Grounds for divorce?!?!?!?!?!

[Anonymous]

I have a problem. Although am new to this board, i will appreciate all replies.
I have been married for 2 yrs now and it seems everything is collapsing all around me.
I am a second wife and i don't have any probs with the my mate though we don't live together. We get to meet frequently and we do get along.
Before we got married everything was blissful and ppl actually encouraged me to marry him cos he was so caring. The ppl who objected did so cos 'yana da mata'. Up till a year ago everything was fine but suddenly we don't talk anymore. We don't stay in the same place he only comes for weekends. He hardly calls and when i do we exchange pleasantries THAT IS ALL. I don't know when he's coming or going or even where. When i ask him when he's travelling he say's he doesn't know only for me to find out he has left when i come back from the office.
We live with some relatives of his and recently when ever i going into the bedroom we share and he's with them he starts harping......ba sallama..... or da Allah ki bamu wuri .......i know sometimes he's joking but even in jokes ppl tend to say what's really on their minds. It does hurt me when he does this but still i do as he wishes. Mostly i just go in to drop my bag, get something or even pray.
I know he has a string of girlfriends outside (I know most of the female members here will say i deserve it cos i used to be one). It doesn't bother me so much cos i believe having a good and understanding relationship with your husband is something that no woman can take away from you.
I know i have been taking a lot of things from my husband (although baya zagi ba ya duka) but may be i am old fashioned but I do believe that their is more to marriage than just sleeping together. And frankly speaking I have had it up to my neck and i would not want to go on with this marriage .........if it is going to continue like this for the rest of my life.
I have tried talking to my husband mostly zai ce ki yi hakuri amma ba zai canza ba. I believe i am still young and desirable if he doesn't want me in his life or feels he is no longer attracted to me i believe islamically it is better to divorce and let me have a life instead of just letting me hang in there.
I'll welcome criticism and i will clarify issues not clear. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I will like to add that sometime ago my husband and i talked about conceiving and he said he was not ready that he didn't think even i was ready, anyway I said i was. Prior to that we had been practicing safe period. I did concieve and when i had tested, i sent him text and told him. Well, to date he has not acknowledged the pregnancy ko yajiki bai shiga tsakanin mu ba and i am already in my second trimester.
anxiously awaiting your response.

[ummita]

Salam sista WW.
I read all that you have stated. To start with divorce isnt the first step..........

Yeah I have read it all. You and ur husby are not in good terms......ok yeah he has a second wife...but she isnt the problem neither d solution. Ur husband is the problem...& wat is it? He doesnt give you that full attetion!!!(corect me if am mistaken)

2 start with.......have you ever tried to talk to him...to tell him the fact that you have noticed his changes in attitudes and that you r not really happy with his newly changed behaviour?

kinsan communication skills is d best vital link to a good happy marriage life!!!

Secondly, in all that you have stated, I c no genuine reason to start thinking about divorce. From my own point of view, there r only three ground that stand a chance 4 divorce, but b/4  I even go further......In Islam mace is not allowed to file a divorce agaisnt her husband xcept she is receiving a harsh treatment, which in ur case bayamiki....sai dai rashin kula kawai ko...cuz he neva hits nor curses u ko?...xcept that....he is not giving you that husbandly luv ko?

ok you can only file a divorce against ur husband if: he has committed adultery outside ur marriage even if he did...unless u cannot bear or tolerate livin with him...then u can file for a divorce.

Divorce is permisable in Islam if ONLY you find your husband behaviour outrageous that you cannot bear wat so eva d circumstance....which in ur case.....he is not nasty to you...juss a lil changes in behaviour ko?

Yes you r ryt when use said....ba kya ganin shi...but then again that duz not give u d prividlege to start thinking about divorce.....because had it been he is seperated for u for such a looooooooong period of tym at least two years, with an intention of deserting u,or mayb he has left u for som1 else, or both of you are livin seperately.... then if amonsgt these listed, is of which u have become a victim, then I say you can proceed for filing a divorce. if that is really want you want..........

amman tsaya........before you go.......Is it trully wat u want? Kinason fita daga gida mijin ki? If no.....go back inside & sit......listen to this: Have you asked him if there was anything wrong? Probably u did him wrong? May b he myt b going thru some sort fo personal problem, u neva know!! Mayb theres something wrong which causes his unreasonable behaviour towards you... have u tried...tlkin ,.....have u tried counsellin? Infact, u r still wat I will call a new wedded amarya...u r still young then, so isnt it quite reasonable to report these incident to him/ur parents..even though nasan shi babban ne wanda ya kama hankalinshi but still u can tell iyanshi & naki so that they can assist & find a solution

kinsan........hakuri solves everything...juss keep being strong....patience duz everything..dont go out of d bloom sum up...yeah! am filing a divorce, saboda, baya bani tym, ko kuma saboda yana tafiya baya gayamin..even when u r ryt on it.....I can understand I am absolutely with u, have every ryt 2 b mad,....angry...frustrated but then again, calm down,...make sure u r out of these.......before thinkin about any divorce issues...........

Cumin down..to this issue: i c no reason why a man.....will give u a child & indirectly deny it even when d child is still an unbron!!!.....agree 2 disagree ppl.....he is indirectly denyin his own child......ya za'ayi mutum nada mata......she txt'd u 2 inform u that u gon b a daddy.........not 2 show any happiness....ballentana remorse on mornin sickness that zata shiga......Not to even care!!! THAT is bad........Kinga idan bayaso. He doesnt want to be d daddy...u keep ur baby.....Allah has designed everything livin human ......

Here ur husband has turlly done you wrong but....I think there is something underneath anything..juss fynd out from him.........even if u r still goin 2 go on processin ur divorce......make sure u acknowledge him..so that he duz have a gud & clear intentions of such acts......

I here by stop: as am sure you will get gud responses from ma families e're.........& dont worry WW Allah baya bacci....may d lurd almyty bless ur unborn child......& may d lurd also loose the twists in your marriage life.......2 turn it 4 d better.

Everybody say Ameen......in main tym I here by welcome Worried Wife u 2 kanoonline....u wont regret putting up ur dilemma here...& inshallah u will become unwaorried or shud I say happy wife. Inshaallah!!!
Ma'assalam

[Gimbiya]

Secondly, in all that you have stated, I c no genuine reason to start thinking about divorce. From my own point of view, there r only three ground that stand a chance 4 divorce, but b/4  I even go further......In Islam mace is not allowed to file a divorce agaisnt her husband xcept she is receiving a harsh treatment, which in ur case bayamiki....sai dai rashin kula kawai ko...cuz he neva hits nor curses u ko?...xcept that....he is not giving you that husbandly luv ko?

I truly agree with ummita here. I don't think your ultimate decision is divorce, as I say to so many of my client you can work out anything in this world by communicating. You really need to talk to him, I think you don't give him time to think through his problem. the best thing to do here is make up a big date you and him and talk about everything that's on your chest, let it out. I think kina jin tsoro ko wani abu, it might be the fact that you are shy, because this is your first marriage I assume and you are newly weds, you have to give it time...
by the way what makes you come up with this harsh idea of divorce.

[Borg]

WW sannu da zuwa k-online. Ummita ta fada miki gaskiya and i will add a few things nima:

A kullun ki tuna cewa divorce is the worst permitted thing in the sight of Allah (SWT). Life must be extra unbearable b4 you even consider it.

Patience is a virtue, Prophet Mohammed (SAW) was asked which the best virtue was and he said patience (hakuri) 3 times. For most, zaman aure especially these days is more of zaman hakuri than that of jin dadi, so dole ki tura ran ki a nisa sosai. I am not saying you have to settle for the life you find yourself in now, but most likely with hakuri, you will see him pass this phase he is going through and things will change for the better. Kuma you must endavour to make sure biki yi masa laifi ba and always know that communication is the key, never let that line cut off.

Amma bai kyauta ba ko kadan idan har yanzu bai ce miki komai ba regarding your pregnancy. I need to know one thing though, dont tell me all you did was send him one SMS! I dont know with the rest of you pple here cos several times i have been sent sms' that i havent recieve till this day, and same for some i have sent... they just seemed to have vanished in the 'air waves'... it is possible your sms never reached him. But if you are already in your 2nd trimester he should have noticed the changes you are going through. Anyhow i think you should tell him face to face that you are having his baby.

Allah ya kara bada hakuri and ki tuna a kullun that 'mahakurci shi ne mawadaci'. Allah ya sa mu dace, Amin.

[Blaqueen]

haquri? she hardly sees him around.. they dont comunicate... he prolly doesnt know halin da take chiki..

HAVE U ANY IDEA HOW THAT HURTS?? ?? ?? ?? :-/

personally.. i would ask him wats up... why he's acting shady and what's on his mind... communication!

if he keeps on acting shady....i would juss call it off.. and ask for divorce... cuz aint no use in living like strangers... but thats what i think.

if i had means of taking care of myself.. y'know.. if i can support myself and my child... i would call it off.

its a pointless marriage... where is da love and happiness? :'( that's wuts marriage is about? how are u even sure he'll give ur child attention? the baby is under construction.. and he still could care less..... awwww

Worried Wife... may Allah bless u with strength and courage and patience!

[Borg]

FDQ ai hakuri has never been a simple or easy thing to do. This is a marriage between 2 people (2 pple that Allah(SWT) has brought together), no matter how hopeless, we cannot just jump to conclusions like that fa. There is no point raising the tensions any higher than they already are.

Take care of her baby??? Ai ba na ta bane it kadai. If by any chance (very unlikely) she gets custody of the child, imagine the pain of growing up not seeing your parents together. I think for the sake of her kid ma she should try just a little harder. Dont get me wrong, WW has been wronged seriously but taking the warriors path isnt the best solution for her at this time.

[Blaqueen]

... ok, people are always sayin.. for the sake of the kids.. sake of the kids...

sake of the kids?? ?? ?? ??

but um.. how would the kids feel when they grow up seeing their dad mistreating their mother?? or they grow up in a household where the dad is never around? or the parents are bickering at each other? a household where they obviously see that their mother is depressed and a reject.
it would be TRAUMATIZING!

they would automatically hate the father, or disrespect the mother... u cant let ur kids grow up in a household that lacks love and happiness... a household that lacks family understanding!

but who knows.. maybe he'll ADORE the child after it is born... maybe the husband is going thru something he cant sure with Worried Wife....
so i SUGGEST she has a DEEP CONVERSATION! with him...
IF he refuses to change.. i dont see why she should suffer...

and since he's actually ignoring the fact that she's pregnant.. wut makes u think he'll be more than happy to have custody of the child?

[Anonymous]

Humm!
Warried wife your story is so touching being a mother myself.
what i will Advice you is try not to take it too harsh,  
Think about saparation instead of divorce, go away for some time and give him plenty of space to think,  becouse sometime we don't really know what we have till is gone.

Kuma inkince divorce dinne, kinsan gaba kuma wazaki samu? :-/ Lamarin Aure sai hakuri, sai kaji kakiji, kuma kagani kaki gani.
And just keep praying.

[Gimbiya]

Hello,
worried wife, I rushed earlier to write my reply, because I was at work and busy. but I have since then I have seen a trend with all the people who are offering you their suggestion. and this is HAKURI/PATIENCE, they are totally right. I know for a fact that the number one thing I said to my clients is Communication. you guys are lacking that, for the simple fact that he doesn't talk to you I also think that you don't talk to him in the way you want to. you per se think that you are trying to talk to him, but the matter here is that you not letting him know... forgive me if I'm wrong, I think you feel like he should be the starter.
what I would suggest you do is jot down all the things that are bugging you right now, including your pregnancy. come to think of it, I think you got paranoid because you are pregnant right now. it's was okay before you concieve but it look like it's worrying you very much now. I have another wuestion for you.. does he have any children with the other wife? does he look like someone who doesn't like childre? ask yourself those question and you will probably come to see a light at the end of this tunnel.
I know it's hard, I'm a big communicator and believe me I get really upset very quickly, but you are only in your second year of holy matrimony don't you think you should talk to someone? I know people might think I'm crazy but I refer a lot of people to see marriage consulars but hausawa hates the idea, so as for you I will like to suggest that you seek your parents counsiling. your parents can always have meeting with him and he will know that's something ain't right in this marriage.
I have to go, but one last advice a dinga yi a na ke zuciya nesa... domin you can make matters worst, remember you are about to be a mother;) by the way I'm happy for you. so think about the counsling thingy it works.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all your responses. May Allah reward you abundantly.

I did try talking to him but he tunes me out by watching TV or playing games on his PC and hardly listens. Besides the only time we have alone is at night and most times he doesn't turn in early till 11 or 12 and then i am too sleepy or tired to bother especially since i need to get up early and go to work.
I've called him on the phone and most times he's with ppl and can't  talk or he's busy in the office. told him to call me when he has time talk and he tells me to call later and that makes me so angry and mad THAT i feel that he's just tuning me out again and doesn't even want to talk. Sometimes i call again and let him HAVE IT other times i just forget the whole thing and don't even call back. The circle is on again once more but this time around i will be patient and keep calling back cos he can't stall me forever. Eventually when i get him to listen to me i will tell him all that is on my mind. I won't ask him to divorce me or anything like that. I will ask him to tell me why he does these things to me, Cos i already asked him ko na mishi laifi ya ce a'a. To idan na mishi laifi i wonder what he'll do?

FDQ i agree with what you say (about kids) and what i firmly believe is Allah shi ke rayar wa. And i will really hate to see my kids grow to pity or disrespect me.

Borg i am sure he got my text and even if he didn't he's not blind to see the changes in me.

Ummita, gimbiya and Borg i agree with you that hakuri is maganin zaman duniya. But in my heart of hearts i just feel he doesn't want me anymore in his life why shld I ?
I believe it will be better for both of us to just go our seperate ways than to live together ana zaluntar wani.
I assume mun yi aure ne don muna son juna  (both of us)
to idan mun dai na son juna we don't have to stick it out and then the love will turn to hate. In situations like this matar ita ke shan wuya cos the man can always marry someone else whom he likes ke kuma a bar ki a tasha.

Gimbiya you did ask wether he has other children he has two children whom he loves very much you need to see him with them.

AS i said for now i won't do anything drastic like seperation (as SISTER suggested) cos i promised myself cewa so long as am married to my husband ba zan bar gidan sai dai when it's over. Cos the society in which we live is one that gulmace-gulmace and kananan magana sun yi yawa that if i shld go to my parents house my marriage will be over b4 it is really over. One of the reasons why i came online with my problem is don in nemi shawara da taimako a cikin rufin asiri. Done idan ka gaya ma iyayen ka they will end up hating ur husband and being too biased to help in any constructive way. Idan ka gaya ma friends shi kenan ka gaya wa uwa duniya ........an sami abin yi ai ta gulmar ka.

Ina sauraron ku....
Na gode.

[Anonymous]

Assalamu alaikum
Mrs i can imagine how u felt by this sudden change in your husband,in my own understanding is either somebody tell him or pampered him with some stories about u that are not pleasant to his ears,or the pregnancy issue is making u see hatred in your husband's behaviour,which everway like the other ladies said be patient and try to resolve things amicably.you know the type of person he is,u know his weak sides,use the weak sides as a weopon to protect your interest,u need to talk to him no matter what,pressurised him to tell if anything was wrong but not in a harsh manner try to show him your good side,i don't want to accuse your kishiya but try to understand what kishi is all about,think of how she reacted when she first met you,she can be friendly but harm in another way,and also your dangin miji might have also played a role,don't you have somebody amongst them that you are closed to.try and squized some information from her,i am not trying to add salt to an injury but this is all theories and in our society anything can happen but before accusing anybody you have to get closer to your husband,and please stop thinking of rabuwa is too early,and will not solve anythiung remember the pain of being called bazawara,and tsegumin da zai biyo baya,and anybody that will marry you will want to know the reasoning why your husband divorce you,and also remember taking your child to somebody's house,naka ma da ka haifa a gidan kishiyoyi yaya balle kuma kazo da agola,duk wadannan suna taimakawa wurin zaman mace a gidan mijin ta,though time has changed but still our society is not completely changed.at last one great weopon is prayer this is the time to get closer to your creator,pray hard day and night,recite the holy book every morning and bedtime,Allah ba azzalumin sarki bane yasan dake kuma yasan da mijin in har baki da hakki Allah bazai bar abin haka ba,
[please where is ummulhuda?she will give you some supplication to recite,please immul respond]Allah ya wuce mana gaba.

[Blaqueen]

Assalamu alaikum
Mrs i can imagine how u felt by this sudden change in your husband,in my own understanding is either somebody tell him or pampered him with some stories about u that are not pleasant to his ears,

that is an EXCELLENT point!!!!!...

thinking of rabuwa is too early,and will not solve anythiung remember the pain of being called bazawara,and tsegumin da zai biyo baya,and anybody that will marry you will want to know the reasoning why your husband divorce you,

"being called a bazawara"? that juss DISGUSTED meeh!!!! SO WHUT? so whut if people are looking down on her?? ?? ?? ?? WAS SHE BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD TO LIVE UP TO "THEIR" EXPECTATIONS?? ?? ?? OR IS SHE HERE TO LIVE UP TO GOD'S?? ?? ?? as long as the sister has good intentions for HER WELL-BEING!! Allah knows her intentions.. and Allah is with the truthful!

Allah be che ku zauna a chuche ku ba!

at last one great weopon is prayer this is the time to get closer to your creator,pray hard day and night,recite the holy book every morning and bedtime,Allah ba azzalumin sarki bane yasan dake kuma yasan da mijin in har baki da hakki Allah bazai bar abin haka ba,

AMIN!!!! prayers are most definately here to keep ur heart as ease!

please where is ummulhuda?she will give you some supplication to recite,please immul respond. Allah ya wuce mana gaba.

aaahh... like u know the person i'm waiting for to answer this... aunty ummul!

but f'real.... WORRIED WIFe, u should try and COMMUNICATE well enough... if he still wont listen... well, he's obviously giving u a hint!...
but talk to him.. maybe something personal is bothering him

i'm jus wondering.... how old is he? and maybe asking how u guys met will be a bit too much...
but analyze urself a bit...then analyze him, then the situation! WITH UR HUSBAND!

[nura]

Assalamu Alaykum

I can believe man can be this cruel to his wife. Nobody forced this fellow to marry you it was by choice but i will love to listen to his side of the story, that is if he has one. May be yana da ruwan ido ne, tunda yana da Girl Friends da yawa may be he realised a little too late that it is not you he wanted to marry. Sorry if i'm harsh but it just unbelievable, why did he marry you in the first place? Plase keep your child, Allah ya saukeki lafiya ya kuma baki da na gari. Sai kuma addu'a, ki dage ki sata gaba, kullu yaumin fi sha'atun.
Ki yawaita Subahanal walhamdulillah wa la'ilaha illalahu wallahu akbar walahaula wala quawwati illa billahi alyal azim, maganin damuwa ce sossai.

Amma gaskiya yana daukar hakki, ki taimake shi ki gaya masa gaskiya. Allah ya taimakeki ya kuma kareki, Allah kuma ya shiryeshi da mu gaba daya. Yan uwa a taimakawa worried wife da addu'a.

[nura]

Divorce is very undesirable, extremly so but of course Allah the Almighty says i Hadithil Qudsi that "I have forbiden opperession for myself and has forbidden it amongst you so do not oppress one another." Your husband is oppressing you, therefore there is ground for divorce. Not only that there seem to be no harmony, love is missing that is also a ground for divorce. Check http://www.fatwa-online.com/fataawa/marriage/divorce/9991120_2.htm for more information.