Arranged Marriages: A Gift or A Curse

[*~MuDa~*]

hi guys,

I havent been around for a while, i just wanted to express some thoughts on the topic of discussion and to here what u have to say, i was on a trip to Benin city, i passed through several naija towns and i saw several naija cultures that were intriguing. so the idea kinda popped out from somehwere and i thought it the best to share it with u guys.

Arranged marriages, what do u have to say about that? In some societies especially in the past poeple only meet their wives on their first matrimonial night? Some met their wives ages ago, some gashi nan dai, we all know about that, what do u think are the advantages, and the shortcommings? Would you rather know ur lifepartner habbits and characters earlier b4 marriage, will you trust ur parents word by accepting a wive or husband of their choice, can you take the risks of venturing into a life time affair blindly?

People pls let me hear what u have to say....as una know se many of us are yet to be married so we are eager to learn. That does not mean i have been bethroted o! Ehen.

[HUSNAA]

Very good topic Muda.
In some societies, arranged marriages seem to work wonders. Infact it is said that arranged marriages last longer than non arranged marriages. This is what the Fulanis and the Katsinawas are so fond of doing: auren gida, cousin marriages and so on. However in everything, the motive behind the arrangement is what makes it a success or a failure. If a father arranges his daughter's marriage based on the good character of the man in question then maybe the marriage will last. And if the wife was also obedient to the wishes of her husband, then it lasts also.  In the past arranged marriages also worked because there was extraordinary obedience and subservience to the patriarch of the house, on the part of both or one partner. For example the couple will stay married for better or for worse regardless of whether they were happy with each other or not. That is so that they would not appear to be disrespecting the wishes of the patriarch or cause any fractions within the extended family unit. Also in our polygamous society as the man is entitled to more than just one, he may after a while go after his own choice as a second wife, thus killing two birds with one stone.
I think it is better even if the marriage were to be arranged, for the prospective spouses to get to know each other socially. That way some form of understanding may develop before they take the final step. If a person chose his own spouse, its no gurantee that the person he/she chose will turn out to be an agreeable life partner. And even so, in our set up, where living together is tabooed and haram, one can never really know the person one is marrying just through the constant casual visits and gift bearing and all that. One has to really live with them. That is why some societies opt to live with each other before saying 'i do i do'. The downside to that ofcourse is that the couple easily tire with each other as is the norm with any relationship. So as there is no contract bindimng them, they may decide to split. The problem is that, this is what will keep happening no matter how many ppl they decide to live with before tying the knot. So its better to tie the knot and then grow tired of each other. That way, you cant leave each other on the slightest whim because there is a contract binding the couple.
I will tell you the best method for getting the best husband or wife. Ka/ki je ka/ki  dukufa wajen Ubangiji, by doing tahhajjud constantly and fasting now and then asking Allah Ya baka ko Ya baki abokin zama wanda ya fiye maka/miki alheri. That is the only sure bunker way of getting a good life partner.

[Muhsin]

I will tell you the best method for getting the best husband or wife. Ka/ki je ka/ki  dukufa wajen Ubangiji, by doing tahhajjud constantly and fasting now and then asking Allah Ya baka ko Ya baki abokin zama wanda ya fiye maka/miki alheri. That is the only sure bunker way of getting a good life partner.

Aunty Husnaa has finished magana by raising the above points. But I will also like to add something which I hope and think can be of importance when back as for now, I don't have much time.

Wish you'll return lafiya kalau Muda.

[Muhsin]

How to Choose a Good Wife

In Islam, a good wife is considered to be the greatest blessing in this world. Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al 'As, may Allah be pleased with them, related that the Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him said: "This world is a blessing for us, and the greatest blessing in it is a good wife."

Islam gives us guidance to help a man to choose a good wife because they will share the rest of their life together and she will be the mother of his children and keeper of his secrets, and she will instruct their children in the traditions and teachings of Islam. The Messenger of Allah, blessings and peace be upon him, said: "Man wishes to marry a woman for four reasons: her wealth, her family, her beauty or her Deen (the practice of Islam). Catch the one who upholds the Deen, or you will not be able to fulfill all your wishes. (Bukhari and Muslim)

What are the characteristics of a good wife in Islam? The Messenger of Allah, blessings and peace be upon him, said: "The best wife is the one who when you look at her you will be happy that she is your wife. If you ask her to do something she will do it, and when you are away she will keep herself only for you and protect your property." (An-Nasai)  He warned us against marrying a beautiful woman with no deen. He once said to his Companions: "I warn you against marrying Khadaru ad-damin!" "What is Khadaru ad-damin?" asked the Companions. He replied: "A beautiful woman from bad family. She will weaken your Islam, spoil your children and bring you many problems. (Addaru Kutuniyya)

[*~MuDa~*]

OMG Husnaa i just knew u will be the first to respond or have something to say. Anyway it doesnt matter, u have said it all, quite a good summary, but u have forgotten to tell us ur veiw, u were very clever though.

Muhsin thanx a lot for the safety prayer, i was home safe, not even a mosquito bite...lol.

I tell you guys what, i would have been very stupid if i havent posted this topic here, from the look of things, people have so much to say about this, Husnaa u said well about A. M. (arranged marriages) in ethnical context, i will have to add that i have heard that the yorubas have a tradition they call 'Wa jo ku" or sumthin...i cant really remember but it literally mean "come lets sit", technically it denotes that the wife have to leave with the husban for a certain period before he can approve of her well being, character, person and if she can bear children or not. Well na Africa.

Muhsin took the matter from a religious perspective, you explained well in details backed with hadiths and quotations from the Qur'an, but i will say u had a major flaw in ur contribution, you tittled the topic "How to Choose a Good Wife" what about "How to Choose a Good Husband"? Dont be biased now, am tired of HUsnaa, Fateez, Hafsy and Ummita picking on me that i always post misogynistic topics. so the topic is on Arraged Marriages, so all parties are affected... lol dont be offended ka ji...i just need to know how u guys feel about these things.

[kitkat]

I saw a documentary on arranged marriages in pakistan. It painted a very gory picture of unhappiness and despair, but it was in the context of pakistanis in britain who when an arranged marriage in britain fails, will now arrange for a groom or bride from pakistan.
The wa joko culture in yoruba i believe is a result of their fixation with the ability to bear children by the wife and so the couple are encouraged to try it out which results in a large percentage of weddings with the bride heavy with child!
Down north i beleive if the couple are lucky and find compatibility it works like a charm, but we cant deny that problems arise from time to time.

[amira]

This is a good topic, but i'll be back on it ;)

[precious]

Hi.
You can look at A.M's from different angles.
If a man has someone chosen for him since childhood and he later falls for another it definitely wont be a gift and vice versa.
If the marriage succeeds,good for the zumunci and if it does'nt ...
The failure of arrange marriages affects the two parties involved in a negative way.I come from a family that used to,still do actually, have arrange marriages.I must say most of those marriages have been successful from our point of view.As Yaya Husnaa has pointed out though, in those days the wives were quite subservient.These days,gaskiya mun yi "ilimi" kowa ta san "rights" dinta.So women are not sooo dormant,if i may use the word,anymore.
I have seen cases in which the marriage failed between cousins and it soured the relationship between the families of the spouses and the parents all happened to be brothers and sisters.U know ,this X .The husbands father being the brother of the wifes mother and the husbands mother being the sister of the wifes father.Kun gane? Any way da auren yayi tsami haka ma zumucin yayi tsami har da 'yan zage zage.
There are different cultures and different attitudes to marriage.In my opinion marriages also work depending on how we all value marriages.And of course how religious we are.Kai! no I take that back.Allah akwai wata aunty dina da aka hada ta da wani ustaz wanda ke kwanan masallaci da azumi akai akai.In the end Allah dukan tsiyaya ke mata.Kuma  harda lokacin da take da ciki.
Anyway, my little piece on the topic...

[kitkat]

Hi.
I come from a family that used to,still do actually, have arrange marriages.I must say most of those marriages have been successful from our point of view.

Hmmm.. Galadanci kenan, they congregate every once in a while in zubairaiyya hall and marry off one cousin to another,keep it in the family.


Welcome back by the way...

[HUSNAA]

Hi.
I come from a family that used to,still do actually, have arrange marriages.I must say most of those marriages have been successful from our point of view.

Hmmm.. Galadanci kenan, keep it in the family.


Welcome back by the way...

i disagree KK, share the genes... they are good ones...dont keep them within the family lol ;D

OMG Husnaa i just knew u will be the first to respond or have something to say

That predictable Eh? ;D

[*~MuDa~*]

@ Husnaa, Ehen now, i was positive.

Well i think using galandanci as a case study in Kano is a good example, the Galandanci people if not always, are into A.M.s alot. Its not bad but medically i heard that majority of them have cronic Athma, due to the intensity of Athmatic genes (i dont know jack about medicine) coming together to form an offspring (biologist am i right?) hope i am, anyway u guys get what am saying right? I'm not trying to pick on them, i have galadanci friends with the tragic ilness. What do you think?

[precious]

Wai a duk Kano ba mutanen da ke yin A.M ne?Everytime people ask me where im from and i tell them Kano the first thing they say is Galadanci.Duk Kano babu kyawawa(ehem) sirara masu gashi kuma wadanda suka yi ilimin gaba da sekandare sai 'yan Galadanci,ko?Mtss.It isnt fair...

Thanks Kitty Kat.You know I missed Kano online.It used to be that i'd log in every day.Till i stopped.

[HUSNAA]

@ Husnaa, Ehen now, i was positive.

Well i think using galandanci as a case study in Kano is a good example, the Galandanci people if not always, are into A.M.s alot. Its not bad but medically i heard that majority of them have cronic Athma, due to the intensity of Athmatic genes (i dont know jack about medicine) coming together to form an offspring (biologist am i right?) hope i am, anyway u guys get what am saying right? I'm not trying to pick on them, i have galadanci friends with the tragic ilness. What do you think?

Biologically speaking, that is correct. Too much inter marriages within same clan or family unit tends to concentrate the gene pool so that  unhealthy genes get a chance to become dominant alleles and manifest themselves oftener than they would otherwise do in a diluted gene pool. I dont know much about the Galadanci clan myself except I know one or two of them professionally. I say their genes are still good, because they are very intelligent and yes, Precious, the girls are good looking, some very much so. So they need to dilute them in order to get the best out of them. Amma kuma duk da haka, I have a sister whom duk 'yan matan galadancin sai dai su sara mata wajen kyan, da ilimin  da sheer charisma and presence! (hehehehe  ;D ;D ;D ;D)

[amira]

Arranged marriges can be good and bad there are so many factors, but if it works out well to sai hamdala but if not then boy you dont wanna go there cos some families take it to the extreme. Like precious rounded it up.
So you see if you eva find yourself in dis situation..........
........then i cant help you ;D ;D am kidding

[mlbash]

:).