Author Topic: MOST DIFFICULT HELD CONVERSATIONS (WATS URS?)!!!!!  (Read 22915 times)

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Offline ummita

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MOST DIFFICULT HELD CONVERSATIONS (WATS URS?)!!!!!
« on: June 28, 2004, 05:08:10 PM »
Hi everyone.
Not 2 waist ur time, I just wanted 2 ask & perphaps 2 know how u go about most difficult held conversation without the second party feelin hurt!

Ok my freind asked if she cud die her hair & I told her dat Islam permits a person 2 die his/her hair aslong as its not black. She got her hair dyed in beige stricks wit a touch of PINK & styled it. She came home & asked me wat I taut about it...............(I simply replied that it didnt look nice at all) I didnt know where I went wrong she refused tlkin 2 me 4 3days. Am very unfront & straight, wen ppl want my view on a thing I say it point blank but even wen dey demselve know dat am sayin d truth dey still feel upset. Of recent I came 2beleive dat truth hurts (she laffs)

A cousin asked me of how she cud end her relationship wit a guy she neva liked but due 2 pity of how he was fallin head ova heels 4 her she went wit his flow. Even though I hardly like gettin in 2 dis kinda discussions, I told her 2 simply tell him 2 meet her up & tell him she aint interested anymore & am sure a man of worth is neva afraid 2 let go & he will accept it & move on. She said I had no heart of pity @ all, infact it turned out in2  huge argument wit d guy. But I taut she wanted d dude outta her life! Besides why is it hard 4 d guy 2 accept wat she decides & move on. So wats d best way 2 sweep dude/gul off ur shouldaz witout him/her feelin hurt?

I also witnessed where someone was tryin 2 convince another gul not 2 marry d guy she intended 2 cus he was d definition of a freak & she said her freind was juss jelous!

My lil nephew drew a pic of sum cartoony stuff & asked 4 my opinion. I creditedddddddd d drawin sayin it was absolutely perfect (as if) but added sumthin like "sweetie mayb if u make d eye smaller & paint d gul in pink it will me a gorgeous paintin. She went off 2 her mum cryin sayin I made it sound as if she drew a monster (I was totally gob smacked). She wanted my opinion I gave it 2 her.

A freind once confronted me yrs bck......2 inform me of something big, d fear d emotion, d uneasiness was written all ova d persons face. It took d person almost an hr 2 inform me dat someone dear 2 me passed away d night b/4. Since dat day I formed dis kinda of hatred 2wards d person who informed me about d death. I didnt even like 2 c site of d person not even his voice because it suddenly puts me in a state of shock & fear. It took me days 2 accept d truth. D person I hated wit a passion told me dat informin me about d death of d deceased was d most DIFFICULT thing dat he eva had 2 go thru 2 utter!

U wan2 tell ur granny dat wat she wants aint wat u want , so how u gonna tell her witout her thinkin................children of nowadays r so bloody unfront?

Typical xmaple. (Hafsy) sewed me a hausa dress.........d material was beautiful & all. She sent it 2 me & afta a couple of days rang 2 ask me if I liked it, I said I did like d material but I wasnt feelin 2 style. D dress was 2 tight, one can hardly breath in it & d skirt was 2 cut up & tight. Hafsy refused 2 ansa my fone calls 4 like 3wks!

Now u wan2 tell ur freind dat she shud stop duin wat u think is bad......no matta wat u tell her, even if its in a nicest way eva, her face reaction will give u dat "who do u think u r 2 tell me wats ryt"

A gul or a guy wan2 know things bout u. But u feel like u dnt like ppl gettin up close & personal wit u. U feel that wat remains ur business shud remain ur sole business. Wat concerns u, concerns u alone. So u tell him/her dat u wish not 2 tell dem nothing bout u. D second party gets totally upset! I taut one has a right 2 privacy & a right 2 hav his or her things left personal no matta wat!

U hav dis gul or guy in ur class & dey hav dis BADDDDDD SMELL. Mayb dey dnt wash up or brush........or ur boyfreind/gulfreind stinks how can u tell dem 2 wash up?

So hav u eva had a difficult conversations, tryin to convince someone of something, knowing that it will hurt? How do u go about it? Or wat was d best way 2 deal wit d scenarios I gave?

Despite ur slammin, am still jammin!!!

Offline kitkat

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most difficult held conversations
« Reply #1 on: June 28, 2004, 11:49:58 PM »
several scenarios , different responses. Thers nothing wrong with a little white lie, like telling the kid her painting is lovely. As for breaking bad news somebody has to do it and delaying it just makes things worse.
The best way to end a dead end r/ship is a straightforward clean break. Sometimes guys understand. In fact it,s girls that usually take it badly and come up with all sorts.

Talking about a difficult conversation i have always wondered how husbands manage to tell their wives they're marrying a second.I have heard all sorts of crazy antics by scared to death husbands going round in circles. Can you believe some don't even bother and leave it to the wife to find out one way or the other. Soe rely on friends to break the news at the last possible minit. Some send the wife on holiday, get married and wait for all hell to beak loose on her return.
What do you girls think is the best approach seeing as youre on the proverbial receiving end?

Offline straightalkin

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« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2004, 12:21:38 AM »
I am a strong advocate for 'straight talk' :wink: - no beating around the bush and no lies, just the honest truth. Sometimes the truth hurts but that doesnt mean we should tell lies instead... of course u can be diplomatic- for example rather than tellin someone that their hair doesnt look nice at all u could tell her that u would have preferred it another way... in fact i think most people may be hurt by the truth but they will still appreciate ur honesty and will most likely come back to seek ur counsel if they find themselves in a similar situation where they need an honest opinion... however it depends on the language u use when u deliver the message!!! so be careful.  

Most of the time when u find urself in a situation where u have to express an opinion- just imagine that u were in the other persons shoe's. or  u could also make it look like it is a problem that u urself have had...

i think the skill of handling difficult situations is something we learn and not something we are born with. there is a lot of literature on the art of negotiation on the web and elsewhere. might be helpful.


as for kitkat- i would like to imagine that u r a one woman man and that u r not pickin other peoples brains for tactics to employ????? :wink:  
anyway i think the best way to go about it is to be honest.... if i were the wife, i would rather hear it from the horse's mouth, and i would rather hear the real reasons and the honest truth despite the pain and hurt that might cause.

Offline kitkat

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« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2004, 10:18:52 AM »
I,m all for being straight forward. It makes life easier for everyone.
As for being a one woman man you,re right. A true soul mate even if I have to say so myself, but never say never is the name of the game, Do you know the ratio of men to women in this country now? where would all the girls be if all of us decided to take the one woman route.
One has to put the interest of our society b4 any romantic considerations.

Think of your poor unmarried  sisters out there.

Offline Twinkle

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« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2004, 02:26:57 PM »
This is a very good post and honestly I would also wanna how ppl t'work out.

Kitkat and straighttalking I agree with what you both are saying But the way I feel it is the more close you are to someone the more open minded you will be in your way of breaking any sort of news. Also the more closer you are to a person the more that person understands you and would be able to take a word outta yah mouth. But news death are always the hardest to say. I cant see myself breaking a news death! very shocking.

As ummita gave the background with her freind dying her hair. If meh and my freind really click and we really tight and we deeply freind gaskiya I wont be courtecious. I will tell her straight. "Girlfreind that hairsytle doesnt suit you at all". If it is someone that am not close to I would go with "girl that hair colour does not suit your personality it doesnt show off you beautiful face, it doesnt do you justice and maybe if you dye it in hazel and brown you will look trendy and pretty". That way I have boost her ego, you know manipulated her a little making her feel like "Halle Berri" made her comfy and convinced her without really coming out direct and making her feel upset. But as I said if it was someone like a sister or a cousin boi am giving them my peace of my mind. Id go "Your hair is wack get it toned"!!!

I dont know how comes alot of ppl have smelly collegues in their classes. We also had one. But honestly its nothing to do with mockery. The guy is cute at face has a good personality very brilliant but God he smells awful. He stinks like a mucky moose & jelly fish. A lot of girls liked the guy for his looks and kindess but anytime he passes by you will think you loosing your nose. So we taught how could we tell him. Dude you stink? We taught about writing a letter but taught he will be self concious & feel bad. We taught about telling him face to face but anytime we apporach him we seem to make a u-turn (no nerves). A freind said "action speaks louder than voice" so what if anytime he approaches us lets start sniffing and using a tissue or hanky to block off our nose. I taught that was so barbaric & rude. So plan "C" was crossed out. Finally we came up wit an Idea his birthday was coming in a week or so because he informed everyone. We purchased a big Soap bar, a beautiful sponge bath foam, a small Gucci colonge (one we could afford) and a funny birthday card that when you open it begins to sing *wash me clean, wash me clean  tralala lalalah, soap me clean, soap me clean & make me smell gooood* We we so glad to get that card it was just what we needed!! We wrapped it up & on his day we gave it to him. He was happy though we could see a lil distate. So he said to us I know what you guys are on about and have infact made the nicest way to let me know. He said kuyi hakuri dani, he said he had artherities which makes the bones swell & causes pain & that he was working on a treatement. GOSH THE SHAME ON OUR FACES. We taught Allah idan yaga dama he can put us through that but then again we didnt know! So sometimes its better to keepppppppppp shut!!! For the guy now he smells real good & his chemotheraphy treatment is over and he is dating a cute chika. Now when he comes around you will think the whole Gucci perfume factory is next to you.

But mostly to speak up is the best but its the talking that the difficult conversation because you dont wanna hurt someone


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Offline straightalkin

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« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2004, 09:12:06 PM »
Quote from: "kitkat"
I,m all for being straight forward. It makes life easier for everyone.
As for being a one woman man you,re right. A true soul mate even if I have to say so myself, but never say never is the name of the game, Do you know the ratio of men to women in this country now? where would all the girls be if all of us decided to take the one woman route.
One has to put the interest of our society b4 any romantic considerations.

Think of your poor unmarried  sisters out there.


LOL LOL very funny!!! u really expect me to believe that y'all do it for genuine humanitarian concerns??!!! please stop teasing!

Offline kitkat

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« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2004, 09:54:32 PM »
Why Why Why do ladies always react with disbelief to this line of reasoning. I cant say i speak for all monogamites on the underlying reasons behind there taking the plunge again and again, but I can tell you theres a whole different outlook to the issue nowadays. I,ts true a lot of guys are taking in extra wives for compassionate and moral reasons. With all thats happening out there its a civic duty. And guess what? Some broad minded women not only understand but actually encourage their husbands(dont laugh) to please please please contribute to a worthy cause by bringing in a mate. ( i,ts all the Islamiyya influence .Allah ya saka musu da Alheri)

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« Reply #7 on: June 30, 2004, 12:22:41 AM »
ikon Allah, kai amma ka bani dariya...lol lol lol...  har ma bani da abin ce wa... toh Allah ya saka musu da alheri din!

Offline straightalkin

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« Reply #8 on: June 30, 2004, 12:25:43 AM »
Quote from: "Anonymous"
ikon Allah, kai amma ka bani dariya...lol lol lol...  har ma bani da abin ce wa... toh Allah ya saka musu da alheri din!



that was me. still shocked!!

Offline Eskimo

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« Reply #9 on: June 30, 2004, 11:37:56 AM »
Being straight forward is the best thing a person could be!
yes no wahala just say your sincere opinion but if saying that opinion will hurt your bro then just keep quite, but dont lie to make someone happy...u hear...the bottom line is dont ever lie about what yyou feel!!!!! :!:  :!:

For example...when u re in a relationship, it is not possible to hold back if you feel you aint going any further again! the more you hold back the more it is likely to hurt the two of you...aint it better one should get hurt than two....another rule...always choose the lesser devil...if it is devil at all!! :!:  :!:

Imagine a short message sent to me by a friend almost 2 years ago when a girlfriend of mine had a fatal car accident. That very day around 9.00pm I recieve a text from him reading..'I am sorry to inform u Hajara died few hrs ago in an accident. meet u 2moro morn @ d funeral.' I felt it cos I knew she was coming back from Kaduna to Kano then. I immediately called him to confirm and then cld'nt sleep anymore!
I would have been more shocked if I discover her death after the funeral...which I must find out sooner or later...then why not soonest!!!

he said he did that so that I feel what they did anytime *I tell them the 'TRUTH'. But honestly I was happy he was coming up at last!

LEARN TO BREAK THE NEWS...like CNN!!! :D  :D  :D
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Offline Hafsy_Lady

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« Reply #10 on: June 30, 2004, 05:57:18 PM »
Technically speaking, sometimes having a little courtesy when trying to have a difficult conversation does help. But other times its not right to say things out pop and clear. Well like ummita said, I got her a material three pipul were after and willing to pay more just to have it. I had to pay extra, took it to the tailors who was going off for Sunday service I gave him a tip the dress was ready in two days. I gave the driver to deliver it her & I had to kiss up & suck up all the attitude he was giving me. I rang days later happy to ask if she liked it. All she said was the material is gorgeous but "I DONT LIKE THE SEWING" I would not directly tell someone that! I mean whats up with that? I went all through that and this is what I got! Though she tried making me understand but I was too upset to understand her point even though it made sense & I refused to accept it. So yes sometimes its hard to accept things. Anway as for her I told her off big time. Harsh words she got. Didnt yah? (hehehe)

But I think if people where very confrontational, open and direct things would be far more better. Communication and iterraction will be greatl. If girls were open there wont be too much gossiping. I mean "look Aisha in her eyes and tell her what you dont like about her". Tell a guy who has just asked for your number that "look I appreciate it you liking me but honestly am not interested" instead of whining up a guy, making him think you like him, waisting his time rendering the situation more difficult when you deicide to tell the guy that after he is all inlove. Why not tell him right there and then. Men! you are getting second wives, why wont they approach their first wives & look them in the eyes and tell them. Pop and clear. Let her deal with it! There no point hearing it from someone. It will be a hard blow shot when she finds out elsewhere. You cheated on your guy and want to come clean, dont run round the bush, tell him straightlyyyyyy if you really feel sorry about what you did. Honestly only if people would be straight & open there will be better understanding amongst each other. But somethings gaskiya its difficult for people to understand. No matter how you best put it and how sorry you feel telling them what you really think, others dont understand especially amongst black people.
We just gotta learn how to be speak openly, kindheartedly passing your exact words no lying and being rationale about it
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Offline ummita

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« Reply #11 on: July 03, 2004, 01:06:44 AM »
Quote from: "kitkat"
Some broad minded women not only understand but actually encourage their husbands(dont laugh) to please please please contribute to a worthy cause by bringing in a mate. ( i,ts all the Islamiyya influence .Allah ya saka musu da Alheri)

@ Kitkat, you are so right. Yes there are women who encourage their men to bring get second wives. I mean its perfectly alright. Religion promotes men 2 marry up to 4 wives aslong as they will show equality. I hav no objection watsoeva if it will happen that a man brings in another & another & another wife makin a total of four wives, no problem @ all. As long as there will be equality, self respect & care. However, hardly men of nowadays do that. Its hard to find a house that the wives will tell you that the hubby show d same level of equality. And if am not mistaken I think wat straighttalkin was trying to point out is that men of these days do not actually break the news of dem jumpin the broom but is left for the wife to find out from other sources. And that is so not nice. I mean where is the love, unity, trust dat a man owes to his wife that he cnt break the news to her himself?
@ Straighttalking, really some of them are getting second wives for genuine, humaritarian & due to religious reasons BUT (a big stess to my BUT) Alot of them marry & marry & marry but it will turn out that they cant do equal justice. Apart from that why cant they "men" confront their wives openly, straight forward & tell them they gettin dem new mates or wat r dey scared or they dont wanna hurt another persons feelins but wat ever the case they will still do it?!!
Despite ur slammin, am still jammin!!!

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« Reply #12 on: July 03, 2004, 01:55:07 PM »
Quote from: "ummita"
Quote from: "kitkat"
Some broad minded women not only understand but actually encourage their husbands(dont laugh) to please please please contribute to a worthy cause by bringing in a mate. ( i,ts all the Islamiyya influence .Allah ya saka musu da Alheri)

[color=blueI think wat straighttalkin was trying to point out is that men of these days do not actually break the news of dem jumpin the broom but is left for the wife to find out from other sources. And that is so not nice. I mean where is the love, unity, trust dat a man owes to his wife that he cnt break the news to her himself? Apart from that why cant they "men" confront their wives openly, straight forward & tell them they gettin dem new mates! [/color]


Malama ummita, if you want to see the demonic side of an angelic wife a man marries just wait till he breaks the news of him getting married again. All of you are talking about straight confrontations. Couple of years back a freind of mine maried a second wife she nearly killed my freind with hot water saboda tsaban kishi! Sannan kuna maganar a fito a gaya ma mata. Malama straighttalking for instance, are you sure you will take it well indan ya zamanto mijinki zai yi sabon aure yazo direct ya gayamiki? Allah yasa ba zaki bishi da tabarya ba. Ai tsiyan mata, they sometimes are weak and cant control their emotions. They get so weak at knees. Nidai ba fata nakemuku amman bari lokutanku ya zo kwa gaya ma aya zakinta.

Offline gogannaka

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« Reply #13 on: July 03, 2004, 05:36:25 PM »
I want to make an observation.Ummita, it seems like you have the belief that breakin up with someone you love is easy........im sorry sis but maybe you have never fallen in love(i mean real love).It's a disease u know.It's not easy at all(breaking up).It can be the hardest thing a couple can do.
I think it is a very bad idea for you to tell anyone to break up a love r/ship
.The guy/girl can hate you for the rest of your life.
To be on the safe side,avoid talking too much on one's love r/ship no matter how close you are with a person...cos it's a very sensitive issue.
Surely after suffering comes enjoyment

Offline EMTL

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« Reply #14 on: July 03, 2004, 05:44:42 PM »
Assalamu alaikum,
I think Men should duly inform their wife(ves) whenever they are marrying another woman.

A friend told me his experience. When he went about taking a second wife he discussed three options with the wife (Uwargida), and the wife selected one and backed her selection with a sound and convincing reason.

Each time he is going for 'tadi' his first wife will send  some present to the lady and when eventually Amarya came home they have been living happily. Both the husby and second wife hold the first wife in high regards. Allah (SWT) ya basu zama lafiya kuma Ya albarka auren nasu-amiyn.
In the Affairs of People Fear Allah (SWT). In the Matters Relating to Allah (SWT) Do not be Afraid of Anybody. Ibn Katthab (RA).

 


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