone calls at a cheaper rate
at night (especially beepers).
13. You never have less than 20 people to meet you at
the airport or see you off even if it is a local
flight.
14. You keep changing your Internet Service provide
because the first month is free. (I know some people
O  ...)
15. Office supplies mysteriously find their way to
your home.(Yes, staple machine, office pins, punch
machine, cello tapes, post-its, etc.)
16. When you are young, your parents buy you clothes
and shoes at least two sizes too big so that they
would last longer.

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[bakangizo]

That was really good, zizo.

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[Nabulsi]

Hey guyz read this one!


                                       Sign Board

The Smart Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.

But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I dont care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!"

So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said,

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "Youve got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said,

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.

Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day.

He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."

And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.

"Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY ***

Go slow and watch out for the chicks------------

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[neozizo]

LOL

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[bakangizo]

Hey guyz read this one!


                                       Sign Board

The Smart Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway...


NUDIST COLONY ***

Go slow and watch out for the chicks------------

Excellent. I haven't read the thread for days so I've not seen this. :lol:  More pls.

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[gogannaka]

LOL

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[bakangizo]

Colin Powell walks into George Bush's office to deliver the latest reports from Iraq:

"I regret to inform you Mr President that 3 brazilian soldiers were killed in a suicide bomb attack yesterday"
On hearing this news george bush breaks down into tears, he's unconsolable, crying into his arm.
"sir your compassion astounds me" says Colin
George can barely talk but fighting back the tears he says "Colin thats terrible news...but to clear one thing up....exactly how many is a brazillion?"

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[bakangizo]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much
as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,
beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to
the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed
alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into
her room for the night. He was careful to keep everything quiet
so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read,
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy and easy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the rock up, walked over to the window and threw the
rock out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture
2: Rock tied to left  t*st*cle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting
close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than
castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right  t*st*cle  tied to bedpost."

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[Dave_McEwan_Hill]

Nice joke, Bakan Gizo
 Here's another one.

A traveller got lost late at night and had to put up in a small hotel in the middle of nowhere.
When he asked for a room the landlord told him he didn't have room left but he could share a large bed with an old resident he had. That was all the room he had.
The traveller reluctantly agreed on the condidtion he would give some money to the old guy he was to share a bed with.
"The only problem is that the old guy snores very loudly" said the landlord.
"That's okay" said the traveller.
In the morning the landlord asked the traveller "Did you manage to get a good night's sleep? Did the old guy snoring keep you awake?"
"No problem" said the traveller  "No snoring. I slept like a baby. I gave the old guy a big kiss when I got into bed and he stayed awake all night watching me!"

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[neozizo]

theChinese joke was WICKED BG.
Nice1 also Dave.
Here 's another1:
Three drunkards were walking down the street when they came upon a pile of manure where they stopped. The first drunkard, upon observation of the manure said to the other two, "Looks like it...? the second, bending over it and sniffing, said to the other two, "smells like it..." the third, sticking his finger in it, said, "feels like it". "Good thing we didn't step in it", they all agreed as they turned and walked away.

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[kitkat]

Drunk Scotsman (No offense meant dave)



A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of alcohol at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walking down the road heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.

After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said, "I dinna know where ya been laddie...but it's nice ta know ya won first prize!"
   

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[*~MuDa~*]

ROVER

A young man went to a house to pick up his blind
date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father
invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad
sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his
newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped
onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger.
Suddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart
and didn't know what to do, however, since the
dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and
feign innocence.
"Brrroough," went the fart! Dad peered over his
newspaper and said, "Rover! Get off that couch!"
The young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad
thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another
fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let
it rip, assured that Rover would once again be
blamed.
Sure enough, Dad peered over his newspaper and
said more sharply, "Rover! I said get off the
couch!"
Happily, the young man decided that he could fart
whenever the urge arose and he let yet another
one fly.
Finally, Dad threw down his newspaper in disgust
and bellowed, "Rover! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OFF
THAT COUCH BEFORE HE S.H.I.T.T.S ON YOU!!!"

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[precious]

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but
discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son - to
use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who was
at site. After Junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform
her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times
he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Men!!)
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site,
immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap. While
the man was trying to ask why, she repeated the slap. People from
the neighborhood rushed over to know the cause of this. The man
asked Junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he
called, Junior said:
 "The number u are trying to call Is not reachable at the
moment. Pls Try again later"

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