Author Topic: Make Me Laugh!  (Read 427726 times)

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Offline Dave_McEwan_Hill

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #690 on: December 09, 2008, 08:11:56 PM »
A couple are shopping together when the man picks up a crate of beer and sticks them into the trolley.
 
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife
 
"They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans" he says
 
"Put them back. We can't afford it." says the wife and they carry on shopping
 
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
 
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man
 
"It's my face cream. It makes me look a lot better" she says
 
The man replies... "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price!"
maigemu

Offline IBB

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #691 on: December 10, 2008, 03:38:29 AM »

LOL
IHS

Offline Muhsin

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #692 on: December 10, 2008, 02:38:07 PM »
LOL Dave. :)

Get to know [and remember] Allah in prosperity & He will know  [and remember] you in adversity.

Offline ajingi

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #693 on: December 11, 2008, 11:43:16 AM »
Marriage Software

This is what a guy wrote to our systems analyst
(Marriage Software Division):

Dear Systems Analyst,

I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend
7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.

I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0", but uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?

... AND THIS IS WHAT OUR ANALYST SAID:

Dear Customer,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0  but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).

Having Wife 1..0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the......... C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.

It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\ KISSES 600.0" or "TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 1000.0" or even Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if Child processing has already started).

DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1 " (Short Skirt Version)
or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.

BEST WISHES! and if everything fails, contact software maker- tech support and pray to ALLAH for solutions to all your wife.1 software problem.

Yours, Systems Analyst..
I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.

Offline IBB

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #694 on: December 14, 2008, 11:48:10 PM »
I know this joke is suppose to be funny. I wonder where u have been hiding all those years when this joke was circulating in our mobile phones.

C'mon make me laugh!
IHS

Offline HUSNAA

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #695 on: December 15, 2008, 05:11:34 AM »
that joke is so so stale it is full of fungus.. Its been around for years as IBB pointed out.
Ghafurallahi lana wa lakum

Offline *~MuDa~*

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #696 on: December 20, 2008, 07:34:34 PM »
Birthday Present

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
...He begot not, nor is He begotten!
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Offline *~MuDa~*

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #697 on: December 20, 2008, 07:37:50 PM »
One Wrong Question
Here is another crazy one..

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we' ve decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why

You gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'
...He begot not, nor is He begotten!
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Offline waduz

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #698 on: December 30, 2008, 11:23:41 AM »
Where to, in this rain? asks a friend to a fool.

Going home to get my umbrella. Answered the fool!

Offline Dave_McEwan_Hill

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #699 on: January 05, 2009, 02:48:44 AM »
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong. Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't do it."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
maigemu

Offline waduz

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #700 on: January 28, 2009, 02:03:19 PM »
A man passed by someone standing in a farm when he was travelling in the morning. On his way back in the evening, he saw the same man standing at the exact spot he saw him. He then decided to find out if anything was wrong with the man:

Traveller: Hey buddy, saw you standing all day here, anything the matter?

Standing Man: Huh, yep, our boss in the office said any one "outstanding" in his field, will be
                     promoted to the next rank, and so here I am, out-standing in my field. ;D

Offline Dave_McEwan_Hill

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #701 on: February 01, 2009, 08:49:11 PM »
A sluggish husband is having a long lie in his bed when his wife walks in carrying a sheep underher arm
" This " she says "is the pig I have to have sex with"
Husband opens one eye and says " I think you'll find that that is a sheep."
" I wasn't talking to you" says the wife
maigemu

Offline Dan-Borno

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #702 on: March 10, 2009, 10:32:12 AM »
sako daga gun budurwa zuwa saurayinta.



** ROLL DOWN TOU YOU  ** KISS BEFORE YOU READ
** ' P D N F'--- please do no fold

Roll down to you sweetiepie Babe!

Time and ability plus double capacity has forced my pen to dance automatically on this benedicted sheet of paper. Why! this miraculous thing happened is because papie I love you spontaneously and as I stand horizontal to the wall and perpendicular to the ground I only think of you, since you are a fantastic and fabulous guy. papie please Stop haranguing with the feelings in my heart because I love you more than a snake loves rat. To me each day starts by thinking of you and ends by dreaming of you. Each time I see you my metabolism suddenly stops and my peristalysis goes in reverse gear. My medular-oblandata also stops functioning.

Crazy crazy crazy you may say but this is true. If only you knew what is going on in my encephalon you would understand. That's why I need to see you face to face with you, soon. I think I have to pen-off hear because I still haven't finished studying electrolysis and polymerization.  Catch you pa- later. Sleep tight and don't let those bed bugs ever bite you coz you are too sweet a thing for them.

Yourz Ever,
Sugar tapi tapi


and the gread bobo replies back


** ROLL DOWN TOU YOU  ** KISS BEFORE YOU READ
** ' P D N F'--- please do no fold

My Love, My Sugar, i was exasperated with pride to have received one from you, the lungs in my body flapped with joy when i have been reading your letter. Anyway by now you have reached the realisations to why i am jotting this small letter to you, yes it is to see if you are keeping with the sands of time.

How is everything on that other side of yours? Well here everything is just half lemon half sugar to makeit schweppes. How is your schooling? How are you pulling the wagons of life? I am just pulling the schooling thing like a donkey pulling a cart.

My honie, i am missing you very much right now, my heart is perambulating with every word that i write, if it was not for these oceans that decided to flow between us then i would get on the next bus to come and see you, but until then i know that i will not hesitate to put this blue blood on this paper and write to you. I remember that day lovie, that one sweet day as Maria Curry sanged it, you know that it is my favorites song honie, the one day that we were boarding the combies and you escorted me to my home, walking with you just brought sweet dreams to me for the rest of my life honie.

If words of love could ride a bicycle I would be competing against Diego Maradona. Anyways, i will not stop you from reading the books that give you life and education so I will stop here for today.
Please always writing to me because I am missing you like sugar misses tea. You can see my foto above.

My dedications to you are :


   Maria Curry - One Sweet Day.

   Boys to Main - And of the Rod

Keep well my mop of my heart, Yours in flesh and in blood,  Ruise Sugar Baby

P.S. Sorry about my english, I did not learn anymore
"My mama always used to tell me: 'If you can't find somethin' to live for, you best find somethin' to die for" - Tupak

Offline gogannaka

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #703 on: March 13, 2009, 02:16:59 AM »
LOL DB where did u get these pictures na dauka irin wadannan hotunan kona su ake.
Amma fa ka iya yans.
If i could give a name to the lady i'd call her Mary. Sosai tayi kama da Mary.Kai i'm sure ma sunan ta Mary from Adamawa ko Taraba ko Gombe.
Surely after suffering comes enjoyment

Offline waduz

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Re: Make Me Laugh!
« Reply #704 on: March 13, 2009, 10:15:31 AM »
Ko Grace ba! Amma shi Dan gayen fa? Ko dai Dan..... ne yan kankani?!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D

 


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