Author Topic: Make Me Laugh!  (Read 407780 times)

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Offline kitkat

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #270 on: July 06, 2007, 12:19:45 AM »
THINK LIKE A LOSER.....

1-Learn that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2-Never rush into a job or opportunity without a lifetime of consideration.

2-Believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from your obligations.

1-All deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

3-Never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

4-If at first you donít succeed, there is always next year.

5-Always decide not to decide, unless of course you change your mind.

6-Always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when you get around to it.

7-Know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

8-Never put off tomorrow, what you can forget about forever.

Congratulations, you are now officially thinking like a loser.

Offline IBB

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #271 on: July 06, 2007, 12:35:27 AM »
There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole
world!!
 
Once when Bubba got a new job, he says to his new boss, "Boss, I
know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him,
so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but
Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!"
then Bubba says "Pick someone and I know them!"
 
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a
name.
 
"Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba say "Tom
Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were
kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says
"Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom
Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck
answers and Bubba says "Tom!!!" and Tom says "Bubba!" and they
hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe
it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one
person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody
else!"
 
This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill
Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I
do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's
boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" So
they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a
press conference. They work their way through the crowd until
Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!"
and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference
they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned
- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two
people in one country - that doesn't mean he knows everyone in
the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick
someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
 
And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope!
You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pose
BAPTIZED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba
says "Yes he did!" So they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving
Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work
their way through the crowd - without much luck - so Bubba says
"Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these
people so I tell you what - I'll work my way up there and when I
do, I'll give you a sign that show you I know the Pope!" and he
leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just
when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the
balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!
 
Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back
and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss!
Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what
happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says, "OK, I can see
Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton and I can even take the
Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks
 
'Who's that up there with Bubba?', that's a little more than I
can take!"
IHS

Offline *~MuDa~*

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #272 on: July 06, 2007, 09:11:45 PM »
Confession

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

here is another one....

Fooling Around

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
...He begot not, nor is He begotten!
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Offline IBB

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #273 on: July 12, 2007, 09:33:52 PM »
MARRY BY ALL MEANS
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife,
there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of
transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
IHS

Offline HUSNAA

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #274 on: July 13, 2007, 03:19:00 AM »
Men disparaging their wives is an unconscious way of protesting the fact that they cant live without them.  So let them disparage till the cows come home. Man cant live without woman. Remember that Allah Created paradise, He Created Adam and Put him in paradise. Despite all the pleasures available in paradise, Allah Created Eve for Adam. So why was it that the pleasures of paradise were not enough? Adam had to have Eve to enjoy paradise to the full. Think about it!!!!
Ghafurallahi lana wa lakum

Offline bakangizo

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #275 on: July 13, 2007, 02:33:56 PM »
Gaisheki dai ;D

Offline Mufi

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #276 on: July 13, 2007, 04:37:29 PM »
Men disparaging their wives is an unconscious way of protesting the fact that they cant live without them.  So let them disparage till the cows come home. Man cant live without woman. Remember that Allah Created paradise, He Created Adam and Put him in paradise. Despite all the pleasures available in paradise, Allah Created Eve for Adam. So why was it that the pleasures of paradise were not enough? Adam had to have Eve to enjoy paradise to the full. Think about it!!!!
You said it wonderfully, i couldn't have said it better than that.
Life is like a flower; more exquisite and precious when shared with others.

Offline Dan-Borno

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #277 on: July 13, 2007, 06:17:05 PM »
Beijin Declaration!
"My mama always used to tell me: 'If you can't find somethin' to live for, you best find somethin' to die for" - Tupak

Offline *~MuDa~*

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #278 on: July 13, 2007, 09:34:52 PM »
LOL hard at IBB's joke
...He begot not, nor is He begotten!
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Offline EMTL

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #279 on: July 14, 2007, 12:57:42 PM »
Assalamu alaikum,
...this is becoming very interesting, let me share with you what i read in a book (Courtship & Marraige in Islam) about Husband and wife:

Man would not find a better friend than his wife. She (a pious wife) conceals his secrets, supports his endeavours, allays his fears and troubles, ignites and then quenches the flame of his desire. She provides for him and their children solace and security. In a pious husband, a woman finds protection and love. Apart from him (husband) nothing screens her secret and weaknesses other than her grave. Allah (SWT), the Exalted, says in the Holy Qur'an: “Among his signs is that He created mates for you from among yourselves that you may find rest in them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts.” Q (30: 21)

Your wife is your partner, your other half and your life mate. She can be your Hassanah in this world and "the blessing of your life," but only if you give her the chance to be. She is the one who can bring a smile to your face and dry the tears of pain from your eyes. She has the potential to provide your family with iman, happiness, encouragement, and patience in the face of challenges you may face. Your wife is always ready to sacrifice everything in order to bring happiness and success to the family.

No one can claim that marriage is always blissful or that there will never be any hardships to face. But, if the basis of the relationship is Shariah Compliant: strong and each person has a clear vision of his partners' rights, then challenges can easily be overcome.

One, two three or Four???
A successful Man is that who married two women at STP- ofcourse the Glorious Quran urges men to marry 2, or 3, or 4 and marry only 1 as the last option. The first option is 2.

A person with up to 3 wives at STP like a 'Judge' he treats many cases

A person is like a 'Government'. Do I need to define a Government?

If a man clings to ONLY 1 wife, he is most times frustrated, he deprive himself of love, freedom, choice and supplementary Ibadat. Both the Husband & wife are not certain they love each other- fisabillah, most times they complain as IBB wrote above.

A Bachelor is like an un-born.

A Divorcee has succesfully Failed an improtant test in life. Let him ponder on lessons learnt and take a resit.

STP: same time and place.
« Last Edit: July 14, 2007, 01:03:01 PM by EMTL »
In the Affairs of People Fear Allah (SWT). In the Matters Relating to Allah (SWT) Do not be Afraid of Anybody. Ibn Katthab (RA).

Offline *~MuDa~*

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #280 on: July 14, 2007, 01:49:16 PM »
Wow...! R u saying that it is now compulsory to marry 2? What if i find solace in the first wife?
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Offline HUSNAA

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #281 on: July 14, 2007, 04:39:21 PM »
Marry 2 ,3 or 4 and if u cant treat them with equal justice (and u can never do so) then marry only 1.
Seems to me that the clause (u can never treat wives equally) means that the last option (1 wife) is the default option and NOT any of the others... although being from opposite sexes, we will never see eye to eye on the issue........however u are right about not being certain of loving each other if its just one man and one woman. What I mean is that at least for a woman her emotional mettle is tested more if she has a cowife than if she doesnt have one. Anyway men are incapable of sustaining emotional love, that is why they can live with more than one woman.
« Last Edit: July 14, 2007, 04:41:01 PM by HUSNAA »
Ghafurallahi lana wa lakum

Offline EMTL

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #282 on: July 15, 2007, 10:25:20 AM »
Wow...! R u saying that it is now compulsory to marry 2? What if i find solace in the first wife?

Assalamu alaikum,
Some people are even exempted, let me also qoute from the book on Marriage and Courtship in Islam:
Factors Determining The Position Of Marriage To A Muslim. As described below, desire, health and means are the factors that determine whether it is compulsory (Fard), lawful and recommendable (Halal), detestable (Mak’ruh) or prohibited (Haram) for a person to marry.

Marriage is Fard (compulsory) to a person who can afford the means, is healthy and cannot control his desire for women though he likes bearing children.

ii It is Halal (Lawful); marriage is halal (lawful) to a person who can afford the means while he can control his desires despite being healthy.

iii. It is Mak’ruh (detested) to a person who may be healthy but cannot afford rearing and does not possess any desire for women.

iv. It is Haram (prohibited) to a person who is not healthy (e.g. impotent) and and/or has no desire for women.

It is therefore important for those Muslim brothers, who can afford, to marry multiple wives, to emulate the Holy Prophet (PBUH) and his Companions (RA). This is recommended according to the following hadith narrated by Said bin Jubair (RA) who said bn 'Abbas (RA) asked me, "Are you married?" I replied, "No." He said, "Marry, for the best person of this nation (Muslim Umma) of all other Muslims (i.e., Muhammad [PBUH]), had the largest number of wives." 37

Muda,
If you send me your address i could send you a copy of this little book Insha Allah.

The bottom line is that Marriage is an act of worship.
« Last Edit: July 15, 2007, 10:56:05 AM by EMTL »
In the Affairs of People Fear Allah (SWT). In the Matters Relating to Allah (SWT) Do not be Afraid of Anybody. Ibn Katthab (RA).

Offline EMTL

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #283 on: July 15, 2007, 11:00:50 AM »
Marry 2 ,3 or 4 and if u cant treat them with equal justice (and u can never do so) then marry only 1.
Seems to me that the clause (u can never treat wives equally) means that the last option (1 wife) is the default option and NOT any of the others... although being from opposite sexes, we will never see eye to eye on the issue........however u are right about not being certain of loving each other if its just one man and one woman. What I mean is that at least for a woman her emotional mettle is tested more if she has a cowife than if she doesnt have one. Anyway men are incapable of sustaining emotional love, that is why they can live with more than one woman.

The position of Shariah is marry 2, or 3 or 4 or ONLY 1 (in fact the last option is for one to marry a slave girl- when they were available). The first option therefore is 2.
In the Affairs of People Fear Allah (SWT). In the Matters Relating to Allah (SWT) Do not be Afraid of Anybody. Ibn Katthab (RA).

Offline EMTL

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #284 on: July 15, 2007, 11:11:39 AM »
Marry 2 ,3 or 4 and if u cant treat them with equal justice (and u can never do so) then marry only 1.
Seems to me that the clause (u can never treat wives equally) means that the last option (1 wife) is the default option and NOT any of the others... although being from opposite sexes, we will never see eye to eye on the issue........however u are right about not being certain of loving each other if its just one man and one woman. What I mean is that at least for a woman her emotional mettle is tested more if she has a cowife than if she doesnt have one. Anyway men are incapable of sustaining emotional love, that is why they can live with more than one woman.
In the Affairs of People Fear Allah (SWT). In the Matters Relating to Allah (SWT) Do not be Afraid of Anybody. Ibn Katthab (RA).

 


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